Nigeria has tried the one-man president formula for far too long, and it has not worked at all.
What the country needs is a consortium of presidents, and all the ills of the old country will get instantly cured.
I can swear by any shrine – especially Fela’s no-nonsense shrine – that the consortium of presidents is an idea whose time has come, and it will witness supersonic success like the school-feeding bandwagon of the change regime that trumps the education budget!
If one president can only borrow some dollars and sterling and yen and yuan, imagine the gargantuan sums that the consortium of presidents can borrow to swell Nigeria’s coffers!
Let me confess from the beginning that I borrowed the idea of consortium of presidents from the sporting world where the likes of Festus Adegboye Onigbinde are forever canvassing for the assemblage of a consortium of coaches for the non-performing Super Eagles of Nigeria, a team formerly known as Papa Eagles.
Since football needs all of 11 players, I believe that Nigeria needs all of 11 presidents in the consortium, plus a handful or so substitutes to stash the cash.
The fire of personal ambition should be instilled in the consortium of presidents by making the irrepressible Jagaban a permanent member.
Perpetual ambition is made of sterner stuff in the Turaki of Adamawa who must latch on to a coveted seat in the consortium.
The need to add international flavour and experience to the consortium entails calling back for service the navigator-in-chief, Ebora of Owu, the grandee who once propounded the theory that Apartheid in South Africa could be defeated with juju – now he should provide the African science, alias juju, needed to protect the consortium of presidents from occult forces.
The Nigerian consortium of presidents will make do with the diabolical acumen of the Evil Genius at the hilltop to deal summarily with any blighter dreaming of plotting a coup to upstage the consortium.
There must be a ceremonial president in the consortium in the shape and size of the modern day Azikiwe, the allegedly clueless man of good luck who was lately discharged from power for being too ceremonially clueless.
Now that I have mentioned “clueless”, I make bold to introduce Dame Patience as a key player in the consortium because her elevation to the presidency proper as opposed to just being the First Lady will ensure that her meek husband enjoys maximum protection from her umbrella; no, make that “umblella”.
The real McCoy to make the consortium tick happens to be General Ruga who fights corruption acidly by freeing all jailed corrupt politicians and blending them with repainted Boko Haram bandits in a potpourri of terroristic the-more-you-look-the-less-you-see.
There must be a place in the presidential squad for my famous brother Bob Dee who would be saddled with the task of generating the loud ovation needed for the nation-saving consortium of presidents.
Pastor Latter Rain comes in necessary in the consortium as the shaman to remove any curse that may be put atop the heads of the consortium of presidents.
With the consortium of presidents in power, there would then be no need looking for a consensus presidential candidate by the alphabet soup of the bazaars masquerading as Nigerian political parties.
It bears repeating that all the blokes buying forms to contest the promised presidential election amid all the flagitious insecurities in the country will eventually turn themselves into a consortium of losers.
Even the talk of forming the so-called government of national unity can only hold water when the consortium of losers will perforce transcend to the ambit of the consortium of presidents.
With the Nigerian knowledge that two heads are better than one, it is all too obvious that many presidents on the same seat will definitely be better than one.
I refuse to listen to the negativists screaming something about too many cooks spoiling the broth.
That cliché of a proverb ought to be discountenanced in this golden moment of the total transformation of Nigeria by the consortium of presidents.
How do we want to make progress by putting all the gargantuan problems of this country on the frail shoulders of just one man?
There is no algebra of sense or equation in this matter.
It is inhuman to saddle the man with the many troubles of this troublesome nation that earned top marks by turning mixed economy into a mixed-up economy.
By being the first country on God’s earth before Satan’s hell to constitute the consortium of presidents, Nigeria will truly earn its title as the Giant of Africa.
The eternal war of tribes and tongues battling to be made the president will be killed forever through the traditional medicine of the constitution of the consortium of presidents.
Of course I am quite aware that Nigeria is full of critics and sundry sorcerers apprentices of opposition politics, and they are already questioning my right to choose the consortium of Nigerian presidents all on my own.
I take solace in the Holy Book where Jesus said in John 4:44 that a prophet is without honour in his own country.
All I can say for now is that my fellow countrymen and women should strive to put this consortium of presidents’ matter to immediate trial to end Nigeria’s woes in the wilderness.
A trial, I know, will convince us or confuse us or convulse us, but whatever the case, let’s stay conned in confusion.
The icing on the national consortium cake is that one of the presidents in the consortium may end up buying all the others with a bullion van!