When A Woman Loves A Man

by Felix-Abrahams Obi

“There are three things which are too wonderful for me,
Yes four which I do not understand:
The way of an eagle in the air
The way of a serpent on a rock
The way of a ship in the midst of the sea
And the way of a man with a maiden” (Proverbs 30:18-19)

Whoever coined that word, love must have thought deeply to have known it’s an all pervasive word. Like they say, “love makes the world go round” and little wonder an ancient sage called Agur (quoted above), could not fathom the mystery surrounding the love between a man and a woman.

Agur’s headache bothered on “Man meets Woman”, but the subject of my contemplation for quite some time is rather the mystery of “Woman Meets Man”. When a man loves a woman, his love sometimes gets tainted and subsumed by his base instincts. He becomes consumed by what he wants out of the relationship over and above the needs of the woman. And once his base interests and desires are satiated at the expense of the woman’s, he smiles at his luck and moves on unperturbed. Rather than have a symbiotic give and take situation, it becomes a winner takes it all scenario.

And who ends up hurting? Your guess may be as right as mine. He leaves hurting hearts in his wake most times and the victim usually is, the “woman that he once loved”. But when a guy loves a woman and the love is unrequited, hell is let lose. He’d mock and deride the object of his love, and God save her soul if he’s not the type that is short tempered. After all, it’s a masculine world though feminists have made some progress in their fight for gender equality.

Many a male chauvinist are wont to hit back and quip, “Do you know how many countless men that went the way of Death and Hades because of the women they loved?” I never trained as an attorney and wouldn’t vouchsafe any defense for the male folks. My little bit is to zero in on how I’ve perceived Daughters of Eve and the little insight I have gained from their version of love, not necessarily contrasted to Adam’s Sons that we are! It’s been a fascinating experience as I thought about the Love a Woman has for a Man: the emotional dynamics, the travails and triumphs, the vagaries and mysteries, the joys and the pains etc!

Ego became engaged as a teenager to Emeka, the President of her Youth Fellowship in church. Upon entering the university, she realized she had been naïve about her decision, but she hung on till after graduation. She couldn’t continue anymore and her fiancé unleashed his emotional armory against her. It was a major battle for her during her NYSC until she met Jide who became her friend and was a big brother figure to her. Jide was her counselor and confidant with whom she shared her emotional turmoils. He didn’t know he’d so much touched her until it was time for her to go back to base after the NYSC. Upon her request, he came to bid her goodbye. So they chatted and reminisced on the past year. Thereafter he stood up to leave…Ego began to sulk and her tear sac burst as she cried,” Jide will I ever meet a trusted friend like you in Lagos?” She clung unto him like a child that is scared-stiff and wouldn’t let him go. He was stunned to say the least for he had never seen such an unrestrained emotional side of his born again fellowship friend. Their friendship was purely platonic and devoid of romance and all the pecks in it.

Nkiru, the daughter of a rich Ibo business man, and red-capped chief stunned her parents when she opted to marry her heartthrob, Ike, who hailed from a very poor and obscure background. Prior to the wedding, he had lost his bank job and was not a man of means. But she stuck to him at the risk of being disowned by her parents, and reasoned that life would be so bland and loathe-some if she married someone else. She couldn’t literally think of ever falling in love with another man. Rather than a society wedding which her parents dreamt of, she had no other option than a quiet one at the registry. Her mum sneaked out to witness her daughters wedding which had no  guests let alone a reception. Her love for Ike triumphed!

Amaka who works with an Oil Company was engaged to Dipo, whom she met in her local church. He was a struggling guy who had no much economic base, but she loved him dearly and was ready to help him achieve his dreams. She introduced him to some of her friends who’re into business and ploughed much of her savings into the business. Soon the fruits began to yield and Dipo became a Lagos Big Boy, riding the latest Porsche car in town. No sooner, his gaze changed, and he lost interest in Amaka. The deed was done and he left Amaka’s heart in shreds when he took the exit door.

