Fear And Loathing On The Internet

by Uche Nworah

You know us for sure, the usual suspects. We thrive on the Internet and also in some mainline newspapers and magazines that will give us space, at least until they complete their never-ending recruitment drives and fill every position with seasoned and reputable journalists. Until then, we rock.  

We are constantly peddling, pushing (not drugs please NDLEA/EFCC) and penning; essays, opinions and commentaries. Ranging from what Azubuike did in 1945 (who is Azubuike anyway, and who cares?), to why Funmi has remained unmarried at 16. Talk about Governor Orji Kalu and the type of breakfast he ate just this morning, sure we already got something to say. We are after all citizen writers, or is it journalists? Please Omoyele Sowore, remind me again which.

Welcome to the 21st century baby, your worst nightmare if you are a Nigerian politician. Nigerians all over the world now have a new and favourite pass time- punditry. And how sweet it is to be on the dishing side, does it really matter what’s being served? Cold, warm, luke-warm, or hot dish, neither does it matter who is doing the receiving, shove it down their throats honey.

Obasanjo should have delayed his second coming till the next dark ages; I think he returned a bit too soon. Just like a kid in a toy shop, we have all run riot, excited at this new tool and play thing known as the internet. With it, we have had our fair share of the OBJ and politician bashing, we have enjoyed parodying and cajoling them, we have also lost many nights of sleep reading, laughing and rejoicing over the pokes being stuck into them by our constituents.

Ouch, does it hurt your Excellencies? Just hang in there, I’m sure you will be just fine, or rather go to bed till Maria finishes her article. Just one more dig won’t hurt.  

Sure why not? If Michael Moore thinks he is the best thing ever to happen to the world, if he thinks that only he can save America and our planet, he’s got another think coming; a Google search of the word Obasanjo should give him a peek into how elevated our game is. Bring it on dude.    

But then, we are only having fun even though at other people’s expense (O.P.E). Why won’t we? When the spectators can’t seem to have enough, or can you not hear their shouts of More! More!

Nobody pays us; we are just a bunch of boomers suffering from midlife crises, tired of our miserable good lives in the west and advocating for best practice, what best practice? Everybody is on the take, even Old boy Dick Cheney. Atiku Abubakar is still only a minor league player.

Now I am having a rethink, i think we all should be rounded up (the CIA apparently has a Cyber police), it shouldn’t be difficult for Ehindero to do this, we should all be tried for idleness, interfering with the running of government, meddling, sedition, defamation and libel and ehm…(sorry, I ran out of words). We have wrecked havoc on the land. See the number of people we have incited to commit acts of mutiny, see the mayhem we have unleashed on Nigeria by empowering MEND, it’s all our fault. If Nigerian prisons can not contain us, the government should open direct discussions with George ‘Dubya’ Bush immediately, now that he is contemplating closing down Guantanamo Bay (The Nigerian government should ask him again in the presence of witnesses just to be sure Dubya still knows where it is), Nigeria should take the camp over and use it as a holding facility for those of us that carry out our own sedition on the internet.

I nominate Sergeant Rogers (if he is still alive) to be the camp commandant, that dude is sure a no-nonsense guy, my kind of guy. I do like him because he does look like the type that will drill us silly, and work out the residues of the marijuana that we have been smoking, which has intoxicated our brain, Mustapha is also invited to the party, and Akilu, and Togun, and…  (what are their names again?)

Sure the empire should strike back now, about time. We’ve really had a long run. Gag me, gag us all. Idle and bloody civilians, ingrates. Just what have we done for our country lately? Nothing. You see why we don’t deserve to be called Nigerians; we are all an unpatriotic self-hating bunch. Nigeria this, Obasanjo that, bla bla bla.

Someone should please bring back the good old days, that Mrs Ngozi Okonji-Iweala lady should be retired to her World Bank library; she is one of us after all, wrecking her own one – woman havoc on our economy with her reform agenda cooked up in her kitchen, as if she doesn’t know that bitter leaf soup is bitter.

Now don’t you all blank out on me, as if you don’t know the two economic gurus that should be overseeing our finance ministry and economic recovery. Bring back Owolabi (Forum Finance Ltd) and Umanah Umanah (Resources Managers Ltd). Leave all these nonsense about being Harvard trained, did these gentlemen even break any chalk? No, but hey? Does it matter? Remember the 90s? How they helped spread prosperity around with their magic formulas? We were better off then, we didn’t have to do anything, with our deposits securely under their care. Now that is prosperity to me.

