I am always looking for a married person who will coach me on how to find, capture and marry my soul mate, but it seems like the more people I talk to, the more confused I become. Some say “love is natural”; there is no need to work for it. Whatever is meant to be will be, but on the other hand, some people say “when you see what (who) you want, go for it (him).” Now, would someone please tell me which one of these theories actually work? Amidst all this confusion, some other people have the nerve to tell me that in order to have or find true love, I have to have an open heart; I am not allowed to decide that there is no way anything can happen between me and a certain person. Apparently, I am supposed to give everyone a fair chance. While I am trying to digest this not-so-pleasant piece of information, other people say that I have to be watchful of who I interact with. They say that it is obvious that some people are most definitely not for me. What??? So let me get this straight – I should not work for love because whatever will be will be, and I should also go for what (who) I want when I see it (him), and while I am at that, I should not be judgmental about people, but yet I should know that not everyone is for me. Hmmm, I do not know about you, but from where I’m standing, that is humanly impossible. Am I the only one having this problem? I guess the quest to find my soul mate is a personal race, huh? No rules apply. All that matters is the two people involved: my alleged soul mate and I.
The next phase of this soul mate search is recognizing and observing my “spectrum of possible soul mates.” What does this mean? I mean who is my type? My type would be an Ibo guy who is at least six years older than I am. Just by stating this fact, I have already broken the rule of giving everyone a fair chance at being my soul mate. I have cut off every guy who is less than six years older than me and is not Ibo. After determining that an Ibo guy who is at least six years older than me falls in my “spectrum of possible soul mates”, I then have to add all the little details like tall, educated, Christian, etc. With this new addition, I have also excluded all non-Ibos who are not tall, educated and Christians. Nawa o. So who is left? Well, let me mention that he has to be living in the same state as I am because I am not interested in a long distance relationship. Once again, I have cut off all Ibos who do not reside in Maryland, USA. Anything else? Did I mention that he cannot have a history of dating anyone I know? I would not want to be dating any leftovers. Yes, I know this sounds very petty, but what’s a girl to do? I know that any man I date would have a history with other ladies, but I would like to be oblivious to that fact. Once again I ask, who has been cut off and who is left? This means I cannot date Uzo because he has dated Chika (my friend’s former classmate), and this means that I also cannot date Emeka because he has expressed interest in Nkem who I do not like because she expressed interest in Obinna, the guy that I wanted to date a year ago. What about Tochukwu? I do not think he would be a good candidate since he is not tall enough. I guess that leaves Ike…but shoot! He’s not a good candidate either because I once almost dated his ex-girlfriend’s cousin. Damn! I’m almost out of names in my spectrum of possible soul mates. One more thing, he cannot be Americanized, londonized, canadanized, or any other kind of “nized” that is not Nigerian, but while not being “nized” by any other country, he cannot be “too Nigerian” either. Damn, I just kicked Ugochukwu off the list.
Wait a minute, that’s not all. I have to mention that he has to possess other qualities like loyalty (faithfulness) and honesty. He must also not be a product of “ward robe malfunction” according to my standards. This means that he cannot be spotting a gold tooth, dreads, afro, twisties, corn rows, big baggy pants that are down to his knees, blinding and unnecessary bling-bling, long white T-shirts, and of course multiple offensive tattoos. Let’s reevaluate my spectrum of possible soul mates: Chidi is off the list because of his inability to be honest at any given time; in fact the only truth from his mouth is ‘good morning’. Nnamdi is also off the list because of his “Americaness” which is expressed in his extensive use of words such as “f*ck”, “mother f*cker” and “bitch”. Ifeanyi is off the list because of the bush he is growing on his head; he calls it an “afro”. Nonso is also off the list because he seems to overly enjoy calling me a bitch. If I were a bitch, I would be with Skippy, my neighbor’s German shepherd dog. But now that I think of it, I cannot even be with Skippy because he was once involved with Chinwe’s female German Shepherd dog. I do not like Chinwe because she did not tell me she dated Obiora who I almost dated, but ended up not dating because Ego told me about their failed three-week relationship. Oh! Uche is also off the list because of the snakes on his head (which he prefers to call twisties) and the flakes that lie beneath them. I refuse to be with a man who needs more ‘Head n Shoulders’ than I do. Nawa o…my spectrum of possible soul mates is drastically decreasing; I wonder why.
