Naija Notes: Questions Without Answers

by Toni Kan Onwordi

I’m in a funny mood this morning so indulge me a little craziness.

I woke up this morning, you might say, from the wrong side of the bed and ever since questions have been running riot in my head.

How come Buhari thought he would win the elections? The bigot!

How come everything in Naija must become Christian versus Moslems?

How come politicians say something and do the very opposite? Is that how they are born or do they learn it at those late night meetings?

How come politics is such a dirty game?

How come Kris Okotie learnt to speak simple English only after he had been so roundly trounced at the polls?

How come Nigerians love power so much?

How come Nigerians love uniforms more than they love power? Is it the many years of military rule and militarization of our psyche?

How come every time someone bumps into me the first thing I do is grab my crotch to make sure my pecker still dey kampe?

How come there are so many mad men and women in Lagos? Is there a relationship between poverty, stress and mental illness? Doctors help me.

How come there are so many pregnant mad women running around Lagos? And who in God’s name is knocking boots with these mad women and where the hell do they ‘do’it?

How come OBJ is cutting cake in celebration when Nigerians are finding it difficult to eat “common” Agege bread?

How come God loves Nigeria so much? Is it because He knows that we can’t help ourselves? Is that why He insists on going the extra mile on our behalf?

How come there are so many ritual murders and so many missing persons in a country where there are so many churches and so many pastors?

How come OBJ’s Chief Economic Adviser keeps saying inflation is down when prices of stuff keeping going up?

How come you still have to queue for days to get a full tank while the oyibos are enjoying our oil and how come NNPC can’t repair their yeye refineries?

How come every Nigerian wants to check out and live abroad even though there’s SARS and Al Queda and earthquakes and tornadoes and skinheads and racist kids like the ones that killed Damilola Taylor?

How come NEPA is so terribly messed up?

How come SARS is not yet in Nigeria despite our love for Ghali-vanting around the globe. Abi the Federal Ministry of Health is hiding it from us like they did with AIDS?

How come America has not found any “smoking gun” in Iraq, abi Saddam ran away with the Weapons of Mass Destruction?

How come Saddam didn’t agree to go on exile when he had the chance? How come no one told him that proverb about the stubborn fly and the corpse?

How come the same recycled geriatrics are still ruling this country since independence?

How come Naija is so bloody sweet and so bloody bitter? How come?

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