Ted Haggard’s Haggard Tendencies

by Uzoma Nduka

Is there a reverend father in the house? I desperately need one for ablution. I want to ask for forgiveness of and washing away my sin before I enter this realm. A realm higher than I. And that is spiritual. And that means I will still need another anointed of God- this time an evangelical. Or is it going to be a born again? Anyhow, I need an intercessor, someone spiritually surrounded like Sony boom box.

Father please forgive me for I do not know what genre I’m entering into. First I have to cast a stone on myself before slapping the face of another-a case of scale and log. I have sinned. And I have come short of not only God’s glory but man’s. So I’m not worthy to be called anyone’s son-even a prodigal. A prodigal is better than me. My sins are like sand in the sea and I swim in them like fishes of the ocean. Even when I’m washed with hyssop and shine as white as snow, I still turn piggish. So to my mind no doctor- even the native doctor from Ogoni and Arondizuogu and Oshogbo combined can beat off this dirt with their ancestral brooms.

But to be honest with my readers, I have battled with this write-up since November 5th, 2006. And we are in March, 2007. It’s been really like doing the undoable-more than Herculean. Even if I had borrowed Abraham Tonika’s (Abraham Tonika was a pugilist) gloves I wouldn’t have reduced this Goliath to size. But no matter what, the story must be told and it must be told by somebody. And that somebody happens to be me.

It’s all about a pastor.

What about a pastor?

A pastor and methamphetamine.

A pastor and methamphetamine?

Not only that. It’s also about the same pastor and gays.

Are you mum? Don’t get tangled in that ugly web yet. Let me walk you through so that you can digest this story. I don’t want to rumble your stomach with proffering an antacid to release the stir. So let’s get down to base one (a la Fela Anikulapo Kuti).

Ted Haggard was the founder of New Life Bible Church. New Life Bible Church is based in Colorado Springs. Colorado Springs is on the south side of Colorado. Pastor Haggard, until November 5th, 2006, was the Head Pastor of this church. Aside, he’s on constant call with the White House evangelical team that rubs mind with George W. Bush on matters spiritual. He was also the president of National Association of Evangelicals, an umbrella group representing about 45,000 churches with more than 30 million members. According to Time.com, Haggard was on the list of twenty-five most influential evangelicals. Haggard is married with five children.

New Life Bible Church is a very big church sitting on Colorado Spring. Its membership is large and committed. The church sits approximately 14,000 born-again’. And Pastor Ted has been the shepherd of this flock for twenty-one (21) years.

When this news flew off the lid, Pastor Ted Haggard denied taking the drug but admitted buying it.

Yes, he went to wherever he went, knocked on the door or rang the door bell or the door opened automatically, he met someone in there, exchanged pleasantries, asked the guy for the stuff and the guy brought it and handed the stuff over to Pastor Ted, Pastor Ted paid for the stuff with either his visa credit card or MasterCard debit card or wrote a check or paid cash and walked away with the drug and threw the drug into a thrash can or dump stand or let the snow swallow the drug.

What an interesting sequence!

This is just the first term of Pastor Ted Haggard administration in the government of methamphetamine.

Let us look at the second part of this act.

It’s my pleasure to introduce a guy called Mike Jones. Mike Jones! Mike Jones!! Mike Jones!!!

Mike Jones is a Denver prostitute. He sold this meth. to Pastor Haggard. As the story goes, Mike Jones and Pastor Ted has been partners for about three years i.e. they have been mere hi, hi pals? All things are possible to those who put their trust in the Lord. So I conjecture that the chances are there that one could be one’s partner for let’s take this three years of Pastor Ted’s internship with Mike Jones, and nothing (absolutely nothing) happens. Again nothing is too difficult for God to do.

I want to hazard a quick guess here. Evangelism could occur anywhere and anyplace. It was the scripture that says: go ye into the world and preach the word of God. Even in Sodom, the word was preached. In Gomorrah too, the word was preached. So there is nowhere evangelism cannot take place. And Pastor Ted may have been test-running this ultimate command in the brothel with Mike Jones because for you to get information from Rome you must act like a Roman. This is SPY101.

The unholy spirit that gagged Pastor Haggard led him to eat the forbidden apple he saw in the Garden of Eden. According to Mike Jones, who happens to be the founder of this Garden, “he and Haggard had sexual affairs lasting for three years, with the most recent tryst in August” (CNN November 3, 2006 by Josh Levs).

CNN went on to report the following: Jones said he was a gay escort, and Haggard contacted him for sex, using a fake name. Haggard denied these accusations. When Jones came forward this week (i.e. in November 2006) Haggard denied knowing him—until Jones released recordings of voicemails Haggard left for him”.

You can see the good and bad side of technology-technology blowback.

Sex is natural. It is a good thing too. But I think it is reserved for opposite sex. Monosexuality or homosexuality is bestial. It is unattractive to the eyes and a sore to the ears. Ears tingled when Ted Haggard followers heard this news (in accordance to the scriptures). God’s word does not come back void.

If Bill Clinton, the amiable American President acclaimed to be an African President, was impeached for having sex with Monica Lewinsky (a woman) what will happen to Pastor Ted Haggard? This could be a battle of a President and a Pastor. But pause awhile and suggest an answer. Assuming Pastor Haggard was your pastor (daddy as pastors are being called in Nigeria now), what will be your reaction? Are you going to release your anger on him or are you going to say “ok, well, we are all human, and to ere is human and bla-bla-bla?

In the U.S. today, if you are a high profile celebrity and you commit an offence or the law catches up with you, the only way out is to give a press conference and tell the gullible viewers (Americans) that you are going into rehab (Britney Spears, Mel Gibson, one member of the U.S. House of Representative called Mark Foley for molesting a page, Bob Ney, another House member involved in the Jack Abrahamof scandal, an actor in the movie called “Grey’s Anatomy” etc). And to rehab Pastor Ted Haggard went. He was there for three weeks and came out straight. He was no longer gay! And he is going to take a course in psychology in one of the universities in the U.S. (not in Colorado, anyway).

Nigerians should watch out. We should not allow the Human Rights group to quash this ban on gay marriage in Nigeria-knowing full well that they are all over our country. This law should pass. The members of Senate and House of Representatives should and must pass this law. It is imperative because doing otherwise will drop-down our already sinking image and reputation. All these negative influences from abroad should and must be shunned. It may be another Sodom and Gomorrah that is coming! No one wants to continue with the Old Testament curses. We are healed by the blood.

Somebody say Amen to that.

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Rosie March 19, 2007 - 2:13 pm

I personally don't see gays as a danger to me or my country Nigeria. We have more important things to worry about such as getting our educational system back on track, health care for everyone, amenities we can all live with. Leave the gays in their closet, and worry about what's truly important.

Chiddy March 16, 2007 - 1:37 pm

What can I say!I'm a firm believer in the Bible and all these things for me are a pointer that the end is indeed very near.People will keep doing things that make the ears tingle and if you rise up to protest,you'd be labelled a hater.I condemn homsexuality the same way I condemn fornication(pre-marital sex) and adultery(extra-marital sex).Pastor Haggard disappointed me as well as many others and that rehab thing is a joke.However,my sympathy to his wife and kids.One great thing about God is that He forgives.But may he deliver from the evil that is rampant in these days.

afro March 16, 2007 - 1:14 pm

AMEN!! and ISE!!

Ayo March 16, 2007 - 12:04 pm



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