Fellow Nigerians

by Segun Akinyode

It is with thanks to God Almighty, Olodumare, Jesus

Christ, and Mohammed (peace be upon Him) that I

address you on this 44th anniversary of our

community’s independence. I want to thank you all and

appreciate your steadfastness, honesty and sincerity

in building this nation using the boundless

opportunities and possibilities that God has

thankfully bestowed on us.

We have enough reasons to thank Allah and God

Almighty, not forgetting Okija and other shrines in

the Diaspora and those yet to be discovered by our

cock and fire police force of the Federal Republic.

In spite of some tribulation here and there, we have

been spared some of the unpalatable experiences and

agonies that have besieged and rendered other nations

irrelevant in the scheme of things. For instance,

social services and health care have collapsed in the

USA but we are thankful that America’s woes are our

gains as both sectors of our economy have witnessed an

unprecedented 50% increase both in quality and

quantity in the last five years.

In addition, we are steadily and surely recovering

from past mistakes and misdeeds as we have established

a renewed credentials in the international community

and all her affiliated arms, culminating in our

glorious movement from the second most corrupt nation

in the world to the first position. This achievement,

fellow countrymen, and women is worth dining and

wining for.

The core of this administration focus is the

redefining of our political hopes, goals and

aspirations. We have therefore put in place sound,

enduring and plausible measures to ensure an absolute

transformation of our current state to a more rosy and

conducisive political, and social environments. Our

most formidable adversaries in the path of

implementing these plans, are America and Europe.

These continents have done great damage to our

well-being. Our professionals are continuously

fleeing this community in search of better

opportunities when they should stay at home and help

salvage our dilapidated social and political

structures. It is our conviction that, as soon as we

are able to reverse the pricing of fuel, these valued

professionals on exile will return to the safe haven

of the most progressive calamity in the world.

Even our vitriolic critics have agreed that we are

making laudable progress in our fight against

corruption. In addition to the landmark achievements

we intend to appoint Alhaji Salisu Uba the next

governor of Central Bank, make Tafa Oyin his deputy

and recover our stolen millions from General Sani.

Let me assure you, dear countrymen and women that

profligacy, one of the misdeeds of past

administrations, has been buried by the present

Federal government.

To ensure that the ugly economic misadventure does not

resurrect like Jesus Christ, we have appointed an

IMF-trained economist as our Finance Minister. His

salary is paid in dollars while other ministers

receive their emoluments in the local currency.

Placed in this financial glorification, we are

convinced that the finance minister will be respected

by other ministers. So, corruption and profligacy

will end soon, very soon.

What about fiscal indiscipline, mismanagement, waste,

misplaced priorities and insensitivity to groans and

pains of the masses? We on our part have done all we

could to put a check on those ugly development by

ensuring that the sons and daughters of those who

ruined us in the past and those dead woods and

unrecyclable materials are appointed and reappointed

to key and sensitive positions. We sincerely believe

that it is those who have the sign of naira, dollar

and pound sterling posperity that should think for the

hapless masses of this dark nation.

Let us cultivate a new approach towards government and

those in positions of authority and power. A

situation where we pelt our rulers with stones and

other local missiles when they visit their

constituencies does not portray us to the Western

World as serious-minded people. Even when we are

hungry and lack the most basic things of life,

poverty-stricken and what have you, we should still

bear with the reform agenda of government which will

begin to bear fruits soon. At least we are not yet

mortuary-bound. Are we? Should you persist in this

mindless assault of your rulers, you would leave us no

other choice than to ask the national assembly to

appropriate more dollars with which to procure

helicopters for local commuting of your rulers. Do

you hear that? I just hope it won’t come to that.

As some of you are aware, there is the urgent need to

establish more universities, polytechnics,

monotechnics, and colleges of education to ensure that

the private ones are given a good run for their money

on one hand and ensure the uninterrupted production of

lethargic intellectuals, on the other. This need has

prompted me to propose establishing a University to be

sited near Ogun River. This university will

specialize in teaching crude oil refining.

I think we need such universities since, in spite of

the $800 million dollars spent since 1999 refurbishing

our refineries, their services remain epileptic. We

have therefore concluded that the refineries will

never work again. Sadly enough, the contractors, who

had been fully paid, had vanished into the busy air of

Abuja after giving us false home and office addresses.

