Fellow Nigerians, sincere salutations to you all!
It has given me great delight to pen down these lines from heaven whose streets, I hasten to confirm, are paved with gold. Heaven is indeed, as is written in the Bible, a place of unrivalled wonder where there’s celestial orderliness and peace and quiet. There’s no want, sorrow or gnashing of teeth here as is the case in hell. I’m much happier here — even when there’re no billionaires as everyone is equal and enjoys abundance and life eternal.
Fellow compatriots, I write you all with compassion given the deepening socio-economic and political crisis post-June 12. My spirit was lifted penultimate week as the 15th anniversary of my sacred mandate was celebrated across the land. A day before June 12 ‘Baba’ Lamidi Adedibu’s soul was sighted in hell where Gen. Sani Abacha continues to endure torture and fire for a decade long!
Now that I’ve been vindicated officially, having been declared belatedly the winner of the June 12 electoral phenomenon I put everyone on notice that I intend to invade the Nigerian space soon with the majestic logistical support of celestial indomitable army led by Angel Michael to reclaim my sacred mandate! Meanwhile tell Prof. Humphrey Nwosu to go to hell and tell his June 12 story to the marine. I’m in the know of those who sponsored his book and know the objective intended — to score a cheap political point. How could only the dead men (Gen. Abacha and Clement Akpamgbo) had connived to annul my victory while the living, the chief culprit gets a clean bill of health? So Akpamgbo and Abacha were no longer working under Ibrahim Babangida then as military President?
I decided, despite my riches, to sacrifice my life for the mandate millions of you gave me because I believed in what June 12 stood for and still stands for. I sacrificed my life for the struggle because I knew I was in the right. History continues to bear me witness throwing up in the process, fifteen years on, the heroes and villains of that particular epochal electoral event.
Since I left you people a decade ago very little has changed. What has progressed dramatically is the swelling number of crooks in and around power and the state kleptocracy and official mendacity. Obasanjo used eight years in Aso Villa to create minority millionaires and billionaires leaving a vast majority as destitutes, criminals and indigents. His regime must be probed further!
Someone should tell IBB that the devil has already prepared a place for him in his dark abode. Mr Lucifer and his dark angels are impatiently waiting for him to come over. There in hell there is no room for Maradonic schemings!
Please gentlemen and ladies, fellow great Nigerians, tell President Umaru Yar’Adua that his elder brother Shehu is here with us smoking his choice cigarettes and having fun and enjoying my rib-cracking jokes. Abacha killed him in prison by food poisoning. Tell your President that the Almighty One, a truly jealous God, is not happy with him for the stolen mandate and power he wields. Obasanjo perfidiously rigged the April 2007 presidential poll in his favour for him (Yar’Adua) to protect his 8-year presidential debauchery. Tell Yar’Adua that in the eyes of the Creator he’s seen as a fairly good man but his wife seeks protection from other smaller gods. This is intolerable from this end. Turai Yar’Adua must renounce her nocturnal contracts with marabouts to be able to enjoy the divine favour.
I urge you all, believers in democracy, believers in my sacred mandate, not to lose hope yet. There’s light at the end of the tunnel. Hope for a better life for our people whose welfare is long neglected, hope for a better Nigeria is within grips. Grab it now without fear, without compromise!
Fellow Nigerians, please intensify your prayers; Muslims and Christians alike, pray harder for there’s an entrenched satanic forces still holding the total liberation of the masses down. These evil forces in human form caused and still cause calamities like pipeline explosions, fire outbreaks, building collapses, road mishaps and political assassinations. Therefore pray, my good people, pray for the day of true freedom is nigh! Pray for God is still very much in absolute control. Pray without ceasing in this season of rain with its attendant floodings and destructions. Pray, for good tidings are destined to be your lot soon.
As a notorious womaniser and polygamist I did know before my unplanned departure from the land of the living that my family would have problems with my will and estate. I hereby instruct the London managers of my estate to discontinue the DNA test initiative and take in every child that claims he or she has MKO blood in his or her biological system. The assassination of my favorite wife Kudirat caused it all for if she was still alive while I was gone she would have managed the big happy family well. Kola, my first son, only takes after me in womanising, and socialising but the entrepreneurial sagacity in me remains unique. My business empire is in ruins but I’m proud of ‘Concord’ products like Bayo Onanuga and Mike Awoyinfa.
When I was with you all in flesh and blood I, the ‘Aare Ona Kakanfo’ of Yorubaland, took exceptions to the Yorubas been labelled as a bunch of cowards. But now I’m in a good position to confirm this notion after my June 12 harrowing experience. Yes my Yoruba people are cowards who believe in empty grandstanding and rabble-rousing. We have brave men and women amongst us but a whole majority are on this fear side and could be found wanting in moments of critical character definition.
The Aremu of Ota had declared subtly that I was not the messiah Nigerians were waiting for. Of course I never told anyone that I was ever one! But suffice to add that after eight years of presidential fraud and rigmarole Obasanjo has exposed himself further as the enemy of Nigeria’s progress and a glorified over-rated executive crook.
Need I say more my people? Whereas during my lifetime I was appreciated as the Pillar of Sports in Africa Obasanjo is known today as the Suharto of Africa! At the risk of sounding immodest, something I detest, let me declare nevertheless that the dirt in my fingernail remains infinitely greater than the entirety of Olusegun Obasanjo.
Let me, at this crucial juncture, corroborate what the detained Hamza Al-Mustapha, my tormentor, late Gen. Abacha’s Chief Security Officer, said about the mysterious circumstances surrounding my untimely death in the military gulag: I was cruelly beaten to death! Yes I can confirm that! Instead of releasing me after Gen. Abacha had eaten his last apple Gen. Abdusalami Abubakar, heeding the call of his northern oppresive brothers, ordered that I be beaten to death to even scores. So my people treat Gen. Abubakar from now on as a murderer! Angered that I had survived Abacha’s madness the northern oligarchy re-strategised and reached for a tit-for-tat, that is putting me away permanently lest I reclaimed my stolen mandate and operated the blueprint containing the politico-economic revolution I had planned.
My people, the ubiquitous misery in the blessed land of abundance still pains me. From this beautiful end, the indescribable paradise, I shall continue to intervene spiritually to ensure that soon, you, beloved Nigerians, shall overcome. Because of this widespread misery a lot of bad things alien to our culture are happening in Nigeria right now: child kidnappings, selling of babies, sex slavery, sophisticated prostitution, money-making rituals. All these point to the moral depravity and consequencies of unchecked poverty spreading in our growing urban population. There’s thus need for some moral and spiritual renewal.
I appeal to your collective sense of patriotism, social solidarity and national unity. Love one another irrespective of tribe and tongue. May the peace of the Lord, the celestial dictator of the Kingdom of Heaven and there on earth, be with you all. Bless you all, peace and love.