I am always looking for a married person who will coach me on how to find, capture and marry my soul mate, but it seems like the more people I talk to, the more confused I become. Some say “love is natural”; there is no need to work for it. Whatever is meant to be will be, but on the other hand, some people say “when you see what (who) you want, go for it (him).” Now, would someone please tell me which one of these theories actually work? Amidst all this confusion, some other people have the nerve to tell me that in order to have or find true love, I have to have an open heart; I am not allowed to decide that there is no way anything can happen between me and a certain person. Apparently, I am supposed to give everyone a fair chance. While I am trying to digest this not-so-pleasant piece of information, other people say that I have to be watchful of who I interact with. They say that it is obvious that some people are most definitely not for me. What??? So let me get this straight – I should not work for love because whatever will be will be, and I should also go for what (who) I want when I see it (him), and while I am at that, I should not be judgmental about people, but yet I should know that not everyone is for me. Hmmm, I do not know about you, but from where I’m standing, that is humanly impossible. Am I the only one having this problem? I guess the quest to find my soul mate is a personal race, huh? No rules apply. All that matters is the two people involved: my alleged soul mate and I.
The next phase of this soul mate search is recognizing and observing my “spectrum of possible soul mates.” What does this mean? I mean who is my type? My type would be an Ibo guy who is at least six years older than I am. Just by stating this fact, I have already broken the rule of giving everyone a fair chance at being my soul mate. I have cut off every guy who is less than six years older than me and is not Ibo. After determining that an Ibo guy who is at least six years older than me falls in my “spectrum of possible soul mates”, I then have to add all the little details like tall, educated, Christian, etc. With this new addition, I have also excluded all non-Ibos who are not tall, educated and Christians. Nawa o. So who is left? Well, let me mention that he has to be living in the same state as I am because I am not interested in a long distance relationship. Once again, I have cut off all Ibos who do not reside in Maryland, USA. Anything else? Did I mention that he cannot have a history of dating anyone I know? I would not want to be dating any leftovers. Yes, I know this sounds very petty, but what’s a girl to do? I know that any man I date would have a history with other ladies, but I would like to be oblivious to that fact. Once again I ask, who has been cut off and who is left? This means I cannot date Uzo because he has dated Chika (my friend’s former classmate), and this means that I also cannot date Emeka because he has expressed interest in Nkem who I do not like because she expressed interest in Obinna, the guy that I wanted to date a year ago. What about Tochukwu? I do not think he would be a good candidate since he is not tall enough. I guess that leaves Ike…but shoot! He’s not a good candidate either because I once almost dated his ex-girlfriend’s cousin. Damn! I’m almost out of names in my spectrum of possible soul mates. One more thing, he cannot be Americanized, londonized, canadanized, or any other kind of “nized” that is not Nigerian, but while not being “nized” by any other country, he cannot be “too Nigerian” either. Damn, I just kicked Ugochukwu off the list.
Wait a minute, that’s not all. I have to mention that he has to possess other qualities like loyalty (faithfulness) and honesty. He must also not be a product of “ward robe malfunction” according to my standards. This means that he cannot be spotting a gold tooth, dreads, afro, twisties, corn rows, big baggy pants that are down to his knees, blinding and unnecessary bling-bling, long white T-shirts, and of course multiple offensive tattoos. Let’s reevaluate my spectrum of possible soul mates: Chidi is off the list because of his inability to be honest at any given time; in fact the only truth from his mouth is ‘good morning’. Nnamdi is also off the list because of his “Americaness” which is expressed in his extensive use of words such as “f*ck”, “mother f*cker” and “bitch”. Ifeanyi is off the list because of the bush he is growing on his head; he calls it an “afro”. Nonso is also off the list because he seems to overly enjoy calling me a bitch. If I were a bitch, I would be with Skippy, my neighbor’s German shepherd dog. But now that I think of it, I cannot even be with Skippy because he was once involved with Chinwe’s female German Shepherd dog. I do not like Chinwe because she did not tell me she dated Obiora who I almost dated, but ended up not dating because Ego told me about their failed three-week relationship. Oh! Uche is also off the list because of the snakes on his head (which he prefers to call twisties) and the flakes that lie beneath them. I refuse to be with a man who needs more ‘Head n Shoulders’ than I do. Nawa o…my spectrum of possible soul mates is drastically decreasing; I wonder why.