I would also want to date a man who is romantic. I am skeptical about using the word “romantic”; I would rather say “thoughtful”. Of course this means that another person has been kicked off the list; this time, it’s Amaechi. Though he gave me a gift last year, he did not give me a gift two years ago, and from the current looks of things, I doubt if he will be giving me anything this year. Like any other reasonable lady, I want a childless man because I do not want to go through any baby-mama-drama, so this means that Dozie has also been kicked off because though his ex girlfriend lost the child, the point is that she was once pregnant. Whew! That was a close one; if I had not taken a closer look, I would have dated a man who almost had a baby mama. How would I have explained my situation to my peers? Last but not least, I must say that in reality, this is a very important factor to me: security. I need a man who I can be secure in and who can be secure in me. What does this mean? It means that when I go to bed at night, I do not have to be afraid that when I wake up, he would not love me anymore. It means that when he says he is hanging out with a friend, I do not have to be worried because I am secure in what we have. It means that when we have a fight (which we obviously will), I do not have to be afraid that our relationship is over. I need security. With the kind of weight that security bears in my life, I am afraid that a few more people have been kicked off: Afam, Obijiaku, Kelechi, Ugorji, Olisa, Halim, Ibekwe and Zerenjo were all kicked off because I found no trace of security in them. Afam claims he will love me as long as he does not meet someone else. Obijiaku says he wants a relationship that is free of arguments, and since I know it is impossible, I have crossed his name off. Kelechi wants me to always tell the world that he is my man. Why would I want to do that? That would ruin my chances of getting to know another man. Ugorji does not believe that it is possible for me to have male friends; he believes I must be sleeping with all of them. Olisa wants me to prove my love for him by cooking for him all the time. What does he take me for? Evidently, he has lost what is left of his mind. Halim has been kicked off the list because he takes pride in stalking me just to make sure I am not cheating. Ibekwe believes that when he says “jump”, I should ask “how high?” because he is the man, and I am the “mere woman”. What century does he think this is? Contrary to his name, Zerenjo has refused to avoid sin. In order for him to have a relationship with me, I must first prove my fertility by giving birth to a child, and not just any child, but a male child. Oh yea, they have more value in the market these days. I told him to sit down and get comfortable while I come and give him whatsoever his idiotic heart may desire. Looking down my list, there is only one person left, and that is Somto, but unfortunately he has also been kicked out because I am just not that into him. Now that I have no one else on my list, what do I do? Well, since it is often said that “the beautiful ones are yet to be born”, I will just cross my hands and wait for my Prince Charming to be born, so that he can come and sweep me off my feet.
Ok, on a serious note, how in the world does a lady go about finding her true soul mate? I see couples all the time that look so happy until they open up their mouths, and I am often in disheartening awe. If there is something I know for sure, it is that I truly do want my soul mate. I know we will have problems, and I know there are times when I would want to call it quits, but after all is said and done, I need him to still be my soul mate. In reality, there is a redundant scarcity of soul mates. There are men, but they are either taken or not good enough to be taken, so basically, if he is single, I begin to wonder why, and sure enough, there is something wrong with him. He must be one of the following: immature, a liar, a cheat, a player, an engaged man still claiming solo with his fiancée in Nigeria, an unpaid gigolo, a selfish lover or a drama-filled man (babies and baby mamas), or in worst case scenarios, he is even a combination of them all – just a bomb waiting to explode. Or are we females just too picky? Well, can you blame us? The demand for men in the market of marriage is outrageously high, yet the resources remain devastatingly low. While it is unrealistic for me to keep cutting people off my “spectrum of possible soul mates”, you must understand and acknowledge that in a sick and twisted way, that really is what we females (especially Nigerians) have to go through. We have our standards and we want to maintain them, but you know what is really ironic? In spite of all our rules and regulations, most of us still end up marrying the “wrongest” person. Why? We are hoping for a change; a change that will not come. Before we know it, we have kids for this man, and then we begin to feel trapped, but as for me, that juju will not work on me. Besides, once juju has crossed the border, it becomes deactivated…right? I sure hope so.
Marrying a Nigerian man is like buying a car from an auction. What you see is NOT what you get. What you see is a fine man who promises to give you the world and beyond; what you see is an honest and mature man who is secure in you and what you both share. What you get is a man who cannot control his sexual urges and wants sex on demand; what you get is an insecure man who panics at the mere mention of another man’s name. What you want is for him to change, and what you do not get is change. Marriage is a difficult investment, so I have to say “more grease to your elbows” to all the married folks out there. Investing in marriage is like buying a computer out of the auction; it is not guaranteed to work, there is no warranty, a return policy is non existent, a refund is most definitely out of the question, you are guaranteed that tons of viruses would be visiting you and crashing your system, the price you pay for it has nothing to do with its quality or the services it would render, hackers would definitely be accessing your computer, no company would want to insure it because they see it as a definite “liability”, and it will come with missing parts that cannot be replaced because they are off the market. So you see, if I will go through all these for the sake of marriage, do I not owe it to myself to at least marry my soul mate? Be knowledgeable that marrying my soul mate does not mean that he has all his parts; it just means that he is functioning without them.
What’s a girl like me to do? All I can do is get down on my knees and say to God “this scarcity of soul mates sef…e get as e be oh!”
106 comments
God,I love you!!
Im not even that old n sometimes i panick that Jeez maybe my list is too long
Thank gog im not the only one that sees things this way!!
