Answers Chasing Questions

by Victor Ehikhamenor

I’m in a funny mood this morning so indulge me a little craziness.

Go ahead Tony…Just don’t mix it up with laziness, although it rhymes.

I woke up this morning, you might say, from the wrong side of the bed and ever since questions have been running riot in my head.

There are days like that…you had a dance with the spirits unknowingly and they reconfigured your bed, and made the earth spin around you. It happens…

How come Buhari thought he would win the elections? The bigot!

Same reason that made Jesse Jackson, a Blackman, think he could win an election in a KKK country. Same reason Nigeria Airways thought an elephant could fly and made it their logo. It is a deceptively crazy world my brother, I tell you!

How come everything in Naija must become Christian versus Moslems?

Because there are always two sides to a coin…there is the face of an imam on one side and the face of a reverend father on the other side…but the problem is there isn’t enough space to fit the legion of pastors and other imams!

How come politicians say something and do the very opposite? Is that how they are born or do they learn it at those late night meetings?

You spelt that word wrongly…it is spelt POLITRICK-CIANS…remember a well without water is an ordinary hole. Politicians without lies are like tea without sugar.

How come politics is such a dirty game?

Because it is full of lies…And lies get you dirty…

How come Kris Okotie learnt to speak simple English only after he had been so roundly trounced at the polls?

After rain come shine…after Holy Spirit comes calmness…speaking in tongues is a temporary experience.

How come Nigerians love power so much?

Is there anything Nigerians really don’t love…name one!

How come Nigerians love uniforms more than they love power? Is it the many years of military rule and militarization of our psyche?

None of them listened to Fela…Uniform na clothe na tailor dey sew am! Seriously, that is the only way you can suppress and oppress your fellow Nigerian…and the uniform is very cost effective too…you don’t need to change all the time.

How come every time someone bumps into me the first thing I do is grab my crotch to make sure my pecker still dey kampe?

It is a disease called Prickinoia! It is caused by stories that float around every December, stories that say some “ogbonge” man can make your abuna disappear with a hand shake. Wear gardening gloves, Tony, and wrap that thing with black paper bag, which is the only firewall known to save it from disappearing…

How come there are so many mad men and women in Lagos? Is there a relationship between poverty, stress and mental illness? Doctors help me.

Na you dey look them like that…I am sure the same thing runs through these “mad” people’s minds when they look at the politicians and think…”how come there are so many mad men and women so nicely and expensively dressed in Nigeria?”

How come there are so many pregnant mad women running around Lagos? And who in God’s name is knocking boots with these mad women and where the hell do they ‘do’it?

GO YE INTO THE WORLD AND MULTIPLY…was there an exception in that command? I did not think so…what is good for the goose is good for the pepeye!

How come OBJ is cutting cake in celebration when Nigerians are finding it difficult to eat “common” Agege bread?

Wetin concern agbero with overload… Abegi jo! Chop make I chop…And if you no wan chop, I go still chop anyway, then chop your own share on top!

How come God loves Nigeria so much? Is it because He knows that we can’t help ourselves? Is that why He insists on going the extra mile on our behalf?

For God So loved the World…John 3.16. Nigeria is a part of this world, even when it seems otherwise.

How come there are so many ritual murders and so many missing persons in a country where there are so many churches and so many pastors?

Ask the pastors now…aren’t they the self appointed prophets that whip out miracles like cowboys whipping out pistols? Ask the pastors, especially the ones that have been found with skulls in their bedroom!

How come OBJ’s Chief Economic Adviser keeps saying inflation is down when prices of stuff keeping going up?

A man that does not work hard for his money will always have his economics upside down…lets move to your next question.

How come you still have to queue for days to get a full tank while the oyibos are enjoying our oil and how come NNPC can’t repair their yeye refineries?

It is called Post-Colonial meningitis! It is a serious disease that makes you think the white man is still God…and that can debilitate your entire infrastructure, including the yeye refineries.

How come every Nigerian wants to check out and live abroad even though there’s SARS and Al Queda and earthquakes and tornadoes and skinheads and racist kids like the ones that killed Damilola Taylor?

The grass is always greener on the other side…you can deal with the hidden green snake in the green grass later. To the jobless and hungry, anywhere outside Nigeria will just be fine…give a Nigerian a place to rest his Kpali…he will rule the world! That statement was by Alexander the great of Umuahia!

How come NEPA is so terribly messed up?

The chemical imbalance that causes impotency and epilepsy was sprayed on the entire NEPA building the year it was built…does that answer your question my friend?

How come SARS is not yet in Nigeria despite our love for Ghali-vanting around the globe. Abi the Federal Ministry of Health is hiding it from us like they did with AIDS?

Because of the usual suspects…witches and wizards from the village. SARS will never get any credit for its job in Nigeria…

How come America has not found any “smoking gun” in Iraq, abi Saddam ran away with the Weapons of Mass Destruction?

It is not over until it is over…they are still looking, this Tony sef, you too hurry. Today dem talk say dem find one molue wey the thing full berekete!

How come Saddam didn’t agree to go on exile when he had the chance? How come no one told him that proverb about the stubborn fly and the corpse?

You mean na fly why no get adviser dey follow dead bodi enter grave? Tony, a man dies best in his own bed. When a rat hurries out of its hole, it usually meets untimely death at the threshold.

How come the same recycled geriatrics are still ruling this country since independence?

And I wonder why each of them is not stamped with “THIS PRESIDENT IS MADE FROM RECYCLED POLITICIANS” like the notice on the back of Hallmark cards!

How come Naija is so bloody sweet and so bloody bitter? How come?

Roses have thorns and thorns have roses. The bee that provides honey stings too…the abuna that urinates also dey born pikin. Chikena. Abi you get more questions? My head is boiling with answers for the ones you haven’t asked!

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