My Name is Femi Fani-Kayode

by Sabella Ogbobode Abidde

“The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards” (Alexander Jablokov).

For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Femi Fani-Kayode. I am an ass. I am employed by and am at the service of President Olusegun Obasanjo. In many ways, I am like my father. Long before I came to Aso Rock, I was a fierce critic of my boss and have had reasons to abuse him. Heck, I may have done so without good reasons. Still, he gave me my current job. Today, I am in charge of abusing distinguished Nigerians — spewing invectives at giants like Professors Achebe, Soyinka and their likes. In addition, it is my duty to deride former presidents and heads of state like the amiable Dr. Yakubu Gowon. You see, my oga is feeble-heated and so I say the things he is afraid to say, do the things he is afraid to do. He is a closet-coward, you know. In other words, I am his attack dog — a rabid dog with rabies.

I don’t get paid the big bucks just so I can sit on my yanch doing nothing. It is my duty to abuse and rubbish critics. It is my duty to put fear in the heart of all those who might consider raising their voice at my boss. It is my job to respond to and put critics in their place whether they meant well or not. My boss knows it all. He does not need outsiders to tell him how to his job. Damn, those critics and those newspapers boys…who and what do they think they are? When men were men and boys knew their place in society and acted accordingly, they’d dare not as much as look at my boss in the face. During the Dordan Barrack years, would these critics and newspaper boys have had the temerity to question my oga’s words, his wishes and whim? Answer me…you bloody civilians! Where are those unknown soldiers when we need them?

The problem with you Nigerians is that you act as though you are smart, or smarter than my boss. You act as though you know it all. You act as though you are better read, better traveled and have a better view of what is going on in the world. You act as though you are Christians and or better Christian than my oga. Did you all know that my oga has a direct phone line to kings and queens and to presidents and prime ministers and to Bill Gates? And in fact, my oga has a direct line to Jesus of Nazareth and to Jesu Oyingbo. My boss is only one of three born-again Christians in this country: Me, Obasanjo and OBJ. The rest of you are all pagans, atheist and agnostics.

Take that man…mnmnmn what’s his name…mnmmnn Wole Soyinka; we all know he is not a Christian. The SSS told us so after listening to his phone messages. We know he doesn’t pray to God or to Allah or to Jesus. And in fact, our spies told us he has never read the Bible or the Quoran in his life.

The Professor does not believe in anything. He does not believe in history, economics, philosophy or political-jibiti. The fellow is overrated. And let me tell you something new: Intelligence Report indicates he is a Toronto graduate and that his Nobel Prize in Politics is not even real and correct. That being the case, “I think we have already given Prof. Soyinka far more attention than he deserves. We have absolutely no further comment about him and we have nothing more to say to him.” From now on, we shall concentrate our attention on that nationalist, Dokubo-Asari. Only if he had kept quiet and not bothered OBJ he wouldn’t be in his current wahala. He says he is fighting for his people’s right, resource control and such lofty ideals. But why? Na wetin concern am?

Chinua Achebe, Anthony Enahoro, Wole Soyinka, Asari-Dokubo, Gani Fawehinmi, Abubakar Umar and their likes are all trouble makers. They give my oga sleepless night, heartburn and ulcer. From now onward, anyone who gives Baba wahala or as much as look Baba in a funny way or have badbelle towards him will be dealt with one way or the other. We can revoke passports, business licenses, and certificate of ownership on any plot or house at Abuja and elsewhere; we can send the EFCC any direction we want; and we can make the police and the khaki boys do our biddings. Baba is not just part of the government, he is the government. The alpha and the omega.

Now, don’t get Baba wrong as he is a saint. And for that matter, don’t get me wrong as I am an angel. This government is about democracy. I am all for democracy and democratization. Baba is all for democracy and political liberalization. Therefore, we welcome and tolerate criticisms. But please ask us or seek permission before you start criticizing Baba because “at this stage in the life of our nation, constructive criticisms and meaningful contributions are what are needed and not the expression of bitter, retrograde and self-serving commentaries. In any case, it is always very difficult to reason, debate or have any form of meaningful discussion or dialogue with any person that does not believe in God,” i.e. Wole Soyinka.

