“Pauloh, you are a
genius”
“Why did you say that?”
“Sometimes you make
statements that are inappropriate and sound absurdly ludicrous, but
at the end, they are often true”
“Well that is what we
call foresight, something most people don’t have. By the way, why
are we having this conversation?”
“Remember the last time
we discussed Nigeria’s first lady”
“Patience? Yeah”
“You said she talks and
acts like a market woman”
“Well, I based my
conclusion on inferred assumptions made from empirical premises and
philosophical inquisitions that only Sigmund Freud can decipher”
“You’ve started
again.”
“I’m sorry. I’m
always distracted at the sound of intellectual discourse. Anyway,
what’s up with Patience?”
“Guess what happened
last Friday”
“What?”
“She went to the market
and had a nice time buying, chatting and chanting with the market
women”
“You see. It’s clear
that she feels more safe amidst the cacophony that characterize
buying and selling in the typical Nigerian market”
“Apart from that, do
you know what surprised me most?”
“No”
“She was very happy –
happier than she has ever been as the first lady”
“I don’t think it’s
just happiness, she’s glad to be home”
“Paul, don’t confuse
me. How can Nigeria’s first lady see the marketplace as home?”
“Well, home is where
you are relaxed and free to free yourself”
“I still don’t get
it”
“Okay, let me make it
clearer. Every human being is like a drug addict; no matter how hard
he tries, he can’t ignore the aroma of nicotine which his body has
recognized as an epitope that triggers off series of reactions with
great avidity. For months, Patience has been enclosed in Aso Rock
without contacting those she’s freer with. But when she got the
opportunity, she couldn’t resist”
“Are you saying that
she is better around market women than the intelligentsia?”
“I guess so. If you
heard her speech at the market, and compare it with the one she gave
when the executive board of the Nigerian Paediatrics Association
visited her at the villa, you won’t need to bother”
“I find it difficult
disagreeing with you. Basically, you are saying that the first lady
is a great fan of the grassroots”
“Yes. And that is a
good thing.”
“Please explain”
“Apart from bad
leaders, Nigeria has been blessed with unique first ladies. The late
Stella was the delight of the corporate world. Her command of the
English language surpassed that of her husband; she was a beauty that
loved beauty; she even represented the president on several
occasions! She was the only Nigerian first lady that could challenge
Michelle Obama”
“Hmmm it’s like you
had a crush on her”
“I guess so. But the
first lady that crushed my heart is Turai”
“Paul, please let her
grieve in peace”
“Grief my foot. With
the ten billion Naira National Cancer Centre fund tightly secured
somewhere around her expensive Arabian hijab, I guess she is going to
be very comfortable. And have you read the Wikileaked secret that
linked her and her late hubby to some shady deals?”
“Pal, please focus on
the issue at hand”
“Okay. Like I’m
saying, I loved her at the outset until she went to Vienna to address
an international conference on cancer. It was the first time in my
linguistic life that I heard someone make grammatical errors while
reading a prepared and probably rehearsed speech”
“Paul!”
“Please. Before she was
done with the salutations, hot bullets were flying around the cold
hall at a speed that surpassed the velocities of light and sound. It
was an embarrassing show that was shown on national TV. I couldn’t
take it any longer when I saw a woman from Trinidad laughing
hysterically at my country’s first lady. I was forced to change the
channel”
“Paul, is bad English
the only thing you can say about Turai? That is not fair. Isn’t
there anything good about her?”
“Well, I respect her
stance on her hubby’s sickness, and I don’t think any man can
hold the entire country to ransom like she did: commanding army
battalions, shutting down the airport, switching off the light at the
terminal, “importing” and “exporting” Mr President in the
middle of the night, leaving the vice president in the dark on the
state of the nation… I can go on. She’s a tough woman”
”What about Justice
Abubakar?
“Like my Glo
line, she’s unavailable.”
“Paul!!!”
“Back to Patience. I
believe she can be Nigeria’s best first lady ever if she can make
her market visits more frequent despite her “tight” schedule?”
“How do you mean?”
“Well, we all know that
there is no official constitutional assignment for her, and like past
first ladies, she is “busy” with her pet project. Since it’s
something she evidently enjoys, I think she should embark on a tour,
visiting every major market in Nigeria. That way, she will reach lots
of market women that monthly federal allocations will never reach.”
“But what will she gain
in return? You know this is Nigeria”
“For start, she needs
the exercise, and Jonathan can do with an athletic Patience.”