Ugochi was a shy teenager when she met Chisom, her elder brother’s friend, whom she had a crush for. They were in Med School while she was in secondary school. She’d blush each time he visits their home, and her heart often missed its beat. She felt what she’s never felt before and she secretly wished he’d know about how she felt about him. Just before she entered the University, Chisom asked her out and the love affair blossomed and being her first, she lost her innocence in the bid to prove her love for him. Now married 4 years down the line to her former coursemate/boyfriend, she still would not forget Chisom, her first love!

Like Agur the sage, I am still benumbed each time I contemplate on the love women have for men. Why do women love with all their being? Why would a woman who has been cheated by her boyfriend/fiancé, or husband always make excuses for him, while accusing his partner in crime, i.e. the other woman? Why would a young girl date an older man just to make enough money to groom her younger lover? Why would a teenage girl slip out of her parents’ morale walls just to laugh and be cuddle by her boyfriend at the dark alley at night? Why would a woman laugh over, yet believe all the lies and bragging heroics of her “pauper” boyfriend when a serious-minded guy wants her badly?

I am all the more amused than miffed at this “sisters act” which many a woman premiere each time a new guy waltz into her life. She may have been brooding over a failed relationship and promised “not to love another man again”. What with the many heart breaks she had suffered in the hands of guys she thought had loved her deeply.  Without warning, another bloke; tall, handsome, well built and with a soothing baritone voice comes her way. No sooner had he bestrode her path than her heart begins to skip and reel in love again. She throws her 2 or 3-year old resolution aboard and allows the rhythm of love to grip her again. Once subsumed in love, she offers and gives her best as a memento of her love. Oftentimes, her best is all she’s got; her precious body! She may struggle with guilt feelings but what else would she offer? For her, sex is more than a trip to Pleasure Land; it’s a part of her sacredness hence she gives it to her man at will.

While the wait for the engagement ring lingers, she hears of his “exploits” and the news that he’s engaged to another woman, who swept him off his feet. She hopes against hope that her beloved will come back for her riding on his White Horse. She keeps hope alive even as the flickering flames of love whimper towards being extinguished. And if she loved him so much, she won’t give another man a chance until he slips in the “Mrs. Ring” into the other woman’s left ring finger. She may end up marrying a man whom she never really loved for her love had gone with her ex!

The downsides notwithstanding, one of the greatest motivations a guy can experience is th

e assurance of a woman’s love. It can inspire poems of the avante garde genre. She may hide it as long as she can but her voice, her eyes and actions would betray her no sooner. She may not understand why she picks her phone to call him before she sleeps at night. She laughs at his dry jokes, sends him tender texts and loves to hang out and peer into his riveting eyes. And when he doesn’t reply her calls and texts, she tells herself, “ He must have been too busy at work, or that his wicked boss may be on his neck again”. But how could men be so clueless!!!

She is very religious, resolute and strict and won’t let any guy mess around with her. Her moral codes and bye-laws are etched on the marble of her heart; no hugs, pecks or a lingering touch! No male visitors are allowed beyond 9pm in her apartment. Yet she’d so much relish the company of her man that he would actually sleep over till the next day. Her love for God fights a lost battle with the enthralling love for her man. With him, there is no act or scene with the toga of sin!

He may have even ditched her many months back. She had cried and “moved on” with her life. Then someday she bumps into him at a bank. She braces up to forget he ever existed. After her cries at night, she picks up her phone and dials a number. Alas!, it’s the voice of her ex- that bellows across. She pinches herself again wondering why she blew her cool resolve again. She had sworn not to call him again, but she just did…and it’s not so much of his fault as much as it’s hers. Because she had fought the idea of deleting his number when he dumped her. But would her love for him not fight her?

