To Date A Married Man

In the generation before ours, and in the generation before the generation before ours, there were people – men and women – who questioned if marital fidelity truly existed. And now, in this generation, here I am, among many others, questioning the same issue, wondering if it is just an ideology instead of an actual day of life.

There have been many cases of married men who have come to speak the words to me that in their heads, no woman can say no to: I want to marry you. There have been men who have tried to pretend to be unmarried, men who have said they are unmarried but quickly explained why their wives have made it an unbearable marriage, and why I, have been sent by God to save them, and there have been men who have sat on the fence, not saying what they are or aren’t, but playing with the idea of being whatever they thought I wanted them to be. But every single time, I am left wondering what kind of women they are married to and what said women are going through.

I remember specifically the case of that guy in church. He had moved to Maryland from another State, and it was his first time visiting my church. He approached me and tried to sell his business to me, saying he could help my own business. At the end, business cards were exchanged. That evening he called and sang a different song. He wanted to know if he could take me to dinner, and if I could be his mistress. Brownie points for not being pretentious.

I learned a lot from him in that one conversation. I learned that he was married with kids, that his wife was pompous and thereby, the inherent cause of his displeasure and dissatisfaction, that monogamy was unnatural, that biblical men were never monogamous (like David), that infidelity actually makes a marriage stronger because when a man sleeps with another woman, it makes his wife more desirable, that he was going to give me money out of his school stipend whenever I needed it, that all I needed to do for him was keep him company by cooking for him, going on dates with him, and of course, letting him invade my privacy with the only appendage that makes him think he’s a man, and finally, that he will let me get married when it’s time. It was just the offer of my dreams. I cannot imagine why I turned it down.

But it was only a couple weeks later that he stood on the altar and sold his product to church, praising the Most High God, and saying how imperative it was to live a holy life and obey His word. And the congregation, they clapped for him and shouted alleluia, amen, and glory. And when he was done, they invested their hard earned money into his cock shit. They called it a sowed seed. I knew better. I sat and watched in horror as he led God’s people astray. And then, I prayed for God to help me, for it was not my place to determine if the ground should open up and swallow him or if lightening should strike through the ceiling and transport his soul to his forefathers.

There are many arguments from the other side, arguments that pass off as excuses, not justifications. Just because we can do something does not mean we should do it. But the other side, they have different reasons why a married man cheats. It is because his wife has gotten fat, because she cares more about her career than she does about her home, because she did not give him children, because she did not give him male children, because she is disrespectful and not submissive, because she does not cook, and because there are women who are willing to be cheated with.

As long as there are women who are willing to be cheated with, married men will always cheat. Should we then all point guns to our heads because there are guns willing to be shot, because we have the hands to shoot them, and because we have enough problems to want to end it all? When a man who is unable to handle the trials of life decides to take his own life, he is called a punk for taking the easy way out. But if this same man were to take the easy way out by cheating on his wife instead of just walking away, he is called *DRUM ROLL, PLEASE* … a man! Oh, but of course.

It was only last month that I made the acquaintance of Abiodun ‘Omoba’ Olubode at a mutual friend’s house. He calls himself Omoba. He was there with his wife and son. The conversation between me and Omoba did not go past gadgets. Specifically, Blackberry and Nikon. I saw him again a couple of weeks later at a naming ceremony where again, he inquired of my Nikon flash. When he added me on Facebook, I accepted because he was now officially someone I technically knew.

But Omoba sent me a Facebook message that changed the dynamic of things. He said he had dreamt about me twice the night before, that he thought there was something about me, that he did not know how to tell his partner, that he wanted me to keep his feelings between us –“no third party please” – and what did I think. I did not reply.

When listeners added me on Skype during the live show on Saturday morning, I accepted everyone as usual, only to realize that Omoba was one of the people who added me. The hawk had sneaked in with the chickens. He wanted to know my number, if I had received his messages on Facebook, why I had not replied his messages, and if I was worried about his marital status. I promised to reply his message on Facebook.

Days later, I had still not replied Omoba, and he took it upon himself to send several more messages, inquiring of my whereabouts and stating that he was sure I could not possibly be that busy. Of course not. What else could I have on my to-do list, but to reply Omoba’s messages?

Women have more reasons than I know of for dating married men: money, sex, love, infatuation, good looks, prestige, fun, lack of commitment, ignorance, etc. It is said that if one must eat a frog, then one should eat a very fat one. Neither wealth nor fame nor extreme good looks nor intellectual acquisition did Omoba have. Even at rock bottom, I would have no excuse. But what is it that compels his confidence?

When I replied his message and included a four-letter word that rhymes with his insatiable meatless appendage – the possible cause of all his problems – I also predicted his next move. And just like the fly that entered the grave with the dead body, he did as I said he would. He said it was not him, that he did not know what I was talking about, that his Facebook and Skype accounts were both simultaneously hacked, and that I should please explain to him what was going on. In spite of his alleged innocence, he went ahead to call several mutual friends, telling them to plead his guilty case. The smart ones knew better.

