Thirty Minutes Lunch With Bin Laden

The new millennium had dawned and the world looked forward to pursuing the millennium development goals (MDGs) and countries across the continents had bought into the grand design for a new world. But long before the MDGs became popular, a group of young Arabs had another millennial goal; to deflate the bubble of America‘s invincibility. They are a ragtag army that took guerrilla warfare to a higher dimension. They had no need for combat aircrafts nor felt constrained to acquire anti-aircraft missiles. They lived in human cellars with intertwining networks that were routed like nerves that traversed nations and tribes. Like a cascade of bioelectric potential, their lethal ideas boarded and traveled with first class passengers that landed on New York‘s twin towers; September 11 was born and the millennium was heralded by a phenomenon that outclassed a catastrophe. An ordinary man of noble birth has towered above the villains of World War II and the Cold War to change the course of the new millennium. We heard his voice in a muffled tone from a recorded video message, but his power crossed territorial restrictions and his name has become a harbinger of fear and dread, and he’s loathed as the snag to the world’s millennial peace and security. America‘s security networks, borders and immigration laws have now been rendered non-sacrosanct!
Bin Laden; the child of a woman; and the son of a man! For his sake, Sadam Hussein was snuffed out of the cave and hanged by the gallows in Iraq without breaking his will for evil and havoc. His death has inspired many to hallow and revere terrorism to the point that Iraq‘s streets and alleys have become booby-traps and open theatres of death for American and Allied troops. From West Bank, to Eastern Beirut, stretching across the arid plains of Pakistan to the jagged edges of the mountainous terrains of Afghanistan, Bin Laden’s voice reverberates and sends men and women to their early graves in company of thousands of innocent souls. If the young men are consumed with the sublime promise of a horde of virgins with bloated bosoms, how about the young women that strap their bodies with grenades and bombs? Are they also inflamed with the passion to be romantically swept off their feet by princes on shiny armor? Bin Laden has become the world’s anathema and the solution to our paradoxes; the most influential leader of humanity’s 21st century!

George Bush had placed a ransom on Bin Laden and for 7 years has not seen the sloughs left behind by the latter in his tracks. Bin is no coward even though he has chosen to live in the obscurity of his hiding tent. This goal that Bush envisioned and pursued has so eluded him for the two tenures he called the shots at Washington. Obama or McCain will now inherit this legend of Bin Laden when either of them packs his personal effects into the White House come 2009. Belatedly Bush has realized his folly and how powerful an ideology can be. For ideas rule the world and dictate the course of history and civilization. Americans have realized to their chagrin how vain it is to use military might to fight an ideology. Like spiritual warfare, the ideological war of terrorism is fought beyond the fringes of our circumscribed cosmos called the global village. Just like Adolph Hitler propagated the supremacy of the Aryan race, Bin Laden has changed the historical trajectory of the 21st century. War has moved from the shores of Europe and into the hearts and minds of thousands we call terrorists, while we constantly live in dread as the terrorized victims.

How do we change the course of terrorism and covert its potency to become the dynamo that will propel the engine that is needed to drive humanity towards the shores of our egalitarian dreams? Rather than set security alerts at an all time high, what Bin Laden needs is just a lunch invite. Not at MacDonald’s or a 5-star hotel in the Caribbean. Bin would prefer a lunch under the boughs of a Bedouin tent with no telescopes or snipers gazing at him. No bombers should be allowed to stir the restful dusts of the sandy dunes that he last saw as a kid in Arabian peninsular. First he would like a sip of freshly brewed Arabian tea. He would like to fiddle with the beards of the camels that carried him from his hiding place. He would like to take the lead in drawing the agenda for the chit-chat with the active participation of his scions and puppets. He would like to be first heard so he can express his heart unequivocally. He would like to carry the sacred book from where he ostensibly draws the inspiration that has shaped his ideology and I will be sure to oblige him. I will allow him to vet his anger and fury over the policies of America and the West. I will be sure to allow him denounce his Arab brethren for allowing Americans to desecrate the holy grounds of Arabian for 30 shekels of silver and armor. I would permit him to pour vituperations on the policies of Israel against the Palestinians.
Bin Laden will have the floor for the first half of the 30 minutes, but before the lunch ends, I will seek his permission to speak for once. I will first praise him for being the world’s greatest leader who has dictated the course of the 21st century’s history and politics. I will humbly ask like a hungry student how he came up with the idea of terrorism that has inspired thousands to hate life and love death over and above the joys of living. That fear of death which we all so dread until we are lulled to the graveyard, have now become the greatest passion of Bin Laden’s men and women. I will seek to know how he got the inspired idea that erased the twin towers that symbolized America‘s towering capitalism that has enslaved the poor but enriched the affluent. I will burnish his ego and eulogize his genius that has broken all scientific permutations. So will I speak in a manner that shows empathy, respect and sympathy for his cause with no undertone of condemnation. His bravery will be highlighted and his sense of self-sacrifice will I hallow and openly acknowledge.

I will tell him how much the world is in need of his purposeful leadership to steer us into the promised land of modern civilization. Like the thief who resists stealing the goat kept in his custody, I will sell the idea of pursuing world peace with him as the pillar and foundation upon which it would be built. I will encourage him to transform his ubiquitous but hidden terrorist cells into an ideas laboratory where solutions to the world’s complex developmental challenges would be conceived. The hip straps where bombs and grenades were hitherto strapped will become belts of truth and human kindness. The grenades will be pimped with nuggets of wisdom and the bombs will be laden with capsules of love and forgiveness that will be dropped into the hearts of the villains and their victims. We will talk about the world’s energy crisis and he will appeal to the consciences of OPEC chieftains on how they can be their brothers’ keepers since they also depend on the goods and services of their fellow humans. He would be given a base in United Arab Emirates to operate from since he would need to earn the trust of Washington, Brussels, London and Riyadh before they make him retreat into the trenches prematurely.

