Is Foreplay Un-African?

Let’s talk about sex.

Now, I want you all to think -seriously- the last time you did it, how much time did you put into foreplay. Did you tease your significant other with come hither looks and subtle touches? Did you take your time to get him or her in the mood? Or was it ‘ wam, bam, thank you ma’am (or sir)’.

The issue of foreplay has always interested me. Through my experience, I have noted most African men lack foreplay techniques. Not all, most. I have always tried to find out the reason. I believe it has a lot to do with nurture. Not by their mothers, God forbid, but by the women they date. As women don’t do a good job of teaching our men about foreplay and with good reason: we don’t want to be branded sluts. We either won’t take the time or be bothered with teaching a man what makes us ‘hum’. Some of us are afraid all our lessons will go to benefit some other woman, some of us feel the men should already be equipped to deal with the issue. We all want to be ‘wifeys’ and believe it is not our place to teach men these things.

For example, one naija guy I dated had it all. Looks, charm and means. When it was time for us to get together, he was up for it and I thought all went well until he asked me afterwards, “Who taught you how to kiss?” At first I felt he was put off by my performance until I realized he perceived I was too experienced for him. Hunh? I asked myself for days.

What about acts that are considered taboo…like cunnilingus? The debate I had with both male and female friends of mine was an eye opener.

“Mba o. I will never let Okechukwu do that! Hai! Alu eme!” said my friend Jennifer.

“Why not?” I asked.

“Because it is dirty,” she replied with a firmness that told me the conversation was over.

Another friend Dami was more forthcoming, she said, “if he does not go down I don’t go down. Tit for tat. Show him what he is missing and he will never refuse. It works for me. ” Then in a hushed tone she continued, “eh, but Rosie don’t go around telling anyone. John would get really pissed. It is not something we broadcast, you hear.”

At another get together I happened to be sitting with a group of three guys, Mike, Benjamin and Dayo.

Ben said, “I won’t do it unless she insists.”

“I don’t care if she threatens to leave, I won’t do it,” said Mike.

“What of you Dayo?” I asked.

“That is oyinbo love jare. My girlfriend has never even brought up the issue and I hope she does not.”

“But would you appreciate the favor if she gives it to you?” I asked knowing fully well what the answer would be.

“Yes, ke,” Dayo replied.

“Rosie you funny sha. All men like head. Period,” Mike said as they all burst out laughing.

I was not amused.

Personally, when it comes to sex, I feel it is like driving on a country highway with no regards to speed limits or caution signs. When on the road, the unexpected turns excite you and challenge you. When you reach your destination, tires screeching, knuckles pale, heart pounding…it can be similarly orgasmic.

Uhuhm! Moving on …

Like I said, sex should be adventurous and enjoyable. I cannot imagine just letting my partner have all the fun. It is a two-way street. So why do most of our men lack foreplay techniques needed to prepare females and why do females not speak up on this …this…injustice to the feminine mystique?

[chant]We want foreplay! We want foreplay!
[end chant]

Why should we be afraid to teach our men what tickles us when it comes to sex. And why are men afraid to take lessons from women if they are so inclined to give it. Stop asking us silly questions like, “so how many men have you done that with? Shouldn’t all we hear from you be, “you like that baby? Oh yeah? How about this?” The bedroom is the one place on earth that should be your comfort zone. Let your imagination run wild – both men and women. The fun goes out the window when we start worrying about our partners and their past sexual escapades or who does better than the other.

I mean, what kind of guy says to himself, “shit, I had so much fun, I am not going to do this again with her. She must have had too much practice.” That just aint right.

If your girl is good in the sack, hold on to her and thank your stars you will never have to go to another bar or blind date again. I don’t know about any of you but if I had a man who made my toes curl every time, I would be leaving work at three every day! I know so many African women that have told me in confidence they are afraid to get bold during sex for fear they will be branded whores. I also know of African women who prefer other men of different races because they feel they make better lovers. I personally believe good lovers come from all races. To our guys, stop paying attention to getting off and checking to see if the woman you are with is getting off as well.

‘Nuf said.

Written by
Rosie R.
Join the discussion

10 comments
  • I totally agree with your Article. Most of my friends hold the same feeling that cunninglus is dirty but they are more than willing to demand fellatio. We African Men should all stop being selfish, becuase its all about mutual pleasure not just a one way street. All said and done am a big fan of foreplay and will always be.

    P.s I love ur article, awesome write up.

  • Well-spoken (written), Ms Sugabelly. Am a 9ja guy and I don’t see anything wrong in pleasing the lady (in and and every way possible) – gbam! Your realistic approach to the matter, especially the last line in your write-up, hit home. And I just have this one thing to say to you: Ms Sugabelly, if your man ain’t sucking on the nectar, then you need this hummingbird here. Word!

  • Finally, someone brings it up. I was just about to rant about it myself. Foreplay is NOT un-African, African men would just like to make us think so. Personally, I want a man to go down on me. I enjoy going down on my boyfriend because it gives him pleasure, there’s something addictive about how much he likes it, and he should return the favour because, it doesn’t matter how you look at it, I LIKE getting head JUST AS MUCH as he does. And it’s not just head. A guy should take time to touch a girl, I mean real sensual stuff, fondling her everywhere, and making sure she’s wet AND ready before the actual act. Attention to detail is IMPORTANT, and it makes me sad that so many Nigerian men are so bloody selfish when it comes to sex. Women have needs too, we like to come too, we NEED to come, not just you. And sorry, it doesn’t make us sluts, just girls that know what we want and what makes us happy. Seriously, perhaps we should boycott men and stop giving them head and how they like it. If you want me on my knees then get your tongue between my thighs!

  • Such a sad person you are, Pele. Such a sad person. Get your head out of the clouds, Man! Sex can be explored by any adult individuals who consent to it.

    This was a good piece because women should express to their men what they want or need, whether married or unmarried.

    If a man thinks of you as slut because you have certain needs than maybe that is not the man for you.

    Some African men do eat coochie and they say it taste delicious!!

  • Nice article! Sex is beautiful and great and in marriage should be explored to it’s ends as agreed by both parties.

    Ideally, sex should only be explored in marriage. The question of where you learnt how to getit on would not arise if both parties learn and explore themselves together. But the reality is that our society promotes premarital or non-marital sex and the percentage of couples that marry as virgins is low.

    I don’t think anyman would like to think of his wife to have had sexual excapades with other men and he would probably not want to admit has had some as well. So what goes round comes round.

    It is true that after a while, the sex iin marriage may not be as hot as it use to be, but that’s the more reason why both parties need to communicate and find out ways to spice things up and keep the love aflame

  • Great article! Its really a shame that women that want to be pleased by their men is though of as sluts. Like you said sex should never be one sided if you are getting yours don’t deny me mine.

  • Nice piece Rosa, but truth be told 80% of Nigerian men to be specific give heads to their girlfriends/wives/booty calls. They’ll lie about it online and to friends. The ‘takers’ know the truth. Why they lie about it and postulate some ancient gibberish they know nothing about continues to amaze us. I would like to know which culture and tradition in black and white says giving a head to a woman is a taboo.

    My man loves to go down there always,though I am not freaked by it one bit. Imagine a Northener who sulks when not allowed to visit ‘downstairs’. It does nothing for me (A topic for another day)

    Foreplay I think is very imortant,but when in a long term relationship you tend to get used to routine and never bother with all the ‘niceities’.

    A new lover lightens the fire,but after a while it goes dormant. Correct me,if I am wrong.