How to keep a Nigerian Man

by Michael Oluwagbemi II

It has always surprised me that given the great numbers of single Nigerian women at home and abroad, we are yet to see a deluge of constructive articles from the older women folks on how to get hooked up and stay married to their bros. All you read about mostly is how Nigerian men are evil, how “some” men are chauvinist, how “they” are demons- but still, how to hook them, marry them and keep them just seem beyond these selfish female writers. Wetin sef? So to come to the aid of my pretty licky sisters across the globe, I have decided to put together this little “How To” article. If Sabella (Abidde), Michael Ewetuga and Uche (Nworah) have been so gracious in providing tips to the men on how to game and shine congo, I see no reason why in the spirit of equal opportunity and affirmative action I should not step in to the void created by the women writers of our time, who either due to a lack of clue or selfishness find no reason to give their sisters in need a helping hand or two; and I fully expect them to come after me too. NOTE: This article is not about catching Nigerian men, or imprisoning them for that matter; if that is your intention- move on.

Beautiful, unhooked and unattached Nigerian women abound around the globe and great a number of them are feverishly seeking life partners; in this day and age of feminist uprising as well as economic hardship, it is not hard to see why many Nigerian young men are either postponing their marriageable age or altogether abandoning the enterprise. From Nigeria to America and even Europe the women are crying out loud: “there are no Nigerian men that want to marry!” It is so bad that some even go the extent of importing men- that one na anoda tory for anoda day my sisters. Even me sef  dey think of setting up a hook up central agency, or may be na dating website for Nigerian Singles in Diaspora- either way, I shall hit my millions (before you know Google will buy me out- ewo lewo). In any case, hooking up a Nigerian man is not voodoo but a combination of art and science. It will take going back in time; contrary to what the corruptive view of the plethora of feminist writers will want you to believe, to search for the ingredients your great grand mother up until your mother used to capture these aparo (a specialist bird) of a Nigerian men are made of.

The first rule is pretty simple: do not believe the hype. Forget that nonsense you have been reading on the Internet: period. The Nigerian man is not hard to figure out, hard to please and neither is he asking for too much. Indeed, you should not believe the hype because you do not know the darkest secrets and credentials of the “hyper”. I mean, for starters you are not aware of their marital status i.e. some of them have their Nigerian men on lock down already, so don’t do follow-follow to lifelong existence in single hood while your pundit is getting shagged left and right, giving birth to “flenty” pikins and enjoying the joy of marriage and companionship. Secondly, do you know the writer’s sexual preference/orientation? I will leave it at that, before some people start to accuse me of debauchery and obsessive derision. So in short, in the absence of these crucial information amongst many, it will be idiotic for you to do what they say or even adopt some of their warped thought. Instead, you might want to believe me- as an independent, uninterested party in this matter (you know it is only your interest that interests me).

Having established my credibility (I hope I have), it is now time to get our hands dirty. The saying that “the way to the heart of a man is his stomach” is very true. At this juncture I must say that if you do not know how to cook and you don’t want to learn, you might as well forget hooking up and keeping a Nigerian man. Contrary to what many believe, Nigerian men are some of the best cook around, but more so than cooking we like teaching our women how to cook (if any of you laugh at that suggestion, I will request that you check the list of winners of the Maggi Cooking Competition backwards of twenty five years). In short, while you might not be the best cook, you must be a willing learner. This is also true for those women that know how to cook, because even though you sabi cook up some hot Ogbono with Oporoko fish, it does not mean you cook it like he likes it prepared. For one, I like this delicacy prepared with a specially patented methodology and you better know how to do it my way if you intend to capture this upwardly mobile young man (Disclaimer: not seeking)

In addition to being able to cook up storm and hurricane, a woman intending to capture and keep her Nigerian man must be schooled in the art of culture. That is the best way I can put it: even the most forward looking of Nigerian men is a traditionalist at heart. You must learn the wisdom, diplomacy and canny ways of your mothers and know how to optimize the abilities of your man. You must be able to praise him without making his head too big, cut him to size without hurting his ego and more so schooled in the art of manipulating his intentions without rubbing it in his face. Patience is the key word here, you might not always have your say but more often than not you will have your way. This is contrary to the “have your say, won’t have your way” philosophy of your feminist irrendist– which will you rather have?

