Naija Notes: The Loser Formerly Known As Buhari

by Toni Kan Onwordi

In Naija parlance, you dey crase can mean a number of very different things. It can be interrogative, definitive or a prelude to a slap.

The Lagos state government has just given the phrase added semantic relevance. How? Lets start from the beginning.

Every one knows that Lagos is a city filled with mentally deranged people. Well, the Lagos state government has only recently realized this fact and has announced some amazing new rules regarding a crazy act Lagosians have perfected.

Effective immediately, any driver (make that most of the drivers in Lagos) caught going the wrong way (that means “driving one way” in Naija lingo) will have his car impounded. The offending driver will pay a fine of N25, 000 as well as N500 per day for the 14 days the vehicle will stay in detention.

But that’s not all. The interesting part is that before the car is released, the offending driver will go for a psychiatric evaluation and obtain a certificate that proves that he/she is not mentally deranged.

I can imagine the doctor looking the driver in the eyes and asking: Oga, dem

say make I ask you one question: you dey crase?


Chinwoke Mbadinuju, ex-executive governor of Anambra state and the man believed to be the prime suspect in the murder of Mr. and Mrs. Barnabas Igwe is believed to have fled the country.

Where did he go and why is he running? Lets just say that he’s gone abroad and as for the second question what is it they say about the guilty and fear?

Mbadinuju has been in the cross hairs of Igwe’s colleagues in the NBA (Anambra state chapter) and days before the expiration of his reign as governor, the former governor had gone to court to seek an order restraining the police from arresting him.

Seemingly not a firm believer in the law, the man chose to beat a virgin path abroad.

What did Bob Marley sing again: he who fights and runs away…


There’s a gale sweeping through Nigeria right about now and as I write I figure that nite clubs will never be the same again in Lagos and most of our major cities.

Habitués of all-night watering holes will tell you tales of how poor-yesterday-rich-like Abiola-today parvenus have turned nite clubs to exhibition halls. And their exhibits are not paintings or sculptures or photographs. They come to exhibit crass wealth and prettified women.

The way these arrivistes spend money make hard working folks like us wonder whether we are doing the right thing waking at 4 am so we can commute early to work on the island.

Well, a new sheriff is in town and he’s talking the talk and walking the damned walk. His name is Nuhu Ribadu, an Assistant Commissioner of Police and he is head honcho at the newly formed Economic and Financial Crimes Commission. Weeks back, no one knew who Nuhu Ribadu was, today only recent returnees from Mars have not heard of him.

Three weeks ago, he threw socialites and moneybags, Fred Ajudua, Emmanuel Nwude and Ade Bendel into the slammer. But the icing was the arrest of Hon. Ibekwe, a member of the House of Reps.

No one was impressed though, because aside from Ibekwe and Nwude, Ajudua and Ade Bendel had been there before and not much happened. But the slim built Nuhu seems bent on leaving a mark. The men were not only arrested but they were taken to court.

Lets just hope that this is not a severe acute case of Initial Gra-Gra!


News of the arrest and deportation of the Vaswani brothers – Sunil, Mamesh and Haresh – which is being linked to the Nuhu Ribadu led organization has sent a clear signal to those who think the young man is not serious. The brothers who have fingers in diverse pies: automobile and rice importation especially are accused of having fleeced the FG of N40bn in connivance with crooked Customs officials.


Someone please advise the loser-formerly-known-as-Mohammadu-Buhari that he might find happiness in Zimbabwe. The Movement for Democratic Change called for mass action and the people obeyed.

But before Buhari dusts his passport, someone should tell him that Mass Action worked in Zimbabwe because the people identify with Morgan Tsvangirai, leader of the MDC. And why have they identified with the man? Because Morgan is a DEMOCRAT.

Someone please define DEMOCRAT for Buhari.

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1 comment

kris April 21, 2008 - 10:26 pm

a very refreshingly humorous angle to matters of great concern!!!

toni kan has been able to literarily conjure up a sscintillating visual of the diverse demo, poli and economical state of our vibrant country.

good read!!


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