BTW..Yoruba guys are nice oo!!lol
I think people worry too much, about living the American Dream. Love is Love, and if its real… you'll know it. Sometimes it takes time, to meet that special person, but I'm sure it'll happen if you allow it. And is not afraid of accepting what comes along with it. Hey- but what do I know, I'm only 16 years old?
you got to the heart of the matter girl
Life is all about taking risks. Dating someone is taking a risk. Marrying someone is taking a risk. Put your best foot forward, and you just might be glad what you get. I will not worry so much about the marriage failing, but what i can put in to prevent it from failing. It requires work, no doubt.
men u write well!That was an interesting one,altough i skipped a few places.BIG UPS!!!!
hhmm, nice article. Girl, your truth and humor compliment each other very well. Girls are not the only ones in the dilema about who the ideal soul mate should be. With the national and everything-hardships we face here in Nigeria, we can only pray that after all is said and done, and we've said "I Do",the day will never come when we'll look back and wish we'd said "I wish I never said that". Truth is fingers are not equal, and no one is perfect, but with God all things are possible. Its him who makes the best matches. As for me, I'll wait for God's own time.
you go girl, i love your article so much.its so refleshing and realistic. i think people should tried to get the humour from this rather than criticize your wonderful work.most ladies can relate to and even learn something from this.what i know is when you meet your soulmate, you will know.you will not need a pyschic to tell you and at that time nothing else would matter.keep up the good work girl.your writing style is really good and provoking
VERA!VERA!vera! HOW MANY TIMES DID i CALL YOUR NAME? haha! Vera! Vera! youve got a long way to go! Sometimes we think we know what we want and have all the answers…but we later find out when we GET what we want that it really wasnt what was good for us…remember Gabrielle in 'Desperate Housewifes?' i say youve got a long way to go becoz youre not ready for marriage…you may think you are but youre not. Sometimes God wants to remove the stones and bones from us before He brings us to that right person…for us…he might not be Mr Perfect…but he is perfect… for us! some time love comes in the most surprising packages….Korean, Hispanic, Nigerian,…short, fat whatever…all those things are irrelevant when you see true love up close and personal…God wont let you dictate to Him….just ask Him for a loving, caring, christian man after His heart …and He will give you what He knows is perfect for you….who knows he might throw in all those other quirks as well…Ibo, not dated any one you know, 6 years older in the same state etc…but dont close your heart to what he wants to give you….you could have the best husband inthe world that is from another tribe or Nationality…whats im portant is that he loves you to pieces and treats you like his queen. I would like to write to you personally to tell you my personal testimony. keep your head up Girl…and keep your eyes open…your Price Charming is not as far away as you think!
Apparently sister to be frank and keeping it real you have elimenated yourself instead of anyone else. Of course the true love of your life and soulmate is Christ Jesus first and foremost. If you focus on him then he will send you someone of your statues. Every relationship will have something and everyone in a relationship will go thru something. It is not the problem that is at hand but how you go thru and handle the problem. I will pray that you meet the soulmate that your heart desire. Also remember "He that findeth a wife findeth a good thing". May God richly bless you!!!!!
Quite fascinating, what a good read!!! I must give you kudos on your writing skills. Now about the content, I only have one advice to give; if you ever find such a man, please do me one favor and run for your dear life because he's not going to be of this world.
What can i say,you said the truth,i thought i was the only one who did reason like this,is good to know there is someone out there who reason like me, i found your article hilarious..wait a minute, do you truly no all this guys you mentioned? God definitely will hear our prayers to find our soul mate who we can cope with his excesses.
I may be american, but it is easy to relate. I have been married once. Yet I am pursued by a 25 yr old Nigerian americanized male. He claims to be a reclouse, yet I believe he is a player. He takes innitiative in speaking of marrige, yet will not talk about expectations of the relationship. My ability to be secure in him wanes with each hour. God will bless me with love because I am a woman and I deserve it.
When I came across your article "This scarcity of soul mates sef"
you blew me away with your honesty and humour. I live in Lagos and hope
to be on radio soon. I don't know how often you come home but when the
radio thing falls into place, it'd be a huge honour to have you on-air.
Warmest regards and all the best in this all too familiar search for
love. – Lowo Oaltokun, GRA, Ikeja, Lagos (totallylowo@yahoo.com)
I loved your take on the marriage issue. However, I think you are being too rough on the guys. I'm Nigerian, have lived in Canada for about a decade and I'm engaged to a Nigerian to be married later this year. My bride recently moved back to Nigeria and I'll be joining her later this year. I am presently in Canada alone and I am absolutely faithful…not because i don't get tempted, but because I'll be devasted if she did the same to me. Brighten up…things are going to get better. Goodluck.
NA WHAO'There is no perfect soulmate.Marriage is the best investment that has the highest risk.YOU will remain unmarried when you are too selective and wrongly believes in perfection.Afterall,"na when dog fall for dog,the fight dey sweet"That is how a marriage should be.
Yes so, when we keep listening to people, we get confused, like she said….. bend down on your knees, (but u could be on the bed) and ask tel God, e get as e be ooo.
i've gone trough your works and to be sincere you great. and i will be expecting more of your write ups to be published in our national dailies right here in nigeria.
God bless you.
The problem here is that the bad ones make the good look faked.the good ones are still there if you can look very well i think you can still get.
What Vera has done with this article is called 'cable-burning',how dare you say marrying a Nigerian man is like buying a car from an auction…naija men aren'tfake,there was too generalisation.Tell us Vera,what qualities are you bringing to the table? i hope you won't be writing this kind of stuff at 40
Loved it, very funny, but might your expections be too high? i don't know how old you are, but i find that the longer you stand on the marrige block, the easier it is for you to look past the littel things like… him dating or almost dating some one you know, (best friend or a family member are different.)