Thirdly, how else can I put it? Family, family, family; at the risk of incurring the wrath of the witches, may I say that when you finally get to marry your Nigerian man you have effectively not only married into his family but have married his family. Moreover, your actions while his family is present should not necessary correlate with what you will normally do or say in their absence. This is very important considering the fact that you might as well be doing yourself a lot of favor by doing it that way. The easiest way to be left in the cold world of divorce is to openly revolt against your man’s family: note the word “openly”.

Furthermore, as you can draw from the foregoing you cannot be a troublemaker and “man wannabe” and still keep a Nigerian man. You must accept your feminity (sic), accept it as a gift not a burden and stop interfering in his soccer game for attention or standing in the way of his “men” nights out. And by the way, feminity is not weakness. The fact is as a famous poet once wrote: “the easiest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly, and the easiest way to keep love is to give it wings”. This cannot be truer for a Nigerian man. Indeed, you will need a more than abundant measure of spirit of forgiveness. With a Nigerian man, you will be offended, wronged and still be expected to forgive. It is part of the trade agreement- no pain without gain. “It is my devil not yours”, some married women that know their onions will say. Let every body mind their business. Forget those friends of yours whose first advice is to dump your man; truth is that they will be the first to eye him the moment you dump him or they are simply trying to seek a co-traveler in the cold nippy bed of single hood.

Last but not the least, in the spirit of modesty I must say that to keep a Nigerian man you must be superlative in the field of congo shinesse (as opposed to shining, since we do the shining-to hell with you riders!). I shall not expatiate on this matter but will leave Baba 69, alias Sabella Abbide to complete the job for me. Sorry, I have a nice lady on the line. See you!

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opal November 5, 2014 - 8:32 pm

Hello. I’m a naturalized American citizen who met a Nigerian man on fb two weeks ago. I’ve never had any type of relationship with Nigerian and i’m somewhat uncertain possibly due to my lack of knowledge about Nigerian culture on a whole. He has already told me he loves me and I’m his wife whom God sent to him after his fasting for a wife. He wants me to go to Nigeria to meet his family and is pressing me to tell him I love him, which can’t say such when i really don’t know anything about him and his family, other than what he has told me. He says he’s from Abia State in Nigeria from the Igbos tribe and he’s also pressing marriage. I don’t know why I’m getting the feeling that he’s trying to get himself a greencard or something. how can I tell If he’s being truthful if at all. he appears to very nice but I’m afraid of making a big mistake.

Dana December 8, 2014 - 5:55 am

That man does not love you, he does not know you! He is a scammer, and NO MAN will tell you they love you when they have not even met you, and furthermore they don’t say it only talking to you for two weeks! YOU TURN AND RUN GIRL, THIS MAN IS TROUBLE!

Wina May 5, 2012 - 9:02 pm

@Nita: Am sorry to know what you have experienced in a married life with Nigerian man. Yes, God always want us to be happy. It’s in the Bible saying “I am your great God.” Truly, Him alone can get into your spirit and be happy as what He promise. Am from Philippines, and honest to say that I fall in love to a Nigerian man. But only God knows in right time if we’re really meant for each other. Am praying for His purpose and wants for me. God Bless us.

lucky lady 101 March 9, 2012 - 9:28 am

U know what u speak of is simply traditional marrital situtaions….yes..traditionaly this is how all women were..they were the absolute nurturers of the household in every aspect of the word..however…with womens rights enhancing over the years ..woman hav elected to take on many different roles….it all boils down to what a man`s (of any cultural background)preference is….do u want a traditional woman? Or do you want a liberated woman? And women we dnt hav to get mad if this is what they choose..because we know which type of woman we are…no need to bash nigerian need to bash nigerian women….or any women or man in general….the bottom line is preference. No one is forcing anyone to be together….peace n african american engaged to a nigerian man…im a traditional woman….he chose me..and i accepted…thas it.

angelina February 2, 2012 - 3:48 pm

I am from Italy and I’m dating a Nigerian… we are together since 7 months am teriffied, that he will leave me! becouse I can’t bring him in Italy becouse i haven’t got a job to support him and i’m affraid of losing him we love each other I love him. I am so confused… becouse i don’t want to lose him i was thinking to get married in nigeria and move there with him he is a wonderful guy