Whether or not women have – by their words and by their actions – enabled their husbands to start illicit affairs is not a subject for debate. The honest ones among us know what we have done and what we are capable of doing. That said, the decision to stay faithful and stick it out or seek pleasure elsewhere is still the man’s decision. It is still a choice, and just like every other choice, the one making it has to own full responsibility for it. And not every man has an enabling wife. Some men just want to eat out of both hands.

Omoba’s wife contacted me to commit the ultimate blunder, an epic fail in its entirety. Her husband, according to her, would never stoop so low. I agree with her. It is impossible to stoop to any kind of low when you are already at the bottom. There is only one time that a married woman should contact the alleged other woman, and that is when her husband has done everything in his power to get rid of her. In any other case, contacting the other woman is like changing her light bulb when there is no electricity. Whether she uses sixty watts, hundred watts, or halogen lights, they will remain off. She can contact the other woman from now till kingdom come, but he who contacts her last, contacts her best. And that would be the cheatin

g husband.

If this entire piece reads as if I mostly hold the married man accountable for his affairs, it is because I do. Morally, it is clear that no woman should be romantically or sexually involved with a married man who is not her husband. But between the lawless woman and the married man, only one of them has made a vow and commitment to another woman saying that he will forsake all others and cling only to his wife, saying that he will stick by her, come what may, till life evades him. Records will reflect that that person is not the lawless woman.

People may be quick to blame the other woman, calling her a whore and a home breaker, but it is from the crack in the wall that the lizard crawls in. If the married man did not open the door of his home, the other woman would not be able to step in and do whatever she is accused of doing.

But what do I know? I am just an unmarried girl giving marital advice. I may soon be directed to go hug a transformer. If it is Optimus Prime, then I would not mind.

Written by
Vera Ezimora
Join the discussion

  • My thoughts exactly. Very well written. I’ve had a bf for 2 years now that is more Nigeria. He lives in North America. He hasn’t said he wants to go home to marry. At first I was heartbroken. His next statemnet was that he would like to keep me as his North American counter part. I asked this man, what value do you place on marriage if you are already deciding to step outside of the vow you swore to take? And what kind of women would I be to allow a married man in my bed. He had no response. I agree we need to have higher values as women and kick those married men right back to where they belong, with their wife.

  • Great piece girl. I loved every word of it. Please permit me to re-post it on my blog. I’m married and I believe that if there were no women for married men to cheat with, they’ll soon learn that those cravings of theirs would and should be satisfied with the wife of their youth – period.

    As proverbs says: Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.

    It is possible.

  • Hear! Hear! Thank you for telling it as it is. The only person who owes me loyalty is my husband (except it’s my friend or relative) so I never understand the wife going to the mistress to fight. Those who say the wife got fat, didn’t cook & other such nonsense & therefore caused her husband to stray are stupid! If a woman’s strays cos her husband did not provide funds as the breadwinner she is tagged a gold digger. Double standards!

  • Great stuff Vera! I enjoyed it thoroughly, swinging between disgust for the twerp and pity for his missus whilst having a real good laugh myself. Your writing style is excellent. I must say though that I believe women have the major role to play by setting high moral standards so that such men would not even dare to broach sordid topics with them. Imagine if every woman reacted to any “Omoba” in the manner you did…….enough said.

  • The though process of most men (married or otherwise) while trying to gain access to your great cozy “Yash” has nothing to do with their relationship status. It is about ego, selfishness, and the fact that, the normal blood flow to their brains reverses to a southward direction to their penis, as well as the fact that dumb women you allow them easy access.

    Granted that most women would respond favorably to “I want to marry you,” and would settle for lower standards and expectations because of the proverbial ticking of the biological clock, greed, more than anything, is the motive of most women dating married men. Some delusional ones even think that the married man is looking outside because he is not happy at home, and that they stand great chances of replacing the wife by serving the man’s needs, only to find out that the men invariably (always) remain with their wives after many wasted years.

    The balancing cat of dating a married man is injurious to a young woman’s life, and is always a lost cause. If you can’t find yourself a man, you will always play second fiddle. You would not see him you want, but only when he can.

  • Vera Ezimora; Bravo! Bravo!! Bravo!!! In this age of confusion and permissive moral laxity, it is heartening to read about moral clarity from the perspective of a moral woman. With few words, you have shown that morality doesn’t really need extensive commentaries to be understood by those who want to understand it. I guess Shakespeare was right: brevity is the soul of wit.

    About the only addition I can make to your lovely piece is that your argument goes for married women as well. There are many married women these days who, through their employment mostly, date married and single men or even other single or married women! They are just as morally rotten as their male counterparts.

    If I wasn’t married I would track you down by any means necessary. I would then go on my knees with the hope that you would find me adequate enough for you to spend the rest of your life with. Because as far as I am concerned, your piece has shown to me the most desirable part in a life partner: a beautiful and moral mind. Have a great, lovely and wonderful day; sister.