Dear Vera,
Hello and how are you? I enjoyed your article very much. I am from Kenya and I am married to a Nigerian. I am in the process of putting together a magazine that will hopefully be printed and published in Jan 2007. One of the segments in the magazine is Single Speak and I think your article would be perfect for that segment in the coming issue. With your permission I would like to publish this story as is in my upcoming magazine. Please get back to me with an answer. Sincerely
angela wanyandeh ogbolu
email angelawanyandeh@msn.com
Sounds like you'd send a direct application to God with your list.
It's kind of too one-sided. Didn't ever get to mention how many good bachelors are having these same problems with finding the right woman. You sound too pro-feminine that you loose the realities of the imperfections that make up humans. But I like your style anyway.
Don't mean to sound too religious but to be honest with you, it's only by both parties having a very strong inclination to God that their relationship can be guaranteed to work smoothly. And I am not talking about fanatical church or mosque goers. I am referring to a man and a woman who have some element of fear and respect for God – These guarantees guilt and conscience when it comes to choices and decisions on issues.
My grand mother always said, "It's better for a bad man to marry a good woman than for a good man to marry a bad woman". Never got to really understand it till I became a man and saw the influence a woman can wield on a man's attitude and thinking.
In God we keep trusting.
Rgds,
Nerry
(8 5 14 18 25)
i think it is a wonderful article and you have said it all at the end, just go down on your knees and and call out to God, he is the giver of all good things.
Vera I must say, this is an excellent piece.However, I wonder why you chose to stick to only Ibo men in this time and age.I would refrain from branding a witty,coordinated and cerebrally-unchallenged girl/lady like you as being tribally-biased or better still racially-constrained ( since you're US based) in your choice of a soul mate.How dare you reel out names of "Igbo bobos dem" like that and sentence them to the prison of "unqualified suitors" when they're the one to make the advances,check you out,sound you and if cool with what they saw,then eventually propose.So the aces are up their sleeves you know cos it's up to you to package yourself in and out, and your ultimate decision is actually a response or reaction to the original decision made by the potential suitor.Now you see the nuances so you'll realise how tricky this soul mate thing can be.One last thing, did you ever ask what the specs the guys in the picture wanted and do you think all Ibo guys are like the typical almata at Upper Iweka in Onitsha or the roudy Ariara in Aba? Just a free one…if you think you're a Proverbs 31 woman (see below) then do not hesitate to apply in person since I 'd readily vouchsafe to help out!
Hi
I seem to be an incurable idealist and having studied Mike Murdock's book and teaching on " Proverbs 31 Woman", I wasn't all together delivered from my idealist world. A few months ago, (here in Abuja), I went for a prayer walk at the cool of the evening. I told God what my heart desires were as regards a family and what kinda a suitable help mate I "feel" I need. Chances are that God may have "laughed" as he read thro my list which I couched into my journal that evening wondering where on earth I would find such an "ideal woman" cos " all have sinned and come short of the glory of God" including me. In short, I seem to have too many faults that am wary of yet, my idealism and optimism yeilded no grounds.
What do you think, Am I not on a roller-coaster ride to fantasy world which is locked up somewhere in the unrealistic segment of the mind of a dreamer ? Let's get talking so this idealism doesn't leave me wonded at the end of the day.Can I be cured of this "illusion?"
Here we go… now behold ;
MY PROVERBS 31 WOMAN!
Spiritual Qualities
one who has had an encounter with God
kingdom-minded and a disciple of Christ
purpose-driven and destiny conscious
submitted to Gods perfect will( Eph 1:11)
committed to the principles of Gods Word
sensitive to the Holy Spirit and treasures Gods presence deeply
touched by the burden of others; an intercessor
ready to give, or give up self for the sake of the kingdom
not religious or church-conscious or oriented
an interest in missions and support of missionaries
chaste and pure in heart; innocent of evil, childlike with high moral standards
Physical Qualities
beautiful, attractive and pleasant to behold
a complexion aesthetically complimentary of mine
a height (not too tall or short) to compliment mine
committed to a lifestyle of good diet and exercise
trendy but modest in appearance
Intellectual Qualities
intelligent,witty,full of wisdom; a visionary
a lover of books;knowledgeable,broadminded;not opinionated
an interest in the arts,sports,world affairs and global events
intellectually sound and appreciative of academic issues
committed to personality growth and development
tolerant of those not so intellectually sound
Social Qualities
people oriented,others-centred,friendly, amiable and tolerant
not haughty, class conscious but genuinely humble
respects, appreciates and accepts my background, family and friends
an empathic listener and sensitive to the needs of others
good conversationalist, with good IPC (people) skills and sense of homour
not deceptive; sincere,honest,frankly expressive and real
romantic, passionate and ready to receive and return/receive love
not too self-conscious; with good sense of self-esteem
a concern for social issues and needs of disparaged children/women
family oriented, with a large heart to keep a home.
Hope to hear from you.
Cheers
……………………………
Felix Abrahams Chukwudi Obi
Programs officer,health sector
Japan International Cooperation Agency
AP Plaza,Wuse 2, ABUJA NIGERIA.
email:halal3k@yahoo.com,obifelix@gmail.com
tel:234 80 3318 7876
Quite a predicament u are in.All i can say is no pain.no gain.Loving someone is a risk we all have to take.It might not always work out but one thing u should know is there will always be someone out there ready to help u appreciate life again just when u thinl all is overr.
your article has made an impression.but somewhere out there there is a soulmate for every one of us so dont give up the search.
you go girl; i'm dating anigerian right now and you hit so many points; but i don't play the fool and he knows it !!!! Idon't have to have sex with him to prove myself; I told him he will take a lie dtector test when we get married this year or I'm gone …Ihave money and I'm a citizen.So to all Ibo men watch out …that culture stuff isn't fooling women anymore.
how about a white guy? <wink wink>
Fantastic ending! Would have given you a 5 but the story/idea did seem a bit irrational but …
i really enjoy the realityof this article the seriousness with a not so serious humor. keep your head to the sky…
I found this an excellent read.