If Soyinka believed in God, he wouldn’t spend his time yabin and jabbing Baba and our government. “The truth is that regardless of what people like Soyinka would have you believe, God is blessing Nigeria and our belief is that He will continue to do so….” Now, let me count the number of ways God has blessed Baba, this government and Nigeria: Before I do so, please have it in mind that the Anambra and the Chris Uba affair is just an aberration — ditto for the Lamidi Adedibu goslow in Ibadan. And don’t judge us or judge God by those two innocuous messes. Moreover, God has nothing to do with the corruption and high crimes and misdemeanor that are rampant in our country.

You see, God has been blessing our educational system. All schools, from elementary to university level, are well staffed and well equipped and can therefore compete with any school in South Africa, Botswana and the western world. Our university graduates are the best in the world. Have you been to the universities in Ibadan, Lagos, Benin, Zaria, Sokoto and Jos? Holy Moses, our students are performing wonders. In less than ten years, we expect to send Nigerians to the moon, mars and Venus. And then beat Microsoft at its game.

The Lagos University Teaching Hospital (LUTH) and IGBOBI Orthopedi

c Hospital were world class institutions in the 1970s or thereabout. And for the next fifteen years or so they suffered from mismanagement. But today, both institutions, like all other medical and research facilities around the country have been restored to their former glory, and better: well-staffed, well-equipped, well-funded and well-managed. We were able to achieve all these because Baba’s hand and heart and forehead were touched by God. Hallelujah? Hallelujah!

Ha, the miracle of God! Praise the Lord…Praise the Holy Ghost and Praise the Holy Spirit!! Oh, wonders, wonders, wonders! Pray, my people pray…fast for forty days and forty nights for Baba. More miraculous achievements that are ordained by God are on their way. Pray!

My people, I can go on and on and on detailing the tangible achievements of President, Chief, His Excellency, and Dr. General Olusegun Obasanjo. But I am a modest man. I am humble and respectful of my people and my elders and statesmen. I don’t chew more than I can swallow. I am a man of God. It is not in my nature of start abusing and hauling insults at anyone. The only problem I have is with the Press. You see, the Nigerian Media are always misquoting and misinterpreting my words. They are always turning my grammar upside down. Haba, walahitalahi, I have never abused Chinua Achebe, Yakubu Gowon or Wole Soyinka. No, no, no! Only a bastard would open his foul mouth at these reputed and distinguished Nigerians. Only a bastard! Am I?

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Anonymous March 14, 2006 - 2:17 pm

Go home and ask God to deliver you all from this frustration. Insulting him will take you NO where, it is an utter waste of me. If need be, justice will be done in time. Till then go and make hay whilst the son shines. Miss Fani-kayode.

Anonymous March 8, 2006 - 5:56 am

Very well written satire.Beautiful and entertaining, but all the same, scarthing and absolutely cynical;devoid of every sense of balanced judgement. Sabella has recently joined the league of ever-nagging Nigerians, who do nothing else but pick holes. He has proven to be not only a damn critic of brazen impenitence, but also a dicsiple of the 'eunuch' order, fit only at discussing other people's love making, without himself being able to muster even an erection.

Thanks to his mastery of the bitter side of the pen, but great wonder why Sabella has bluntly refused to effect the drift of his pen to the positive, to the principle of constructive assessment. I really wonder if people like Sabella have ever written anything palatable about their home country; I do wonder if they have ever thought of the cumbersome nature of leadership; I yet do wonder if they have ever come on reckoning for some invaluable good they did for their country, and I earnestly wonder why it's just been talk and talk and talk… all the long, broad, apian way: I am puzzled to say the least!!!

