Nigerian Men Killing Their Wives – Calling A Spade What It Is Part [I]

by Idowu John Olorunsogo

I read Pastor Femi Awodele’s piece on Nigeriaworld related to the above subject. It made an interesting reading just like all of the other series of his. I must commend him on the excellent job he is doing through this medium to better the marital lives of all of us both home and abroad. Even though I’m a prolific reader of articles online, I hardly respond to any piece I read and I don’t form a habit of writing to any of the writers. But since this is a very sensitive and topical issue facing us, I want to say one or two things concerning his latest piece that I read recently. As we can also see on Nigeriaworld, some other writers have also made some useful contributions. With due respect, when I read Pastor Femi Awodele’s latest article, the man of God tends to slant towards the female’s side as if they don’t do anything that is ‘bad’ to warrant some of the ordeals they received. Please don’t get me wrong here. I am not saying here that killing of one’s wife is a good thing but we need to also educate the women folks on how to behave as good women as God had planned it in the beginning. We cannot solve this huge problem by just looking at the outcome or the fallout – the killing. There is a danger in this.

To address this problem of killing spree, we have to visit the root cause. In other words, to nip in the bud the unpleasant and painful or difficult experience that some women suffered from some of our men, we have to visit the devilish and dangerous games that some of our women play so that everybody can learn one or two things from them. Some of these unbecoming behaviour of some of our women have often been a precursor to the killing spree that we witness nowadays. All is not well with some of our women, I must confess! In an article credited to Abiola-Lawore, the author compiled some pictures and some stories behind each killing. One sister Jumoke-Akin-Taylor also wrote about the Nigerian women she knew, yet related to the same topic under discussion. A brother named Obeya Francis Kizito also hit the nail on the head on some of the things that our women are doing wrongly. He was able to raise some useful points on the same issue. In related news, The Punch Newspaper published a story about how one Sikiru Saka allegedly killed his wife at Ajangbadi Area of Lagos.

Anyway, our men have been given enough knocks by other writers while our women have only received minimal knocks. One begins to think or wonder if our women are innocent after all for them to be so exonerated seemingly. But both male and female, we are all to be blamed for this problem. To all our women out there, I also want to say to you here that I am not a male chauvinist and I don’t want to be one. What I am about to say here, I know, will annoy so many of our women. Some will like me but some will hate me. Nevertheless, I love our women and therefore, my only intention here is to inform and educate, period. I love you all but I will call a spade a spade while giving an unbiased opinion here. Let us pay more attention!

With all due respect to all the contributors, this article is written as a complement to what all of you have said rather than being a rebuttal or rejoinder. Since Pastor Femi Awodele who wrote on the above subject article was looking at the problem from a biblical angle, I will also try to start my race from that same spot as well. With all said, I will proceed with caution to discuss the genesis of the problem.

To start with, I will tell my people about the women I knew. The Bible that we all read did not teach us that Eve was poor and that that was why she was a loving wife to Adam. The bible tells us that in the original language, the name Adam gave his wife (Eve in English) referred to her being ‘the mother of all living.’ To be a mother of all the living I think is more than being a Billionaire in the present time. But Adam and Eve remained Husband and wife even with all the temptations.

The same could be said about other notable women in the Bible. Women like Ruth, Hannah, Elizabeth the mother of John the Baptist, Virgin Mary the mother of Jesus Christ were never mentioned in the Bible to be poor, yet they remained women of value, integrity, honesty and valour. These were some women that I knew. If Virgin Mary were to be a Nigerian woman she would have probably out of arrogance told her then husband to be, Mr. John, to go to hell and that she is now dating the Holy Spirit! If she was a Nigerian woman, she would have told Mr. John the Carpenter that he was no longer in her league.

Some of the writers concluded that the cause of the problem was the fact that some women are richer than their men. But, can that be the only reason? It is not only now that many women have been doing better financially than some men. Joanna and Susanna we were told in the Holy Bible provided financial support for Jesus’ earthly ministry and the duo were never for once said to be disrespectful or looked down on our Lord. Mary the sister of Martha and Lazarus was the woman who anointed Jesus with fragrant oil and wiped His feet with her hair. As pleasant as she was, she never for once looked down on our Lord. These are the type of women that I want to know.

