Which kain world cup be dis sef? What is a world cup like without the green-white-green flag? My friends have been trying so hard to put up a bold face watching the mundial but as far as I am concerned a world cup without Nigeria is not actually the world cup- it is the qualifying series. I didn’t say so, my oracle said so. You haven’t heard about my oracle? My oracle has bad belle. The bad belle my oracle has is directed towards specific countries going to the world cup, and my oracle has no apologies.
My oracle told me certain teams will not win the world cup. He told me Togo (that Togo- can you imagine?); Tunisia, Ghana and Angola will not win the world cup. Okay now, you might be thinking my Oracle is a redneck but please think again. My Oracle is not a racist, in fact according to my oracle Ivory Coast an African nation stands a very good chance of taking this cup back to the continent it belongs. Remembering of course that Nigeria won the world cup in 1996…remember? When we won Brazil and Argentina? My friend go and siddon; my oracle has selective amnesia – World Cup or Olympics what is the difference. Many countries, national flag, national pride, eleven fools running after a round stone on the field and one of them on crack scoring goals with his hand; that is the world cup my friend.
Anyway, before you allow me to prevaricate and adjudicate over the nearest antimony I shall elongate before I emaciate. In continuation of my explicative periphery may I inform you of the reasons my oracle has bad belle. For one, that country called Togo. For those who don’t know, Togo is a mini fiefdom of some black people that exists in the western corridor of the Nigerian Oligarchy. Simply put, Togo is to tokunboh cars as Bill Gates is to dollars. Togo for years have been filling Nigerian air with toxic substances, more toxic substances than Shell, Chevron and Exxon combined together and causing more damage than General Sani Abacha wrecked on the Indian prostitutes…sorry the other way round. As a matter of fact, beyond few history making moves like Nigeria installing Togo’s president through the back door, the people of Togo have little or nothing to show for their good neighborliness. And now they will go to the World Cup Preliminary qualifying competition holding in Germany and we will not. God Forbid! To add salt to injury, our son – Mr. Stephen Keshi- the big boss himself was poached, used and discarded to help this forsaken sons of a gun qualify for the series and just like that. Before we could say Jack Robinson, our son was fired and a German coach was hired! Ewo! Togo hired a Hitlerian. Go figure. But thanks be to God, days to their first game and the German has gone hiatus – German gone crazy! Welcome a clueless Togolese coach whose last coaching job was coaching Ajegunle Boys Grammar School Team B. Ewu mado!
Beyond my oracle’s bad belle for Togo and the obvious reason why they will never see the golden cup and bring it back to Baba Iyabo (the President of the Feudal Community of West African States), it is not so hard to see the other back stabber that will be left out of the goodies. The so called Republic of Ghana; I say so called for obvious reasons. If you have not heard, Ghana is the 37th state of Nigeria and is ruled by proxy by Mansah Kuffour the Baale of Ghana kingdom. After we took over their commerce, their universities, and their women and finally now the National Assembly just passed a law a day before the world cup started to annex this kingdom of the real Negroes. I didn’t say so. For some reason or two beyond the fact that Ghana as a perennial rival of Nigeria in soccer, it is so obvious that the Nigerian brand new presidential jet (in the absence of their bartered Presidential Gulfstream Jet) will be waiting at Frankfurt after the third match Ghana plays to convey the players from our 37th state back to Abuja where they will be received as honored guests of our own Baba Iyabo. We will not only order one of the best massage in town for them from Allen Avenue we will also add the Abuja flavor of Indian women Sani Abacha style to send our Ghanaian players to fruit-ball oblivion.
After my oracle delivered this message to me I was also curious why Tunisia and Angola will not make it through; anyway, to cut long story short one denied us the Nations Cup 2004 the other basically sealed our fate as regards going to this competition. Nigerians suffer no fools and my oracle is Nigerian. In fact, my oracle bribes every policeman, eats guguru from inside of a newspaper and enjoys putting milk and sugar inside Garri. My oracle went further to predict beyond all palatable prediction that Nigeria will win the competition. Don’t worry, just keep reading I will land you gist.
My people, I salute una oh! Area I hail oh! News reaching me confirms Nigeria won the world cup. In fact, a press release from the Nigerian Presidential Spokesman alias rejected minister Alhaji Fani Kayode confirms that following a National Resolution passed by the National Assembly yesterday that officially annexed the states of Brazil, Argentina, Germany and England the world cup is finally in our kitty! Hurray! I am elated. But in the midst of my latest slip to rizzla induced madness, I was wondering why USA was not annexed; the answer the Alhaji gave me was “no comment”. The obvious answer my dear reader is that the fear of George Bush is the beginning of wisdom!
While I sip my bottle of hardcore cold Dutch made Heineken light a new addition to my non-alcoholic beverage collection (na us sabi) I wish all teams in the Mundial good luck and God speed; because come rain or sunshine I am a samba all the way!