Breaking News: “Chop Quench Democratic Party formed!”

by Michael Oluwagbemi II

I am pleased to announce the formation of the first true mega party in the forty-nine years history of Nigeria. The Chop and Quench Democratic Party is set to take the country by storm, and we are on the precipice of history. For far too long, we (Nigerians) have been too divided and complacent. The CQDP is designed to overcome these twin malaises.

The CQDP is the fulfillment of our founders dream; an elucidation of our national principles, and above all the ultimate perch in our gargantuan journey to matured democracy. Every generation has its heroes, and this generation will make heroes out of every CQDP member. The communist party of China is 60 years old today, and CQDP is one day old: if that coincidence alone does not convince you, then what can?

First, what is our modus operandi? Well, our intention is to unite all rogues, criminals, charlatans, never do wells and political apparatchiks across the political spectrum under one entity. Increasingly, we the corrupt (sorry well meaning) politicians of this country have been pursuing varied interests. We have fought for elections on the pretense of helping the people, and killed ourselves in the process. In the spirit if uhuru, CQDP is declaring an end to that. Henceforth, “sit-tightism” is abolished. Every criminal does a two year term, chops and quenches, and hands it over to the next! The era of sharing the national cake is over; the age of owning it free and clear for two years is here!

You might ask, what is our platform? Well, if you are not too dumb to realize it our mission is to chop and quench. That is, to chop your money and quench your spirit! By “your” of course I mean the electorates who have decided to remain outside the big umbrella of our union. Our platform is to ensure total state secrecy in budgeting, contract awards and implementation. We pledge to ensure maximum inefficiency at every turn, and hope to depreciate the standard of living of you the readers. Your air will not be safe, your taps will not run and even they do, the water will be dirty. Your roads will be deathtraps, and your hospitals shall become glorified mortuaries. Your electrical supply shall be epileptic, and your energy supply will run thin like the patience of Sani Abacha.

While you are at it, our party is pleased to announce that part of our founding membership are all Pastors, Imams, Oluwos, Babalawos, Chief Priests and Occult Group leaders in Nigeria, and to the north of her in Niamey and Port Novo to the west. We even managed to buy the support of the ecclesiastical, which will confirm that we are truly leaving nothing to whims. Our motto is simple: lawless, useless and reckless. We will be lawless in our conduct, useless in our thinking and reckless in our spending. We pledge full allegiance to these core principles regardless of whose ox is gored!

Okay you are still too dumb to realize what is going on? No wonder you are not a CQDP member. Our members are the smartest and brightest con men that any nation can put together. Filled to brim with veteran examination cheats, and certificate mill patrons we are men that respect brawn over brains, and madness over meditation. For your information, we subscribe to the notion that liberals are sinners and conservatives are hypocrites hence we have every use for both ideology! In our party, there room for every Tamuno, Diepreye and Harriman. In our camp we have primed human killing machines i.e. political thugs, and accredited financial weapons of mass destruction i.e. Ghana must go custodians.

If that still does not impress you, consider this: we have a track record. Our record of accomplishment is seven squared years of regression, and human development destruction. We have infested a continent with a cancer for lazy thinking, and abhorrent greed. We feast in excesses and celebrate the Lilliputians amongst us. Nothing fazes us anymore, in fact we routinely defend lawbreakers at home and abroad. Our party leaders are so blind justice, only ex-cons qualify for national party offices and important positions of reckoning.

In the interest of national stability we are declaring a “national chop free day”. On this day, every man or woman in our nation is allowed to “chop”. If you find anything, eat it! Cable, go ahead and eat it! If it is mat, eat it! If you see oil, please eat. Money, eat it. Even live goat, enjoy yourself. You’d be lucky to find anything after another forty nine years of our rule. However, we are fully dedicated to the philosophy of eating and drinking. Common, our potbellies is a testimony to the grandiosity of our appetite. Can’t you see our women? Their rotunda shaped body, and bell like shape creates chaos on the floor of the capital market such that the national GDP deflates in their presence!

Central to every political strategy is an identity; our party symbol and colors. Our party symbol is a locust. We are dedicated to plundering, and nothing better symbolizes this movement than this garrulous arthropod makes no bones about its intention, and neither do we. Our mission is to do the impossible, to intentionally bankrupt the nation and render her citizens impoverished. Half a trillion, and still counting, we are only getting better at it. Our party color is black, because only our dark minds can fathom these great accomplishments.

In as much as your likes just read and turn the pages, the fate of our party is forever sealed. An arrogant association of never-do-wells that will continue to bestride your horizon like a colossus, while you forever regret the citizenship that birth has credited you.

Nigeria we Hail Thee!

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