Give these blokes our external reserves, give them all the oil windfall proceeds, let every Nigerian go to sleep, wake up in the morning, play golf, play draught, go swimming, visit Auntie Ngozi’s beer parlour, overdose on her oxtail pepper-soup, drown in big bottles of odeku, kunu and tombo, hitch a ride on the new presidential jet (it sure does look nice), don’t worry, be happy. Our money is in good hands. 

Why grant bail to Rotimi Durojaiye and Gbenga Aruleba? Ok, I accept that the prisons are congested, and that negotiations over our acquiring Guantanamo Bay are still ongoing, but wait a minute, I have an idea, how about Bakassi? Yes, Bakassi. Deport them to Bakassi, keep them there, the rest of us, part of the renegade bunch can join them later. Keep them charge over the Champion Beer depot, that I’m sure should be enough punishment for their contributions to the sorry state of the nation. That would also teach all those Lagos axis media gossips and rumour mongers a lesson, didn’t they tell us the other day that Madam Ngozi has resigned?

Another brilliant idea, get officials of Shell to run seminars and workshops for journalists and editors on social responsibility. Freedom of speech, fine but with responsibility. Why Shell? Well, if you don’t know, they are experienced in this type of thing. They have the world’s best record in corporate social responsibility; with some stroke of imagination they should figure out how to share best practice with the Nigerian media.

Aha, just a last thought. Bring on the jury system in Nigeria to try the duo of Durojaiye and Aruleba, dig out Dele Giwa, Amachree or their bones to serve as absentee jurors, get Tunde Thompson and Nduka Irabor to serve as Jury foremen, getting a conviction will be as easy as Professor Mobolaji Aluko digging out information on our new presidential jet, plus that the duo of Irabor and Thompson would be out to extract a revenge on the duo, for trying to attempt their exploits and thus wanting to share history books with them, who needs competition in this noble profession, they should try out their hands and martyrdom in other endeavour. How about defying Tinubu’s law in Lagos state and selling pure water on Oshodi bridge, that would be some stunt for them to accomplish.  

While we are at this, here are a few survival ti

ps if you are an unpaid (write-for-free) Nigerian internet or media pundit. Don’t worry about the paid journalists, hacks and jobbers, the NUJ, SSS, CLO, GANI and Mantu can sort them out.

Quit criticizing the government, so fort! Find another hobby; try your hands in palm-wine tapping, the men may try and improve their DIY (damage it yourself) and babysitting skills, they may also learn how to shoot straight into the toilet bowl, no blanks please. And the wives? Well, let them get busy understanding how many players are actually involved in a football match. If all else fails, how about wife or husband swapping (oops!) or male bashing, now that sounds quite like it. Join Folasayo’s weekend lessons on how to demonize the Nigerian man. Sing praises at the end of each session, on your way out give soul sista a high five and blow a wink at the other members of FCMB present. Mind you, this is not Otunba Michael Balogun’s round –tripping bank,  Oh come on, don’t give up on me now, acting as if you don’t know what it stands for, ok here you go, it is the Federation of Creative Male Bashers. They are now recruiting for new souls (sorry, members), you want to give them a call?

If you live outside Nigeria and plan to visit home this summer, enroll for a crash course in Omoyele Sowore’s Tactical Travel Academy (TTA). Ask for the course Border Tactics 101, (how to slip in and out of borders), it is quite interesting and is taught by Mr Sowore himself, if you are lucky he may give you an insight on how to hitch rides in the cars of presidential children, and score interviews along the way. The only catch is that you will have to invest in a combat kit; it’s a war out there.

Join your local Salvation Army, become a volunteer. Forget about Amnesty International, their response time is slower. You need a rapid response team on standby in case you find yourself at the Fegge – Onitsha police station.

Always travel light, and have ready a survivor’s kit containing a toothbrush, toothpaste, a copy of the Bible, Koran or whatever spiritual book that you believe in. If you can, ask Gani Fawehinmi how to neatly pack the contents of such a sash.

You are now on your own, Good luck.

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