Sex in the Nigerian Community

by Sabella Ogbobode Abidde

In Nigeria there is a contradiction in attitude towards sex and sexuality. For instance, a great many Nigerians are shy when it comes to talking about sex. They are not at all brazen and open and accepting of public discussions of sex; and in fact an overt public display of affection is not common. Yet, the Nigerian music, dance and other art forms exude eroticism and sexuality. To listen to some Nigerian music is to listen to the moans, whispers and the fiery sound of sex in motion.

Within the southern community it is not uncommon for a man to stare at a woman’s bosoms or buttocks; it is not uncommon to comment about the beauty of a woman’s physique and it is also not uncommon to express sexual intentions without the woman taking offense. This attitude is not about a lapse in morality or about moral decadence; or about a perversion of any sort. No. The south is simply more open, more accepting and more gregarious. Globalization and western education is more pronounced here.

But a mile or two up north, the community is somewhat conservative and reserve in all matters sex. They enjoy and engage in sexual activities as much as the south, but are given to this air of moral superiority and have the tendency to clothe most, if not everything, in religious and cultural dressings. In other words, religion and cultural factors are more pronounced here. But I make no judgment or offer any verdict regarding the sexual attitude or practice of the North and or of the South. Only an observation!

In the North or in the South, the men lead the way especially in politics and governance. And sex. Until recently, sex was primarily for procreation and for the benefit and pleasure of men. And very few men paid attention to the feelings and satisfaction of women. The women were expected to just lie there and take it and be grateful. And they did; until recently when the wind of change blew across the country one city and one village at a time. To varying degree, there is sex in the air; the scent of women permeates the air wherever one goes. The aroma is distinct.

Formal and informal sex education, feminist movements, western non-governmental organizations, globalization, Playboy and Penthouse magazines and other pornographic newsletters and movies and mainstream Hollywood productions helped pave the way for this liberalism. Additionally, international travels and exposure to western concepts and western practices also helped in this regard. These and other ideas and ideals gradually seeped into the marrow and consciousness of the Nigerian women. As women made progress, men began to lose balance and position.

Today’s Nigeria is vastly and radically different from the Nigeria of yester-years. Women, especially those between the ages of 18-40 are almost like their western counterparts: independent, assertive, aggressive and competitive, and can, in most cases, go toe-to-toe with men. And whether this is good or bad for the wellbeing of the society is beyond the scope of this treatise. But the aforesaid is happening. Whether in Sokoto, Warri, Maiduguri, Ilorin, Bauchi or Oshogbo, it is happening. Sex is in the air.

Women in Nigeria are beginning to find their place and their voice in a society that was for so long dismissive of their feelings and concerns and their sexual needs. In a society where men thought it was their birthright, a sort of entitlement to have two to four or as many sexual partners as possible, now find that women are now demanding, and are indeed excising their rights to as many conquests as possible. This realization is shocking to the men and it is even more so to the community of Nigerians living in the United States of America.

It is not uncommon for Nigerian men to prospect for wives back in Nigeria. Why? Well, two of the “hidden reasons” are that (1) “the girls for America don spoil;” and (2) “I no see better woman for here.” In simple non-coded language, it simply means that the Nigerian women they have tangoed with are either “morally bankrupt or sexually liberated or too independent for their manhood.”

This may be true for some; but the vast majorities are lying. These are men who have slept with, used and abused and then abandoned the girls for the supposed greenhorns back in Nigeria. Sometimes these greenhorns will in turn abuse, use and dump their husbands after a few years or as soon as they have their Greencard or citizenship in hand! Oh Karma, are there sexual greenhorns in Nigeria or anywhere else!

It can be unsettling and disrespectful and ego busting to the Nigerian male to know that his wife or girlfriend sometimes need the services of a vibrator or a dildo. But they are not likely to complain if their non-African partners use such complementary devices. Dildos and vibrators come in many colors and shapes and sizes. They can be handheld, battery operated or eclectic operated. In most cases, these devices make a man a non-factor in the bedroom. Some men can last an hour before expiring; these devices last all night long.

From Seattle to Miami and from DC to Houston and everywhere in between, I have yet to meet a Nigerian male who will admit, privately or publicly, to sucking his wife’s toes or engage in other bliss-inducing sexual practices. Yet, they will readily and freely do it to their non-African partners. And Nigerian women who engage in or desire such practices are labeled “spoilt” and will have their reputation dragged through a raging cesspool of excrements. But really, toe-sucking, clitoris licking and the licking and sucking of other body parts should not be considered offensive.

