Shebi you hear the thing wey Dora said? He has to eat his word and prostrate for his profanity about me.’
‘Madam, I disagree with you. The man is very patriotic with his views and I think he has a right to air his opinion.’
‘Opinion…which opinion? Uche too dey for diaspora but he has not been abusive by calling a person like me rude names. You don’t get it. People believe what he said about me and that pains a lot.’
‘Well madam, make you let the man be. Er….how about the Xenical orlistat tablets I sent to you? Are they working well for your weight loss? I have made the enquiry for you at Harley Street concerning the surgery we discussed last. I spoke to one Dr Ramesh Gupta who specialises in nose reduction. I will send the brochure through my wife next week. There is Christmas special offer. Me and my wife argued over your snoring. Well I don’t know…she says that it is due to the big drainage between your eyes and mouth.’
‘No…no….I can’t do the nose yet until I pursue that PA like Gaddafi was pursued in Sirte by NATO Forces.’
‘Er…madam, this one passes me. You should forgive and forget. You are a good Catholic and a deacon in your New York church. Why this revenge……ah?
‘No, I no go forgive. I be proper Ibo woman. PA said that he wants to be like Jesus so somebody who wants to be like Jesus they look for trouble with his satire…..no, I go show am for this Abuja……anyway hold on for Reub…….’
I could not understand both Dora and Ndidi’s deep yearning for bloody revenge. I began to sense that respect and honour which are the great reward for professorial scholarship are now facing assault. Then I remember that Abuja is a place of complex configuration of power; a place of reductive misreading, macropolitical blackmail, manic propaganda and morally relativistic wimps.
The sound of fraternal hosannas from Uche, Dora and Ndidi left to calcify for years have morph into a revolt bordering on crucifixion of Pius. The windy conclusion from our moaning squealers is the delusion that PA is preparing to change career for Abuja and embark on his own chop chop. Just because one Ibrahim Gambari dined and danced kokoma in his house.
‘Man T ……man T …..its me……Reuben Abati.’
‘RA, you owe me an apology.’
‘Er…er…you mean for what happened during your last trip to Abuja? Then you did not read your email. The thing don happen. You will soon get your call up letter from the Presidency.’
‘Thank you my brother. You are a saviour. I am tired of UK and there is no business because of Europe’s economic problems. Emm…which of the post I get…..?’
‘Not on the phone man T. Dora, Ndidi and Uche have all spoken to you about Pius. I read most of his critical pieces about me since I relocated to Abuja. But I can assure you that he is guilty of using the cyber medium to hawk his profound literary genius to sound profound and get famous.’
‘RA you are a hypocrite. Did you not use The Guardian medium to get to Aso Rock by pretending to be profound and fearless? Please…please…..please… don’t get me started… All I know is that PA is a post-modern writer who writes intelligently and has never made his readers look stupid while he looks cleverer than them all. This guy to me has never endeavour to beguile, deceive or dumbfound his readers by any incomprehensive phrases. He is a parodist. A sound satirist for any lay reader. He has brought back the heroic age of scholarship and has come to symbolise the common man pathway to satirical experimentation of the Nigerian political dilemma.’
‘Man T, but you can detect career anxieties in his satires. A kind of intellectual masochism.’
‘Reuben, that’s a lie. You have lost the thread here. The hallmark of his intelligence is his ability to write in passable professorial style without using difficult language to intimidate his readers. I know that you write simply but there were occasions when you mocked your academic background and fell flat to linguistic obscurity. Honest, its true!’
‘Look, he wants to use my route to get to Abuja. No way, the house is full. I have just spoken to Uncle Agboola, sorry, I mean Professor Ibrahim Gambari and all he said was that he has a man I must help. He was unaware that Aunty Dora and Ndidi and that ex-London playboy, Uchechukwu Nworaha have all gist me about what happened in Canada. The kokoma dance and the egusi and panla dinner for the ambassador. Why lie? All moaning writers write to get noticed and get their call up letter to come chop for Abuja. No be so? It is the same dynamic even in that your London. We are all Nigerians. We get our price….why all the abuse from him because I made it into GEJ inner caucus? If he can apologise like you did over your critique of my Abuja land deal, then I will see what I could do!’
‘Are you saying Abuja can buy anybody….just like that? Look, I apologised to you because of the fruit of my apology. I feel ashamed though, that I can betray my writing conscience and sup with the very person I love to criticise.’
‘Why……GEJ is a forgiving president. Even though he is as thick as a brick…please don’t write that. Tell PA to start writing syrupy and sugary writings about GEJ and his wife and gbam…Abuja cometh! I got so bored at The Guardian I began to praise the man and see what happened to me. Get it, my man, that is the strategy.’
‘Ah, as simple as that? How is your SUV behaving……and the gym workout to flatten you newly acquired big belle?’
‘Ha …ha….hehehhehe……Man T, when you come in Xmas you go see how I dey hammer….Oronto is here for you!’
‘Yeye Ijaw man na like so you dey behave? Papa pickin, I hear say your wife don tear belle? How about the thing we discussed at Heathrow?’
‘Wetin again…sebi Abati don tell you say the thing don happen. Make you just dey drink you Guinness dey go. How Aremu your friend? Come for Xmas and we go gist well well…..’
‘Ehen…ehen…ehennnnn……I go bring em…..’
‘Who you go bring? No bring anything….everything dey for ground…..just come hammer….’ Oronto assured.
‘Oronti bobo, you sabi the thing wey everybody dey insinuate about Pius? Remember Adesanmi. The guy you complained to me say his satire dey pepper more than mosquito bite.’
‘Look I be Ijaw man….when cold catch am so tey and his ears dey do wen…him go come Abuja come get sunshine. Thank God he has started the effort now through the right person in the stature of Professor Ibrahim Gambari.’
Presumptuous….presumptuous….presumptuous….my mind kept on shouting presumptuous. How monstrous a thing is revolt among wounded squealers who, unafraid of robust backlash, are audaciously determined to throw rocks into the delicate glass house of the Adesanmis? Not to worry. Probably Pius will overlook this presumptuous foolery; this satirical response to his own satirical imagination and smile satirically at his old squealers and their hired provocateur.