State of the Nation: Free Readers Speak

‘N na ehn, na wa for this country o!’

‘Wetin happen again?’

‘U never read Tribune headlines?’

‘Which one abeg I no get much time to spend here’

‘E le bi inaga?’

‘Where I dey go? You dey craze. Have you forgotten that I have a job to keep and family to feed?

Hapumaka biko’

‘I should leave you alone? Okay. Tribune and some papers are suggesting that Umoru is not in Nigeria’

‘I thought as much considering the way he was dispatched like a dangerous DHL package’

‘You know this is not funny.’

‘It has not been funny since November when the kitchen cabal took over without a coup’

‘Their latest act should compel the house to invoke section 144’

‘Na wa o. Hear carpenter quote constitution. Na 6 inches nails or sledge hammer? Werenwayo!’

‘The person I pity most in all these is Yari’

‘Me too. He lays as they said in a Ford ambulance while his boys and wives sign budgets, mobilize soldiers, direct aircrafts and switch off airport lights at will’

‘By the time this is all over, only God knows the number of foreign things we would have advertised free of charge’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Do you know King Fasai Medical Center before?’

‘No’

‘What of Ford ambulances?’

‘No’

‘You see what I mean?’

‘Now I understand’

‘I learnt that some Nigerian politicians with health problems are now registering at the Saudi hospital as the King’s guests’

‘Rumormonger’

‘I even heard that the Senator representing you has ordered for a Ford ambulance for his personal use’

‘What is wrong with him?’

‘Malaria’

‘You are insane’

‘Is there any other news apart from Yari?

‘NFF seems to have surprised Nigerians by naming a coach in a record shortest time of less than 3 months’

‘What do we know about the new guy?

‘Guy? You no get respect. He is like a father to those that interviewed him. I learnt they were even prostrating before him’

‘Mechonu. I think they said he once coached the Swedish national team, he should be okay’

‘I don’t think he’s the best for us. I would have preferred Metsu, his stature alone can scare stubborn players to get themselves together’

‘You know your idea does not count here’

‘The fact is that we will put our faith in the hands of another Bora’

‘See this headline’

‘Chei! NFF spent 8 billion Naira in getting a coach’

‘And we are here sharing one cup of kai kai’

‘I know you love money but this is a colossal waste of public funds’

‘Dey talk big grammar. The man-in-charge is sick, madam due process is out of office while madam EFCC is on sabbatical. Read the signs mumu!’

‘Oh my God!’

‘Ogini kwanu? Wetin you see?

‘See Bush and Rice in Abuja’

‘Since El Rufai left I’ve also noticed a lot of bushes around Abuja city, and we all know that rice is a major staple food here, fifty Naira per cup. Why are you surprised?’

‘Na wa for you oh! No wonder you are still unemployed, who will employ dullard like you? George Bush and Condoleeza Rice came to town!’

‘Point of correction, I’m underemployed, not unemployed. Why are these warriors here? Are we going to war with Iraq?’

‘No, they were in town for ThisDay Awards

‘I’m always surprised how the paper does it annually, inviting all these important people to our country in a time we just got rebranded’

‘Rebranding? I thought it’s dead’

‘It has achieved its purpose which is to showcase Nigeria and Nigerians to the rest of the world. Have we ever been this popular before in history?’

‘I agree but I’ve not been showcased’

‘You? Don’t make me laugh’

‘What is funny?’

‘Nigeria is not for people like you, go to Niger’

‘You need deliverance. Rev. King!’

‘Religious people’

‘What is wrong in calling on God?’

‘Some things need common sense, not God’

‘Who gave you sense? No be God?’

‘9ja is a typical case of the Biblical nation of Isreal that only draws near to God in times of troubles, afflictions and dire needs. When all is well, they forget all past woes and go AWOL like King Solomon with 1000 women. The man strong oh! Why didn’t God strike him dead?’

‘That is the covenant He made with David at work’

‘If I understand you well, David fought all Solomon’s battles while Solomon had enough time to satisfy his libido’

‘The man na real actor’

‘Any news on our actors?’

‘Which ones?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Everybody is an actor in Nigeria- Leaders, politicians, lecturers, pastors, businessmen and poor artisans like you.’

‘I’m talking of Ramsey Noah et al’

‘Don’t you know they lower IQ? As a sharp Igbo guy, nwanne, you need a high IQ for maximum efficiency. You dey feel me?’

‘I feel you. There is one actor that I’m looking for, the guy and his IQ too much’

‘Onye?’

‘Erastus Akingbola. He surprised me’

‘Dey there now, na wa for you oh! That na sharp actor. Our own Arnold Swaziniggagm, make I no break teeth’

‘Where is he?’

‘You dey ask me?’

‘I thought you used to be well informed. Anyway, I’m just wondering when Nigeria will be done with these art and act of acting and actors’

‘How I wish I can help with an answer’

‘You? Taa’

‘Make I shut up? No be your fault. Na 9ja cause am’

‘How?’

‘Sick people, wives and those without ideas are at the top while intellectuals like me are stuck with illiterates like you’

‘That is 9ja for you. Relax!’

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