All The Men Are Gone!

by Sola Osofisan

Don’t you just love the Internet? This is the second in my pet series that explores phrases and words typed into search engines to produce Nigeria related results. Again, don’t forget. The only reason why these searches specifically interest me is that they somehow led web surfers to my website and all webmasters are interested in what sends traffic their way.

The way some of us string words together in a search, it is a miracle of the modern day variety that servers don’t crash along the way as the software and hardware work overtime to decipher our jargons. It is a bigger miracle still that we obtain any result even remotely close to what were looking for.

Take the following for instance: “Newspapers magazines man is nothing without the gods”. What sort of result is that supposed to generate? I got tempted so I typed it into Google to see what would happen and it pulled up websites listing “Jesus’ Alien ancestors”, “Dungeons and Dragons” and strangely enough, 2 pages from this website. The Writers Write main page as well as the one page devoted to some of my attempts at poetry.

Well, here goes! Enjoy the ride, if you can understand it!

“Vultures at night”
Meeting time…

Will also be at the meeting.

“Thug life in America”
It’s a hard knock life. That’s what they tell me.

“Poems about broken bones”
Woah, if Wole Soyinka could pen a paean to his first grey hair, why shouldn’t we have poetry talking about broken bones? So, will this be titled To My First Broken Bone or what? And when he gets another, that one will be To My Follow-Up Broken Bones? The same chap probably wrote those other masterpieces, To My First Attempt at Masturbation, To the Stink From my Left Shoe… and for his woman, he wrote To Her First Broken Fingernail.

“Naked Nigerian Women”
Go watch Chico Ejiro’s movie, Shattered Home. Sick sick man. Still, I find it of particular interest when people search the Internet for naked bodies of particular ethnicity. Could it be that you can tell the difference just by looking at the nakedness of a Nigerian woman from a Ghanaian woman? Isn’t black just that – black? Or are the “attacks” and “defenses” shaped differently, more ample in some?

“Naked Nigerian men”
We don’t post our photos on the Internet, you hear? It is not a Nigerian thing. We may be sick, but our sickness never reach that yonder.

“Education in Nigeria since the inception of democracy”
Same as education in Nigeria before the inception of democracy. Why do you think things changed?

“Sensual massage Brooklyn”
The same guy probably searched for “Sexual massage New York city” Check the Yellow Pages. If your body needs some panel-beating, good place to start.

“Sir Shina Peters”
Ijo Shina. Dance with your chest.

“Misconception of Africa”
You’re opening a can of worms, buddy. You could write a book on that topic. Hell, you could write a 20 volume encyclopaedia. Where do you want to start? The countries – individually misconceived?

“Will reparation for African Americans work”
It ain’t gonna happen dude. Not in this lifetime and plane of existence. Besides, I had the impression you folks are kind of glad your great grandfolks got out of Africa before the ship went aground? Reparations? That’s one boat that ain’t gonna float.

“Search for secondary schools in Ibadan Nigeria”
Too many words, buddy. You have totally confused the engine. Next time, try “Ibadan + School”. Or just hit one of those reunion websites.

“Wet Nigerian girls”
Oh, our girls get wet too. Honestly speaking, they do. But you will have to wait for the rainy season to see them in that condition. If you are fit and randy (I mean ready), you may also follow them to the river where they take time to pour water on their heads to cool down before returning home with the water they have gone to fetch. They also get wet when they are washing the clothes… You know, we don’t use washing machines like all these Oyinbo pepper people. You should see the muscles on the “washer woman” in my area. She gets wet when she washes too. That’s the sort of wetness you’re talking about, right?

You can also get the girls on this side as wet as you want them to be, you know? Just get a bucket of water and splash it on any girl you run into in the nearest O’Dabro store.

“Picture of Sola powered car”
I don’t power cars. What do you think I am? Batteries? Oh, you mean solar? Sorry.

“All Nigerians living in USA”
Na we be dis o, my mother’s husband. We dey for dis yonder o! You no go fit find all of us for the Internet sha. Dat one go hard small. We plenty, ya hear?

“Yelling tree frog”
Hush up! People are trying to sleep!

“Nigerian men in America”
All taken! At least that’s what my single female friends tell me. You have to find your own Nigerian husband before you come to America or you will have a tough task of it. All the good men are gone. Only the credit card swipers are left.

“Yoruba love poems”
You fit chant so?

“The wild man of Africa”
All moved to America. Really, web searches like this give Africa a bad name. Wild man…When will you folks shove this Tarzan “Bundolo” myth up some place where the sun never shines?

