The Sign

Then some of the scribes and Pharisees said to Him, “Teacher, we want to see a sign from You.” But He answered and said to them, “An evil and adulterous generation craves for a sign; and yet no sign will be given to it but the sign of Jonah the prophet;…

I have not written for quite a while, 2008 was the last year I wrote anything outside of legal briefs. It is a long time to be away from what one loves to do. What I like as much as writing, or maybe that I like more than writing is talking, but since I live all by myself I don’t get to talk much except for when I get on the phone or Skype. I have also edited this article several times being the first one I am writing since the writer block and I am sure there would be thousands of mistakes, grammatical and spelling but I just have to get over the first hump. So I am going to post it regardless.

Getting back to writing takes some reflections; one has to get rid of the block, so I contemplated on what to write. That set off a number of topics in my head. While I was in the bathroom taking care of business I thought about it. Should I write about religion, or about war, health, my kids’ visit, which I am sure everyone is tired of by now since the whole visit was covered on Facebook. Perhaps I should write about my friends and give it a title in my language, “Omode Meta Sere” which literarily translates to “3 children were playing”. I got that idea from seeing the comments of Gbolahan and Jide in my last reposted article. But then I have written about my friends in the past. I might have to look for that article and repost, like I have been doing lately.

Perhaps I would do a follow up on my friends when I get out of this writer block. I have been talking to a number of my friends lately and that brought back some nostalgic feelings. Especially my recent conversation with Niyi Eludire when he last visited the US, I had talked to Dele Ibironke, Seyi Ojo, Femi Alebiosu Janet Ololade and Remigius Akinbinu when they visited the US earlier in the year. I spoke to Biola Ajayi on the phone when she was in London. I talk to Michael Olufuwa from time to time and recently got Dayo Badejo to take some time out of his busy Schedule to respond to my comment on a photo of his posted on Facebook. Of course it was nice to see him, Femi Osunfowora, Jide Peters, Bayo Olagbami and Bolaji Jokosenumi when I visited London in 2011. Lots of friends, but then, I digress.

So maybe I should write about relationship. Perhaps I should write about the dilemma of a single man. How does he make a choice if he chooses to buy into the idea of marriage again? Assuming he was once married. How does he go about choosing his next wife? Should he just settled with the first woman to come his way or should he take his time and keep his options open and settle for the one that brings out the best in him.

Going into a relationship that is supposed to last a lifetime should not be like ordering pizza. It shouldn’t be about qualities and/or requirements, it should be about feelings. Who brings out the best in you, who makes you laugh? Who are you comfortable with even when no word is being uttered? Who do you feel like you could open up to, present yourself to without shame? Who could be your best friend, the one that you can discuss anything and everything with without being judged or perceived a pervert? Who has your trust and trust you unconditionally that would not believe someone else over you no matter what the subject is? Who has your back?

Relationship should not be about the partner’s educational qualification, their status, what school they attended, the type of job they do, where they come from, the status of their family, the weight of their bank account or who their friends are.

Most of my peers that are single now were, in all probability once married. Something went wrong with the marriages would be the reason why they are single today, some people prefer to call single people divorced or separated, depending on whether or not they officially ended their marriages. Or if they were never married they must, at one point or the other, have been in a long term relationship. So I made a decision, I will write about relationship, after all, that is a subject I have always been relatively good at and what better way to get out of my writers’ block? 🙂

History is a very relevant subject, especially for those who like to learn from history. I used to wonder when I was in school why we were taught history. Why did they think that we would be interested in what some folks before us did? I figured that perhaps the reason was so we can learn from it and not subject ourselves to the same mistakes those before us made.

The issue of history sounds like something I could develop on its own when the time comes. It is a volatile subject but probably would be fun to tackle. Anyway, we hear stuff like “history has a way of repeating itself” There’s also the saying that “We don’t learn from history.”

History, in relationship context, could be what happened to us in the past or what we witnessed happen to our friends or family or what we were told happened to other people. More often than not, we let our experiences in previous relationships guide us, perhaps influence us would be a better word, in our subsequent relationship(s). This may be wrong or right, depending on how you utilize the lessons learnt from your previous experiences.