Nice Article, and you write pretty well. I also feel your dilemma but I am yourba so that cuts me off your list from the get go.
I love this article. I never write on these columns but just had to.
Ma
Read your article today 09-11-05, in Lagos Nigeria.Interesting.Actually good men are scarce.Pls limit your criteria and you will find out that "they are many".
Gbadebo Reuben, 21st Century Technologies.
Simple and straight to the truth from a woman's perspective. A clear picture of the contradictions an African woman has to face when not early married! Impressive and hilarious – couldn't be better expressed.
Because the author is just crazy and is in the league of 9ja girls here in America that has arm twisted themselves in to being single. After testing shallow waters of whites and randy men all over town she now feels an average 9ja man….Ibo for that matter will stoop low to lick her a Keep searching vera cos u may never find unless we seek u out. I dare u.
kc MN USA
Though funny but I really think you're confuse.
Ko easy rarao! When I was in my teens an elderly lady friend of mine told me that her husband's generation (born around 30s) was the last generation of good husbands. She advised me to close my eyes and marry any reasonable man. I could not fanthom it. Now in my 40s I am yet to see my taste in a man. Those I rejected married other ladies and they are living together. Don't ask me if happily because I know no happiness myself. You know what time is running out and I am still undecided. Baby You are not alone. Don't ever consider importation because it is investiment in furtility. Maybe you should try other Nationalities at least as long as you are in America your marriage appears to hold. Don't even be bothered when his family marries a daughter of their soil for him afterall all he has are American wife and children who will not want to leave America. Well the search continues. From Matilda.
Truth with a dose of humour. I have to say this is one of the best articles I have read on this topic. Funny but with a ring of truth to every one of the sentences. Believe me there are many of us going through the same lists. Keep up the good work.
witty blissfully on the mark. i enjoy ur write up vera.for some1 who seem to av bin born and brread on spagetti and cheese……ur writing reflects so much root. keep it up
It seems as if men are the only problem in this world. The only terror every other creatures have to be afraid of.Never up to no good and most importantly they were not born by women. An irony I'm still trying to figure out. I wonder how the article will look like if you were a man. Thank you.
IT WAS AN AMAZING PIECE PACKED WITH WIT AND SUPRISING INSIGHT MY LITTLE COUSIN HAS GROWN UP MUCH I AM SO PROUD IKE EZIMORA
Vera- This is an interesting piece and I admire your wits in this and other posts!(y)
To those who always feel the need to defend their personal insecurities about the any writer's exposures or the norm (AND perhaps to some extent perspectives) I would say why not challenge yourselves to submitting like applaudible articles instead of constantly writing one-liner-annoyingly-unedifying-senseless comments.
Just my 0.01p contribution 🙂
Comment 52
Vera check your e-mail address that has the word pookie. I am looking forward to reading from you.
Godwin
i say it is poor not because i am a nigerian but certainly because you sounded impossible.
i think what you want is mr impossible.
you have to make things work in a relationship it is a mutual thing
listen i am a nigerian and i told God oneday that if i met the next woman i would love her to the end no matter what i faced.
i did just that and guess what this very sweet lady became what and who i couldn't understand anymore.
she said i was just too perfect and too good to be true and in all she messed up.
other ladies say it was because the first was the best and she messed up because she probably thot she would get another since this one came easy.
other close friends of ours envied the relationship so much and called it a fairy tale relationship until one day she said she was tired of it. what do you think about that
only for her to call me some midnights crying on the phone without saying a word
waoh….so funny. i really enjoyed your article.wat a creative writing.
first off all these people with gushing comments about your article must be very easily imppressed because to me you come across as a person who is towing the line between 'greed' and 'caution' very ostensibly. Make up your mind and tell us what side of the fence you are sitting on. You either want to be very greedy or very cautious. dont try and combine the two because you will only end up mentally cluttered. you got wayyyyyyy too manyyyy demandss and yet you are in a situation of abject 'marital nonentity' You better wake up and smell the coffee before you turn 35 without a man that is if you are not already 35 because as they say one you get past 35 child birth becomes more complicated and risky. on that note adios amigo
She visited the inner recesses of my mind and read my problem as a struggling single lady and put them on the web!
Cant believe it
This article was so funny. I'm English and white and my Ibo boyfriend has just proposed. I never imagined myself marrying an African man but he is perfect for me even though he didn't fit my specification of a soul-mate. If marrying a Nigerian man is like buying a car from an auction I'm getting a Ferrari he's the most amazing man I've ever met (and what I see is what I get because believe me I've had to deal with all the problems of dating a Nigerian). You're asking too much you can find love in places you'd never expect it.