My special assistants are considering sending a

proposal to the national assembly to grant the

presidency the right to prosecute the contractors.

Very soon, countrymen and women, you will see some

action in this regard.

We have put in place a sound economic reform agenda

called State Economic Empowerment Development Strategy

(SEEDS) for the State governments to implement.

These initiatives are meant to complement the federal

government economic reforms drive. As soon as the

experts we are hoping to import from Congo and Sudan

arrive, we intend to send some party loyalists to

Uganda and Haiti to understudy the successful economic

programmes of both countries for possible replication

in our country.

Only the blind as some of you are, are still critical

of our alignment with UN and AU initiatives. Once we

are able to successfully recover the money from

Mohammed Sani and the one with Makanjuola in 2009, we

shall disburse the money to the local and state

governments. This novel idea (which idea?) is meant

to give added legitimacy to the recklessness of the

government at that level and boost our reforms agenda

as they are dedicated to the same AU economic goals –

poverty elevation, wealth and job destruction,

nepotism and ethnicism development, glorification of

fuel importation, corruption empowerment and other

human development indices you dear countrymen and

women are wont to suggest to us in your capacity as

the real custodians of power and authority.

In the areas of power generation and distribution, I

am happy to report to you that we have moved from the

Stone Age when our forebears had to strike stones to

generate fire and energy to the state where we have

established a network of cobweb-like wires stretching

from Kanji to Oshogbo. The days when our industries

have to rely on imported electricity generating sets

to power their machines are gone for good. Our homes

no longer rely on wax candles and hurricane lanterns.

The implications are that our ability to attract

foreign investors has been tripled while prices of

manufactured goods have tumbled.

It is most gratifying that by the time our

administration is dead and you, fellow Nigerians, have

to refer to us with bitter nostalgia, we will have

been able to put in place a power generation and

distribution system comparable to what was obtained

when Sango was the Alafin of Oyo.

In the area of communication, you are all direct

beneficiaries of the comfort and satisfaction

generated by the GSM revolution. Thank the gods that

you can now, from the comfort of your bedroom converse

with your loved ones wherever the may be under the

sun. The iyaloja and babalojas, the cobblers, the

cripples to the Bill Gates and, Monica Lewinsky of our

society can now smile and talk, even if some of you

can no longer afford to feed properly on account of

the highest air time tariff which you are charged plus

the prohibitive cost of recharge cards.

My dear patriots, our source of joy and pride is our

achievements in the area of agriculture. We cannot be

accused of self-glorification by our most ardent

critic and detractors, because we have exceeded the

UN’s protein prescription on account of my being a

chicken farmer.

In addition, the UN told us that our agriculture has

chalked up an unprecedented 7 per cent growth rate,

our grain reserve has reached an alarming 500,000

tons, our chicken reserve, if you add the ones in my

farms, has touched 10 million birds and the number

keeps increasing.

This laudable growth has made us one of the largest

exporters of agricultural products in the world today.

I am happy to report to you that we now export Uncle

Ben’s rice to Thailand, Tokyo and Columbia while our

locally processed frozen chicken and turkey are eaten

in homes in Ghana, USA, Russia and Australia. From

next month we shall be the largest exporter of grains

to the USA.

Our healthcare services have grown with tremendous

impact. The old and infirm are being treated free of

charge while our hospitals and clinics have

transformed from mere consulting rooms to a more round

discharge of healthcare services. I want to assure

you that as soon as all the medical doctors on

secondment to Saudi Arabia and Italy are back in the

country, we shall declare medical service free to all

of you.

Fellow countrymen and women, what we all stand to gain

can only be meaningful and edifying if we join hands

with government in her efforts to implement the reform


Thank you all and I wish you a happy Independence


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marshalspark@yahoo.com August 15, 2005 - 2:36 pm

Yes it is a satire

Anonymous August 15, 2005 - 7:16 am

Is this a satire

Anonymous April 26, 2005 - 6:52 am

it's fantastic.i'm a student of ur class pre nd estate mangt.my name is latifat


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