Akde October 19, 2011 - 6:06 pm

I rate the article as poor because the writer endorses abusive and controlling behavior. Please do not believe that all Nigeria men are as he describes. Run from abusive chauvanist men. I am an Okojie. I have been married to my wonderful husband for 24 years. We have had up and downs but mostly we have helped each other to grow into healthy respectable human beings. Most important we Love one another. He married me and my four children, and then we had two boys. He worked his butt off, and never held back on anything. I have always shared his bank act. and had free access to funds. I just want women to know that not all Nigeria men are selfish, controlling, ego maniacs. There are good and loving Nigeria men who encourage equality and are faithful men who adore their wives. If you don’t believe me, then talk to my Nigeria sister in laws in Calfornia. We are all strong and independent women married to Okojie men who are strong but married to women who are free and happy. Never allow anyone to take away your right to be the person God intended you to be. To the woman who has two sons, one a doctor, the other a basketball player. I loved your story. I believe your sons grew up to be good and decent men because of your love, and guidance. Thump up to loving and respectful Nigeria men.

MORENIKE October 8, 2011 - 8:42 pm

This article has some good points, but I think we should recognize a man is a man is a man, and they are not too hard to figure out…. Whatever race they are. They are like babies , keep them fed and rested and they will be good. LOL. Respect him and give him good sex and he will treat you like a queen. My Nigerian husband is the most respectable , kind , family oriented man I have ever met and I love him to pieces. If you want real advice look to your bible . God gave Eve to Adam to COMPLIMENT him. Proverbs 31 speaks of a wife who cooks and cleans and is industrious and looks after the best interests of her family. Wives are to show deep respect to their husbands. IN TURN , husbands treat wives delicately and kind with love and show her honor. Being submissive to your husband requires strength and deserves respect. Women raise up and cherish your God given role. Spoil your chocolate man and he will spoil you. No one is perfect , expect to have to forgive any man of any race. Be your confident , happy and beautiful selves ladies and have fun !

puertoricanlady September 27, 2011 - 4:37 am

i have mixed feelings about this my fiancee is nigerian hes a wonderful man..yes both have let go of fear and show ourselfs even in our not so good moments..upset, sad, etc..we even argued before..well we come back togheter and look for positive in what we do…we dont be judging each other..if we judge sumthing is the problem not each other..we are not perfect but nobody is so we are from diferent cultures even tough we puertoricans are part african we do have sum of their belieffs still we diferent,.. i believe that if he would like a diferent person he would just go ahead and try it hes an is free..i also read sum horror abusive thins before but i know how to defend myself im no that weak..for now things are just ok..he had a girlfriend before me prettier with more money then things were rocky between them and i already met him but when we became both single( we were in similar situations)she claimed to be victimized but with timei knew her too she was too much she was the started our own thing and i had my good jobs i noticed this a point i lost it all.evryone else turned their back one me but guess who didnt?..he didnt he stood there for me all this time giving me hope..been there for me when i had nothing. thats the man i wanna marry he danced with me under the rain and he stood with me under the storm. im no writter and my laptop is a mess excuse my writing but im only sharing my toughts..thanks..(R.Garcia)

Iris September 19, 2011 - 6:23 pm


I read your very sad posting here and althou it is quite some years ago I hope you feel better these days. Divorcing a woman because she cannot cook his meals is not fair and I have the idea you got blamed for the wrong reasons. My experience with nigerian men is that they can work on making you feel guilty for nothing, make you feel all wrong for nothing. Just to keep the upper hand. I guess you invested a lot in this realtionship and came out empty handed? I hope you do feel better and learned from this experience

toria August 23, 2011 - 10:41 pm

i really enjoyed this article.because i now am interested in an nigirian man.

angela w July 23, 2011 - 5:56 pm

I agree with you. You must be yourself.

Marie May 26, 2011 - 11:24 am

I am from Kenya and currently dating a Nigerian…OK I am expecting his baby. I am teriffied, I have nightmares that he will leave me! I have a job, my own house and all but afraid of getting a baby with no daddy. Sometimes I ldont even know if he loves me…..or I love him. I am so confused…maybe its the hormones.

justme May 5, 2011 - 4:01 pm

You get what u give weather good or bad. If u got to do so much to keep a nigerian man dust your shoulders off and get a ethiopian or liberian. Its all abt the way a man treats u not what country he is from.

justme May 5, 2011 - 3:56 pm

AMEN! I’ve been married b4 and I worked so hard to get and keep him…… finally I said this ain’t me and I didn’t like the person I was trying to become. Everyone is different! True women need to knw how to cook for any race of man (men love to eat), also true that women need to remain modest to all except her man (girls that run around breast exposed and belts for a skirt leaves no adventure. He already knw what u got and so does everyone else. But if u have to act different to get a man who is he anyway? Have some standerds and love for yourself. Its when u say (forget it I dnt need a man) and start being independent that men come runnin in flocks! Be posative abt life, your situation and yourself. That lures them n.