Tabitha we were told in the Bible was noted for the good work and charitable deeds which she did and she was later raised from the dead through Peter. This woman of God did not for once look down on anybody, male or female.

What about Jehosheba in the Bible? This woman courageously saved a future king, the child Joash, from the murderous rampage of the wicked, self proclaimed queen Athaliah. Abigail the wife of Nabal was a woman of good understanding and beautiful appearance and she also saved Nabal from David’s vengeance. But the bible never reported them to be 911 callers or to be very proud individuals because of their remarkable achievement. These are the women we should be or emulate.

Shiphrah and Puah were the brave Egyptian midwives who feared God and would not kill the infant sons of the Israelite women. Do many of our Nigerian women even fear God at all? God said in the bible that the man is the head of the home and should be respected. That was never a conditional statement. God did not say a woman should only respect her husband if the husband is richer than her. Even with all their big ‘Geles’ in churches on Sundays you would think many of them will behave as godly women at their respective homes. But that is not to be. You need to hear some of these women when they do their stock in trade- gossiping. I say you need to see them talk or discuss. One cannot begin to say here the way they usually ‘yeye’ their men especially when they are on coffee-break in their various offices or when they say they go on ladies night out. Adultery to them is nothing but a game. They say it is all in the spirit of having varieties. It is their proud boast that they are sleeping around. Varieties they call it, but these are sins. If the husbands say anything, it is one threat or the other.

Some of our women will even say they are being caged by their men. Shedding crocodile tears profusely always if the man dares complain, the ‘gullible’ policemen are there knocking on his door. Many of the men that are still keeping their marriages are the quiet types that will rather keep quiet rather than losing their properties to their women. God has given them such wisdom to maintain close lips. They will rather remain dumb for peace to reign supreme at home. One Yoruba proverb says that ‘ti omode ba mo owo we, yio ba agba jeun.’ That is: If a child knows how to wash his hands he will dine with the elders. These men know exactly what they are doing. These men know how to overlook a lot of things at home but they only complain to their friends outside the house on what they are going through. Some women choose their husbands’ friends for them. Don’t move with this one but that one, you heard them say! These men dare not concur; they know the monsters they have as wives. If our men in return say to them, you too don’t move with people of questionable characters, they complain. As a man, if you annoyed that type of woman, you know what that means. Those men live in constant fear. Fear of losing it all in one day! My brothers and sisters, can you blame those quiet men, it is truly women world abroad.

Those men are quiet practically about everything. They are quiet about the amount of money being spent by the women. They must be quiet just to allow their women to have it their ways always. They give the women their space. These men do things and condone things they will ordinarily not do or condone back home. They swallow every insult in the name of maintaining a peaceful atmosphere. Meanwhile, the same woman will still complain and describe her husband as a jerk or WUSS as some people will say in America. A WUSS who dances to all her tunes and this she does not like again and that she likes and prefers a man who gives her a challenge at home. Let the man give her some few challenges, she will say she is not happy again. The truth is women don’t really know what they want. Many men do need to be thick-skinned to survive the temptations and harassment from some of our women abroad.

In addition, if the man is tired and does not feel like making love on a particular day the wife will be threatening him that she will go and be sleeping around. ‘If you cannot do it your mate will do it outside’, you heard them say threateningly. If it was the woman who was tired and the man wanted it, if the man talked too much, it is an intention to rape. It is women world out there. I even met a Nurse who told me that she was going to leave her husband. Her complaint was that her man does not make a lot of money and that he is equally not good in bed. Some of these women are just very critical about everything! I told her that but you have been living with the same man for years. ‘You got married to him, he brought you to America, and he spent all the money all alone just to make sure you became a Registered Nurse. He supported you all alone. The man is not idle, he is working and still doing the same job he was doing at that time he was spending money on you to make you a better person in America. Now that you are a Registered Nurse, are you now just coming back from your trance to know that your man is not now good in bed? Suddenly, you now know that your man is not making enough money.’ I said to her. Will God not judge such a woman?

Lest I forget, after many of our women have now completed their nursing program or any other program and they are now earning some dollars, the time is now ripe for them to have a separate account. They will concoct one lie after another just to open a separate account. Women! Some of their friends and relatives will even advise them to have a separate account. As stupid as some of these women are, they have now suddenly forgotten all the good things that their men have done for them. I remembered a female friend of mine who was traveling out to meet her husband after her wedding. I also remembered the pieces of advice she was being given upon leaving. Some people were telling her that her career is very lucrative abroad and that she should not have a joint account with her husband. Such was the plot before she even left the shore of Nigeria. Our people!