Excellent article Vera. You left me cracking up on my chair. I am also looking for mister right so you are not alone. You also have excellent writing skills and a lot of humour. Though your article was lengthy I read everything to the end because it was fun reading. I give you the tumbs up. You should consider journalism because of your excellent writing skills seriously. I know that nursing is now the hot career here in the States but go for something that you are really good at and passionate about. Again thank you for such an insightful article. Keep it up!
I enjoyed your comment I am an African not Nigerian and i am horribly interested in a Nigerian man who like me is playing hard to get. It's extremely hard to find a soul mate. I think a soul mate is the mate you choose who captures your soul!!!!
extremeley funny but ironically true
it was a really good piece considering the fact that it's exactly about what happens today. But women pa pa you put too much blame on men. i think you should look inward and see what is missing. Not saying men dont hahve their faults especially those abroad. good luck
Thank u all so so so so so so much 4 ur compliments oh! I can't believe i'm still getting comments. You make me feel so special. I'm wondering if there is a way to get in touch with the author of comment 52 Just pondering…. 😀
All i can say is keep praying Vera and keep your standards high. He is out there and he also thinks he has a biological clock ticking. Dont be too shy to spread the word that you are available afterall stating so does not demean you by any means and hey whats more..keep attending those weddings conventions and other gatherings cos you never know where he might show up…..
And all these coming from a guy who also believes there truly is a soulmate out there…one who would understand him "as is"…….one who gets into the fetal position every now and again on the bed and asks: Chineke…Imu nkwa anya…Nke du ebe ezigbo nwanyi ano…….searching! Endless though the search may be and yet this soulmate searcher must hold onto that thin thread with the ultimate belief that "this too shall come to pass"……..Vera one of these days we may just have to get together and compare notes cos for all you know we may well be soulmates…..
Dear Vera
The views you have vividly espressed in your write up are a catalogue of thoughts that is constantly running in the minds of most Nigerian single women. You are not alone in this situation.
While i consider it very important for a woman to set a benchmark in terms of character and attitude for her potential husband to insist that your man must come from a certain ethnic group while you are far flung from the geographical location of such an ethnic group amounts to shrinking your opportunities. Love is where you find it
Worse still you claimed in your write up that your would be husband should preferably live in the same state where you are domiciled. My deduction on this is that you did not factor in the mindset of an average Nigerian man or you have not made any effort to phsycoanalyse the ways of men in your numerous thoughts
Nigerian man may kiss and tell to boost his ego especially about a lady he is not ready to make any commitment to. Sometimes it may be a ploy to discourage men who may be interested in the lady perhaps he may not have had enough of her.Other dicussants may have information about other dates the lady has had. This info sharing attitude has been the bane of so many relationships that would have led to some commitment.
However the very solution to this problem is what you have expressely stated may not be acceptable to you. A man who lives in another state may be attending a social function in the state where you are domiciled. Lets create a scenario where you are present at such a function and one of the attendees fell head over heel in love with you besides that he fits your bill and he is not afraid to make commitment above all guys with local dating database information do not have access to him or have his ears so to speak. In this situation what will you do foresake the positive development because you do not want to move
Not a few ladies that i know has be hooked up in a scenario similar to the foregoing. Where you are lucky to find a suitable man in your local area you may be suprise that your man may want to ecourage you to subscribe to the idea of moving to a new location on account of the fact that he wants to forestall any kind of contact beteen you and your former date.Most men believe that a territory anybody has passed through before can always be trespassed with little effort. Men has asked would be wives to change jobs on account of this fear especially if he has information to the effect that his wife was going out with a colleague.
The amusing part of the saga of Nigerian single ladies in the USA is the fact that just as she rates men based on her catalogue of stringent conditons so do the Nigerian single men evaluate Nigerian women based on some attribute that may be hard to come by in many due to American influence and marrige laws
My opinion in this matter Vera is; scale down your requirements and conditions. Do not go out of your way to look for a husband go out of your way to look for a boyfriend with the attributes of a gentleman i am sure you will find a suitable husband in the process. Note well that it is not every gentleman that you meet that would be intrested in marriage. If you find out he is not interested in marriage remain in the relationship until you find somebody suitable and ready. That is better than changing men every now and again because of desperation
I wish you goodluck and your heart desires
Best regard
Godwin
the concept was alright just that the story was too long didnt get to read the whole thing but i'd do that soon. anways i really cant say i dont believe in all those soul mate stuff but i think things like that dont really happen often so wheneva one finds love one should try at all cost to keep it IF it wont harm the individual.
Vera
Very funny commentary. It is the same every where mah sister. In Detroit where I live at the moment the dating pool is so small that it is very contaminated. Every one I know has dated everyone else. It is so bad that I can't go to Nigerian parties anymore. Too much bad blood. You asked a valid question – What is a girl to do
vera good to read ur article.one thing i want u to know is eat there are goog guys out there no matter what u think.I woul d like to know u betterperhapa………the name is TJ
I thoroughly enjoyed your article and girl I don't think you should lower your standards ( well maybe the one about not dating exes of acquaintances) While waiting for Mr Rite love and pamper yourself try to be happy and pray.
