It has always surprised me that given the great numbers of single Nigerian women at home and abroad, we are yet to see a deluge of constructive articles from the older women folks on how to get hooked up and stay married to their bros. All you read about mostly is how Nigerian men are evil, how “some” men are chauvinist, how “they” are demons- but still, how to hook them, marry them and keep them just seem beyond these selfish female writers. Wetin sef? So to come to the aid of my pretty licky sisters across the globe, I have decided to put together this little “How To” article. If Sabella (Abidde), Michael Ewetuga and Uche (Nworah) have been so gracious in providing tips to the men on how to game and shine congo, I see no reason why in the spirit of equal opportunity and affirmative action I should not step in to the void created by the women writers of our time, who either due to a lack of clue or selfishness find no reason to give their sisters in need a helping hand or two; and I fully expect them to come after me too. NOTE: This article is not about catching Nigerian men, or imprisoning them for that matter; if that is your intention- move on.
Beautiful, unhooked and unattached Nigerian women abound around the globe and great a number of them are feverishly seeking life partners; in this day and age of feminist uprising as well as economic hardship, it is not hard to see why many Nigerian young men are either postponing their marriageable age or altogether abandoning the enterprise. From Nigeria to America and even Europe the women are crying out loud: “there are no Nigerian men that want to marry!” It is so bad that some even go the extent of importing men- that one na anoda tory for anoda day my sisters. Even me sef dey think of setting up a hook up central agency, or may be na dating website for Nigerian Singles in Diaspora- either way, I shall hit my millions (before you know Google will buy me out- ewo lewo). In any case, hooking up a Nigerian man is not voodoo but a combination of art and science. It will take going back in time; contrary to what the corruptive view of the plethora of feminist writers will want you to believe, to search for the ingredients your great grand mother up until your mother used to capture these aparo (a specialist bird) of a Nigerian men are made of.
The first rule is pretty simple: do not believe the hype. Forget that nonsense you have been reading on the Internet: period. The Nigerian man is not hard to figure out, hard to please and neither is he asking for too much. Indeed, you should not believe the hype because you do not know the darkest secrets and credentials of the “hyper”. I mean, for starters you are not aware of their marital status i.e. some of them have their Nigerian men on lock down already, so don’t do follow-follow to lifelong existence in single hood while your pundit is getting shagged left and right, giving birth to “flenty” pikins and enjoying the joy of marriage and companionship. Secondly, do you know the writer’s sexual preference/orientation? I will leave it at that, before some people start to accuse me of debauchery and obsessive derision. So in short, in the absence of these crucial information amongst many, it will be idiotic for you to do what they say or even adopt some of their warped thought. Instead, you might want to believe me- as an independent, uninterested party in this matter (you know it is only your interest that interests me).
Having established my credibility (I hope I have), it is now time to get our hands dirty. The saying that “the way to the heart of a man is his stomach” is very true. At this juncture I must say that if you do not know how to cook and you don’t want to learn, you might as well forget hooking up and keeping a Nigerian man. Contrary to what many believe, Nigerian men are some of the best cook around, but more so than cooking we like teaching our women how to cook (if any of you laugh at that suggestion, I will request that you check the list of winners of the Maggi Cooking Competition backwards of twenty five years). In short, while you might not be the best cook, you must be a willing learner. This is also true for those women that know how to cook, because even though you sabi cook up some hot Ogbono with Oporoko fish, it does not mean you cook it like he likes it prepared. For one, I like this delicacy prepared with a specially patented methodology and you better know how to do it my way if you intend to capture this upwardly mobile young man (Disclaimer: not seeking)
In addition to being able to cook up storm and hurricane, a woman intending to capture and keep her Nigerian man must be schooled in the art of culture. That is the best way I can put it: even the most forward looking of Nigerian men is a traditionalist at heart. You must learn the wisdom, diplomacy and canny ways of your mothers and know how to optimize the abilities of your man. You must be able to praise him without making his head too big, cut him to size without hurting his ego and more so schooled in the art of manipulating his intentions without rubbing it in his face. Patience is the key word here, you might not always have your say but more often than not you will have your way. This is contrary to the “have your say, won’t have your way” philosophy of your feminist irrendist– which will you rather have?
Thirdly, how else can I put it? Family, family, family; at the risk of incurring the wrath of the witches, may I say that when you finally get to marry your Nigerian man you have effectively not only married into his family but have married his family. Moreover, your actions while his family is present should not necessary correlate with what you will normally do or say in their absence. This is very important considering the fact that you might as well be doing yourself a lot of favor by doing it that way. The easiest way to be left in the cold world of divorce is to openly revolt against your man’s family: note the word “openly”.
Furthermore, as you can draw from the foregoing you cannot be a troublemaker and “man wannabe” and still keep a Nigerian man. You must accept your feminity (sic), accept it as a gift not a burden and stop interfering in his soccer game for attention or standing in the way of his “men” nights out. And by the way, feminity is not weakness. The fact is as a famous poet once wrote: “the easiest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly, and the easiest way to keep love is to give it wings”. This cannot be truer for a Nigerian man. Indeed, you will need a more than abundant measure of spirit of forgiveness. With a Nigerian man, you will be offended, wronged and still be expected to forgive. It is part of the trade agreement- no pain without gain. “It is my devil not yours”, some married women that know their onions will say. Let every body mind their business. Forget those friends of yours whose first advice is to dump your man; truth is that they will be the first to eye him the moment you dump him or they are simply trying to seek a co-traveler in the cold nippy bed of single hood.
Last but not the least, in the spirit of modesty I must say that to keep a Nigerian man you must be superlative in the field of congo shinesse (as opposed to shining, since we do the shining-to hell with you riders!). I shall not expatiate on this matter but will leave Baba 69, alias Sabella Abbide to complete the job for me. Sorry, I have a nice lady on the line. See you!