The Inquisition

by Rosie R.

These are snippets of conversations I have with my family over the course of three weeks during my trip home to Nigeria Players are my Mother, Aunty A (a wealthy corporate woman with a lazy husband), Sister B (a family friend on the verge of divorcing her 5th husband). Lil Sis (new bride and an investment banker). Big Sis (married with 5 children to a total asshole with money).

The scenario unfolds…

Mother: You have to think of settling down. You are the only girl left in the family

Aunty A: It is important to see you settled

Me (with frown on my face): you constantly complain of your husband, why are you encouraging me to jump in

Aunty A: Because marriage is important

Sister B: Yes oh! The power of prayer is important when you reach this crucial point

Big Sis: Amen!!!

Me (shaking my head): No, please. I will not take advice from people in shitty marriages

Mother: It is crucial you marry

Me (outright laughter): Please, if I had my way we would annihilate all men! Waste of air – all of them.

Aunty A: True but we need men in our lives, for children, a family, a home…

Sister B: It is to honor God

Me: In your case, your were honoring God five times abi?

Lil Sis: If I have my way, I would rather stay single and fabulous but, after a lot of thinking and risk assessment, it was time to get hitched (she looks at her engagement bling like it is a meteorite from space)

Big Sis (looks at Lil Sis with vague amusement and snorts): Humph!

Me (under my breathe): F*©^ all men!

Sister B: Ogene! Whoooo! Don’t say that. Hah!

Me: How can you tell me get married when your husband treats you like dirt?

Sister B: Enh, But I am praying for a better one for you.

Me: Abstain from praying for me. From your track record, God is getting the wrong messages and you might screw mine up too

Mother: You have to settle down. Give me the names of all your suitors and we will pray over it

Me (raising eye brows): What will be the signal?

Aunty A: What signal?

Me: That Mr. A, B or C is who God chose for me

Sister B: It does not work that way. You know deep in your heart who is right for you, that is how God works

Me (shaking my head at how it is possible I am related to these people): Well, deep in my heart, the single life is what God is saying to stick to for now.

Mother (crosses herself): God forbid!

Aunty A: You scare me when you say things like that. Don’t you want to leave your father’s house?

Me (laughing): I already left. I am just visiting

Sister B: We mean to go to your husband’s house.

Me: The house Aunty A is living in now is her house, the one she built with her hard earned money, so technically is that her husband’s house, or did that lazy man only contribute curtains, enh?

Sister B (looking at Mother): Ogene me! Mama you don born!

(Mother sighs and leaves the room.)

I win the war but the battle had just begun. Find out what happens next when I am dragged to see a Holy Man

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Tootsie November 20, 2008 - 3:04 pm

Come one people, it is not that serious! Rosie is in control of her life and does exactly what she damn pleases!! You go girl 🙂

ADI A September 6, 2008 - 5:59 pm

It feels real good to love and be loved. I bet you if you have someone (in a love relationshp) who truely care for you and you like wise, then this article wouldn’t even be posted. if you desire a man badly, come out and say it and if you want to be single, may your wish come true for you.

Charizard April 21, 2008 - 5:28 am

Haha!!! I strongly agree with ada…if anything else I feel this is a simple case of the Pot calling the ceramic plate black…

ada March 27, 2008 - 12:23 am

I just wish people would actually read the articles….some people do not understand english, they have no sense of humor,,,,sheesh…Good job rosie!

Anonymous November 27, 2007 - 1:55 pm

How can all men be garbage?

Anonymous November 20, 2007 - 11:07 am

Rosie A lot of people that visit this site are angry, frustrated beings that need to get a life! I've discovered that ages ago and for a while stopped visiting the site but then I decided the heck with all of them and continued to write my articles. Youre a good writer. Keep expressing yourself, Girl but dont fall into the trap and be biased against ALL men. There are still some good people out there. You and I are proof enough! Haha! nice day, Babes!

Rosie November 19, 2007 - 1:58 pm

It was interesting the different meaning people are getting from this article. The idea was to put humor in an issue that is really a pain to discuss with the people I love the most.

AK, the point is one can't just decide to get married and then do it – It is not quite like buying a car, it is a process. Plus if you are bored with my article, do like I do and stop reading.

ak November 18, 2007 - 5:57 am

What's your point? You don't want to get married because females in your family don't get good husbands or out of jealousy for your sisters or you want to show you can write drama or you are just cool being single? Whichever one it is, don't bore us with your personal problems.

poshposh November 17, 2007 - 5:08 pm

My sister,welcome to the club.You are in a relationship and you kind of know the person you're going out with isn't excatly who you want settle down with.But you guys are good to together.Can't people understand that? that you guys like the staus quo.You are comfortable in your skins.But no,they must postulate,and forget how quickly they come to cry on your so called single shoulders.believeing you have all the answers.. .the pressure to get married is actually sickening. Visiting friends and relatives is out of the question. Those women and men who are fortunate to be outside the shores of this country can heave a sign of relief. No one is saying marraige is bad, not all of us will make good homes. So lets us find our feet.

Culture and so called tradition has deafened us to reason .It has become pathetic ,a 17year old girl/boy will be more respected because they have kids or are married than a man or woman who is at his/her peak..Why? being single defines who you are in Nigeria. This is not talking about married men and women who know their spouses screw around or have kids outside of their marriages.But, go out and play happy familes. My sister it is well.

P.s Those men/women of God are up to more shenanigans than we 'sinners'! The Almighty knows HIS own.

Tina November 17, 2007 - 2:49 pm

I've always read your fictions and loved them but I'm beginning to realise that there is a frustrated part of you that is speaking. I really think you need help because you are not the only unmarried female in todays world. Imagine the way you described men that are married to your sisters(as if they are angels themselves). I wonder why you singled your brothers and father out from that equation. Get a life please and stop hiding behind a cloak for your dark side of life in the name of "I dont need a man". If you don't need one, you can choose to stay single or become gay and leave our men alone. I don't think they are missing you because if they are, you must've been taken by now. You possess good writing skills and untold intelligence but your epilogue is just disgusting.

Jela November 17, 2007 - 2:17 pm

brilliant article!!! :))


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