By weekend, he shows up by her apartment looking contrite and sullen. On bent knees he reels out his flowery regrets and apologies of how he became captive to another woman’s love. He reminds her of the joy and sweet memories of the past they shared together. How they built an enviable relationship that had a future, before tragedy struck. She knew he must be lying but her bowels of love begins to simmer, and soon overwhelms her. Amidst sobs and tears, she welcomes him because she has never loved another man like him, not even those who genuinely loved her…

This kind of love is one that I am yet to fathom. A love often without reason, save the usual “he’s nice and caring”. A love that gives more than it takes from a man; the object of her love. A love that is patient and believes the best for her man. A love that doubts rumor mongers, and forgives even when the rumor is proven as veritable moral sin against her by her man. The love that a widow has that wont let her marry another man, unlike a widower would. A love that loves, in spite of…

As I reflect on this, I now reckon that in Women did God leave a semblance of His Love for Man. A love that wipes away the goriness of sin, in all its manifestations. A love that gives without measure. A love so re-assuring to not take vengeance against unrequited love….and much more. When love becomes sacrificial and “self imploding” like God’s, then we can attest to the fact that it is divine; not an offspring of mere mortals!

It is when a woman loves a man, that we see vestiges of God’s love in action .For in spite of the frailties and imperfection of human love, God’s love shines in all its sublimity. How could the earth be revolving on its axis with all the evil and injustice perpetrated by man against man, and women against women. With all the volatile hatred that abounds, God’s wrath has not consumed us all. I am as guilty as the nest trap guy or villain.

Still, I willingly submit that this kind of “womanic love” has bewildered and overwhelmed my intellectual capacity till date. In surrender…I bow out!

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Ekene January 27, 2011 - 11:30 am

Hmmm…you do have a very good understanding of women and i hope this understanding guides you in your relationships. I think almost every woman has at some point or the other been a victim of this self-destructive kind of love. Yeah…self-destructive becos it can only destroy you. We know that the WORD says…..the gift of God, it maketh rich and HE addeth no sorrow to it. So if that man is a gift from God….there will be no sorrow added to the relationship. Women must learn to have value for their lives and learn to allow only those who value them to get close to them. Yes, i understand….i wont call him anymore, and yet you do…..i wont text him anymore, and yet you do, i’ll move on, and you dont. Sister, just look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself what you TRULY want……and TELL YOURSELF THE TRUTH. Its not bad to admit to yourself that the guy doesnt love you anymore. It doesnt make you less significant just becos someone fell out of love with you. Most times women cling to what could have been……and simply refuse to see what is. This is simply addiction and must be dealt with as such.

blessing April 2, 2008 - 10:55 pm

great. I believe a lot of women have self esteem issues going on. we need to address it. I believe God is looking for strong Deborah’s in our generation who will not be tossed about by all manner of doctrine including the sweet talk of believer. If we value ourselves we would not hang with loosers. just a thought.

Ralph January 7, 2007 - 3:34 pm

This is a really great piece of intellectual romance put together to get men bewildered about the things love can actually do & is capable of. Women are just who they are and it can't be changed. Utmostly true enough, they've got the exact semblance of the Almighty's love in them and they willingly give out, without measure to their prey -so to say- to keep them in their tender care till eternity.

Pls i personally need more articles like this… just nobly send it to ralph88pro@hotmail.com.

jenn December 20, 2006 - 12:51 pm

I just wanted to say.. WOW.. and thank you for opening my eyes.

Chiddy December 14, 2006 - 12:30 pm

Very deep.Nice article,I have often asked myself why women love like that.I have loved once in my life but it didn't work out.I used to want pick my phone and call but I deleted his number so as to keep myself from that temptation and descration of pride.I'm one of those that believe a person can only love once and when and if I eventually get married,I'll just do it out of necessity not love.Believe me,that scares me!

halal3k@yahoo.com December 13, 2006 - 10:42 am

Thanks Bennie for your kind comments.Let me share some of the comments I got from some female friends I had sent the article to…


Whaoo!! I have no words to express how I feell right now. This is truly a beautiful piece. God bless you for sharing such inspiring gift. Thank you.


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beautiful piece Felix….. i must agree with you..i'm not sure why we "womenfolk" do the things we do whenit comes to love..its mind boggling… my only thought is from genesis where the Lord told Eve..her desire will be toward her husband..i think it goes deeper than just a husband but to man in general especially when a woman has been smitten by love….its really deep…but you know God knows why we are the way we are….

i must say you have a good understanding of women…you' ll make an exceptional husband to a lady someday….. .absolutely amazing…

Blessings, Moji.

