Love And Be Loved

by Vera Ezimora

Love is the most complex emotion I have ever experienced.It has so many sides and shades that sometimes I wonder if it is still love.How can you love a person one minute and want to kill them the next?How can you love a person and yet hurt the person so much?You know it will kill him when he finds out, but you do it anyway.You know he is hurting inside, but it does not stop you from lying in the other man’s bed.Love.Is it really that complex, or do we just make it that way?

I am particularly concerned about women who do not know how to love themselves.If a woman does not know how to love herself inside and out, then how can she love another?If a woman cannot treat herself like the queen that she is, then how can she make a man treat her like one?How can you convince people that the building is on fire if you are calmly lying under your blanket?The world we live in is a monkey-see-monkey-do world; it is a world where leaders lead by showing examples.No one can love you better than you can love yourself, so if your love for yourself is fifty percent, then how can you expect a man to love you one hundred percent?

I get very sad (more like enraged) when I see a woman in a relationship where she is giving her all to a man and getting almost nothing back in return.I mean, seriously, let us get real here; ask yourself these questions: why can’t he call?Why can’t he say I’m sorry?Why can’t he explain his actions?Why can’t he do it for me?Why can’t he accept my apology?Why can’t he understand where I am coming from?Why can’t he do it my way for once?Why can’t he be sweet to me?Why can’t he stop being malicious to me?Why can’t he remember my birthday?Why can’t he get me a birthday gift?Why can’t he spoil me?Why can’t he treat me the way I treat him?Why can’t he stop hurting me?Why can’t he love me back?Why???My guess is that you cannot answer any of these questions rationally.Now ask yourself again – why can’t I stop loving him?Ladies, love with your heart and think with your head.

We, women have the tendency to do imprudent things.We know our man is treating us like last month’s Chinese food, but instead of facing our problems head-on, we make excuses for our man’s absurd behavior(s).As women, we want to be cared for; we want to be treated like queens, we want to be held, and we most definitely want to be loved.If a man is causing you to cry on occasions that any sane person would not be crying, then you should know something is wrong.If you have to call your man’s phone on his birthday and cry your eyes out on his voicemail because he is too angry at you to pick up, then something is wrong.If you have to beg your man to pick up your calls and talk to you, then something is wrong.If you cry more than you laugh, then something is wrong, and if you are ready to be with your man regardless of what he may do to you, then something is definitely wrong with you.I do not know what is wrong with you; is it low self esteem or just unadulterated lack of common sense?

Believe me, love is not that complicated.Relationships are not easy, but they are really not that hard either.When two people have understanding, patience, trust, and a big dose of maturity, love can not only be born, but can also be nurtured (by both partners, and for both partners) to reach its fullest potential.Forget about love at first sight; it does not exist.Your mind is only playing tricks on you.Yes, you may have dreamt about him last night, and the love you made felt so real (in fact, you are still dripping), but that was only because you thought about him before you went to bed.Wake up and smell the coffee (or tea – which ever one you prefer).

Seriously, why are you still in this relationship?Is it the sex (if sex is involved)?Is it the companionship?Is it the feeling of knowing that someone somewhere has you as number two on their speed dial (that’s if he cares enough to put you on his speed dial)?Is it the fear of being lonely?Is it the convenience?Money?Or do you just think you will never find someone else to want you enough to commit to you?What is it?Better yet, why is he still in this relationship?Could it be because of the convenience and all the ‘privileges’ that come with said convenience?I mean, if you break up with him, who will cook for him?Who will do his laundry?Who will warm up his bed?Who will run his little errands?Who will buy him gifts on his birthday?Who will cry on his voicemail?Who will beg for his attention?Who?

If you think this through with your head, and your head tells you that you are in a good relationship, then your head must not be properly hydrated.Some of you are living in denial (yes, I’m talking to you; stop pointing at your chest in confusion and looking around); you tell yourself that the only reason why you are putting up with his bullshit is because you are not married yet, but as soon as you get married, things will change.Yeah, right!As a poor man (unmarried), you should not take anything right now that you will not take when you become rich (married).Your desire for meat should not lead you to call a cow your brother.Be honest with yourself; put yourself first, and love yourself because ‘you are fearfully and wonderfully made’ (Psalm 139:14).

What – are you surprised I quoted the Bible?Don’t be ooooo.I happen to be God’s favorite; you better ask about me!

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10 comments October 31, 2006 - 6:29 am

I am really overwhelmed as a writer,by the creative weave of words and strong emotions by Vera.keep the flag flying.

I really want to meet you.I contribute write-ups too,and i need all the lectures there is to get.Keep it real girl.Hope to catch up with you soon.

Reply September 26, 2006 - 7:12 pm

Obi, your comments make you sound like you live under a rock. Which is it – are you blaming women for being better individuals than men, loving with all our hearts and putting others before them. Do you think women think it is more important to run the world like you men have … creating more problems than solving it? You need a reality check. Women are smarter than men. We know we don't have the physical strenght or the natural brutal and aggressive nature of men to win wars or build cities … but what we have is a natural cunning nature which we use to make men do our bidding. You know the common saying – the man is the head, and the woman is the neck…but the neck can turn the head whichever way it wants. Shikena!

jane September 24, 2006 - 6:56 pm

Vera oo where u go since na??????? abeg oo no dey take these kain long absence oo. nice one agree with you absolutely .I have also come to see that a lot of times age is a factor in reducing our self esteem bcecause we think that at certain ages when we are not married we cant get better than what we have now which is not true but we believe it anyway and knowing our brethren they capitalize on it and really walk all over u . I still say sha that being happy with your single self helps you make an informed married choice. Good work sister

Emeka September 24, 2006 - 1:39 pm

…another prompt to all(both gender) to start LIVING!!!

