Let’s talk about sex.
Now, I want you all to think -seriously- the last time you did it, how much time did you put into foreplay. Did you tease your significant other with come hither looks and subtle touches? Did you take your time to get him or her in the mood? Or was it ‘ wam, bam, thank you ma’am (or sir)’.
The issue of foreplay has always interested me. Through my experience, I have noted most African men lack foreplay techniques. Not all, most. I have always tried to find out the reason. I believe it has a lot to do with nurture. Not by their mothers, God forbid, but by the women they date. As women don’t do a good job of teaching our men about foreplay and with good reason: we don’t want to be branded sluts. We either won’t take the time or be bothered with teaching a man what makes us ‘hum’. Some of us are afraid all our lessons will go to benefit some other woman, some of us feel the men should already be equipped to deal with the issue. We all want to be ‘wifeys’ and believe it is not our place to teach men these things.
For example, one naija guy I dated had it all. Looks, charm and means. When it was time for us to get together, he was up for it and I thought all went well until he asked me afterwards, “Who taught you how to kiss?” At first I felt he was put off by my performance until I realized he perceived I was too experienced for him. Hunh? I asked myself for days.
What about acts that are considered taboo…like cunnilingus? The debate I had with both male and female friends of mine was an eye opener.
“Mba o. I will never let Okechukwu do that! Hai! Alu eme!” said my friend Jennifer.
“Why not?” I asked.
“Because it is dirty,” she replied with a firmness that told me the conversation was over.
Another friend Dami was more forthcoming, she said, “if he does not go down I don’t go down. Tit for tat. Show him what he is missing and he will never refuse. It works for me. ” Then in a hushed tone she continued, “eh, but Rosie don’t go around telling anyone. John would get really pissed. It is not something we broadcast, you hear.”
At another get together I happened to be sitting with a group of three guys, Mike, Benjamin and Dayo.
Ben said, “I won’t do it unless she insists.”
“I don’t care if she threatens to leave, I won’t do it,” said Mike.
“What of you Dayo?” I asked.
“That is oyinbo love jare. My girlfriend has never even brought up the issue and I hope she does not.”
“But would you appreciate the favor if she gives it to you?” I asked knowing fully well what the answer would be.
“Yes, ke,” Dayo replied.
“Rosie you funny sha. All men like head. Period,” Mike said as they all burst out laughing.
I was not amused.
Personally, when it comes to sex, I feel it is like driving on a country highway with no regards to speed limits or caution signs. When on the road, the unexpected turns excite you and challenge you. When you reach your destination, tires screeching, knuckles pale, heart pounding…it can be similarly orgasmic.
Uhuhm! Moving on …
Like I said, sex should be adventurous and enjoyable. I cannot imagine just letting my partner have all the fun. It is a two-way street. So why do most of our men lack foreplay techniques needed to prepare females and why do females not speak up on this …this…injustice to the feminine mystique?[chant]We want foreplay! We want foreplay!
Why should we be afraid to teach our men what tickles us when it comes to sex. And why are men afraid to take lessons from women if they are so inclined to give it. Stop asking us silly questions like, “so how many men have you done that with? Shouldn’t all we hear from you be, “you like that baby? Oh yeah? How about this?” The bedroom is the one place on earth that should be your comfort zone. Let your imagination run wild – both men and women. The fun goes out the window when we start worrying about our partners and their past sexual escapades or who does better than the other.
I mean, what kind of guy says to himself, “shit, I had so much fun, I am not going to do this again with her. She must have had too much practice.” That just aint right.
If your girl is good in the sack, hold on to her and thank your stars you will never have to go to another bar or blind date again. I don’t know about any of you but if I had a man who made my toes curl every time, I would be leaving work at three every day! I know so many African women that have told me in confidence they are afraid to get bold during sex for fear they will be branded whores. I also know of African women who prefer other men of different races because they feel they make better lovers. I personally believe good lovers come from all races. To our guys, stop paying attention to getting off and checking to see if the woman you are with is getting off as well.