The other day, I was involved in the usual banter with some of my female friends (strictly friends), who have made it their life mission to convince me to institutionalize myself. Somehow, I have a feeling that either these babes were paid off by my mother to torture me or they have a desperate sister they are seeking to hook me up with. But in the course of their usual arm twisting tactics, which usually start from asking questions and eventually end up in those long sermons of how marriage is the best thing after toast bread (forgetting that at least one of them is convinced that her husband is the he-devil). In any case, at least you will expect this ogbonge married chics to know one or two things about marriage but alas, it appears they have been drinking the same water most people drink from.For the purpose of this conversation we shall call these my female accomplices Chikito. Our conversation went thus:
Me: Why do women marry?
Chikito 1: Because they have found Mr. Right
Chikito 2: Says who?
Me: Says Chikito 1…assuming she is wrong, why you marry your man?
Chikito 2: Because he is loving, level headed and funny
Me: No be money dey make man funny? I am sure quite a bunch of women thought Idi Amin was a funny man…didn’t they?
Chikito 3: Im don start with im yeye politics be dat? Make una leave am? Why you no wan marry?
Chikito 1: Because he is not done playing the field…
Chikito 2: Or because im money never reach…
Me: You see what am saying…kedu woman, Na money go kill you
Chikito 1: And that one nko…me I be Calabar woman, but for money – I no run
Me: I already know you….$500 coach bag, $900 Gucci- which poor man fit afford you?
Chikito3: her husband is poor…
Me: Yes he is, that is why he is the most popular face in Harlem knight on Tidwell (popular strip club in Houston)
Chikito 1: You, you better stop…my husband don’t cheat- he is not like you men. My honey bun is different
Me: buaahahaha (reeks in laughter) – everyone thinks their own is different. I guess those stories we hear na fiction now…I no be man?
Chikito 2: Me I can’t stay with a cheating man o…
Chikito 3: (cuts in..), so will you stay with a cheating wife?
Me: You people should answer the question…instead of gallivanting around the whole place…why can’t you stick in a marriage with a man that cheated on you?
Chikito 2: I simply will not be happy?
Me: (laughs)…show me one person that got divorced and is happy thereafter? In fact one of my friends in DC, Sabella specializes in giving “it” to unhappy divorced women seeking peace in the arms of pot-bellied loafers like him
Chikito 3: Hmmm…na wa for school?
Chikito 2: No mind am; stupid chauvinist pig
Me: So I am now a Chauvinist for not supporting dismantling the family? A minute ago you were encouraging me to get married…so now, na divorce you dey advocate?
Chikito 2: I am not a divorce advocate, I am just anti-cheating
Me: Can a polygamous man cheat?
Chikito 1: Here we go again…go marry
Me: Not until you tell me one problem I have now that marriage will solve.
Chikito 3: Na lie, one will soon tie you down
Me: After she signs pre-nup and I take out a life insurance on her…
Chikito 1: Serial killer…
Group Bursts out laughing…and moves on to other matters
The 3 Myths of Marriage:
1. It will solve your problem and make you happy thereafter
2. If you are not happy with your marriage, divorce! You will be happy thereafter
3. My hubby will never cheat!