These are snippets of conversations I have with my family over the course of three weeks during my trip home to
The scenario unfolds…
Mother: You have to think of settling down. You are the only girl left in the family
Aunty A: It is important to see you settled
Me (with frown on my face): you constantly complain of your husband, why are you encouraging me to jump in
Aunty A: Because marriage is important
Sister B: Yes oh! The power of prayer is important when you reach this crucial point
Big Sis: Amen!!!
Me (shaking my head): No, please. I will not take advice from people in shitty marriages
Mother: It is crucial you marry
Me (outright laughter): Please, if I had my way we would annihilate all men! Waste of air – all of them.
Aunty A: True but we need men in our lives, for children, a family, a home…
Sister B: It is to honor God
Me: In your case, your were honoring God five times abi?
Lil Sis: If I have my way, I would rather stay single and fabulous but, after a lot of thinking and risk assessment, it was time to get hitched (she looks at her engagement bling like it is a meteorite from space)
Big Sis (looks at Lil Sis with vague amusement and snorts): Humph!
Me (under my breathe): F*©^ all men!
Sister B: Ogene! Whoooo! Don’t say that. Hah!
Me: How can you tell me get married when your husband treats you like dirt?
Sister B: Enh, But I am praying for a better one for you.
Me: Abstain from praying for me. From your track record, God is getting the wrong messages and you might screw mine up too
Mother: You have to settle down. Give me the names of all your suitors and we will pray over it
Me (raising eye brows): What will be the signal?
Aunty A: What signal?
Me: That Mr. A, B or C is who God chose for me
Sister B: It does not work that way. You know deep in your heart who is right for you, that is how God works
Me (shaking my head at how it is possible I am related to these people): Well, deep in my heart, the single life is what God is saying to stick to for now.
Mother (crosses herself): God forbid!
Aunty A: You scare me when you say things like that. Don’t you want to leave your father’s house?
Me (laughing): I already left. I am just visiting
Sister B: We mean to go to your husband’s house.
Me: The house Aunty A is living in now is her house, the one she built with her hard earned money, so technically is that her husband’s house, or did that lazy man only contribute curtains, enh?
Sister B (looking at Mother): Ogene me! Mama you don born!
(Mother sighs and leaves the room.)
I win the war but the battle had just begun. Find out what happens next when I am dragged to see a Holy Man