The First Impression…

…is a lasting impression. The sooner you learn that the first impression you make on a woman is a lasting – and possibly perpetual – impression, the better for you.

In the event that you meet a woman you would like to know better, there are a few things you should keep in mind. There are three phases to this: the pre-meeting phase, the meeting phase, and the post-meeting phase.

Pre-meeting phase: At no point in your life are you sure of what will happen in the next second. Therefore, it is imperative that you plan accordingly and expect the unexpected. Sure, you do not think you will meet a girl at the mechanic shop, but what if you do? That being said, keep the following in mind:

1. A funky man is not a sexy man. Did you know our sense of smell is our strongest one? How can she take you seriously when your stench is clogging up her lungs? You should endeavor to smell good at all times. This is not an impossible task. I do not ask that you shower in cologne that will cause her to wheeze and suffer from symptoms of bronchitis; I do, however demand that you brush your teeth before leaving the house. Some kind of working deodorant will not hurt either.

2. Nobody – and I do mean NOBODY – looks good chewing gum. Whether your mouth is open or close while chewing has no bearing. Whether you chew or suck the gum does not matter either. Do not be caught leaving your house with a piece of gum in your mouth. Chewing gum while talking to her is a major distraction to her.

3. We are in the 21st century. In this century, you do not beckon on a woman by making kissing sounds as if you are calling out to Bingo, your dog. In this century, you do not get a woman’s attention by doing the ‘pssst!’ thing; for goodness sake, you are not in third grade hollering at your boys. You do not whistle at her as if you are flagging down an okada. And you most certainly do not guess her name by her complexion. Just because she is light-skinned does not mean her name is Chichi or Amaka. Lastly, you may think it is cute, but licking your lips as you stare at a woman like she’s a piece of steak or suya is very disgusting, and it sends all kinds of mixed signals.

Meeting Phase: So you have spotted the girl, and you think you would like to get to know her better. You look good; you smell good; life is good. Sometimes, it is not easy thinking of what to say when you approach her. Calm down; it’s okay. If you cannot think of what to say, please think of what not to say.

1. No hanky panky please. If you want to know if she is single, ask her. Approaching her with cheesy lines like “I cannot believe your boyfriend let you come here all by yourself,” is as dumb as it is annoying. What if she agrees with you and says she cannot believe her boyfriend let her come there alone? What then becomes of you?

2. Contrary to popular belief, flattery will not get you everywhere. Only the right flattery will get you everywhere. Complimenting a light-skinned lady as ebony will not score you any brownie points. And if you are not sure of the color of her eyes, please reserve your right to not compliment them. Hazel eyes are not brown eyes. They never have been; they aren’t now, and they never will be.

3. The truth does not always set you free. You must not say everything that comes to your mind. It may be hard to believe, but some things are better left unsaid. Yes, Dakore has a striking resemblance to Bob-Manuel Udokwu, but must you say it? If the lady you are interested in happens to look like Dakore, please do not tell her that she reminds you of Bob-Manuel. Bob-Manuel is not a bad looking man by any stretch of the word, but no woman wants to remind a man of another man. It is as troubling as it is painful. That being said, Dakore remains a very beautiful woman.

4. Say what you mean and mean what you say. There is a trend going on in the boy-meets-girl world. I call it the he-screwed-up-at-the-last-minute trend. There are countless demons in the world, but I am yet to figure out which one possesses a man to screw up in such a way. I want to know why a man, after approaching a girl, successfully having small talk with her, making her laugh, and acquiring her ‘digits’ would say to her, “Call me sometime, okay? We can hang out.” Why, oh, why would you lay the burden of calling on her? This may seem small to you, but on our planet (Venus), this is a major offense, and it is punishable by permanent deletion of your number from our phonebook, or the movement of your number to the do-not-answer group. Look at it this way: if she wanted to call you, she would have asked for your number one way or another. You do not ask a lady for her number and then tell her to call you.

Post-Meeting Phase: You have survived the pre-meeting phase and the meeting phase; do not screw up in the post-meeting phase. You have come too far to end it. There is light at the end of the tunnel, gentlemen — if you keep it up.

1. Do not make a career out of calling. All things being equal, the day you meet a girl and successfully excite her, you leave footprints in her memory. The thing about footprints is that time washes them away. The longer you take to call, the fainter your footprints will become. If you are not there to make more prints, you will be demoted from ‘Luke, the funny guy I met at the bar’ to ‘some guy.’ In other words, you may be nice, but you are still very forgettable, trust me. If you do not want to be actually forgotten, call within no more than forty-eight hours, or else you will become a faceless name in her phonebook.