You could use your previous relationship experiences to better yourself. You could assess how you conducted yourself in previous relationship(s), improve yourself from lessons learnt and be a better partner in your subsequent relationship(s). If you assess yourself truthfully and thoroughly you just might have a chance to succeed in your subsequent relationship(s).

Why should you assess yourself and not your new partner, you may ask. The reason is simple and straight forward; you’re the only member of your previous relationship(s) that came into the new one, or at least that is supposed to, unless you brought them with your baggage, the previous guys did not come along. So factually, your new partner is not the old one and should not have to suffer because the previous one was an asshole. This is the reason why relationship experts, if they exist, would advice you to leave your baggage at the door before you enter a new relationship.

Some people were lied to, assaulted, taken advantaged of or generally ridiculed in their previous relationships; they come into new ones treating their new partners like they are still dealing with the previous guys. A closer look would have revealed to them that the new guys probably have nothing in common with the previous guys outside of their gender. These are new guys that are entitled to the love and trust the previous guys received and abused. The fact that love and trust were previously abused does not necessarily mean they would be this time. Loving is having faith in the general good nature of our new partners.

Most guys who were previously abused usually seek assurances at regular intervals from their new partners and where the new guys are accommodating and thus assure them time and time again they keep seeking for more signs that the new guys would not treat them like they were treated by the previous guys, they put the new guys under intense pressure thereby punishing them because they allowed the previous guys to destroy their ability to trust. They have this suspicion that the new guys would break up with them anyway and they do everything to break up the relationship and thereafter turn around and blame both the previous guys and the new ones for their relationships’ dilemma

People such as this don’t give their all in a relationship because they do not want to be taken advantage of. They hold back, waiting for the new guys to give them the ultimate assurances before giving 100 percent. The fact of the case is even where the new guys perform as promised and

marry the battered partners they would still hold back because they are now afraid that their marriages will one day break up because they were married for the wrong reason(s) which would soon become manifest. One of such reasons would eventually be manufactured of course.

Despite the fact that these battered partners are not giving 100 percent if there were other prospects who are giving 110 percent of their hearts they want you to still dump these other women for them because of course they are victims and everyone must be punished for what their former love did. They are not willing to take the risks these other women are taking by giving all of their hearts they want to be able to claim the prize.

When I was a young boy growing up on the streets of Lagos, I traveled mostly by public transportation because my daddy only took you to selected places in his precious car. Most marketing were done in those buses. I remember a man that sold medications in one of the buses. He was fond of saying if you refused to buy lies you would never buy the truth. In other words sometimes you have to buy a couple of counterfeit before you come across the original.

Fear and doubts cannot reside in the same apartment as love; it would be a case of one bad apple spoiling the rest. Continuous assurances are tedious, they are like thankless jobs no one gets paid for, the only remuneration that comes out of it is headache and heartache. Either believe a guy and stay with him, giving 100 percent of your love, or distrust him and let him go, don’t do both. In other words don’t distrust him and stay with him thereby making both your lives miserable.

It is my humble opinion that whenever we are afraid of failing we already failed. Everything we do in this world is a risk. When our parents had us they took risks, no one assured them that we will live long enough to bury them or that our existence will be beneficial to them. We cannot because some children die young not have children.

Whenever we go out of our houses we take risks. No one assured us that as we were leaving our houses we would come back safely. We cannot, because some people left their houses and did not return, refuse to leave our houses.

When we drive our vehicles or fly or swim or eat, when we do all of these things we are taking risks. We won’t say because people die in accidents we won’t do what we normally do everyday. Why should relationship calamity stop us from loving? We cannot say because we had made wrong choices historically we won’t love. If we continue to do things that some people did that resulted in their demise why should we not love simply because we or other people had done it in the past and it did not turn out well.

Like the wise saying goes “A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for” Love in your heart is a good thing but that is not what it is for, it is to be shared unconditionally with a special person” and the fact that one had bad experiences in the past should not make one deprive oneself the incomparable feelings that loving brings, remember “Smooth seas do not make skillful sailor

Written by
Michael Ewetuga
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