The Blogs that Nigerian Women Write…

by Michael Oluwagbemi II

If you see any naija man out there, walking and gallivanting around as if he is king tell him he is a dead man walking. In fact, if he tells you he rules the world- tell him to shut up! Why do I say so? Well, don’t blame me. I have been a silent observer, in none other than what is not my business for five years running now: some kind of silent observer of not so long open secret that is scrawled around you even if you choose to ignore them. For some reasons, the thoughts of what I have seen, felt and read won’t let me be: hence, I have to share with you my readers; especially my brothers in arms…did you say harms way?

I started writing my first blog, as soon as that tool dropped on the World Wide Web, to form what is now widely known as blogosphere. That world is continually expanding, with twitting and social network sites being the different layers on that wonderful tool of communication that continues to empower individuals in our world: an ode to message boards. However, beyond the utilitarian purposes of these web tools, there are always unlikely revelations as you crawl the Web. Blogs in our world tend to cover varying topics, the group of blogs that hold the most fascination to me are blogs written by Nigerian women- at home or abroad.

See, this world is a world away from what you are used to. In these blogs, the Nigerian woman is unmasked. Be warned (as a guy man) before clicking on the link directions I will offer up to you, because what you will find out can either have one of two not so good effect on you as a. you will be addicted b. you will become paranoid. These blogs as usual are filled with sweet gist of what the not so secret life of naija babes at home or aboard is all about- in short it is men, men, men about 101 percent of the time. Talk about runs, talk about using men to achieve their goals, talk about stepping and playing dirty to get ahead: these blogs have these tales. Gossip, it has it all. In one instance confident, and traditional in another progressive and insecure.

For the naija guys that think these women worship at their feet, you will be shocked to learn how much they distaste your guts. They poke fun at your dry gist, ashy legs, small dick and even funny bed manners. They don’t like your friends that hit on them when you are not watching, and cannot stand your mother that rules your counter universe. Your eating habits are irritating and the way you kiss is nasty. Your breath…well let’s leave that for another day. Countless monuments to two minute men and poor guys thinking they conquered the “she world”, not knowing they have become village comedian not worthy of a “comeback kid” appellation fill these spaces. I swear, if you read these blogs and you don’t seriously check your wardrobe, choice of perfume or check how you step to naija babes, and then you will make me conclude you are either too slow or too dumb to understand. This is because a near obsessive critic of brothers is an evergreen past time of my not so secret blog life of naija women online.

The best gist of course are the escapades of these senior girls, be it being flown across to France with some big boy to celebrate big time while the not so humble (d) boyfriend was flipping the remote at home thinking the omoge working all weekend (catch am mugu), or even the sometime raunchy expose of how they really feel about being free and sensual. Masturbation, fellatio, sex toys, lesbianism and all sort of kinkiness are free range zones in all these revelations. Forget all that talk of good girls, lawd have mercy on your soul. As my people in Warfi say, who no know, go know. Well, now I am telling.

Before you run off to start clicking away, be rest assured that as you are unveiling one blog, so is another being created. The newest genre of naija girls blogs are those dedicated to returnees from abroad to Abuja, PH or Lagos. These girls are extremely well educated, and up and coming (at least so they claim). Their gist takes this past time to another level: imagine Nollywood meets Hollywood meets Wall Street and White Hall. Well you get it: money, power, glamour and fame. The not so obvious consequences of the gist will be telling when you’d thank me for messing you up there- big time! In any case, while you at it you will also have me to thank for finally making you paranoid, or maybe making you reconsider that foolish proposal you were about to do instead of doing some additional proper investigation. Like I said earlier, most of you were dead men walking and you didn’t even know it!

NB: The most outstanding Nigerian lady blogger by all standards is Vera– she needs no introduction. But to explore this world properly you might want to begin at Bedlam, avoid Chameleon and keep 36 Inches from the new African Women Blog. Bella is cool, so is Waffarian and Joke– well. I have of course redacted my favorite and tantalizing blogs for fear of losing them: you can always discover them if you search. For some reason, these blogs seem to be locking up as quickly as they open…something happened in 2008. Na global recession? Sans the returnee effect? One more thing, don’t attempt to mess with these women, you talk crazy on one of these blogs and you will most definitely get your butt kicked- they are like an Amazon family. I told you so!

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1 comment

Rosie April 22, 2009 - 6:36 pm

This is funny. Getting inside the head of a woman – any woman – is scary. That’s why we never say what we feel…but blogs have changed all that. Now, women can anonymously tell you their pet peeves – as well as their hopes and fears. It is empowering and scary all at once. But men should not be disheartened. Chances are we are not talking about you…lol.


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