At the end of the lunch, we will hug like brothers who had so missed as much as hurt each other. Tears might stroll down our cheeks but it won’t be out of sorrow but the nostalgia of missing him all the while he was in hiding. Rather it would be like the drop of the Dew of Hermon that trickles down the holy mount when brothers shed their war cloaks and live together as one. Like the tears that streamed down the cheeks of Esau after he made up with his trickster brother, Jacob who had robbed him of his birth right and the blessing of their father which he was to receive as the first born. He would see how much the world had been pained by the pain and anger that drove him to the Alps of Afghanistan to team up with the Mujahudeens whom he transformed into the Al Qaeda Force.

He would see how grandiose it would be to turn them into an Army of Liberation that will overthrow despots and wicked rulers in Africa and across the world. He would thereafter make a live broadcast and pronouncement from the studious of Al Jazereal that will be aired on CNN, Fox News, BBC, Reuters, and many other stations that will not sell the broadcast rights to those with smaller areas of coverage. He would recognize Israel‘s sovereignty so they can sleep peacefully without fear of rockets sending them to safety bunkers, and Hamas will begin to run a credible and people-oriented government within the national boundaries of New Palestine. He will not end the broadcast without stretching a hand of peace that will deflate the terrorist phobia that has made American people and their leaders feel miserable for years. But this will only be after our lunch has ended so long as George Bush doesn’t interrupt the free flow of our heart-to-heart talk that will benefit our world.

To assure Americans of Bin’s sincerity, men who have brought goodwill to the world will be present at the world press conference which the sage, Nelson Mandela will moderate, and Bill Gates will be an observer whose boyish smile cannot be easily feigned. At the end, The Bin Laden’s Foundation for World Peace (BLFWP) will be inaugurated and presented to the entire world. All former terrorists and their collaborators will become willing volunteers whose reward will no longer be virgins with bloated breasts because they will fall and experience pristinely brewed romantic love in the bosom of undefiled virgins and maidens while on earth; and will drink fresh wine expressed from the bunches of Mediterranean grapevines!

Following the public presentation and inauguration of BLFWP, the volunteers after their intensive re-orientation program would be posted to serve in Nigeria. Their primary assignment is to address the perennial leadership problem in this country. This perennial problem has caused billions of dollars to be wasted on frivolous projects and schemes in the power, transport/aviation, health, education, agriculture, and other major sectors of our economy. They will prepare the ground for the All Nigerian Leaders Special Breakfast Meeting with Bin Laden at the State House Banquet Hall in Abuja. All PDP and Opposition Party leaders, State Governors and Members of the two Legislative Houses, LGA ‘selected’ officials, captains of manufacturing industries, bank chiefs and insurance groups, and representatives of all the constituencies and stakeholders from the grassroots. Market women, artisans, farmers and the scum of the society will for the first time eat from the tables that our leaders have been dining for ages, and will relish the joy of eating a bit of the much-hoarded national cake which generations of Nigerian leaders have feasted ravaged because of their wanton appetite for filthy lucre.

With all seated, Bin Laden will speak on the ‘Principles of Servant Leadership” which Yardua has been grappling to understand for over a year to no avail. He will address the rulers (leaders) on the irrepressible and transforming power of ideas, and why powerful ideas have always outlived the men and women that created them. He will teach them how noble ideas and purposeful thinking can be used to create societies and cultures that define everything that exists. He will tell them the strategies he used to make young men abandon the pursuit of career only to blow up their bodies into smithereens for a cause they are passionate about. He would teach them the steps that can be adopted to create a visionary future and how the general public can be recruited and convinced to live for the sake of posterity by sacrificing their own desires and rights for the good of all. He will teach them how to do strategic planning and how to maintain the momentum and staying power needed when ideas are being transformed to visible plans and goals; that ultimately are implemented as policies and projects for the good of the public.

Like the ‘public servant’ called Zacchaeus who returned all that money he looted and stole from the public coffer after his ‘lunch with Jesus Christ, many would heed Bin Laden’s call and might do the noble act of breaking and emptying the fortified vaults where they had lodged our stolen public funds which they are storing for their children and children’s children. Though our leaders have had lunch and breakfasts in the past with Popes, Cardinals, Bishops and Priests, and shared podium with pastors, this umpteenth lunch with Bin Laden will be sure to change them for good. He will help them dream big such that they can become so obsessed with the picture of a New Nigeria where truth, integrity, fairness, justice, equity, and excellence are given the chance to dictate the direction of the society. They will strip themselves of the cloak of greed that covers their insecurities and the foreboding fear of the imminent encroachment of poverty. He will make them know there is really no difference between politics and the drive towards economic development.

And after Bin’s passionate and insightful speech, his ex-terrorists would share their experience on how they became transformed under the purposeful leadership of Bin the Big Boss and Servant Leader. They would sincerely talk sense into our leaders of modern Nigeria on the need to discontinue the use that abhor able sound of sirens by security men who weep hapless citizens whenever they unashamedly strut round our busy streets with their political sycophants and entourage. In order not to precociously expose the ignorance of our beloved president on the duties of a servant-leader, Bin will have a closed-door lunch timeout with Mr. President where he will breakdown in simplified tenses, how Jesus Christ thought his 12 disciples the principles of servant leadership. And after the lunch, Bin Laden would be free to depart the shores of Nigeria back to his hallowed base in Dubai where his Foundation’s headquarters building is being constructed by the best of engineers, architects and foremen. Nigeria will begin its march to greatness once again, and every Nigerian at Home and Diaspora will walk with his/her shoulders high for being a part of the “Proudly New Nigerian Breed.”