“The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards” (Alexander Jablokov).
For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Femi Fani-Kayode. I am an ass. I am employed by and am at the service of President Olusegun Obasanjo. In many ways, I am like my father. Long before I came to Aso Rock, I was a fierce critic of my boss and have had reasons to abuse him. Heck, I may have done so without good reasons. Still, he gave me my current job. Today, I am in charge of abusing distinguished Nigerians — spewing invectives at giants like Professors Achebe, Soyinka and their likes. In addition, it is my duty to deride former presidents and heads of state like the amiable Dr. Yakubu Gowon. You see, my oga is feeble-heated and so I say the things he is afraid to say, do the things he is afraid to do. He is a closet-coward, you know. In other words, I am his attack dog — a rabid dog with rabies.
I don’t get paid the big bucks just so I can sit on my yanch doing nothing. It is my duty to abuse and rubbish critics. It is my duty to put fear in the heart of all those who might consider raising their voice at my boss. It is my job to respond to and put critics in their place whether they meant well or not. My boss knows it all. He does not need outsiders to tell him how to his job. Damn, those critics and those newspapers boys…who and what do they think they are? When men were men and boys knew their place in society and acted accordingly, they’d dare not as much as look at my boss in the face. During the Dordan Barrack years, would these critics and newspaper boys have had the temerity to question my oga’s words, his wishes and whim? Answer me…you bloody civilians! Where are those unknown soldiers when we need them?
The problem with you Nigerians is that you act as though you are smart, or smarter than my boss. You act as though you know it all. You act as though you are better read, better traveled and have a better view of what is going on in the world. You act as though you are Christians and or better Christian than my oga. Did you all know that my oga has a direct phone line to kings and queens and to presidents and prime ministers and to Bill Gates? And in fact, my oga has a direct line to Jesus of Nazareth and to Jesu Oyingbo. My boss is only one of three born-again Christians in this country: Me, Obasanjo and OBJ. The rest of you are all pagans, atheist and agnostics.
Take that man…mnmnmn what’s his name…mnmmnn Wole Soyinka; we all know he is not a Christian. The SSS told us so after listening to his phone messages. We know he doesn’t pray to God or to Allah or to Jesus. And in fact, our spies told us he has never read the Bible or the Quoran in his life.
The Professor does not believe in anything. He does not believe in history, economics, philosophy or political-jibiti. The fellow is overrated. And let me tell you something new: Intelligence Report indicates he is a Toronto graduate and that his Nobel Prize in Politics is not even real and correct. That being the case, “I think we have already given Prof. Soyinka far more attention than he deserves. We have absolutely no further comment about him and we have nothing more to say to him.” From now on, we shall concentrate our attention on that nationalist, Dokubo-Asari. Only if he had kept quiet and not bothered OBJ he wouldn’t be in his current wahala. He says he is fighting for his people’s right, resource control and such lofty ideals. But why? Na wetin concern am?
Chinua Achebe, Anthony Enahoro, Wole Soyinka, Asari-Dokubo, Gani Fawehinmi, Abubakar Umar and their likes are all trouble makers. They give my oga sleepless night, heartburn and ulcer. From now onward, anyone who gives Baba wahala or as much as look Baba in a funny way or have badbelle towards him will be dealt with one way or the other. We can revoke passports, business licenses, and certificate of ownership on any plot or house at Abuja and elsewhere; we can send the EFCC any direction we want; and we can make the police and the khaki boys do our biddings. Baba is not just part of the government, he is the government. The alpha and the omega.
Now, don’t get Baba wrong as he is a saint. And for that matter, don’t get me wrong as I am an angel. This government is about democracy. I am all for democracy and democratization. Baba is all for democracy and political liberalization. Therefore, we welcome and tolerate criticisms. But please ask us or seek permission before you start criticizing Baba because “at this stage in the life of our nation, constructive criticisms and meaningful contributions are what are needed and not the expression of bitter, retrograde and self-serving commentaries. In any case, it is always very difficult to reason, debate or have any form of meaningful discussion or dialogue with any person that does not believe in God,” i.e. Wole Soyinka.
If Soyinka believed in God, he wouldn’t spend his time yabin and jabbing Baba and our government. “The truth is that regardless of what people like Soyinka would have you believe, God is blessing Nigeria and our belief is that He will continue to do so….” Now, let me count the number of ways God has blessed Baba, this government and Nigeria: Before I do so, please have it in mind that the Anambra and the Chris Uba affair is just an aberration — ditto for the Lamidi Adedibu goslow in Ibadan. And don’t judge us or judge God by those two innocuous messes. Moreover, God has nothing to do with the corruption and high crimes and misdemeanor that are rampant in our country.
You see, God has been blessing our educational system. All schools, from elementary to university level, are well staffed and well equipped and can therefore compete with any school in South Africa, Botswana and the western world. Our university graduates are the best in the world. Have you been to the universities in Ibadan, Lagos, Benin, Zaria, Sokoto and Jos? Holy Moses, our students are performing wonders. In less than ten years, we expect to send Nigerians to the moon, mars and Venus. And then beat Microsoft at its game.
The Lagos University Teaching Hospital (LUTH) and IGBOBI Orthopedi
c Hospital were world class institutions in the 1970s or thereabout. And for the next fifteen years or so they suffered from mismanagement. But today, both institutions, like all other medical and research facilities around the country have been restored to their former glory, and better: well-staffed, well-equipped, well-funded and well-managed. We were able to achieve all these because Baba’s hand and heart and forehead were touched by God. Hallelujah? Hallelujah!
Ha, the miracle of God! Praise the Lord…Praise the Holy Ghost and Praise the Holy Spirit!! Oh, wonders, wonders, wonders! Pray, my people pray…fast for forty days and forty nights for Baba. More miraculous achievements that are ordained by God are on their way. Pray!
My people, I can go on and on and on detailing the tangible achievements of President, Chief, His Excellency, and Dr. General Olusegun Obasanjo. But I am a modest man. I am humble and respectful of my people and my elders and statesmen. I don’t chew more than I can swallow. I am a man of God. It is not in my nature of start abusing and hauling insults at anyone. The only problem I have is with the Press. You see, the Nigerian Media are always misquoting and misinterpreting my words. They are always turning my grammar upside down. Haba, walahitalahi, I have never abused Chinua Achebe, Yakubu Gowon or Wole Soyinka. No, no, no! Only a bastard would open his foul mouth at these reputed and distinguished Nigerians. Only a bastard! Am I?