Babs January 17, 2011 - 9:15 am

Let us not africanise or culturise women abuse and men’s selfishness, the same way we can’t culturalise racism/prejudice. All these so called men’s needs were bithed by years of women’s denigration. If you love someone, you must treat them woth care aND RESPECT…FULLSTOP.

Jenae November 4, 2010 - 2:53 am

@can’t believe it. Thank you so much for your post because I was getting extremely ticked off! I recently started dating a Nigerian man and if he is anything like the author of this article I am in my”ready-set” position to take off running.

Fiona October 27, 2010 - 9:45 pm

Im English woman. How can i win my husband back after ive done terrible thing ive done. Ive packout on him, He said thats taboo. So i said whats taboo means? he explained. I thought oh god im so sorry that was so wrong of me, im truelly sorry. He said too late n im not coming back home. He hasnt came home for almost 2 wks. God grace can anyone know how or what can i do to have my husband back in no time? I love my husband dearly. Im really respect my husband n the people of Nigeria.

DONNA33 October 22, 2010 - 3:45 pm

I just met a nigerian man he is pretty nice and Amelia I have that concern that will probably keep me from allowing this to become seriuos. I dont want to change my way of living per say. It would be nice if he could just respect you as an African American woman. As far as partign ways before doing so all i would say is to make sure that you both put in 200% making sure that you have done all you can do to make it work. And at the end of the day i willsay that if things are still not the way they either could be or should be part ways , in a mutual standing with harsh words or gestures and have a friendship and maybe over time you will you guys will learn if you need to be togther because that is what you all want and love each other that much or you jsut might be better as friends, never rush, push or force love or a level of love because it will never turn out the way you want. love should just flow.

DONNA33 October 22, 2010 - 3:39 pm

I couldn’t help but to reply to you. And the one thing that I kept saying she had a bad experience and was in love. I dont htink that it would not be a good idea to get back with him but find someone else. Heck go and get another nigerian..he’s not the only one out there. This is my first time on this site however; i would say the way it sounds they are very strong on family, love, etc etc so I dont hink that it would be a bad idea to date just another they seem to be the same type of people in most cases. But what I want to say the most is that.. you have gone out and done this and that therpy and group talks , talked with family and friends but you forgot the most important thing and person that you could go to and the one that has all th answers and that is looking down on you right now and just waiting for you to just come to him. God is your answer not man…God is the one that created you so he knows exactly who you are and therefore he knows how to heal your wounded heart and how to embrace your heart to the point that you are overwhelmed with the kind of love that you would not even need anyone else’s. I could go on and on but the one thing that i wold like for you to do is tonight turn off all the lights, music , tvs etc and sit in a very comforatble area in your home and pour out your heart to him “God” and after you pour out your heart believe that he can get you out of this mess that you ahve allowed yourself to get in. Then if you ahve not already you need to be baptized and get filled with the preciuos gift of the holy ghost. the best gift that you will ever receive. you are trying to put your hopes in am and amn can not do anything for you. now you are going to chose to continue down this dark road dont even bother with praying with God but you will or have to give it all to him. you can t worry anymore. then get back up and try life again …its a good thing…but its up to you to get back up…GET UP GIRL YOU DESERVE IT AND YES STOP TALKING ABOUT IT AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

Angel August 23, 2010 - 6:45 pm

Very much so…Tasmnianshe_devil

Angel August 23, 2010 - 6:30 pm

Please keep in mind…it’s about being a good woman and a good wife…it’s about learning, embracing and accepting the cultural differences between Africans and Americans. I have quite a few African friends as well as I am dating an African man. I have asked the men (of course before dating my King), what is it about me that seems to catch the attention of an African man (seems that I always attract them)…I was told it was my personality. I am always pleasant, with a smile on my face and I am not confrontational. They said they do not like being with someone who like to argue. They like happiness and peace in a home. Also in talking with me, they learned how special family is to me, which is also a plus. In a multi-cultural relationship, as with any relationship, there is the need for compromise. You have to learn and understand the differences. It’s not that anyone wants you to bow at their feet; old (to Americans) traditional homes are their culture. Its not that they need you to be a house wife looking like Cinderella but, they need for you to know that they are responsible and the man in the household and relationship. Learn to accept change, not be so much in defense mode, and if this is for you, you will find great happiness. I have never been as happy as I am with my Niga man. He my guidance, my protector, my king…. Just to think, I was running from him but, he was so persistent. I could have lost out on my blessing.

tasmanianshe_devil August 5, 2010 - 2:22 am

So refreshing to see something positive about nigerian men…I am engaged to the most wonderful man in the world, and his is all those things you said and more. And anyone who slams nigerian men…well you may as well slam the whole male race, because in every creed,culture and religion….there are scoundrels, and the nigerians do not hold the market on that!