“You are still not
talking like a Nigerian”
“If you are thinking of
money, I guess you know she will be getting travel allowance for the
trips, will be given gifts by the host cities, and her fame will
spread across the abattoirs as the first lady that frequents the
market”
“But will she be safe?
Especially in Aba market and other notorious kidnappers’ dens”
“I’m sure she will be
safe.”
“Why are you so
confident?”
“Didn’t you read
about IBB?”
“IBB the Maradona?”
“No”
“What then does IBB
stand for in Nigeria apart from the genius himself?”
“I’m referring to
Independence Bomb Blast – IBB!”
“Okay! What about it,
and how does it exclude Patience from the kidnappers’ list?”
“The swift response of
the various security arms of government surprised me, and surpassed
my informed understanding of the activities of the police SSS, and
the likes. As if we were watching Hollywood action movies, they gave
us interesting information on how the bombings were masterminded and
carried out to the extent that I began to ask myself if Nigeria is
really as bad as we present it to be. This shows that whenever
government is interested in an investigation, they know where to get
the files”
“Whoa! I never reasoned
in that line. So if I’m following your thoughts, no kidnapper who
read how the masterminds of IBB were apprehended would think of
kidnapping the first lady. Hence Patience has no reason to worry
because she’s safe”
“Now you are thinking.
But some politicians are no longer safe”
“Who are they?”
“They are your
legislators who received an early Christmas package last week from
the bow tie-loving CBN governor. You know what? I was surprised that
the boring house could become lively less than 24 hours that Sanusi
made the statement. The person that amazed me wasn’t Sanusi, but
the bespectacled Senator from Osun state. What is his name again?”
“Are you referring to
Senator Iyiola Omisore?”
“Yes. Prior to the
allegations and counter-accusations, the only thing we know about him
is the record he set as the first man in Nigeria to win a senatorial
seat while in jail. But he has added the feather of the most
perturbed senator to his Awo-like cap”.
Paul, what do you think
could be responsible for that?”
“I think it’s related
to the recent Appeal Court judgment that gave the AC victory in Osun
state. You know he’s gunning for the post and has invested
enormously in campaigns and other “logistics” to ensure that he
emerge as the next governor of Osun state. Hence he would vehemently
reject any attempt to cut his well invested salary.”
“Basically, you are
saying that like his colleagues, Senator Omisore is only seeking for
himself”
“Yes. But as bad as
this might make them feel, they should take consolation in the fact
that it’s a Nigerian phenomenon. Like I always say, the major
problem we have in Nigeria is that of selfish leadership and
unperturbed followers that will also be selfish when given the
opportunity to lead.”
“It’s like you have
another issue on your mind. Spit it.”
“You must be good at
horoscopy. Okay. Look at the presidency’s decision to build six new
federal universities in addition to the numerous dilapidating ones.
Imagine the tremendous improvements and transformations he could make
to the already established ones with the funds we want to use to
build not one, but six federal universities.”
“I agree with you. But
it doesn’t make him selfish and self-seeking like the National
Assembly”
“Yes it does.
Personally, I think the president only want a university for his
hometown, just like Alao Akala wants a state university for Ogbomoso,
and my local government chairman situates and personally supervises
projects around his place of abode, while my councillor will only
recommend his relatives for government loans”
“But Mr President gave
a good reason for the new universities”
“My friend, stop
thinking like a suckling child. Do you think he would have had it
easy if he proposed just a university for his hometown? No way! His
think tanks came up with five additional universities to support the
one to be built in Bayelsa without considering probable
sustainability challenges for present and future governments”
“Paul, I now agree with
you totally that we are being led by people who only seek for
themselves and their villages at the expense of the entire 150
million Nigerians. It’s this self-centeredness that will make them
dispatch every national resource to ensure that their loved ones are
safe, their bank accounts continue to be in ten or more digits and
they get whatever they want without considering future generations or
the impacts that their actions might have on standards and the
quality of life in the nation”
“I think you are
becoming smarter than ever; a worthy protégé of my unique school of
thought. Anyway, I’m off to market. I need garri and vegetable.”
“Paul, you are not
serious”
“Yes I am. If patient
Patience can do it, I don’t have to be a patient before I learn how
to cook and eat good meal. Like our leaders, my wellbeing must come
first.”
“Okay. But before you
go, how much does a cup of rice cost?”
“Hmmm, I don’t know”
“You are also like our
leaders; you don’t know the cost of your actions, inactions and
wrong actions”
“Nice one”