In another dimension, surprisingly, a woman who had once lived in Nigeria for 30 years has suddenly forgotten her own culture and values (family/moral/traditional) within three years of living abroad. What a shame! Even the so-called white women don’t even care if they make more money than their husbands. I have seen a white woman, a medical doctor who got married to a mechanics. I know another female medical doctor who got married to a Truck driver. I don’t have to be a genius to know that a medical doctor is likely to make more money. But these female doctors still live happily with their men. Some Nigerian registered Nurses should learn from this.

As greedy as they are, some of our women upon traveling to Nigeria on holidays will still go and sleep with their former boy friends and sugar daddy. I even heard a gist about the wife of a notable Pastor abroad who will always go to Nigeria with her husband for a Conference. This woman of God (or should we say woman of devil) will also instruct her former boy friend to lodge in the same hotel that she and her husband stay. Anytime the man of God is not around, this woman will sneak to her boy friend’s room for some action. Can you imagine that?

There’s nowt so queer as folk, so they say. To some Christians among our women, all in the name of holding a Prayer meeting or session, they will turn the prayer meeting to a gossiping arena. They will gossip about their individual husbands. Everything that is happening in their homes, they will reveal to their partners in crime, the prayer warriors. This is the joint where some of our women get an ill-advised proposals and initiatives that they executive at home. This is where they get the idea of those strange characters they display at home. Stupid advice from stupid people, one would say. The same can be said about some of our Muslim sisters out there. Can we deceive God?

Sorry for the little digression. For those women who are terrorizing their husband at home and still want their husbands to be good in bed at the same time, I have a word for you. If you don’t know, a man ‘thing’ is connected to his heart. If you want more actions, be good to your man. They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. This is food for thought for our women out there.

That brings me to another point. I know them; it is when some of our women are having other lovers elsewhere who are deceiving them that they say all of these jargons to belittle their husbands. Some of our women will say their men are not good in bed just to bring down their men at home. Our women should know that the grass is not greener elsewhere. “That your new boy friend who deceives you by bringing you roses every afternoon will change immediately he gets married to you. The ‘love in Tokyo’ is never perpetual. The honey-moon may soon be over. Some of our men will use you and dump you after sleeping with you. You have lost your husband who was there for you when things were not so rosy for you. Through thick and thin your husband was there. I say he was there at the beginning. Now you have chased two birds and lost the two. You have now lost your husband because of your greed and lack of wisdom.” “Hard I know………….2ce” will now be the new chorus that they sing.

I was reading an article sometimes ago written by Sabella Ogbobode Abidde and titled: Why Do African Men Go Home to Mary? Being an apposite article to this discussion here, the contents of the article fascinated me as did the reactions of people who commented on the contents of the article. You could take time to go look at the article and see what people are saying. Therefore, another point worthy of mentioning is the fact that some of our women are not genuinely in love with their men. It was all marriage of convenience. Some followed their men to America and left them once they could find their feet while some of them left once their feet touched American soil. What am I saying here, some of our women will still carry their ‘cupboard love’ all the way from Nigeria to America. Human being!

One African proverb says “When you have chased a goat towards a wall, eventually when it gets to the wall, the goat will turn and face whoever is chasing it. One Yoruba proverb says: If a man is running helter-skelter in the middle of the day, it is either he is chasing something or he is being chased. A man can only take so much. And they say Revenge is sweet. I guess the result is what we see nowadays – Killing spree. I believe those women were killed by their husbands in revenge for the untold activities of those deceased women. To those men, I will say that this is a crude and barbaric way of taken one’s revenge. The bible does not support this act in anyway. God has said it that vengeance is His and that He will repay the evil ones. I will not write much on this because the nefarious acts and deeds of such men have already been condemned by other writers. You can also read Part [2] of this Article now.

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Chinyere Okafor September 11, 2010 - 3:17 am

To, Idowu John Olorunsogo

Are you still there?

Your detailed contribution to this problem shows your concern and I applaud you for that. It is not about women loving you or hating you as the writer – you are entitled to express your opinion and this shows that you care about the ugly situation.

