Nigeria Matters

Free Advice…But Please Don’t Take My Word For It

How to Offer Bribes:

There are five cardinal rules to playing the bribery game: (1) watch your back; (2) know who is at the receiving end; (3) don’t be greedy; (4) don’t boast about your activities; (5) don’t cheat your partners and (6) don’t get caught. But if you get caught, don’t squeal on your accomplices because tomorrow will come and one can never tell in which quarter or on which team one will find oneself. Bribery and all sorts of corrupt practices may be bad, but if you must partake in it, you must know that even amongst thieves and crooks and duplicitous bastards, there are rules, there is honor even amongst the scum of the earth. Recent band of crooks did not follow these simple rules, therefore, they must suffer like all those who planned coups and failed. If you fail, you will be hanged; if you succeed, you become the emperor. Failure is not an option in matters of coups and bribery gone badly!

Whom to Steal From:

The first thing you must know about stealing is this: don’t steal from the poor and the working class. Don’t steal from your friends or neighbors or family members. One of the reasons I am mad at armed-robbers is that they steal from the poor and underprivileged. Why, for instance, would anyone want to rob the poor of Ajegunle, Mushin or Idioro — when you have the rich and the wealthy in Ikoyi, Abuja and similar places? Compile a list of the entire PDP juggernauts, all the state governors, ministers and commissioners and their types. Trust me; they have money hidden in their homes. Rob them, but please leave the poor alone. Other good sources are the federal government or the companies you work for. The other day, some fools robbed a department store when they should have the central bank. I need not inform you that the Nigerian government has billions and billions of petro-dollars. Also, global companies like the oil corporations have billions and billions and billions of dollars in their possession. So, if you are thinking of robbing big time, I would suggest those entities. You get me?  Thank you!

Cheating on Your Man:

What do you care? Why should you care? Men have been at it for years and years. They have been cheating and messing around since the beginning of time. In a society where men believe it is their birthright, a sort of entitlement to have 2 or 10 or as many sexual partners as possible, why shouldn’t you do the same? It is payback time. So, stick it to as many men as you possibly can; but whatever you, and however you do it, don’t get caught and don’t catch STDs. Please be careful; be really careful. Be that as it may, here are three simple rules: (1) don’t mess around with his friends and cousins, and don’t do it in your immediate neighborhood; (2) don’t deprive him of his daily or weekly dose of sexing, otherwise, he will begin to suspect you are doling it out somewhere else; and (3) do not leave traces of anything. And if you ever get caught, please never ever admit to anything. Deny, deny and deny some more until the day you want to spite him or want to make him feel little and insignificant.

Cheating on Your Woman:

I have yet to meet a man who would not stick it to his ex-wife or ex-girl friend if the opportunity presented itself. I have never met a man who will not cheat on his wife if there is an assurance that his infidelity will remain a secret; and I don’t know of a man who is one hundred percent certain he married the right woman. You see, men are always wondering if the women in their lives are the “right ones;” in some ways, women wonder, too: they wonder if they are not settling for the lowest bidder. Tell me: when was the last time you saw a man cry because his wife cheated or left him? Oh no, men generally don’t give a hoot. Their ego may get bruised, and they may be sad for a minute or so. And did you know that most men would rather not have women permanently stationed in their homes? It cramps their style and their ability to engage in freestyle jacking

On Ancient and Modern Sex:

As a young man in Nigeria of the 1950s, sex was different. It was simple, uncomplicated: Woman undress. Man undress. Woman lay down on her back with her knees facing the heavens. Man climbs on top. And then man goes in and out and out and in and in and out for, say, 5-50 minutes. That was it. No fuss. No foreplay. No wahala. No go slow. No bravado. Today, things are different. I am told that men and women have to do a whole lot of things to please one another. I have been told of the imaginable and the totally unimaginable things. I have been told of foreplay, toys and other accessories. I have been told of the things men and women have to do with their tongues and fingers and all sorts of energizing acts. I have been told of the different requirements involved; I have also been told that sex has been elevated to a science, and that it is now very artistic. A brave new world of lovemaking has been upon the world the last two decades, I am told. Twenty-five years from now, I wonder where sex would be.

On RiggingElections:

No election, any where in the world, is ever free and fair. “Free and fair” is a subjective concept. Wherever there is competition of any type, there is bound to be some tampering, some wayowayo, and some ojoro. To expect 100% fairness is to set oneself up for failure or disappointment. Incumbents and parties in power rarely lose elections. For instance, if President Obasanjo had lost the 2003 presidential election, even his political opponents would have taken him for a fool; he would have invited the wrath and sword of his pals and family members. By the way: when was the last time a sitting African president lost an election? When? Simply put: if Party A doesn’t rig the election, Party B would. Every candidate and every political party tries to outspend, outmaneuver, and outsmart their opponents. Saints are never welcome during elections. The reality is that whatever you fail to do to your political enemies, your political enemies will do to you. The last time I checked — more so in the animal kingdom — it is better you are the predator than be the victim.

God is For the Poor and the Weak:

If I ever get interested in the idea of a divine being, I’d rather the African God. I kind of fancy the God you can see and feel, and whose love and vengeance you can feel when called upon. There are things about the Oyinbo God that troubles me, but more than that, I am troubled by the way they made my fathers and mothers forsake their own Gods for their own God. Come to think if it, Africans are a very smart people: they placed bets on the three Abrahamic faiths (Islam, Christianity and Judaism), and then on their forefathers’ God. This way, they are assured of salvation — assuming there is such a thing. Head, they win; tail, they win; draw, they also win.

Whether there is a God or not is not what’s pulling at my pants. Have you ever asked yourself the following questions: (1) why is it that only the poor — the poor, the weak and the wretched — fervently worships God? You never see the very rich Nigerians spending hours and hours in Church every Sunday. The rich and the powerful don’t waste their time calling on God; (2) why is it that, in Nigeria as elsewhere in Africa, most of the Churches are situated in poor neighborhoods; (3) why is it that you rarely hear the rich, the educated and the powerful say such corny and dumb things as “God dey ooooo,” “leave am for God ooooooo,” “what will be will be,” “na so God want am,” etc, etc. Those in the know know that — even if there is a God — he minds his business. And what business is that? Mmnn I wonder…

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