Congratulations to Yar’Adua and Jonathan for Winning the 2007 Election

“It is enough that the people know there was an election. The people who cast the votes decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything.”
Josef Stalin

The 2007 elections were concluded last week. The exercise was deemed free and fair by both the EFCC and the International Monitoring Group, as well as by all Nigerians at home and in the Diaspora. All votes in all precincts, all over the country, were properly counted. Praise the Lord that the INEC has done its job, and has done so in flying colors. There was no rigging, no magomago, no katakata, and no wuruwuru. In fact, there were no irregularities. Democracy has come to stay and flourish in Nigeria.

That the Obasanjo/Yar’Adua/Jonathan ticket won is nothing out of the ordinary. What would have been out of the ordinary is if they had lost — in which case even their political opponents would have taken them for fools; and would have invited the wrath and sword of friends and family and critics. Even Andrew Young would have been pissed at them. Ambassador Young knows who butters his bread.

Sworn enemies of Nigeria are claiming that the electoral process was manipulated. They are alleging that the PDP screwed their opponents. But so what? What if some screwing took place? Whose wahala is that? There are soft screws and hard screws. If you are ever screwed just enjoy it, or endure it. You know what, Buhari, Atiku, Utomi, Ojukwu, and others would have done the same thing to the PDP if they had the chance. They too would have outspent, outmaneuvered, and outsmarted their opponents. This is a case of do-me-I-do-you-God-no-go-vex.

They too would have registered dead bodies, chickens, fowls, dogs, pigs, and mosquitoes; they too would have humped their opponents. Just that this time around, the PDP was the perpetrator. OBJ and his paddies simply did (to them) what they would have done to him. Come to think of it: what in heavens name were they thinking? That the OBJ-train was just going to fade away…walk gracefully into the sunset? Heck no! He is not a Mandela. Not a Senghor. Not an Nyerere. He knows it. We know it, too.

By the way: all those who believed that the PDP and Aso Rock manipulated the system, cheated, overcounted some votes and then undercounted others are simply jealous. Pure jealousy! There were no irregularities. I swear by God’s name, there were no rigging. Oh no, OBJ and the PDP are beyond such nonsense. I swear by the name of the entire juju in the Niger Delta; I swear by the name of all the marabouts in Northern Nigeria; and I also swear by the name of all the Babalawo in Yoruba land. Additionally, I swear by all the gods in the land of the Ndiigbo…I swear that the PDP and OBJ and his posse committed no criminal offences. They did not rig the election. Otio oo…nothing like that happened.

For several years now, I have been a wayward Nigerian. I have been abusing, accusing, criticizing and blaming President Olusegun Obasanjo for our collective wretchedness. I have blamed him for all the corruptions and mismanagement that have become our national pastime. But you know something? I am sorry. I am deeply sorry for offending Mr. President. I was wrong. I apologize. OBJ is the best thing that has ever happened to Nigeria. Without him there would have been no Nigeria; without him there will be no Nigeria.

Sir, I apologize. Now that I have apologized, could you please command Yar’Adua to consider me for a ministerial position?

I am also tendering my sincere and deepest apology to Chief and Dr. Jonathan Goodluck for calling him a good for nothing governor. I was merely joking. Ranka dede sir, who am I to call you names? I didn’t mean to call you incompetent. You are the Governor General of all Ijaw son and daughters. If I offended you in the past, please forgive and forget. May God bless you and yours. From one Ijaw man to another Ijaw man, I am sorry sir. To show that you have forgiven me, please send some oil contracts my way. Poverty is killing me in Yankee; so I beg look favorably upon my request. Man must chop, man must wack.

Back to the election issue: as far as one can tell, Nigerians now have a superior and vast understanding of democracy, and have a greater insight into the electoral process. There were 100 million eligible voters in the country, and the INEC was able to register all 100 millions, out of which 99.9% voted. What follow is the official results, as tabulated by (INEC) and the Otta Farm & Aso Rock Arrangee Group. Again, Congratulations Mr. and Mr. President and Vice President Goodluck. One Nigeria! One Nigeria! One Nigeria! To keep Nigeria one is a task that must be done.