Well if I may ask what do you want in a man A perfect man without blemish someone that is inpeccable rich soft caring gives you economic time if I have to tell you the truth hardly will you find a perfect man the type of man you are looking for in this world even if you find one he must be pretending to be and his pretence will definitely wear out in no time at all so you have to make do with what is available and try to pick a man you can tolerates some aspect of his behaviour that you dont like there is no one thats is perfect also you need to search yourself maybe you are to much of a perfectionist and a lot of people dont feel comfortable with such if you are looking for 'a perfect man ' then pray God to send you an angel.
Lakush
the writeup was quite funny and at the same time realisticthese questions and many more plague most females and also males too.U would be surprised at the number of males that avoid relationships cos they've been burnt once too many.but thinking like the female that i amam actually scared of that word MARRIAGE why cos its a for life thingonce u're in no jumpping out.my advice is for everybody to keep on praying and u will surely get that right man one day.
A very interesting article with a good sense of humour. I think it portrays my thoughts exactly. And as one gets older the standards get lower the age gap gets smaller. The men get shorter balder fatter and tend to carry more baggage from the past. They too will be thinking why is a beautiful woman not married at this age. Should have taken my chances when I had them but now no point crying over spilt milk. Like many comments before me I am on my knees to God! Cheers – Omo.
Well 1st of all i have to admit you catch ones attention with your writing stlye but…The question your asking i don't believe takes that much thought. First things first you gotta to re-priorites. What is most important to you Are you sure that should be the most important thing to you And then do you need to be married right now or can it waitAre you just doing it cos or peer or even worse your family's pressure And the most important thing of all. PUT IT IN PRAYER AND ASK HIS ADVICE…BE SURE YOU ARE READY FOR THE ANSWER THOUGH.
Funny article. I wanted a tall Christian igbo gal that lived in Texas with me (No LD).I got a shorter Yoruba that lived in Chicago ( serious LD!!) I have never been happier.. God is a comedian.
Oh my goodness vera is so witty and funny- i cannot stop laughing at her jokes. i honestly will like to met her- the reason i write but not this funny and direct. i honestly enjoyed reading her article and her english is so polished and clean. Keep it up girl. I too like Vera am a Nigerian and resides in Illinois- it would be wonderful to colaborate with Vera for a movie- I am working on one. Cheers- reply at botobo1@yahoo.com
very realistic
Stop looking for your soulmate. It is more likely than not that if you found him, you passed him by. I don't know what it is like to marry a Nigerian man, but one only buys a car from an auction to sell it with a profit (remember that). As for buying cars (men), rent-to-own is always best. If you don't like it after the lease agreement is up, you can always send it back. Good luck to you!
Writer expressed the topic beautifully! Bravo. I am a single nigerian gal living in MD and I totally relate to what she is saying. I also love the humourous way she expressed a very real predicament! Again, Bravo.
This was hilarious! I totally feel you! But I didn't rate it a 5 because it was too long… and you should consider the one who wants you to tell the world that he is your man… Kelechi? Becausee, chances are, he'll tell the world you're his woman. Why would you be looking for another man if you were with him anyway?
Well-written article incorporating humour, cynicism and truth. You've written an article which should provide women (especially Nigerian women) food for thought.
Personally, I think we should try to keep an open mind. As a good friend said to me recently, we all come in different packages.
Good luck to everyone searching for a soulmate. I think very few find theirs, get married and live happily ever after.
You're a very creative and entertaining writer. Make sure keep developing this talent. I wonder why you're studying nurning given that it "drains life out of you".
It is good entertainment. The bottom line is for girls to be very careful in their choice of men and above all for God's guidance.
Well written but I gotta tell you to give the non-Igbo men a chance!!
Anne
its okay, this women wahala ..e get as e be oh!…obinna
i loved this article. thanks girl, for speaking out what really going on in every "of age" Nigerian woman's head about our choices of the opposite sex. Nawa o for real!
Did you say you were in MD? Whereabouts?
Gotta find ya !
Gotta Marry ya!!
wow,u really can write a funny article, am all laughs. well, i think this is just cool. bayo.
Absolutely brilliantly written! Folks, this girl has a bright future in writing satire!!!
This is an excellent article.Truth with humour is always a great combination. I especially enjoyed the last paragraph. I guess becuase I personally feel trapped.
miss perfect,
what more can i say that has not been captured in the commments people sent you.You seriously and desperately need to be delivered from the evil spirit of confusion and immaturity that is presently your lots-pls pray well for God to surprise u with your own bone-of-your-bone.
Marrying a Nigerian Christian Male is the best.
Nigerian single ladies are terrible liars on line and I recently had a horrifying experience in on line dating. She lied!
I enjoyed the article tremendously – it was insightful and humorous. It seems others have misinterpreted it and missed the tongue-in-cheek elements. Looking forward to your future offerings.
Interesting but when you narrow down to just an Igbo man, your bias is the subtle foundation of your problems. Nigerians expect Americans/Europeans to marry them for papers, love, whatever, but yet, we are picky about marrrying people of our tribe only. Where is the open mind. Sad, sad. You perpetuate internal racism. Think about it.
At the end of the day finding ur soulmate is a personal quest. Nkechis experience would be different from Ada’s experience, would be diff from ur mums experience etc. There is no formula in the game of luv. Everyone should be true to themselves, figure out what works for them and forge ahead trusting God. Also, sometimes what may be our formula today may need to be readjusted tomorrow. Its good to be wise and reevaluate our wants and desires periodically.