Feeling Special August 27, 2009 - 2:37 pm

The comments to this piece have been most enlighten to me. I am an African American woman that has started to date a Nigerian man and after only 2.5 months I am quiet smitten with him. I have (had) some reservations about it due to the cultural differences and horror stories I have heard tale of. After our first date, I got on the Internet and started reading all these awful things about Nigerian men, and I later decided to not judge the one I am involved with according to all these derogatory stereotypes. So far he is one of the most thoughtful men I have come across in quite some time. He makes me feel like a princess all the time. I knew he was special when he asked me to move to the inside of the sidewalk so that he was closest to the traffic. He seems to listen or at least puts on a good front if he’s not. I find myself wanting to do sweet things for him that I have never done for others before. No American man I have known besides my own uncles have ever been such a gentleman. He is a man’s man and a passionate lover. For the first time I talk openly and honestly with him about everything. I know this will give us a great start. I am hopefully that he will be in my life for many seasons. We live about 50 miles apart we don’t see each other as often as we would like. I am hoping to have him teach me to make dish that he likes this weekend!

crowned one August 7, 2009 - 8:51 pm

Please tell me…how long were you two seperated, and did he say it was over? I’m dealing with the brake-up of my relationship right now and my Nigerian man said he’s no longer interested in me because of some harsh things I said during an argument over an inconsiderate thing he did. Please give me some advice on how to win him back…we both still love each other but he feels like I’m not the one for him to marry based on that “bad behavior.” We’re both Christians that attend the same church and we have so much in common it’s unreal!

dee July 5, 2009 - 7:44 am

i am dating a nigerian man and what michael is saying is true,reading this and knowing my guy help me make a decsion on what i must do.i am american and i like that,i cannot lose who i am just to gain cannot be all about embracing his way of life and forgetting one have that right but GOD .

Ebony June 29, 2009 - 3:26 am

do not part with him. Work it out. It is a cold and lonely world. God gave him to you for a reason.

abi June 14, 2009 - 6:13 pm

I hope he cheats on you like you have on his wife. What goes around comes around! KARMA and my dear there is a word for women like you!

Princessolu April 21, 2009 - 4:55 pm

Pretty Brown Eyes,

I agree with your feelings and comments and although you wrote them in 2007, that was the year that I actually married my Nigerian husband. I agree with the article and a great deal of it is Biblical. Being an Africian American women, I have learned to embrace my husband’s culture and his family. I love all that he teaches me and he’s a man full of wisdom, biblical teachings, intergity and most of all LOVE. I wouldn’t trade him for any other man because of how his love for me has captured me. Any women should want to reverence her husband if she’s a Christian and know that he is her covering. I’m just blessed to have a Yoruba husband who is patient, loving, kind, and devoted to his marriage. Don’t think it was easy capturing this man, it took time and patience, we even broke up and went our separate ways but the wait has been worth it for both of us…believe me! My advise is to have an open mind, embrace his culture, and most of all him and know that if he’s for you, it will happen…

DARA October 12, 2008 - 8:25 pm

i forgot to say ,to the whore sister who is sleeping with another woman man get a clue lady that is not kool, and to the man that is doing it find out what you are missing in your marriage,if this girl is doing you then trust me when you are not with her she is smoking someone else. your wife got the same thing she got find your head it is on top not on the bottom,get a spine. and sister that is nothing to be proud of go to your bible and ead what is said about men who sleeps with other women when they are married.