I comment on some of your assertions as follows:

You say, “Anyway, our men have been given enough knocks by other writers while our women have only received minimal knocks.” This is not about balancing the blame, but about contributing to solutions. If we focus on balancing the equation, note that the scale of murderers is very heavy on the male side. Please let us not talk about balance. Your point about the BEHAVIOR of wives is very important, because something must be the trigger in the brain of the murderers, yet the response to that TRIGGER must be addressed since nobody has a right to take out a live – his or hers.

As you said “If Virgin Mary were to be a Nigerian woman she would have probably out of arrogance told her then husband to be, Mr. John, to go to hell and that she is now dating the Holy Spirit!” Note that calling all Nigerian women “arrogant” does not help matters in a problem-solving discussion like this. But you are probably talking from your own experience. It is different from that of many contributors to this discussion.

Again, you generalize about Nigerian women when you say “Adultery to them is nothing but a game.” I wonder who they play the game with – men? And what do you say about their co-players? From generalizing about women, you move your complaints to nurses whom you call “stupid,” and my question is, “Are all women nurses? Are all nurses stupid?”

The premise of your whole article is based on justifying the killing of wives by their husbands, so your half-hearted assertion that murdering of wives “is a crude and barbaric way of taken one’s revenge” does not RING TRUE to your detailed explanation of why wives are murdered and suggestion that the wives deserved it when you say, “A man can only take so much. And they say Revenge is sweet. I guess the result is what we see nowadays – Killing spree. I believe those women were killed by their husbands in revenge for the untold activities of those deceased women.” I strongly disagree with you. Again you generalize. This is not a gender war. Those women beloved daughters of fathers and mothers, brothers and sisters. You don’t seem to know any of them personally and if you do, it is unfortunate that you know only the negatives. The women do not deserve to be killed by their husbands. There are laws that protect individuals and spouses should be encourages to take advantage of the laws, the help of their pastors, community elders, organizations and many other resources.

Chinyere Okafor

didi September 9, 2009 - 7:16 pm

this is a bunch of lies no sensible person will believe this. the writer of this piece should be ashamed of himself.

LaLa April 25, 2009 - 11:35 pm

You ought to be ashamed of even having the audacity to write this article. If I could set this article on fire, I would. How dare you blame the victims of these barbaric crimes, for being killed? Better be careful, what goes around comes around, and you better pray to God that you are not on the receiving end of being murdered…would you feel that you deserved it if someone killed you? Listen women are not PROPERTY and if a man isn’t happy he needs to have enough courage to walk away. It is selfish to think the only solution is to kill your spouse. If a man is that unhappy then he should turn the gun on himself!

ngwoto March 5, 2009 - 3:33 am

Beautiful article. Truth hurts but must be told

archiwiz October 8, 2008 - 9:15 am

Another article on what Nigerian women should do and have not done in order to prevent the “animal”, “master” that is their husband from doing whatever…. Yawwwnnnn…..

Take a look at men’s track records in Nigeria my brother… You all have no leg to stand on with regards to a woman’s choice of what she does with her money…

It seems sad that now Nigerian women feel empowered enough to speak of their problems within the household, and do something about it, the men raise a lame uproar, or they go kill their wives… Thank God you, and your like are not all there are to men in Nigeria…

Also, do note that you didn’t know these women of the Bible you speak of. Its impossible to know them the way you know Jesus Christ (assuming you’re a born-again christian), so I would advise that you try not to twist the Bible, or regard the mundane things of their lives as non-existent, and their shining qualities as all they are. They are humans – faults, wonders, and all; just like Nigerian women.

Rosie October 5, 2008 - 6:19 pm

What a wonderful well written piece of fiction. When can we expect the movie, “Kill Her Before She Does You In” Or a sequel, “If She Is Does Not Act Like a Woman in the Bible, Damn Her to Hell.”

The author tries too hard to validate a hateful trend of wife killing. IT IS WRONG. PERIOD. No amount of bible examples will make it right. Not even if your wife whores around, belittles you and makes your life a living hell. What ever happend to getting a divorce? Leaving her and moving on with your life? Na by force? If a woman is not happy, let her leave. If someone wants to walk out of your life, let them. You will be better off.


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