I used to think that American pastors were fakest of the fakes until I happened on Nigerians with the explosion of their ‘prosperity’ churches which are driven by hunger, hopelessness, superstition, 419, and sheer idiocy. But we would have to hold our collective applause and invite their Ghanaian counterparts to step up to the stage and take a bow.
I was minding my business on a pleasantly sunny London Saturday afternoon, drinking Pimm’s and catching up on my emails, when I came across a news report of a Ghanaian male pastor who took it upon himself to give a married church member a bath. To be specific, it was a ‘spiritual’ bath complete with anointing oil.
Now, I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you that the church member was a woman. And I know you certainly don’t need me to confirm for you that the woman was very busty and was similarly very well proportioned in all the right places. Praise the lord.
I read that story twice and chuckled. I couldn’t swear before a jury of my peers whether that story was accurate or not, but the story made me recall a similar bathing account by another Ghanaian pastor in the USA that I knew was true. A couple had separated after a few years of holy matrimony. Their pastor, in his effort to effect reconciliation suggested a spiritual bath of total nudity for the estranged husband solely performed by him the pastor. The man politely declined. He decided all that wasn’t worth getting back with his estranged wife. Consequently, he married another woman and closed his church membership account.
In London, there was Pastor Kwaku Antwi-Kusi Jnr. Not too long ago, he had a music CD released titled ‘Bless The Lord.’ It was fine music. Well, it turned out Kwaku was also blessing some church members. This past December, Kwaku was nabbed for impregnating not one, but three of his female church members all at the same time. Praise the lord. Thing is, Kwaku is already a father of two with yet another church member. To his credit, Kwaku did not deny having sex with nearly all female members of his church. I am sad to report that his church has been closed down and that Kwaku has voted with his feet. He did a runner and left all the pregnant women behind to fend for themselves.
A Gospel musician, Christiana, recently accused her husband of nine years, the aptly named Pastor Love of the Life Power Miracle Church, of raping her younger sister in their home. The pastor was also accused of repeatedly sleeping with the housemaid. Pastor Love’s response? He said that two years into his marriage, he was ready for another wife but his parents and a lady Bishop from another church won’t let him.
Another pastor, Nana Kofi Yirenkyi – known to his followers as ‘Jesus One Touch,’ was handed a 10 year jail sentence for persistently touching and raping his own daughter. His routine was to have sex with his young daughter just before the start of church services. This was usually three times a week. The same handkerchief he used to wipe himself after the act, he would pull out during his sermons and use to mop his sweaty brow.
Yet another pastor, Rev Paul Nkansah was arrested for allegedly raping 5 sisters. I guess he is determined to go through that whole family like a recessive gene. The good Rev did not deny the charges. He explained that he did it all on the orders of some celestial power.
And in the town of Abesim, one lonely evening, an Evangelist, Gordon Yeboah of the Holy Spirit Ministry Fellowship, was caught having sex with a sheep that had been tied to a tree. The loud, painful bleating of the sheep alerted residents who thought someone was trying to steal the sheep. But as they approached, they noticed that Yeboah’s trousers were down by his ankles, his eyes were closed, and he had raised the animal’s two hind legs to his waist level for easy access. Two men tapped him on the shoulder and it was only then that the Evangelist descended from his rapture. The men promptly alerted the Police and Yeboah was arrested. To make matters worse for him, Yeboah was handcuffed to the poor sheep as he was paraded before local pressmen. When asked why he did what he had done, the Evangelist said that on seeing the sheep, he experienced an unusual feeling within him.
Last summer, Apostle Richard Kwesi Dwumfuor, Head Pastor of the Conquerors Redemption International Church and one of his Reverends, Isaac Agyeman were arraigned in court for printing counterfeit money. And yes, the money was hidden within the church premises.
Now, please, don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that some Nigerian pastors don’t have their own macabre side; they do: Before he got caught out, Pastor TB Joshua was smiling to the bank with his crazy claim of a cure for HIV/AIDS. The pugilist, Oyedepo, who loves nothing better than to slap little confused girls, should give the 2012 Olympic boxing programme another consideration. Pastor Kris Okotie and his high fashion assemblage are only missing a catwalk in his church.
And heavens only know what the less famous ones get up to in their spare time. I recall seeing on AIT about 5 years or so back a Pastor in Lagos who had buried a ram’s horn and other charms under his pulpit. When he was busted and dragged outside for a beat-down by irate members and uninvited passersby, he claimed with utter equanimity that the people and spirits he goes into battle with everyday comes to that battle armed with charms so he meets them headlong with his own set of charms garnished with name of Jesus. Praise the lord.
But even with all their theatrics and shenanigans, Nigerian pastors try to be sophisticated about their thing. It would appear our Ghanaian brothers are less so. I mean, would a Nigerian pastor be careless enough to be caught giving a married woman a bath – spiritual or otherwise? I doubt it o…