DARA October 12, 2008 - 8:20 pm

Wow!wow! ladies you don’t know what you are in for. I was married to a Nigerian for 15 years we have 2 boys, Ihe he came to America in the 70’s it is my bet he was married.I say to all of you who have a nigerian husband or boyfriend take a class in his lanuage it is a must, I learn the Yoruba lanuage, learn to cook the food , gave him sex when he wanted ,sent and paid for him to go to school, bought his clothes because we agree that I would help him and later when he finish school I would go. ladies it didn’t work. this man was not happy because i was not a nigerian woman. he worke up one morning and said i am leaving and i want my boys for my nigerian wife to raise,ha!ha! there is a nigerian man out there with a well whooped ass because I did it. he went to marry his nigerian wife and this year she left him and married another nigerian ,and brought him to the states. i say this to any woman nigerian or not men are men and when they think they can take advantage of you they will. i am happy to say my boys where raise by me and are very successful one is a Doctor here in the states and the other plays for the bulls basketball team here in Chicago. NEVER LET YOUR GAURD DOWN WATCH EVERTHING SPEAK YOUR MIND. NOT ALL IS BAD BUT THERE ARE SOME THAT ARE BAD APPLES IN THE BASKET.

kerrie fearon June 4, 2008 - 3:46 pm

Be not boastful or proud.I hope you know that HIV is rampant in the black race.Leave the woman’s husband alone, whom God has put together let no one put assunder.

Tee-Tee March 5, 2008 - 9:12 pm

Thank u Nita, I couldnt of said it better myself.

amaa January 30, 2008 - 8:41 am

to cook for him?Perfectly CORRECT. To set him free,YES but not with WINGS. Not because i will be exaclty HURT but because I FEEL INSULTED and it signify DANGER for me.A woman who is not afraid of dating my spouse will not be afraid nor ‘shaky’ in killing me if need occur.Even my so called husband is not out of the DANGER ZONE. Your article MR AUTHOR displays you kind of person.I AM VERY SORRY FOR YOU though PARTIALLY. Please,readers take note;Respect is not to Worship.The Almighty said Wife should respect their husband.(not worship) Husbands are adviced to LOVE their wifes.And BIBLE expains vividly what love is in Coruthians. HELLO MEN don’t blow your hons because this BASELESS article.Thank God for the good and wise ones out there who understands wnat marriage is all about. SPIRITUAL and PRACTICAL.

Amelia December 18, 2007 - 8:26 pm

I've been married for 4 years. I am African American and he is Nigerian. What you are saying is soo true. I talk to his cousin and she told me the same thing. I've tried cooking some of the food, changing the way I live to respect his culture. Sometimes I feel like I'm changing everything about me, which is wrong. I have a culture also that he should respect. We are thinking of parting ways. HELP!!!

Lina August 12, 2007 - 4:36 am

I can only say that I (an African-American) women wish I knew and understood this before I got married. He understood that I was not of his culture, but He also said that he knew I was trying to cook his meals. He said this for nine years, and then . .. he stoped. I still love and want him. I miss talking and laughing with him. I have tried to get over him and move on. ..I have fooled my friends into believing that I am happy and have moved on, but I can't. I have tried so hard. . . I have prayed, but it is hard. I still want him back, but I know that he wants nothing to do with me. He as moved on. I am sad that after all this years, I could not make him happy. I wish he and I could have talked it over. As I've said, I wish that I knew this before I got married. We divorced in 2005, and not a day goes by that I don't miss him. I've tried praying, therapy, group couneling, but nothing helps. I no longer talk to friends or family, because they get tired of hearing it and frankly, I get tired of talking about him. I've tried moving on and dating, but nothing helps.

When we first seperated, he wanted to be friends, but I kept crying, and telling him that we could work it out, it got to be that he no longer wanted contact with me. I have been on pills for severe clinical depression, and anxiety. I lost a job I had for 19 yers, because I coould not concentrate. I still think of him as a good person, smart, inteligent, a great sense of humor as well as always thinking about other people's feelings and their needs. I believe we had open and honest communication, but guess we did not. As I write this, tears are freely flowing, I cry most nights, but again, what is the use. I have no way of contacting him, but then again, he has moved on, probably happy married with chilren. (I could not have children).

After three years, the pain is still as severe as when he first left.