People need to tell themselves the truth in absolute terms. I always have a thrill while observing "first-meets", budding relationships, running relatonships, rocky ones with probabilities of a make-up jolt and likewise rocky ones with the inevitable crash landing.

In all these, I have come to realize that like Vera says, loving urself completely is a "must-do" but added to that, telling yourself and "whovever" the truth (no frills) is an assured "happy-hat".

not in any order but for starters…

1) you like his/her company? …then ENJOY his/her company

2) FORGET this age-clock-ticking bs, you DO NOT NEED to be married to be happy.. likewise you DO NOT NEED to be in a relationship at any point in time!

3) QUIT bouncing the word love around, especially since you cant give an educated definition! If he/she makes you feel strange… say exactly that! if the "strange thingy" is good kinda feelin' , then say JUST that!. If you really really really like him/her and you are liking it,… tell him/her JUST that!

4) QUIT "hanging around"… …say it as it is and make a move… u need help? think about the decisions that you make at work(saddled with risks) to ensure you keep the shareholders happy.. ..don't YOU deserve to be happy?.. ..walk away from less than 100percent!

5) regarding 4above….If you're in a state where you think he/she is the sole key to your happiness…please "RELOCATE"

6) if you are a believer in "working" at a relationship and you've got some of your days/weeks/months/years to gamble with then by all means… WORK IT..

I'm guessing by now you are catching the flow… …don't cramp yourself! not for anybody.

Nia September 22, 2006 - 7:15 am

Nice write up. Very timely too. I'm printing it out for my girlfriend who needs a serious injection of truth. I was telling God this morning that if I wasn't His follower I definitely would have taken my girlfriend's ex (or current, I can't quite understand) out. You know, rid the world of him.

…the only other thing is I disagree with the poor (unmarried) and rich (married) analogy. Unmarried or married I'm (scratch that, we are) soooo complete and I trust you know what I'm talking about, Vera.

Godwin Kwushue September 22, 2006 - 12:05 am

The reasons why some men and women tend to remain in a relationship that is apparent to even a casual observer that the love they are giving to their partner is not being reciprocated looks like a phenomenon that is beyond human understanding.

Try as you may to unravel the reasons behind the attitude of the seeming helpless brothers and sisters you may never find out anything except the person at the receiving end comes up with the reasons why he or she is putting up with such an unacceptable treatment.

Reasons why men and women put up with unacceptable treatments or attitude in a relationship are various, some of such reasons are good sex, money, fear of loosing old circle of shared friends, decision to stay and be on the look out for another suitable spouse without creating a vacuum and some are just parasites that seems not to have a sense of what is enough. Above all, for every man and woman there is always that person one may fall in love with and one may end up subjugating oneself to overwhelming control of such partner, it is like an addiction. When such people offend us and mistreated us we tend to make excuses for such a person short coming instead of holding them accountable for their actions. Kings, queens, presidents, nobles and commoners have been victims.

To my mind I think this attitude is borne out of our inordinate quest to regain what we have already lost, the situation of the victims is like a deaf and dumb person who does not know that the market is over but certainly the situation will be clearer when the crowd starts thinning.

Godwin Kwushue

San Diego

obi September 21, 2006 - 1:16 am

@ INK, Who taught women to follow men like sheep? They grow up trying hard to please men which could be as a result of their hormonal makeup or the actualisation of God's curse on Adam and Eve. Gone are the days when women lay all their burdens and travails on men because it's a man's world. If women are so smart and higher in number, where were they when men were taking over the world?. The fact that every society in the world irrespective of their race and religion recognises men as the head is not a mere coincedence, it shows that God actually gave us our respective roles in life. Women may claim that they give all in a relationship, butt they should understand that men give in their two cents too and swallow their annoying loud mouth; but what can men do? the cushioning effect of a woman, the way she puts a man together is not only amazing but cormforting. Please, women are as important to us as we are to ourselves, one bad relationship has nothing to do with the next one. We are all humans and none of us is flawless.

INK September 20, 2006 - 2:00 pm

IT'S CULTURE: women are taught to follow the male lead blindly, unfinchingly and unquestionly and woe to one who strays from this cultural indoctrination.

Ada September 20, 2006 - 9:22 am

Vera Ezimora is a talented writer. I love her articles. She has a way of playing with words and creating an impact on the mind of the reader. Does she have novels in her stable. I would really love to go through them.

Reply September 19, 2006 - 4:51 pm

Hey Vera Girl,

We missed your write-ups. True talk my sister. We women give a lot because it is in our nature to do so. Here is the really sad thing. When we spend all these years giving to our significant others and get nothing in return, we get bitter. Then we start to mistreat every man we get involved in just so we don't get hurt again. When one person does damage to your psyche, you in turn infect other people with this damage. Sad.


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