It is election time in Nigeria and some green horns are coming into the dirty arena of politics. Some of these people might have what it takes to govern Nigeria but then some of them might lack the “timber and caliber” capability to govern even their local government by Nigerian standard.
Most people do not care about your pedigree in other area of life; there are certain things that are required in order for you to garner some support politically. Nigerians in America who might have the ambition of seeking political office in Nigeria need to contact this writer in order to earn some political points; if you are in UK I still can help you so that you can be seen as the right candidate for a post.
CONDITIONS PRECEDENT TO POLITICAL OFFICE
- You must be well fed, if some people like let them call you fat, that is no big deal. Those who said being fat is health risk do not live in Nigeria. In Nigeria the general saying is that you give your money to the guy with the protruding stomach and not the one with the flat stomach. The one with the protruding stomach is already well fed and so is unlikely to use your money for reasons other than the one agreed on. So to fatten yourself up, write and seek advice today.
- Nigerians love title, if you are just Mr. whatever your name is then I wish you luck. When this president was elected there was confusion in the media houses as to what to call him and that is because he has a lot of title in his bags. These are men of “timber and caliber” you are either Retired General like Buhari, Babangida and the main man for right now Gen. Olusegun Obasanjo RTD. Yes you can have the retired coming behind your name, the General can come first. You could also be a Chief, so that the prefix would be Chief Gen. RTD. If you were never in the military that is no problem, who cares, you could be Chief Dr. Professor or a combination of both. Chief Professor whatever your name is. If you did not go to school, that is not to worry, just look for a small amount of money and come to America and we will fix that in a jiffy. What do you want? Professorship or Doctorial prefixes or both damn it! We could give you both, what’s wrong with people these days we got to have some little imagination, too slow this generation. Some are confused if Pat Utomi is a Doctor or a professor, they call him both although separately but that’s their business we will give you the right to use both together: Prof. Dr. or Dr. Prof. however you want to use it, it’s your choice. We will get you some Chieftaincy title, gbomo gbomo of Lagos or Ojulari of Ijebu land or Eze of somewhere in Awka Etiti or something. It doesn’t matter and if all the established chieftaincy authorities or whatever they are called won’t give you one then we create a small village somewhere and still get you your chieftaincy title.
If we can’t find a place to start a community then we will buy you drums, yes drums so that you will become a musician, that is a sure way to have chieftaincy and doctorial and professorial degrees without anyone raising an eyebrow. This will also shut the mouth of media houses like THE NEWS, TELL and whatever poke nosing media houses that might be overzealous to check out your credentials. It will also shut the mouth of those who bring down people with good intentions on the internet such as Omoyele Sowore and Elendu Jonathan or is it Jonathan Elendu?
If you agree to sing, it doesn’t matter what genre you can have all the chieftaincy title you want. You could be Chief Gen. Prof (Dr.) and you don’t even have to be retired.
- How many wives do you have, one? Hahahahahahahahahahaha. You are not serious I see about getting into elective office, one wife? That doesn’t show experience in conflict resolution, God! You can’t be serious about winning an election! Okay, you don’t really have to worry; we can still help you out. Forget all that story about men being more than women, that is their own census, not ours. We can get you wives and girlfriends too, girlfriends preferably Americans so that when you steal money there would be someone in God’s own country that you can give the money to. You should not worry yourself about whether or not the lady is pretty or anything, that is not your business, just make do with whatever girls we get you.
- What is your experience in terms of the abracadabra profession? You are not Professor Peller? Who cares whether or not you’re Professor Peller, what is your experience! None you said? Ah, you need to come up with more money than we usually charge. You don’t know how to make money disappear and you don’t know how to fight corruption and be corrupt at the same time? You have never stolen from the public before? You are sure a green horn men; we don’t deal with hopeless cases like yours. Hum. We might still be able to help you. Let’s see. We will lock you up in the ministry of finance one day after closing, make sure you’re arrested the following day and claim that you were there on the orders of the President. He will deny it of course but the papers would have you on the front pages the following day. That should be enough.
You can go ahead and file your nomination papers now with ICON or is it ICAN? OH INECK, there’s no K, whatever; you know what I’m talking about.
In closing, our Organization is tired of seeing Reuben Abati as just that, Reuben Abati, for a man that has been around for quite a while, he deserves better title so we have given him an honorary title, more than one actually, he’s to be known now as CHIEF ELDER STATESMAN REUBEN ABATI. JFK, FKN, MOP, RON MYZ RUP.
As for me, if anyone calls me just Michael or Femi or whatever it is that you like to call me, beware for I will not hesitate to charge you for perjury, I don’t care if you didn’t say it under oath, ok my personal assistant said there’s deformation of character, it’s defamation? Whatever! I’d use that one should you call me just Michael, what’s wrong with you?
I remain yours sincerely Chief (Dr.) Prof, Alh. Michael Ewetuga. FBI, SSS, UPN, NPN, EFCC RIP. What? The RIP, you think is Rest In Peace, well whatever, it’s rip isn’t it? Do the math.