2. Limit the phone calls. If you call her and she does not pick up, leave a message and wait for her to call you back. If she says she will call you back, wait for her to call you back. If you do not hear from her for days, you can call her again, but please wait at least twenty-four hours before you do so. If she has a habit of not picking up or returning your calls, cut her off. Any woman who wants to call a man will never be too busy to do just that. Badgering her with phone calls raises red flags. There is a thin line between an enthusiastic admirer and a crazy phone stalker. You do not want to be identified as the latter.

3. Pick a date. Keep the date. Assuming you called her at the right time and you both finally picked a day for your date, make sure you agree on a date that works for you…and keep the date! Cancelling your first date is like cancelling an interview for a highly competitive job: the rescheduled interview (if there is one) is a steeper hill to climb. Keep in mind that just because you are not calling her does not mean no one else is calling her. In order words, make hay while the sun shines. If you must cancel, it better be because you are trapped in a whale’s stomach – or something like that.

4. Save the drama. There are countless things to talk about on your first date. Your psychotic ex who slashes your tires and sabotages all your potential relationships should not be one of them. Save the doggie-style-is-my-favorite-sex-position conversation for a dozen dates later. And while we are on the subject of sex, please refrain from the how-many-people-have-you-had-sex-with conversation. You can always have that conversation some other time – like never.

***When you do have that successful date, please feel very free to send me a bottle of perfume (like Pour Femme by Bvlgari) as a thank-you gift***

DISCLAIMER: If you follow all the rules and things still don’t work out, please forward all your complaints to God. Unlike me, He’s available 24/7.

8 thoughts on “The First Impression…

  • Lol@Emeka. I haven’t heard bazooka gum in a long time, we used to chew that as kids and save the pictures that it came with.

    I always read Vera’s works as funny works of fiction. Is anyone really going to take what she has written as practical rules for dating? I hope not. Just read, chuckle and move on.

    Reply
  • had a good laugh at this one…. ….hurriedly written though… not well thought through….

    my point? “gaming” is thrilling… …depending on how its goin’, ‘t can be euphoric for the lady and elating for the guy…. but from my short spin on the scene, i figured its actually the same “gaming” that begets the pains(u know that “i feel like tearing my heart out” chant after the guys’ come and gone… …’specially when he’s dipped into that honey pot…

    for the women folk that nod in agreement to Veras’ points, do rein in those subjective notions…

    …he comes along with the “i don’t believe your boyfriend let….” if you are kickin’ then respond accordingly so he picks up the fact that you don’t have a bf at the moment… if you aren’t(for whatever reason -you dislike his swagger or you are likin’&luving your bf, then communicate accordingly…

    ..he comes along chewing away at his bazooka joe(gum)… and if u have sumthin’ against guys that chew gum which in your opinion is deal breaking, then feel free… pass on…

    …he departs(after making an impression) and asks that you buzz him…. please buzz him………… and if he hadn’t made an impression, please don’t…. but them rules of HE needs to do that initial calling should be tossed out of the window….

    …on that first date…. …do not come out with your “list of appropriate topics for conversation”… are you throwing back ur head and laughing? are you musing on the smarts? are you staying on par with the wit? are you pleasantly blushing? …go with it…

    lest i forget… on the “making a career out of calling”…. yup…. guyz u can call twice within 24hrs.. .as long as 2nd call is within 5minutes of first one…after which it is still okay to drop a text message or leave a voice message… ….if no response from the lady, then please please DO NOT call back unless the intention of the entire “gaming” is in pursuit of funds… in which case i have a lot of questions that your grey matter can’t handle…

    stay good…

    Reply
  • omonikea@hotmail.com · Edit

    Nice article Vera, but you know it’s not anyone’s fault, these days I’m more inclined to school the guy instead of “throwing out the baby with the bath water” as they say. Sometimes the guy is cheesy but it’s cute, who knows how these things happen?

    It’s always a pleasure reading your work, can’t wait for the book, and by the way have a Merry Christmas and a prosperous and rewarding New Year!

    Reply
  • You didn’t know these women are the reincarnation of the late Princess Diana. They complain when they have a man and they will complain when they don’t have a man. You can never please these type of women because they are usually unhappy with themselves but they put up a front that their poo-poo don’t stink. They want men to bend over backwards for them and they see nothing wrong in their “uppity” attitudes. Thank God not all human beings are programmed like this.

    Reply
  • sampson Iroabuchi onwuka · Edit

    You are right. Am however sure that you are not from around New york. All that first impression is window excursion when not employed. That’s the truth. Don’t forget the internet

    Reply
  • Speaking as a woman, I find your writing to be very obnoxious towards men. If a man had written this article, you would want his head on a platter.

    These stupid rules are for little girls with inferiority complex. You and women like you should really get over yourself. It really is not that serious!

    Reply

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