Fani-Kayode is only driving home a truism: that Nigerians hold no temerity to abuse without recourse, their leader. What does it profit a true patriot to outrightly abuse his president? Mindless confrontations and seething monologues like the ones perpetrated by Sabella and his likes have never paid off in the process of nation building. What people like Sabella should uderstand is that, there is never a time the okra stem will grow taller than its owner; it will always be plied at will. There is also no such time when the frowns of a he-goat will prevent its owner from selling it. What the President will do, he will do;no stopping;neither is there any gainsaying to that.

And for goodness sake, only a blind bartimeus will not see the efforts of the Obasanjo's administration. Only in fact a dunciard, an ingrate, an unrepentant sluggard, a hopeless never-do-well, will not appreciate the hallmarks and the bold imprints of successes on the sands of the present regime. Take it or leave it, Ngeria and indeed Nigerians have never had it so good.This is a good foundation lain, which can conviniently be built upon by successive regimes.If we say Obasanjo as a leader has goofed, then we the followers have our own share of the blame too: we have also terribly goofed – afterall it takes two to tango.

Nigeria is a great nation with great leaders and personalities, no matter the angle from which any critic sees it.We too, the followers, are great in our own unique way.All we have to do is: join hands, encourage, build positively and soar to the top.As for the allegations levelled against Fani-Kayode I would say: a child who does not allow its mother sleep, will itself not sleep. Once destructive critics like sabella cease from their unproductive vocation of endless nagging, then I think Fani-Kayode will grant them a reprieve, he will down his lethal weapons of defensive-attack, he will also cease to be insolent and harsh, and we will all become friends once again.


Anonymous March 7, 2006 - 10:25 am

u need deliverance from demonic possession and psychiatric evaluation .pls continue to wash toilets or whatever it is that you do for a living outside nigeria.leave femi fani-kayode and mr. president alone.You are full of nothing but hatred and envy. Meanwhile femi fani-kayode and his government will continue to go from strength to strength.

Anonymous February 20, 2006 - 7:12 am

"PUNAKKA" means clapping in Igbo language.That is what i am doing for this wonderful piece you have put together.I think this boy, Fani Kayode is sure an *ss and he is so rude.

Anonymous February 2, 2006 - 1:09 pm

Wonderful piece.Very amusing but depicts the emptiness of that apostate,femi fani-kayode.The guy should be told that he represent nothing but disgrace to his generations.

Very SImilar February 2, 2006 - 11:37 am

More reasons to ignore Soyinka

By Okey Ndibe

THANK God for the wisdom and courage of Mr. Femi Fani-Kayode, the always sagacious mouthpiece of President Olusegun Obasanjo. Last week, Fani-Kayode finally unmasked Wole Soyinka, bard and Nobel laureate, for the godless cynic that he has always been. Responding to the playwright's scalding rebuke of the president and Nigeria's Information Minister, the president's well-paid and ever dependable nemesis of presidential critics announced that the administration had resolved not to pay further heed to a man who did not believe in God. As far as the president's abuse-inflictor was concerned, Soyinka had already received excessive attention from Obasanjo's God-installed regime. Now, it was time to leave the godless critic to his godless devices.

Fani-Kayode's contumely on Soyinka was not only brilliant and brave, it was for me eye-opening. As I meditated on Fani-Kayode's wisdom, my mind began to expand, recognising as well as articulating other reasons why the God-fearing government and people of Nigeria should cease listening to anything Soyinka says, good or bad. So here is a list of other reasons why Nigerians should stop bothering with Soyinka's paganistic perorations (Do you notice that, after years of reading Fani-Kayode, his verbal virtuosity has rubbed off on me).

Reason Number One: It should strike any well-reasoning person as odd that, at his age, Soyinka remains content to be a social critic, even one who occasionally participates in street rallies and protests. If that is not a sure sign that something is wrong with the man, then I don't know what to believe. This July, the man will mark his 72nd birthday. Many Nigerians of his age, and many who are younger, have duly attained the status of "political chieftain."