I would also want to date a man who is romantic. I am skeptical about using the word “romantic”; I would rather say “thoughtful”. Of course this means that another person has been kicked off the list; this time, it’s Amaechi. Though he gave me a gift last year, he did not give me a gift two years ago, and from the current looks of things, I doubt if he will be giving me anything this year. Like any other reasonable lady, I want a childless man because I do not want to go through any baby-mama-drama, so this means that Dozie has also been kicked off because though his ex girlfriend lost the child, the point is that she was once pregnant. Whew! That was a close one; if I had not taken a closer look, I would have dated a man who almost had a baby mama. How would I have explained my situation to my peers? Last but not least, I must say that in reality, this is a very important factor to me: security. I need a man who I can be secure in and who can be secure in me. What does this mean? It means that when I go to bed at night, I do not have to be afraid that when I wake up, he would not love me anymore. It means that when he says he is hanging out with a friend, I do not have to be worried because I am secure in what we have. It means that when we have a fight (which we obviously will), I do not have to be afraid that our relationship is over. I need security. With the kind of weight that security bears in my life, I am afraid that a few more people have been kicked off: Afam, Obijiaku, Kelechi, Ugorji, Olisa, Halim, Ibekwe and Zerenjo were all kicked off because I found no trace of security in them. Afam claims he will love me as long as he does not meet someone else. Obijiaku says he wants a relationship that is free of arguments, and since I know it is impossible, I have crossed his name off. Kelechi wants me to always tell the world that he is my man. Why would I want to do that? That would ruin my chances of getting to know another man. Ugorji does not believe that it is possible for me to have male friends; he believes I must be sleeping with all of them. Olisa wants me to prove my love for him by cooking for him all the time. What does he take me for? Evidently, he has lost what is left of his mind. Halim has been kicked off the list because he takes pride in stalking me just to make sure I am not cheating. Ibekwe believes that when he says “jump”, I should ask “how high?” because he is the man, and I am the “mere woman”. What century does he think this is? Contrary to his name, Zerenjo has refused to avoid sin. In order for him to have a relationship with me, I must first prove my fertility by giving birth to a child, and not just any child, but a male child. Oh yea, they have more value in the market these days. I told him to sit down and get comfortable while I come and give him whatsoever his idiotic heart may desire. Looking down my list, there is only one person left, and that is Somto, but unfortunately he has also been kicked out because I am just not that into him. Now that I have no one else on my list, what do I do? Well, since it is often said that “the beautiful ones are yet to be born”, I will just cross my hands and wait for my Prince Charming to be born, so that he can come and sweep me off my feet.
Ok, on a serious note, how in the world does a lady go about finding her true soul mate? I see couples all the time that look so happy until they open up their mouths, and I am often in disheartening awe. If there is something I know for sure, it is that I truly do want my soul mate. I know we will have problems, and I know there are times when I would want to call it quits, but after all is said and done, I need him to still be my soul mate. In reality, there is a redundant scarcity of soul mates. There are men, but they are either taken or not good enough to be taken, so basically, if he is single, I begin to wonder why, and sure enough, there is something wrong with him. He must be one of the following: immature, a liar, a cheat, a player, an engaged man still claiming solo with his fiancée in Nigeria, an unpaid gigolo, a selfish lover or a drama-filled man (babies and baby mamas), or in worst case scenarios, he is even a combination of them all – just a bomb waiting to explode. Or are we females just too picky? Well, can you blame us? The demand for men in the market of marriage is outrageously high, yet the resources remain devastatingly low. While it is unrealistic for me to keep cutting people off my “spectrum of possible soul mates”, you must understand and acknowledge that in a sick and twisted way, that really is what we females (especially Nigerians) have to go through. We have our standards and we want to maintain them, but you know what is really ironic? In spite of all our rules and regulations, most of us still end up marrying the “wrongest” person. Why? We are hoping for a change; a change that will not come. Before we know it, we have kids for this man, and then we begin to feel trapped, but as for me, that juju will not work on me. Besides, once juju has crossed the border, it becomes deactivated…right? I sure hope so.
Marrying a Nigerian man is like buying a car from an auction. What you see is NOT what you get. What you see is a fine man who promises to give you the world and beyond; what you see is an honest and mature man who is secure in you and what you both share. What you get is a man who cannot control his sexual urges and wants sex on demand; what you get is an insecure man who panics at the mere mention of another man’s name. What you want is for him to change, and what you do not get is change. Marriage is a difficult investment, so I have to say “more grease to your elbows” to all the married folks out there. Investing in marriage is like buying a computer out of the auction; it is not guaranteed to work, there is no warranty, a return policy is non existent, a refund is most definitely out of the question, you are guaranteed that tons of viruses would be visiting you and crashing your system, the price you pay for it has nothing to do with its quality or the services it would render, hackers would definitely be accessing your computer, no company would want to insure it because they see it as a definite “liability”, and it will come with missing parts that cannot be replaced because they are off the market. So you see, if I will go through all these for the sake of marriage, do I not owe it to myself to at least marry my soul mate? Be knowledgeable that marrying my soul mate does not mean that he has all his parts; it just means that he is functioning without them.
What’s a girl like me to do? All I can do is get down on my knees and say to God “this scarcity of soul mates sef…e get as e be oh!”