Pretty Brown Eyes August 9, 2007 - 11:24 am

For the past 3 months I have been seeing a Nigerian man who has been wonderful to me. He is the first African I have ever dated and my Mother had to encourage me to give him a chance because of stereotyping. He does a lot for and with his family which is unlike most African American males but that just proves he is dedicated to the family. I like him but some of their ways I don't know about. I refuse to leave my family but I don't have a problem learning from him or his family like cooking or culture. FORGIVENESS is a given, it's biblical. Biblically speaking in a marriage the man is the covering over the family and God is the covering over that man (if you are saved). I don't want to step out from under my covering by going against what he says nor do I want him stepping out from under God's covering by going against what God says. Busanga has written in here how to keep not just a nigerian but a lot man. Come on encourage him, lift him up because it's not like they are getting it from a great deal of sources. Cut him down, put him in his place without destroying his ego or in the presence of others. The male ego is a fragile thing and it's very hard to mend. You don't want to be corrected in front of others, so don't do it to him. Schooled in the art of manipulating his intentions is being taught to us everywhere. Suggest answers (responses) to him in a way that you haven't said it but he can't help but say it and there you have what you want. Use the art of persuasion. I like my Nigerian and want to keep him so I don't mind giving in order to get. I don't want to be alone the rest of my days nor do I want to continue in meaningless relationships.

Lati July 23, 2007 - 3:55 pm

First of all, this article is CRAP. It perpetuates all of the stereotypes that make all Nigerian guys look bad. This article contains many of the reasons why I don't really prefer marrying a Nigerian guy, even though my parents are Nigerian. The author insults female writers and feminists, yet he had no reason to do so. It just shows how Nigerian guys often insult women…

Comment #7 is probably a Nigerian chauvinist, who is saying that it is ok for men to argue their point of view in a discussion (or to argue against their wives' opinion), but it is not ok for women to do so. What gives men the right above women to speak their minds? Are we not all human beings? Maybe he’s are afraid that the woman will make a better argument than him…

I guess the author is saying that women should act like doormats and let Nigerian guys treat them like CRAP, which is EXACTLY the way it has been. “With a Nigerian man, you will be offended, wronged and still be expected to forgive.” Well, my husband will be offended and wronged, and I will expect him to forgive me too. Though, I will try my best not to hurt my spouse in any way, as long as he does the same for me.

As for the femininity part, I don't even understand what he’s trying to say. I wish the author would use better terms to explain it instead of "man wannabe". Does he consider a woman who speaks her mind, demands respect and equality in marriage, or has a “girls night out” as being un-feminine?

I agree with comments #8 through #11. Personally, I would NEVER take this kind of treatment from ANY man especially one who I call my husband. I would rather marry a non-Nigerian or even a non-African than subject myself to such DISRESPECT.

IXJALUV July 19, 2007 - 2:20 am

Ths article is right on the money. Needless to say we have lost the art of being a women to our men. I am to wed a wonderful Nigerian Man next year. Had I bought into the generalizations about Nigerian men, I would have run the other way; however at the encouragement of my mother as well as my sisters I can say that I have made the best decision. Nigerian men aim to create the balance that is important to the survival of the African family. A lesson every man and women should learn to respect an appreciate. I can make ema, egusi, suya, rice and stew, fry plantains and yam. As well as stand as a protector of the stability and foundation that is being created by my handsom, caring, detrmined Nigerian sweetheart. That is how you keep a man. Stand by and stick with him and understand what it takes before you go in. I love this site and appreciate the candid and tactful words.

david barango July 2, 2007 - 1:30 pm

the writup is so nice and need a serious attention

ronda June 27, 2007 - 1:54 am

I find this article very interesting. I say this because I am currently engaged to a nigerian man from the igbo tribe. This article teaches me what kind of woman I need to be in order to keep my nigerian husband. I really ejoyed it. Thanks

sunceray June 14, 2007 - 11:41 pm

this is a guid for women that want african man…and if you want somthing you do what it takes..thank you for helping going to try it

African Descendent May 17, 2007 - 10:36 pm

I really did not like the article because its a woman basher. It promotes African man the liberty of saying and doing whatever even if it hurts the person who loves him. Love should not hurt. If it hurts its not love. The moment you begin to hurt that a clear signal that the two or three of you according to a comment above that something is out of joint. God created man to be happy with one woman. Culture should not stop you from getting the love you want from someone. You may have to chose another wife or husband, but you should chose the one you love. A love you can feel and plan on respecting one another. Brothers and sisters let's all wake up because someday we all will have to answer to God for our wrong doings you can be sure of that! Signed ADE…

