The Other Nollywood

You’ve heard now?

Heard what?

Tunde Kelani is back from New York. He was there for an International Film Festival.

So? That’s stale news.

What do you mean ‘so’? Isn’t that one of the greatest things to have happened to our local movie industry? The West is finally appreciating us.

That’s not breaking news, Mr Man! O.K… maybe I shouldn’t talk like that, it’s just that I’m more concerned about the new Nollywood…..sorry to say this o, but Kelani cannot stand near these new guys. Idumota will look like slow motion beside them.

What are you talking about?…what new Nollywood?

Haven’t you heard of the award-winning THE KIDNAP 1 & 2 starring Ngi Ige and Ubah….directed by Taf Balogs, and produced by Power to the People Productions?

Oh, I didn’t know you meant that Nollywood. Of course I know them like the back of my hands. Bet you don’t know half as much as me. Tell me, have you seen EKITI IN LONDON. That Fay Ose is really talented. He’s one of the most explosive debutants.

And very prolific too. THE HOSTAGES and EKITI IN LONDON all within a few weeks of each other. But he still can’t compare with Carl Orji. The guy is simply amazing. If you’ve seen THE ABOMINABLE THREAT you’ll agree with me. Now he has come again with NO APOLOGY.

Yes. I have been following him right from early in his career when he played the lead role in NDIGBO MESSIAH.

What do you think of the anticlimactic ending of Jamie Iborie’s THE CONVICT. I’m waiting for a sequel y’know. I hope it doesn’t end up a flop.

Reminds me of Laa Awal’s BUKOLA OMO DADDY. Flop of the millennium.

Were you at the Premiere of Pete O. Dili’s adaptation of ODUDUWA. That was the most celebrity studded Premiere I’ve ever attended in my life. Imagine, Pete got The Ooni to play a major role.

But you know these moviemakers, after some time, they begin to just rehash the same old ideas. See Bola “Chicago” Ahmed for example. He has also come out with his own THE THREAT. He says Bode Georgio inspired him.

That title is one of the clichés of the Other Nollywood. It comes in all variants – THE THREAT, ABOMINABLE THREAT, KILLER THREAT, DANGEROUS THREAT, FINAL THREAT, ENDLESS THREAT, SUPER THREAT, EMPTY THREAT, DOUBLE THREAT, DENIED THREAT…

Another major problem with all these movies is their faddish nature. They rarely stand the test of time. Here today, gone tomorrow. Look at SECURITY BREACH for example. That is the most expensive, intriguing, action-packed explosive movie in recent times. It was shot in Kirikiri and Aso Villa. But look at it, the hype is dying fast.

I feel Ali Mustaph’s problem is that he is too restless a director. He never takes his time with his movies to see them to completion before he has hopped after another idea.

That’s the problem of over-creative scriptwriters and directors.

And that’s why all his movies seem unfinished, half-baked. MASTERMINDER was almost a huge success. I guess the death of his mentor really has affected him.

That’s right. Abba Acha is the undisputable Ogunde of the Other Nollywood.

How many of his movies can you name?

C’mon. even an idiot would reel off an impressive number.

Abeg! Story too much. Just name them.

THE RISE AND FALL OF ERNEST, LEPROUS FINGERS, WHO DOES THE CAP FIT, MOST WANTED (and its endless sequels), WEEPING GENERALS, KANO SUYA, FIRST DAUGHTER, ASEWO TO RE INDIA (his last major work). He was so hardworking he died on the set of the movie.

Not bad. We’ll continue from there later. I have to go now. Dedibu’s GREEDY GOMINA is premiering tonight. I’m supposed to do a review for my paper.

Ol’boy. Na soso review you dey do. When will you begin to produce your own movies.

Why are you talking like this. You should know better

Know what?

That it’s damn expensive to produce a quality movie in Nigeria. And by quality I mean intriguing, controversial….. it’s only politicians who have those kind of resources….

Haven’t you heard of low budget movies……. Anyway, I have started working on my own o. It’s titled THE GODFATHERS ARE NOT TO BLAME. I’m trying to see if I can get Ubah, Dedibu, Chief S.A.R Aki, Nwo Bodo, Eme Offor and others to star in it. All proceeds will of course go to charity.

That’s creative of you o. now you have set me thinking. I’ll ask W.S if I can borrow the title of his play The Beatification Of Area Boy…

Now, wait a minute, I’m not too sure that’s a good idea.

Why?

Everyone can tell how the film’s gonna end even without watching it. As it is, I can already tell you who you are thinking of as possible lead actors.

Who?

Fayo Ose of course, and Carl Orji.

How did you guess…hmmm… I’ll have to think up another title then.

I’d have recommended Aremu Sanjo as an actor too but he is busy promoting his own latest release.

Which one this time?

THE CHRISTIAN IDIOT. He shot it in Plateau state.

Doesn’t sound like something I would enjoy watching…

Going back to the issue of possible titles for your movie, if it were to be a movie on our senators I’d have suggested you steal T.K.’s title CAMPUS QUEEN.

Why? What’s the correlation?

Haven’t you heard of how fond of playing sugar daddy our senators are?

Are they the only ones? You want to tell me you haven’t played sugar daddy before?

That was then man! In the pre-AIDS era. Old things have passed away y’know.

Amen! Look, I really have to go now. My editor will skin me alive if I get there late.

Okay. Flash me sometime. Okay?

I will. Before you go, let’s have a toast to the largest, most ambitious film producer in black Africa

And who do you think that is?

Power to the People productions, of course

You’re damn right!

For they are jolly good fellows, for they are jolly good fellows.