“Abnormal bossom”
Bro, I bow small. So, why would you be looking for that now? That’s what turns you on? What is your definition of abnormal sef? Super large, so large the tower leans frontwards? Tiny ones so small, you can’t even see the nodes? Cancerous ones? Mutilated ones? Why would you be looking for that anyhow? Cos you think you got a pair? I fear and I tremble.

“Female navel snuffing”
Is this about death fantasy and stuff like that? I tried the search and it took me to some terrifying websites. My broda, Oyinbo man dey try something. How to die go dey give some people romanciquine, I no know. But me I no get chest. Na mouth I get like person wey don chop bean cake. You try am if you get belle. No say I no wan you o!

The song or the real thing? Uche Ibeto never check out of Naija o. Likilikilikiliki sa sa sa sa!

“Sad poems about depression”
Are there any happy ones?

“I saw my cousin naked”
Dude, a little more info would have been helpful. We’re truly curious. Are you male and you saw your female cousin naked? Your female YOUNG cousin, not someone in her 60s? Good for you! Enjoy the view.

Are you female and you saw your young male cousin naked? Was he at alert like he just woke up from a dream full of bossomy babes like on Baywatch? Enjoy the view.

Are you male and you saw your male cousin naked? Or you’re female and you saw your female cousin naked? Is that making you feel excited? You’re a homosexual. Get with the program.

Now, whatever you are, tell us how you did this. May be we can get in on the action. Next time, put in the address of your house and we will find our way there to come and enjoy the view too. By the way, you didn’t see her on a porn site, did you? Send us the web address! We’re all eager to crash the server!

“Naked dancers in house”
What is wrong with all these sickos searching for nudity on the Internet, visiting and… (Did I just say that?).

“Hairy buttocks”
Whatever floats your boat friend.

“I am going to write about Yusuf”
Good to know. I am sure Yusuf will be flattered. Thanks for informing us. While you’re at it, why don’t you write about Bature too. And Mohammed.

“Free men underwear pictures”
Are there some you pay for? And what do you want to do with underwear pictures anyhow? Not even with the men in it, just the pictures…That’s what fries your egg?

“Very fat people women naked”
Pray one doesn’t fall on you, you this very skinny perverted man naked.

“Pictures of people flirting then taking their clothes off”
You shouldn’t be on the Internet. Go to a bar or the nearest Go-Go Club and your fantasies will become your reality.

“Benin city naked”
Wow! That’s supposed to be poetry, right? You’re trying to do that short poem magic John Pepper Clark Bekederemo did with Ibadan? Benin city…Naked. Wow! I shake my head for you. I shake am hard.

“Prostitutes pictures”
Get the real thing, buddy. Just watch out for New York’s finest or whatever it is they call themselves when they’re not shooting some unarmed immigrant.

“Picture of African Americans with corn rows”
Probably a brother from another planet. Haven’t you seen the movie called Signs? Beware of them corn rows, buddy. Especially rows with black dudes.

“How to call Nigerian cell phone”
There you go, throwing away the one excuse you have for not calling home! Why would you want to do that? It worked so well for me because I wasn’t lying. I really couldn’t get through to those stupid GSM phones that my brothers and sisters and friends who were always broke somehow found money to buy. The day I figured out how to make those calls, my phone bills skyrocketed! Well, do not say I did not warn you. Dial 011 – 234 – then jump to the 80…etc. Drop the 0 before the 8 and all should be fine, if ALL CURCUITS ARE (ALWAYS) BUSY, PLEASE TRY YOUR CALL NEXT YEAR (LATER)!

“Dialling one number but reaching wrong number”
The NITEL Syndicate don reach you! Don’t give them the MoneyGram details please! And don’t believe whatever they tell you, it’s a lie! Just abuse their mother and hang up.

“Pictures of Nigerian girls in America”
My brother dey find wife. Well, what does my pastor say…He who finds a wife finds a good thing. Ride on bros.

See ya some other time!