Better still, a few men his age and younger have gained elevation to the rarefied status of political godfather, able to collect millions in political rent from those they have installed in public office. His age mates are enlisted as "prominent stake holders" in the PDP, the greatest political party in the history of Africa. A man who at seventy has reduced himself to rudely shouting at our rulers from the streets (and in the company of touts, mere workers, market women and other ragamuffin) instead of planting himself in the corridors and parlours of power should not be heard from.

Another reason to erase Soyinka's voice and political comments from the national register has to do with the unsatisfactory manner in which his 70th birthday was celebrated two years ago. Every Nigerian of worth knows that Ovation magazine is the publication of record for the small league of the well-heeled. When the nation's parvenu mark their birthdays, they often do so in their mansions in England or, in Terry Waya-style, in splurgy hotels in Europe or North America. They hire private jets to ferry their friends, wives, concubines and admirers to the venue of the big to-do. Cows, goats and chicken are slaughtered in great number. Rare wine, an assortment of spirits, a variety of costly liqueurs as well as all the best and most expensive beers in the world are quaffed as if there would be no tomorrow. Above all, the celebrant makes sure to buy several pages in Ovation and/or Encomium magazines where colourful photographs from the majestic event are splashed, permanently embossed for posterity.

By contrast, when Soyinka celebrated his 70th birthday in 2004, the event was marked, not in London or New York or Paris, but in dingy halls mostly in Lagos. Instead of a spectacular display of wealth befitting a man of his age, the event offered a famished menu of lectures, exhibits, drama productions and poetry readings! Rather than making it an occasion for epicurean excess, he treated his guests to long grammar and abstract disquisitions on art and politics. True, the event was written up in many foreign newspapers, including the New York Times. But it should concern us that nobody saw one picture of that birthday celebration in Ovation or Encomium, the magazines that count. I declare: a man who doesn't know that his birthday is a nullity unless featured in Ovation does not merit our attention in the least.

Another reason we must begin to ignore Soyinka is that the man simply doesn't have the gravitas of Chris Uba, Tony Anenih, Lamidi Adedibu or Ahmadu Ali. While these four God-loving and God-beloved juggernauts are making extraordinary sacrifices and contributing their immeasurable quotas to the president's agenda of entrenching social and economic reforms as well as annihilating corruption, Soyinka has lent himself to the satanic goal of moving the nation backward. Uba is a longstanding and benevolent political godfather, a gentleman of the first order who is now poised to become an oil baron, all (of course) to the glory of God and the betterment of our great nation, especially the Niger Delta. Anenih's astuteness as the great fixer, the incomparable leader, and the one recurring decimal in every government in power is, I'm told, drawing the attention of the world's foremost political scientists. Soon tomes will be written on him to rival the best political strategists in history. Adedibu is the quintessential installer and impeacher of office holders, the grandest garrison commander in the annals of Ibadan, and a man from whose loins political miracles are sired. Ali, thanks to God, is the shepherd of the biggest party in town, a man in such good standing with God that his phone is heard to ring all day, with God on the other end. Compared to these patriotic and weighty men, Soyinka is something of a traitor, a rabble rouser, and a fluffy nobody.

We know prominent men by the manner of their appearance as well as their mode of movement. As a nation, we should listen only to men who wear designer suits or elaborately embroidered agbada. On this count, Soyinka fails disastrously. This is a man who shows up at public events sporting simple, locally designed shirts and "ordinary" pairs of trousers. Worse, he doesn't even bother to stop at a barbershop before making his entry into gatherings. A nation of well-groomed and sartorially conscious people should flatly ignore such an unserious man. What does he take us for, a nation of bohemians?