Sex between two loving and consenting adult is breathtaking. It has the ability to alter ones minds and perception (for the good). But if you listen to the Nigerian women talk, you will hear them tell you how unsure, how incompetent and how unsatisfying most Nigerian men are. They will tell you that most will not even hug or spoon after lovemaking; that most do not know how to kiss mouth to mouth or mouth on other places; and that most have no concept of foreplay. In and out and off to sleep they usually go.

They will tell you that most men still think of sex as procreation tool. And nothing more. If all the aforementioned allegations are true how then do Nigerian men manage with non-Nigerian women who want this and that and that and this and everything possible and impossible? I wonder!

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mamlade March 18, 2011 - 6:29 pm

I guess most of these people commenting are ladies; there is nothing new under the sun. There is a formula for being attracted to men in Nigeria. Before I came to America, I already knew how to woowoowoo till day break. Unfortunately some women especially after the first child or in the quest for childbearing kill the spirit of sex. I think you just have to have the best sex partner who understands what your bed passions are and how the pattern of your romance. The best sex partner I ever had was the last woman I dated in Nigeria before choosing a marriage partner who lost momentum for reasons best known to her. I can call the situation faulty matchmaking engineering; especially those nights when one feels like an untapped volcanoe; worst still, I dare not sin.

Reply April 1, 2008 - 4:12 pm

LMAO at Shemeta’s comments.

Shemeta Jones Abolarinwa November 8, 2007 - 1:10 pm


It seems you will never get exhausted talking about sex. You really want to educate the Nigerian public abi? Na wa for you sha!

You have written countless articles on this issue but never seem to be lost for words. You don't seem to mind even if you are very explicit when trying to describe a sexual act. You are really bent on flushing this information down our throats whether we like it or not.

Anyway, you are right in some of your observations. Some Nigerian men are complete slackers when it comes to satisfying their partners in bed. If you are with a typical Nigerian man forget about ever receiving oral pleasure or even fore play. They are just interested in inserting their small organ into you and you will be lucky if they can substain it in there for a minute. Nigerian women better rise up and start demanding their men to satisfy them in bed. I demanded this from my man.

Sabella, I have a question for you. Have you practiced all you have written about. I am just curious because you seem like a man that will really go all the way to please his sexual partner. I want to hear from you soon. Bye!!!!!!!

Seeking liberation November 6, 2007 - 6:55 pm

Na waoo… I do not see any sexual revolution in Nigeria. Women are still at the bottom of the pole..

Old men still marry young women and have many concubines.. Older woman try am, na stone to death o…

If you say how you want what you want in bed, your husband replies with a loud "chineke" and before you know it, big family meeting for you… as per, harlot with mammy water spirit.

If you get married and do not acquire the needed "jollo jollo" on your arms, the suspicious questions from your mother in law who is sure that you do not want to embrace the senior girl status, hence are an ashawo in wating… will take all ya liberation from ya mind sef…

As for sex while single, no one ever told these young men that it takes longer than 2 minutes and 3 grunts, to satisfy a woman?

Na wa o… When you find the liberated town, abeg, bros make you tell me o.. because I never see am as of yet!

sabella abidde November 6, 2007 - 4:46 pm

Rosie…Let's do more than just talk…whenever you are ready…

Rosie November 5, 2007 - 4:05 pm

Sabella, all together now…"let's talk about sex baby, lets talk about you and me…"

Anonymous November 1, 2007 - 2:10 pm

you got a lot of time on your hand.

agogo November 1, 2007 - 1:23 pm

Sabella, you are a very interesting chap, i always smile when i read your articles because you are ever so blunt in you assertions. You are truly an enigma and i have read your profile and you saying you have never had a profession but jobs (laughs). When ever i read your articles, like the one blasting Ribadu, it sort of gets me to know your sort of person more.

You are surely a talented Nigerian (smiling) and in my own words i would call you more of a character. Nigeria has indeed got brains that remain untapped outside its shores.

Keep up the good work. Cheers

unknown November 1, 2007 - 10:47 am

I am so happy this sexual revolution is happening. So for the Nigerian Men who can't catch up, please step out of the way for the strong Nigerian men that are up to speed.

julius November 1, 2007 - 10:07 am

My wife is Nigerian and I tell you all that I've learnt sexwise while growing up I do on my wife. It's kind of interesting.

judith November 1, 2007 - 9:52 am

this article is a blunt exposure of the sexual woes,incapacities of Nigerian men who would like to admit.and think of how to make amends,as sex today has torn many marriages apart.But i wish you feature a woman in your column to talk from the womens point of view!Generally this piece was very informative.


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