Nigeria Matters

And it Came to Pass!

And it came to pass that on the 29th day of the fifth month of the year 2011, the people of the land of Sodom placed their backs on the ground and spread their two legs so wide apart that each leg reacheth unto opposite sides of the earth. And Moloch Yaddie and his children looketh unto and into the wide open vagina that has been given unto them to rape for another four years and there was great merriment and rejoicing and they got drunk on the good wine they had looted from the land of Cana. And when the foams of wine cleared from their eyes, it came to pass that Moloch Yaddie and his children built a mighty altar to Beelzebub, their munificent god and inspiration, slaughtered all the cattle from the place from whence cometh the groundnut pyramids of the past, and gave thanks and praises to Beelzebub.

And it came to pass that Moloch Yaddie and his children made other demands of Beelzebub saying: “Oh ye Beelzebub our god and maker, to you be the glory for keeping this vagina that our fathers started raping on the first day of the tenth month of the year 1960 in the family. Make it come to pass that we shall also hand it over to our children and children’s children as it was handed over to us. And please Beelzebub, keep it as fresh and hairy as it has always been for we eat only bearded meat. Oh Beelzebub, if ye shall grant our request for another sixty years, we shall raise a mighty golden temple unto you such as the world has never seen. We have twenty million black and useless sheep disturbing our black gold. We shall slaughter them all in sacrifice to thee if ye shall but grant our humble request.”

And it came to pass that Beelzebub looked with kindness upon the supplicants and made them promises but with only one demand of his own. Beelzebub said unto his children: “seeing that you are The Chosen in whom I am well pleased; seeing that you and your fathers hath maketh me happy since you took delivery of that land on the first day of the tenth month of the year 1960, be it not assigned unto you the task of building me a mighty golden temple for a golden temple I need not. Give unto me only the necks and blood of the twenty million black sheep blocking your black gold. Will you do that for me? And it came to pass that there was even more rejoicing in the household of Moloch Yaddie. For it was cheaper to dispense with twenty million sheep than waste resources on building a mighty golden temple. And Moloch Yaddie replied: “oh ye Beelzebub our maker, even as I kneel here in supplication before thee, I have already ordered that the necks and blood of the sheep of Gbaramatu land be brought unto thee as first installment so that thou knowest that I, your worshipper-in-chief, am a man of my words.”

And it came to pass that Beelzebub looked at the handiwork of Moloch Yaddie in Gbaramatu land and it was good. And Beelzebub said unto Moloch Yaddie: “seeing the thoroughness of thine labour in the vine yard of blood in Gbaramatu land, be it granted unto thee and thine household one more request”. And it came to pass that Moloch Yaddie went into counsel. What shall we ask of Beelzebub? What shall we ask? What shall we ask? More black gold? The heads of our enemies? The necks of our unpatriotic children who abuse us from abroad? More vaginas to rape? What shall we ask of Beelzebub?

And it came to pass that a man called Iborilech, the son of Ahimelech the Jebusite, found favour in the eyes of Moloch Yaddie. And Iborilech came unto Moloch Yaddie, did obeisance, and said: “oh great Moloch, did the son of that carpenter from Nazareth not ask his followers to come and find rest? He said unto them: come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” And Moloch Yaddie nodded in agreement. And Iborilech continued: “Oh Moloch, let us ask the opposite of Beelzebub. The only burden and yoke we carry in your household, oh Moloch Yaddie, is the burden of Ghana-must-go bags. That is the burden that that foster son of a carpenter wants to make light! That is treasonable felony, oh Moloch. Who wants to carry lighter Ghana-must-go bags? How can a bag filled with dollars, pounds, and euros be light? Ask of Beelzebub to make our burden and yoke even heavier”.

And it came to pass that there was great rejoicing over the solomonic wisdom of Iborilech, son of Ahimelech the Jebusite. And Moloch Yaddie said unto Iborilech: “verily verily I say unto thee, today you will be with me in my Paradise on the Rock”. And it came to pass that Beelzebub granted unto Moloch Yaddie and his children their request of a heavier yoke. And their Ghana-must-go burden got heavier every day. And unto Iborilech was added forty billion of the heaviest Ghana-must-go burdens that Moloch Yaddie could find.

And it came to pass that Beelzebub got drunk on the praises and offerings he got daily from Moloch Yaddie and Iborilech. And it came to pass that Beelzebub overlooked Joseph, the carpenter and foster father of the man with the light burden, and mocked the man’s real Father saying: “thou callest thineself “I am that I am”. Thou maketh this land which thou namest ‘Eden’. See as my children, Moloch Yaddie and Iborilech, overuneth and renameth it Sodom!”

And it came to pass that I am that I am got very angry over the effrontery of Beelzebub and vowed to destroy Beelzebub, Moloch Yaddie, Iborilech, and all the other demons who conquered Eden and renamed it Sodom. And it came to pass that the foster son of the Nazarene carpenter interceded with his real Father on behalf of Beelzebub, Moloch Yaddie, and Iborilech son of Ahimelech the Jebusite. “Father, do not destroy them. The Sodomites deserve them”. And I am that I am asked: “son why speaketh thou thus?” And the son answered: “father thou maketh those Sodomites after our image but they cast away our image and taketh images we did not create. Thou giveth them the example of Ukraine and Iran, Ghana, and Botswana but they have eyes and do not see; they have ears but they hear not. Year after year, decade after decade, they lie flat on their backs, open their legs wide for Beelzebub, Moloch Yaddie, and Iborilech. Father, thou hast never helped any people who did not first help themselves.”

And it came to pass that I am that I am thought about the counsel of His son and it found favour in His ears. And it came to pass that on the weekly appointed day of Sabbath, the Sodomites rose, dusted their backs and buttocks, went to their places of worship, screamed unto I am that I am and His son “save us, please save us from Moloch Yaddie and Iborilech”, and returned immediately to their positions under Moloch Yaddie and Iborilech after the screaming.

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