Memo to Governor Timipre Sylva of Bayelsa State

My Dearest Governor, Your Excellency, HRH, Chief-Dr. Timipre Sylva…Thanks for your recent visit to the DC/MD/VA area of the United States of America. It was so nice of you to grace us with your saintly presence. We are especially grateful that this is your fourth visit to the United States since you became the governor of Bayelsa State. I think it is your fourth visit, but a colleague is saying it is your sixth.

Fourth or sixth is irrelevant, what is relevant is that you have traveled out of the state and outside of the country for a total of three dozen times, or more. In terms of hours, you have spent almost 45% of your time outside of your jurisdiction. And that’s good and commendable. We the people of Bayelsa State need more of that. I am especially glad that at this pace, you will outdo, outspend, and out travel the former governor general Chief-Dr. Alamieyeseigha.

But hey, who cares about Alams. His time is over. He is irrelevant; you, sir, are relevant. It is your time and your turn. What God almighty, the omnipotent and the omnipresent has ordained, let no earthly man put asunder. Sir, na your turn ooooo. Na God say so. It is good and commendable that you spend valuable hours gallivanting the country and the globe, instead of wasting your time attending to the need of the state and our people. The more you travel the more developed the state will become.

There is no reason to confine your self to the state. Why are you the governor if you cannot travel at will to see your boys and girls in Yankee? Why are you the governor if you cannot travel to negotiate business deals with some dubious investment outfits in Yankee? Why are you the governor if you have to delegate authority to a commissioner? Why are you the governor if you can’t take time off to smell the roses and cognacs in America? As the governor, you have the right to take 10 days vacation after working for 20 days. It is hard being the governor, you know?

The more you travel, the more enlightened and educated our people will become. Your travels in and out of the country will provide access to quality education and health care for the common farmers and fishermen in Ijaw land. Your travels will be a joy to all those currently suffering from natural and man made disasters in the state. Your travel will help improve the human security situation of the state. There is peace and joy and celebration in the state. No wahala! Anyone who tells you different is a liar, a halfhearted bastard.

Your Excellency, please don’t mind all those who are accusing you of yeyerism; don’t mind all those who think you are wasting the people’s money. All na jealousy! I beg make you no mind them ojare. Heck, how much does it cost you and your entourage to travel to the UK, the US and then back to Nigeria….oh, say, $65, 000.00? Haba, that is chicken change! With oil and gas flowing yamuyamu $70K is a fowl and chicken change.

The chicken change aside, don’t mind all those who are accusing you and your posse of all the shopping you all engaged in. Mnmnmnmnm how much was the hotel bill sef? What is their business if you or members of your official and unofficial entourage exported cars and other luxury items? What is their business whether or not you and or your entourage deposited some $$$$$$$$$$$$ in some bank accounts in the US, UK and other spots. All na jealousy! Keep on keeping on; the overtaker cannot overtake the overtaken. Ranka dede…I salute ooo…I do bale…I am on bended knees. Na you oooo.

In fact, we expect you to visit us again 2-4 more times before the year is over. If I were in your position I’d do the same. As the governor, you are also the government; therefore, government’s money is your money. Why spend your time in a state where more than 80% of the people have no access to potable water, electricity, health care, good roads and all that? Why spend your time listening to perennial complaints about non-paid salaries, absence of government and all that yamayama talks about corruption and corrupt practices?

America has everything: clean air, clean environment, good roads, good food, good wine and champagnes and caviar. I hope you made use of all the basic amenities and infrastructures at the beck and call of Americans. Just for the fun of it, I hope some fine-fine chicks were also there to grace your palms and your heart. Fuck, what do you care whether or not the simple and basic amenities that were at your disposal (in the UK, USA and other places) are present in Bayelsa State or not? Your people don’t deserve such.

You see the Ijaw man and woman do not deserve the good things in life. Ijaw boys and girls should not worry about the good things you and your friends and family have access to overseas. The Ijaw people should not aspire to the good things of life. You are the governor…the government…god…giver and taker. Oloye, Omo Oba Sylva-Sam…the one before, the one after, and the one for eternity.

Your Excellency, I also must not forget to salute all those Diasporas Ijaw men and women who came to see you behind closed doors to ask for favors, contracts, appointments, scholarships, money for food and money for drinks. To be honest with you, I don’t mind the fact that some Ijaw men and women came to see you: to pay homage, to shake and tremble before you, to grease and massage your ego and your balls; to tell, confirm, reaffirm and certify the fact that you are the governor, the man of the hour.

As for me, I couldn’t make it because I had to go to work. I work seven days a week. Sha, by the special grace of God the almighty, I hope to see and meet with you the next time you make it to the US of A. God Bless America! But sha, do not forget to tell your errand boys, your boot lickers and your street urchins to send me my share ooooooo. Only 10%! I beg, na beg I beg you oooo. After all, I too be Ijaw man and I am entitled to some of the loot. Trust me; I will never reveal your secrets.