In response to Nita comment 11 May 11, 2007 - 8:39 pm

Well I see I touched on a nerve. Let me say this without insulting you because I don't need to do this. I am far from what you called me, maybe you are just unaware of somethings about the african culture. I am sure I was not the first other woman that came into his life and I can assure you I will not be the last. As I mentioned in my comment I have absolutely no interest in him leaving his wife. As for him loving me you are really not to realistic, if you think that a man can't love 2 good women. Trust me I am and she is also a good woman. I am comfortable with this right now because as I said in another article this is a mutually beneficial relationship and I know exactly what my position is and what my limits are. Sister believe it or not he is one of the few good men, he came from a very traditional african family, yoruba family that strongly urged him to marry a yoruba women he was really in love with an igbo woman but her family dowry( I probably spelled that wrong)but this is a material gift that goes to the family of the female. This gift supposed to show that he can take care of this women well anyway he couldn't and her family had her marry someone else and igbo man. Now I mention this because some africans, not that they don't love their wives, because they do but some of them if they had another chose they would do otherwise. The love that we have is very real, he has exposed his whole self to me, as well as his business which I help him with, not financially but in other ways. You see my lady everything is not as you think it is. Now I am not saying I am right but in the famous words of a song if loving him is wrong, I don't want to be right. Don't judge just don't be so naive, african men are not as easy to read as American men are. I guess this author has sparked a little bit of fire. This may sound crazy to you but if I ever hear of him talking about leaving her I would go first because he has 3 girls that are great and deserve him very much in their lives. I know you don't get this, but it takes a very mature open mind to get it. Also he knows that this is not forever and so do I, but for now his is my sweetie, my sugar, my honey, my lover by the way that also comes from a song. I still love you my american sister regardless of your harsh words.

Nita May 11, 2007 - 1:16 pm

If this is what it takes to keep an African man I beg you let him go. See, a man that knows the Almighty knows his true value. A man that knows his true value knows that God didn't give us power or control over each other but the earth. I looked at comment 10 very close and its sad. She boast about being a whore. She thinks that this man really loves her and the truth is he'll never leave his wife. I'm American and I married a Nigerian and I tried to be a tradional wife for him but no matter what I'm American. He openly dated some trash he met and he really thought that I would stay with him. Sorry I love me. I left him and to told him he should go and move in with the trash he was sleeping with. Women out there you can find a man the loves you and respects you and treat you the way God say you should be treated.

This time I will not tell May 11, 2007 - 1:17 am

Wow this article was funny to me. I love african men believe me, but this article really scared me. I can say this I can see why the african man that I am currently dating is still married to his wife, although we have a love that is out of this world. We are together all the time and sometimes I wonder why this women does not even call his phone when we are together which sometimes is from on day into the next, she is just trying to keep the peace so she can keep her african man. Anyway this man came to me not me to him we have dated openly for 2 years. I have no intentions for him to leave his wife, reading this article he has it all a women that can cook, clean, gives him his freedom, he is on top of the world. Me on the other hand he gets lots of love, good food, serious love making and he gets to keep his family wow. You quys are to complex. Well he is just in my life now for a reason not for a season. I must say though she is what your article speaks of but if I was her I surely would not take all of this.

can't believe it May 4, 2007 - 12:14 pm

please, in the name of the many nigerian men, that do not believe in being with a woman who must take crap from his family, be his personal cook and pamper his fragile male ego, please in the name of these men, do not take this article seriously. Your writing skills are good though, please use for something more productive.

uniben82 October 23, 2006 - 11:44 am

If keeping a Nigerian man is this much effort, I would say RUN to anyone who holds firmly to the notion that marriage should be a fair fifty/fifty partnership. Geeeeeeeeez!

BIGFEST October 21, 2006 - 3:53 am

Good write-up.Our women should know that a Nigerian man does not like a woman that argues with his point of view especially in the presence of people.Most Nigerian women are good at this.There is a difference between suggestion and argument.

rosie October 20, 2006 - 4:45 pm

Well, I am glad you have our best interest at heart. I intend to write a piece on how to attract and keep a good Nigerian womman. It is not that hard either…LOL

Estella October 20, 2006 - 7:56 am

Very good article indeed. LOL

Asha O. October 19, 2006 - 4:14 am

As an African-american woman engaged to a wonderful Nigerian man, I can agree on most of what was stated despite the slight difference in usage of the English language and other African cultural references. Oh, I have to go also, I think he is calling me!

Obie October 19, 2006 - 1:29 am

Yeah, Michael keep speaking the truth, bro! lol

Multioption October 18, 2006 - 11:09 am

Michael the relationship expert. A good one for the sisters.

Anonymous October 18, 2006 - 9:26 am

Good job! Educated the ladies as they need to realize that only a man can teach you the tricks of how to snag another man.

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