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ileife May 13, 2011 - 3:14 pm

Great sense of humour, you really had me in stitches…Kudos

FRANCIS November 14, 2010 - 10:13 pm

nice write-up!

urukwe January 15, 2010 - 8:28 pm

Brother,u ve done well.It takes alot of brain work to cum out with these.Keep it up

slow jim November 17, 2009 - 4:46 pm

i met a niggerian woman she is very nice. i had to looked up where niggeria is on a globe it was prety hard to find then i was confussed becose there are too cuntries next to each other niggeria and nigger and i had to look up where niggerians are from and what do you call people from the other country as that is a bad word in the america. good site tho thanks for making it.

nigerialist October 5, 2009 - 1:11 pm

amusing, nice job

dewale September 13, 2008 - 7:18 am

9ce job bro keep it up

precious May 31, 2008 - 9:44 am

u did a great work there,keep it up.luv u.

betrices May 9, 2008 - 2:50 pm

i need a man that i will luv with all my whole heart and that can take good care of me.

Tee November 15, 2007 - 8:03 pm

Nice job Sola, first time I'm reading your work. The "Search for secondary schools in Ibadan Nigeria" and "All Nigerians living in USA" are funny because that was me, I was doing search for my internet based business,, I couldn't stop laughing when I saw them on your page. Nice work, and comment #9 is one funny guy too.

Oluwabamidele June 5, 2007 - 6:50 pm

Hilarious! Thank you! I needed that! Peace out!

candacee March 2, 2007 - 11:37 am

lol thay was really good !:) i really enjoyed reading that .. the wet girls was HILARIOUS !!:D

Allen February 28, 2007 - 6:49 am

twas nice

very cool

ride on brows n sits luv y'all

Chi December 1, 2006 - 8:38 pm

Brother Sola,

Abeg na wetin you smoke before you write all these things wey you write? I dey try to understand and e be like the first time wey I read the book "Satanic Verses" by Salman Rushdie. I read am two times before I understand say na dream story na him he de tell.

What induced these titles and the paragraphs attributed to them? Were you hungry or were you just recovering from a fast? A beg whatever it is, no let am control you again O… If not, na Ifa priest your people go need to help cure the attendant malady.

If you like, make you blame am on Internet searches. I no fit see the relationship. Matter of fact I read some respondents wey de congratulate your sense of humor and I dey wonder wetin them too smoke. Maybe na your resume dey impress them and therefore they are inclined to be impressed by whatever comes out of your mind – whether coherent or induced by temporary fits of hallucination. Whatever it is, abeg no mind them. You know our Naija people, them go laf for ya front and abuse you for your behind.

All said, that was an impressive write up. Good job keep it up!

I am sure I surprised you alas I am Nigerian too. Maybe I am laughing at you, and then again, maybe Im not. I am probably just impressed by your audacity to reproduce such arrant nonsense I hope this is not sounding abusive thats far from the intent. It is just a pure honest intellectual contribution on my part or may I am suffering from a Garri induced euphoria after a hard Friday at work in no mans land!

What ever it is, you would never know, nor do you deserve to know. Ndi Igbo say It is he who brings an ant infested wood that invites the lizard to diner I guess I am trying to say be careful what you publish next you never know who is reading. Take care man make I go finish smoking this joint!

DeNitra October 11, 2006 - 6:39 pm

I almost fell out of my chair laughing! Thanks i needed that…

Tunde Adedoyin August 17, 2006 - 7:29 pm

Been a while I've read anything like this..You made my day…or should I say night? Keep it up..Beautiful piece…. like we jive when we're in the bottle…but na ogogoro we dey take carry bodi now…naija don tough…

Michael Chima May 6, 2006 - 5:26 pm

Quite an analysis.

Kunle Oredein April 8, 2006 - 9:09 am

You have a good sense of humour which is very rare these days, keep it up. You are what we and Nigeria needs. Thumps up all the way

Anonymous January 29, 2006 - 10:47 am

Hi i would like to ver away from the topic for a while and write about something that is a bothing me for so long; rencentl i me a nigerian man in whic i fell madly in love with i have been dating him for 2years, it was awesome the problem is he just informed me he is gay and has been from the begining of our realationship, i am a medical professional and fear that this guy has given me aids; i go for testing every 6months; he now wants me in his relationship with his gay lover. I am a black american and a strong black woman ,i never expected this in african men because of their strong will. So i am saying goodbye to the person i thought i would spend the rest of my life with: so i say ladies bother nigerian and any other status seek and ye shall find, what looks like a duck may be a chicken.

Anonymous January 25, 2006 - 10:55 am

Doesnt make much meaning here in Naija where there are hydra-headed probs be-devilling the common man.

Anonymous November 26, 2005 - 12:26 am

very funny indeed

ODE BOB November 16, 2005 - 12:59 pm

like your work very much.just want to usethis means to contact you cause I am in lagos.thanx


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