No compromising when it comes to finding a soul mate. However, we have to know the main qualities we want in a partner and prioritize it good/bad. As you meet someone be true to yourself, look at your list of priorites and ask your self, can I leave with this? and look at where it lies on your list of priorites. There is no perfect person, be true to yourself, choose happiness over being trapped. Great article Vera.
My guess is that problems are mostly with men. It seems women are trouble free.
Thank you so so much for your replies! This is for Tolu, Nonye, and Chidi. You know I did not even know that the coordinator of this site posted my article. I am new here, so I really don’t know much yet. i was playing with google when I realised that this article came up under my name and this site. that’s when I clicked on it and saw the wonderful responses. Nonye, I love your name…mainly because I have the same name, haha.
Wow, so comical and out of the ordinary. I enjoyed reading it. “Marrying a Nigerian man is like buying a car from an auction”
That is real… you are not insincere on that.
Good article. It would appear that you may need to lower the pass mark for this soul mate to appear.
I ENJOYED READING UR ARTICLE.IT WAS COOL,WITTY, FUNNY,AND JUST DARN GOOD.THE SENTIMENTS U EXPRESSED ARE MINE EXACTLY.KEEP IT UP!
Your article is more or less like a joke but on a serious note now, I would have suggest u try an date God but what a pitty God is not a tribalistic man so as the comment #25 rightly put it "stay single" an take your own soul as your soulmate…..lol
stay single..then…
Your comment was: very nice article, good job!!!! the thing is yes you are right but at the same time you are wrong. everyone has some kinda flaw about them, you do too. you just have to overlook it and cover it with their good qualities. i'm sure the only reason you wrote this is because you have been hurt, but you have to forgive and forget. if you do not stop being picky, honey you will never find that soul mate of yours. i'm a lady too and i'm telling you the truth. good luck with finding mr. right.
The bible say's a MAN who find a wife, finds a good thing. You are not a man. You are asking for a lot, what do you have to offer besides what you don't want. You appear to be dominant. An Ibo man will not allow you or any woman to dictate. You are opening youself up for a man to deceive you. Seek ye the kingdom of god, you know the rest.
Vera dear, You did give us a good piece. It was nice by any standards. Unfortunately, you allowed certain emotions dwarf a certain inner beauty of the thoughtline. Are all Nigerian men that bad? No. While i must quickly agree that the problem is one caused by both gender, i want you to consider this scenario. Deji met Moji while they were in their final year in School. Two/Three years later, while Moji had picked up a job in a new generation bank, Deji was still struggling with the harsh realities of unemployment.The fact that he was a prize winning mechanical engineering graduate with strong IT skills made it even more hurting. Deji attended all the interviews for shell, exxonmobil, etc…in one frustrating night, he caught Moji red handed in a sordid cheating game. A male banker colleague in another bank had spent the night in her place. Six and a half months later, Deji was called to the US as international staff for Schlumberger. He has since left Schlumberger for ExxonMobil….but on the night of his departure, i saw in his eyes that a man can really love and treasure a woman to the end. Inspite of her failures, he kept wondering why she couldn't just hold on for a little bit more. Who do you blame her? For those of you in the US, the challenges are a bit more complicating. All the same, i always believe that a woman has the ability to bring out the best in a man. thats the simple truth. Except she has no value.
Because it so captures the essence of what a woman must consider prior to picking a man to date…this was funny especially about dating the German Shepherd if she was a bitch- stick to your guns and do not listen to these people because you have to live with your choice not them even if you are not Miss Virginia – who wants to be Miss Virginia anyway (smile)
I found it interesting b/c I'm an American woman w/ Nigerian godparents who felt I would rather marry a nigerian man b/c of their commitment to family and marriage, something I find much lacking in my own American culture.You give me a further insight into the culture. The article was real. Now imagine my dilemma, an black American woman wedded to finding her soulmate in a Nigerian man, preferrably Igbo who has to be all the things you said–and I have the fact that I'm American going against me.
Ma ma ma ma your article is so thought provoking!
A very good article. That plight suprisingly is not exclusive to you ladies alone.
Vera thats an interesting article but I think you’ve gotten things all wrong as you’ve only succeeded in creating more problems for yourself.Why don’t you try working on yourself first then you’ll learn to appreciate human imperfection.It seems you’re looking for Mr. Perfect when you’re not Miss Virginia.
The article is ok but i think you’re making things unecessarily difficult for yourself. What’s the guarantee that when you eventually find this awesome soul mate that he’ll like you at all? I hope you are all the things you are expecting.
Nice article, I can totally relate. I’m just as picky as you are and currently just as single. However, in God’s will will be done in your life in his time and his time only.
this is a lovely article..its like a model of what i want in a man…my friends call it selection criteria when looking for a soul-mate….Good guys are so hard to get…where are the likes of the men that married my Mama….
Remember as you search for your soul mate your soul mate also searches for you, how do you then know if you meet him, or have you already? without knowing. The decision still is, 100% yours irrespective of the characteristics and features you look for.
The game is yours, yes ! you set the rules !
Very funny article. I hope that you are not really that picky in life! ha ha, if you are, my condolences to you in advance. Love comes in due time. I’m married but I am not expecting failure. It is work and something worth having is worth working for.