Ladies and gentlemen, I am flabbergasted by the honour to address this august gathering. This gathering is august not because it falls in the month of august, (that is obvious) but because the persons gathered here are people to reckon with world over. So I really mean it when I say I am utterly flabbergasted that I was chosen to make the opening speech for this beautiful fanfare. Permit me to say that what we have starting today is historical in every sense. In one sense, it is a happening that has never occurred, where a renowned musician would remember others and not think of himself alone. In another sense, there has never been anything like a Koko Mansion, where women would be exalted because of some virtues. In the ultimate sense, the very nature of the reality show insinuates very interesting lessons and inferences. This is what I was bothered about when I received the invitation from Mr. Subair, and I hope to share these lessons and inferences with this august gathering. There are two things I hope that would happen at the end of my speech. One, I hope my inferences would be clearly understood, without prejudice. Second, I hope my speech would elicit enough applause that would remain memorable for a long time.
Let me start by reminding you, beautiful ladies, that what Mr. D’Banj has solicited to do for the next 8 weeks is not new in human history. This is not the first time women are the ‘central furniture’ in a marriage. This is not the first time men would not think of what they have to offer a marriage but what the women have to offer. So I am not surprised that Mr. D’Banj has said that Koko virtues would earn one of you first place. The virtues he has cited are familiar to what men want their women to have in a marriage including the “ability to cook sumptuous meals for D’Banj and his friends especially during impromptu visits.” My question for you, beautiful ladies, is, do you know how to cook sumptuous meals? Do not be fooled by the globalized nature of our world. The fact that you, women, are still considered objects has not been deleted. That is why your benefactor, Mr. D’Banj, has stated that the Koko virtues are what he and other “successful bachelors in his position” should necessarily look out for when “picking out a wife.” Notice the world ‘pick?’ It is just as though these successful bachelors are in a supermarket, picking groceries. In short, you are nothing but grocery to them.
I know that since you are here you have gone through a rigorous screening. You must be applauded. Immediately I read about the reality show, I immediately wished I were a lady. Not everyone gets such attention as having “full access” to Mr. D’Banj. Though my mum would have questioned me about the real meaning of “full access,” I doubt that she would not have allowed me the privilege of being a contestant in this reality show. For one, full access is not something I have really thought about. But honestly, going by the sexualization of our world, I doubt that full access would mean nothing intimate. But that is not mine to debate. What I am assured about, even by looking at your faces, is that you are beautiful. Beauty is a gift, somehow, and you did not make your face, did you? You found that men began to flutter when they talked with you, and that some were bold enough to call you very wonderful names. But what I wish to remind you is that beauty is subject to time, and aging is very real. Therefore, I beg you, if there are indications that your beauty is paramount to your marriage, ask your spouse if he would still marry you thirty years from today. Unfortunately, I must say, all the Koko virtues were dominated by the beauty virtue, and I am still wondering. But I must congratulate you for passing the test of beauty, though I am afraid if you would pass that test many years from now, despite aging creams and facial cleansers.
I am also concerned because you are being called, a kokolette, which as I guessed was a variant of the word, ‘koko.’ As at the last time I heard the word, Koko, it was a word with deducible vulgar meanings, especially in that popular song of Mr. D’Banj, in which he sang, make I tell you the koko… By now, you get my drift. Being a kokolette means that you are what the world has become – so much vulgarity. Are you such a woman? If you have not thought about it this way, think about it now.
Yes, and undoubtedly, you are going to become a celebrity. Becoming one of the final 12 ladies of this contest has already made you a celebrity. You would join other quick celebrities made from reality shows. For a while you are going to live in an illusory world, filled with anything you want, fabulous food, fashionable clothes, and a koko mansion. HITV would make your face famous. Mr. Subair, my good friend, would ensure that. Being associated with such a figure as Mr. D’Banj is no easy feat. But what is ‘celebrity,’ my dear ladies? I hope you agree that what makes people celebrites today is very cheap and simple. That is why Paris Hilton is a celebrity and all her gang of friends. That is why one of our musicians can impregnate more than 3 ladies and go about with his head high. I am afraid that with this reality show, you are joining the league of celebrities. Let me assure you that you would do anything to remain in that league; Mr. D’Banj can have “full access” to you, and so on. But you are a celebrity, thank God and thank Mr. D’Banj.
Finally, beautiful ladies, do not get the false notion that this reality show is about you. I would be disappointed at your cognition if you think in that manner. The fact is that this show is about Mr. D’Banj and those friends he has chosen. There are many facts that attest to this. One, you would have to cook sumptuous meals for him. Two, he decides who is to go and who is to remain through what he calls, “koko mycine.” Three, he wants you to help him and other successful bachelors know what to look for when they are picking out a wife. And finally, this might just be one way of extending his status as a celebrity – a celebrity who cares about people. Very selfish, don’t you think?
In the final analysis, I must not dissuade you from what you have already begun. It is a journey where you must learn several lessons, however bitter they might be. You are going to have loads of fun. That is not to be debated. But when it is ended, you are going to remember all I have said today, I assure you.
My heartfelt thanksgiving remains to the organizers for this rare privilege, especially to Mr. D’Banj. Thank you for listening, I await applause.
As I noted in the beginning, this is imagined, though genuine.