Sani Abacha Writes his Family a Letter from Hell

Dear Maryam and Children,

How is everyone? I apologize for not writing you sooner. I must indicate that what actually prodded me to write was the recent 10^th Anniversary prayers you held for me at the anniversary of my unannounced departure from earth. Maryam, I apologize. I know I have a lot to apologize for: over enhancing the family name by stealing, the Indian prostitutes, and even the unannounced departure! It is not my fault; it is NADECO’s handiwork!

Thanks but no thanks for hosting the 10^th Anniversary events in our home, and please do not do it again. Your prayers only called the attention of the devil to make this fire twenty times hotter than it used to be. The devil is truly scared that your prayers will set me free from this Hades, and he has decided to destroy me instead with his fire. Problem is that, I am still here. I had tried everything in the book; the devaluation of the dollar I came here with has since made my offer to the agents of Lucifer unattractive! Kai, George Bush! Even the promise of oil lifting contract will not do! You can’t believe it, but even the devil is afraid of being kidnapped by those horrible MEND boys!

Please skip the prayer next time, and use the money I asked Ahmed to keep in the Luxemburg account to travel instead. See the world, visit Kenya in fact! I heard the older white women do escape there to get their thing on. Please, do not hesitate. Okay, may be not. I understand you don’t have passports; but at least Calabar and Yenagoa will roll out the carpets for you. It was made clear to me that the Ekiti state illegitimate governor is a fan of mine. You never know, you might be welcome to sleep over in the government house at Ado Ekiti.

A lot has happened in the ten years since I left you. I understand that at least you and the kids are well taken care of by my military brothers like Abdusalami, Buhari, and IBB. I hope they can do their best before they eventually join me here. I also understand even Obasanjo, that ingrate who hunted you folks down for no good reason, since gave me a posthumous military honors and allowed our son to keep his loot. That is great. It is the best of military tradition you know – es spirit de corps! Obasanjo might not know it, but we are soul brothers. I mean think of it; for every Odi there is an Ogoni; for every Zaku Biam there is a Tiv land invasion. Obasanjo! Rumor even has it that he is Kanuri like me. I hope one day, we can sit down and talk about the good times like when I held him in my guest house for five years free of charge and exited the seat of power so only he could rule again! We will also share the bad times of course; when he decided to join that idiot called Y’aradua in his fool hardy! Can you imagine? Coup plotters!

I know things have been very hard on you but I am sure you will manage. How have you been holding up with those kids? All nine of them! I understand some of our daughters are married now. It is a good thing, and I apologize for missing these events. Hopefully, when we reunite here, we can have a proper family reunion in the center of it all- where thieves, rogues and their defenders burn like Fela’s rizzla. Speaking of Fela, I had been led to believe that he was going to be in this place with me. In fact, I must confess that this thought made me persist in my ways thinking my actions were of no consequence! Heck, with Fela’s melody, hell fire was going to be a cakewalk! But I was wrong. When I inquired of Fela from Lucifer’s agents, they told me he was a VIP hence was given the benefit to set up his own hell fire. All been said and done, Fela opted to use his weed as his fuel and he is currently so high he is probably the only one on this side that can stick here longer with no qualms. Power pass power and even the devil cannot dare Baba 70!

It has been ten years now! Walahi, I tell you those Indian girls don’t have anything on you. If any mammal needs the proof, I mean they can look at the beautiful kids we sired, and the way they are taking adeptly after their father. I mean, no DNA test is even needed! Kachinako! The same cannot be said about that guy called MKO Abiola or whatever they called him. Look at Mohammed, he killed and stole as much as his father, if not greater. Then you have this Abdusalami guy going about destroying my reputation and name. How dare he say that I, the king of kleptomaniacs, do not deserve the world championship for stealing? Abubakar is such a disgrace, I think he should be exiled to Otta. After all, I was going to retire that moron the following weekend just about when those Indian girls decided to play mago-mago with me using their ripe apples.

Well, Maryam- I am running out of time here. Time of is of essence on this side of eternity. The agent of the devil might not be too happy with this luxury of mine considering how your hell raising of a prayer have stirred the hornets nest. Well, kindly ensure you move the last money I kept with that dictator in Niger Republic to a private account farther away for our kids’ future use. I am thinking this money will come in handy to buy them a place in the future of Nigeria. Ours is a country that forgets anyway. Money and fame can buy anything in Nigeria! I mean, if people can actually say I didn’t steal- anything can happen in Nigeria! Take care Maryam, and stay away from the pool boys and Baba Iyabo. I understand that horny ex-head of state, sorry president, will lay his hands on anything: even my wife! As for Usman, tell him to keep it steady – even the devil is taking note as to the number of extra time he is spending creating a record.

I hope to see you very, very, very soon. Insha Allah. Happy June 12^th!

Signed:

General Sani Abacha (Rtd.)

Grand Commander of Kleptomaniacs

NB: Pa Adedibu just arrived. It just got tad bit hotter in here! Kai mallam!