If Nigerians wish to listen to critics, they have more than enough God-fearing and constructive critics to choose from. What we don't need or want is a man so steeped in darkness that he can't see Mr. President's unprecedented achievements, how NEPA has been miraculously healed of its malady and now supplies unfailing electricity, how all the federal roads have been wonderfully constructed, how Nigerian universities have become the envy of Harvard and Oxford, how Nigerian hospitals now boast state-of-the-art equipment and are manned by the best doctors in the world. European and Asian leaders are queing up for medical check-up at Obasanjo's exquisite clinics. If and when Soyinka repents, gives his life to God, and begins to see all the president's wondrous accomplishments, then the National Assembly should be persuaded to lift the ban on listening to him.

For now, there are simply too many reasons not to listen to Soyinka. At his age, he doesn't have a string of chieftaincy titles. Consequently, he has not been lifted to the exalted company of those addressed as Chief Professor or Professor Chief. His prefix remains simply Professor. Why should any sane person listen to a man who doesn't own "exotic" cars and who doesn't move in a convoy of vehicles, escorted by a retinue of fierce, gun and koboko-wielding police? When the good people of Nigeria, impressed by our great president's first-year feats, re-elected him in a landslide, Mr. President promptly recognised that only God, not voters, give power. A man of impeccable piety, he glorified the god he serves for giving him a new mandate. By contrast, when the godless Soyinka won the Nobel Prize in 1986, he never once gave God credit. Instead, he behaved and spoke as if the bestowal of the prize had everything to do with his writing!

It is time we exposed Soyinka for what he is, a mere writer. When such a lowly being persists in the excoriation of our God-ordained leaders, why, we should individually and collectively disavow him. Henceforth, let us resolve to listen only to serious men such as Uba, Adedibu, Ali, Fani-Kayode and, above all, our able president. History will aver that these men worked selflessly, assiduously, day and (sleepless) nights, "to deliver the dividends of democracy" and "to move the nation forward." Let our National Assembly pass a law today banning Soyinka from distracting our hardworking political chieftains with his heathenish noise and drivel.

Anonymous February 1, 2006 - 7:23 pm

A good sattire. No wonder a research done worldwide chose Nigerians as the happiest people in the world for the 2nd year running. If you dont get to read such articles to make you laugh and also sigh for mother Nigeria, then there might not be enough space on land to bury Nigerians because situation in the country seems to have defied logic ans sense of history. Nigeria, I hail thee

Anonymous January 30, 2006 - 4:29 pm

u forget to add the number of planes your oga left for nigerian airways or the number of ships of NSL when he first left office..or may be it is the number of bastards one of them called Gbenga that you want to talk about..omo go on soun!

Reply January 30, 2006 - 2:07 pm

The son of a goat will never eat flesh.

adeyemi adeleke January 30, 2006 - 12:00 pm

i do not blame u because u did not know people are suffering in the country,you have not not experienced the true meaning of poverty,you can come to foko in ibadan if you wish to know.ode u dey talk about ur father ,the two of una be thief

Anonymous January 30, 2006 - 10:25 am

This is my own words to Fani, the little boy that insults his elders will definitely be thoroughly be paid back when the time is right.

Anonymous January 30, 2006 - 9:00 am

No you are not a bastard! The Your Late father Chief Fani Kayode of Firsr republic notoriety did worse – you are plying a family trade. Thanks Sabella, anyone that reads this article should also check out Abati yesterday- fani Kayode will definitely recant when his oga lose his job next year whether he likes it or not. I am waiting- I still believe that the best favor Obasanjo can do his family (political or blood) is to repiar our prisons because I forsee many of his cabinet spenidng their retirement there- revolution is on the way!


Anonymous January 30, 2006 - 7:19 am

Yes, that boy Fani-Kayode is a born bastard. A born again bastard. Someone somewhere needs to gun him down quick by any means necessary. Infact he and all in the cabinet, all the way to the apex of the government MUST be eliminated by all means necessary. Nigerians have suffered enough, more than suffered enough!

Anonymous January 30, 2006 - 2:37 am



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