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Wow! This is good – I gues that verse, the curse to Eve rings true – …your desire shall be for the man and he shall rule over you.' Thank God for Jesus who has released us from the curse of the law!



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wow! i really feel like writing in response to this. don't even know where to start. i agree on some points and disagree on a lot of others.the kind of love you are describing here is not love at all (at least in my opinion and in my housemate's opinion as well ). it s an addiction that is self destructive. it s like drinking or drug addiction. You know it s wrong but you just need to do it. It does resemble love but it s not. it stems from a vacuum that should have been rightly filled by God. So they try hard to fill it to no avail. They get broken. A woman… a woman of strenght blesses a man with her love..cos she loves herself and will not be self destructive and she loves God .so yes she does love selflessly but not self destructively. She has learnt when to dust her skirt and rise from the dust and move on. she learns when to say yes and when to say no. She has her standards. She knows her life is not in the words of a man. when she does accept his love, she does not choke him. He is freed in her love. Like TD Jakes said…when she is a solo she is perfect and if she chooses to be a duet…she is the sweetest harmony (paraphrasing) . And the rest… but the word 'love' in the use of this destructive relationships pinched like sour grapes.

who knows, if am so moved, i might write on this later.

for once, big brother, i don't totally agree with your opinions.

take care.


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Just finished reading your article. Sorry, but if you were trying to be patronising to the womenfolks by that writing, i'm grossly unimpressed. Sorry, you could call me a feminist or whatever, but in these days women are hardly the picture you painted. We've learnt to look out for ourselves, cos the man sure won't. A sad sad world, yeah, but that's the world is. No one remains a fool for ever. & mind you, marriage is not the end of the story. It's just the beginning of another. Sooner or later, that woman who cuts that angelic pictures learns very fast that apart from her chidren the one to look out for is herself, so any sacrifice she makes she makes not out of an 'undying love' for her man, but for the goals she hopes to archieve. So, i say, wake up man. The rules have changed!

P.S: If i sound pissed, forgive me, but your article really got the worst of me. Thanks. Flora


felix, that was a very well written article. I do not think though, that most women love foolishly, like the ones described. Like Chinua Achebe rightly said, now that the hunters have learned to shoot without missing, the birds have also learned to fly without perching!!! 🙂 Ify



Good piece but we must not forget that some sisters

are schemers who intentionally set out to destroy

brothers.I just thot to mention that.

The devil knows how delicate the issue of love and sex

is among us "youths" and he is fighting hard to bring

us down.

How many tongue speaking brothers and sisters have

problems with fornication.. and adultery?! How many of

those engaged are able to keep themselves pure and not

spend nghts with "bro" before the wedding?

It's hard and I hope as we get more open about it we

will be able to live as the Lord commands in the midst

of a crooked and perverse generation.

I have seen where brothers put up an ultimatum….u

have to come and cook for me and stay over, abi how

will i know how u will keep my house e.t.c and my

dear, sisters are desperate nowadays o ! God help us.

I think I better stop here.

The Lord cotinue to uphod u.



Yeah! ur article would certainly raise more than enough dust. As you are aware, we the female folks identify with the subject matter though sometimes we strongly wish we didn't have to love the wrong persons as much as we did or better still we often hope we fall in love with that man who'd love us back with same measure or even more. But i guess unlike the some other organs of our body, the heart is an entity, you can't tell the heart who, how and when to love. However, love is a beautiful thing, even if it is not reciprocated, one shd be glad the he/she is capable of loving. It is safer to know you are very capable of loving and are able to express this love.



well well well

i am so impressed with this articule

am so impressed

did u really write this urself ?

it's so deep

gosh u should write stuff like this more often

am glad i read it

do take care of urself .



Bennie Droese December 13, 2006 - 8:33 am


Your article is nice and quite contemplative. I enjoyed it. I was often angry at my mom and couldnt understand why she continued to cater to an emotionally distant, stingy opportunist like my Dad. As a child, I believed that she was just weak and didnt know how to simply say NO, when she needed to. But you may be right maybe God did leave a semblance of his unconditional love for man in women. That explanation transcends logic and Im willing to buy into it!


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