Hi, is this the head of the house?
Hello, my name is Jones. Is this the head –
I’m here. Can you hear me sir?
I think we may have a bad connection. Let me hang up and try again.
You will have to speak louder. I can barely hear you.
My name is Jones.
Bones? Okay. You will have to speak a little louder. I was in Cameroun during the war. A shell exploded near me and this left ear hasn’t heard well ever since.
I’m sorry about that sir.
No, Cameroun. It’s in Africa!
You can speak normally sir. I can hear you clearly.
You can’t hear me clearly?
I can. I can.
CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?!
Aghhh! Don’t speak so loud sir. I can hear you!
Hold on. I will switch the receiver to my right ear. I hear well on that side. Are you still there?
Yes sir. Can you hear me properly now?
Of course. This is my right ear. I hear perfectly in this ear.
I am trying to reach the head of the house sir.
You have to get to Heaven before you can do that.
Oh, is he dead? I’m so sorry –
Who said anything about death? Why are you jumping to conclusions without waiting to get the full picture? You think only dead people are in Heaven? Where do you think God and the angels live?
God and the angels? Did you say God?
Yes, God. G-O-D. I mean we all know where the other guy lives so there is no need to debate that. He lives down the street. Oh yes. He’s an American. The INS naturalized the devil years ago, without so much as an interview or fuss. But when I ask for a common visa they start huffing and puffing.
Forgive me sir, but I don’t have the faintest idea what God or the devil have to do with the INS or this telephone call.
I’m trying to tell you that God is the head of our house. I’m just the husband around here –
As a matter of fact sir, I’m calling for the head of the house here on earth. I’m glad for this opportunity to talk to you. You’re in a position of authority and that makes you just the person I need to talk to –
Hello? Are you still there?
I’m right here sir. Can you hear me?
Hello? Mr Bones?
Jones… The name is Jones! Is the phone still in your right ear?
Right year? Right year for what?
Your ear? E – A – R! IS THE PHONE IN YOUR RIGHT EAR!
Oh, I changed it. You know how difficult it is to hold the phone to the same ear for more than a few minutes.
Can you please put it back for a few more minutes?
Is that the time?
No, put the phone in the other ear!
I don’t think we have the same time. It is 5 minutes to 6 in the evening here.
I’m not asking you for the time sir. Can you put the phone to the other ear?
You can’t speak louder? Wait, I’ll move the phone to my good ear. Ok. Go ahead.
Thank you sir. I have just one word for you this fine evening. Congratulations!
Why? What for?
You have won a trip for 2 to the Bahamas! One beautiful week in the sunshine away from all the cold of New Jersey. No purchase necessary.
I won a trip?
Yes sir. A cruise for 2. Are you married?
Yes, but my wife is in Nigeria. Your embassy has refused to give her a visa so I can’t bring her to America. We have tried for years. I am so frustrated with the whole thing. Your doctors say I have a high blood pressure now, and I didn’t have that before I came to your country. And diabetes…all that sugar is killing me. I even have a feeling my wife is sleeping with my brother in Nigeria-
I am sorry for all your troubles sir. But you know, the best way to get over your troubles is a cruise! Get away for a few days and you will come back fresh and ready to take on the world. You don’t have to go with your wife. You can go with anyone you like. Some time in the sun is exactly what the doctor ordered-
You know my doctor?
No sir. Did I say that?
You just told me that he ordered time in the sun-
I mean that’s what he would recommend sir. You can go with a girlfriend perhaps –
Are you suggesting I am cheating on my wife? Oh, you think I am cheating too just because she is sleeping with my brother in Nigeria?
I would never say that about you or your wife sir. I mean you could go on the cruise with a female friend, a girl-friend, not a girlfriend. You can go with your friend, male or female. You can take your sister or brother-
I just told you my brother is sleeping with my wife. You want me to take him on a cruise? Is that some sort of reward for banging my wife?
No, no, no… Not that brother. Another one. I’m sure you have another one. I wouldn’t take any brother of mine who is sleeping with my wife-
Your brother is sleeping with your wife too?
No! Dear God, where did that come from?
You just said-
Yes, but I didn’t mean it like that! I’m not even married, dammit! You still got that right ear in there sir?
Good. Even if I do get married and my brother sleeps with my wife, I’d shoot him dead!
That’s an idea…You think I should kill my brother?
Nooooooooo! I didn’t say that! Look, can we please get back to this cruise business please.
It is a business? I thought you said I won a lotto.
Exactly. You’re our winner in this all expense paid trip to the sunny Bahamas lotto sir. It’s worth $2000. And you can take anyone you like. Isn’t it exciting?
Will I be needing a visa?
No sir. Absolutely not.
Are you sure? I went through hell to get a visa to America and I am not ready to go through that mess again. They always say you won’t be needing a visa, then you get to Germany or Belgium or some other stupid place, and some small boy sends you back home. Do you know how many times they sent me back home before I managed to slip through? 4 times. I spent a fortune –
No one will send you back home sir. You have my word. Now to this cruise sir –
So I won a lotto?
I don’t remember entering any Lotto.
That’s the great thing about this offer. You don’t have to enter to be a winner! No purchase necessary. I am so excited for you sir. 7 days on the high seas and sand eating lobsters, meeting exciting new people, ring-side seat at classy entertainment –
Will Nat King Cole perform live?
Natalie Cole’s father.
Isn’t he the dead one?
Nat is dead? Who killed him?
I don’t know sir. I don’t listen to that kind of music –
You don’t like Nat?
Did I say that? You misunderstood me. If you like his kind of music, he must be a great guy. I’m sure the band will play some of his music. Can you give me your address sir? We have to come around to give you the holiday-
Can’t you just mail it or something?
You don’t want to delay such an exciting offer sir. Just give me your full name, address and credit card number –
Credit card? What do you need that for? Isn’t this supposed to be free?
Indeed it is sir, but you will need to pay a $100 processing fee. Remember this trip is worth $2000. You only have to pay for your meals and accommodation –
Or, so that’s how you plan to get money from me? By inflating the other expenses?
This is an offer you can’t afford to miss sir –
That’s true. I miss her. I miss her a lot. But now that she’s sleeping with my brother…
Sir, did you switch the phone on me again?
Okay, I’ve had enough of this conversation. You’re obviously too thick to realize the person on the other end of the phone is eons smarter than you and will not fall for your marketing antics.
You’re not deaf in one ear?
That’s your fate, if you continue in your current profession. People you call will scream at you until you go deaf in one ear and blind in one eye.
I have to hang up the phone now sir. I have taken too much time already. If I spend this much time with everyone I call, this company will go bankrupt.
Ah, now you know how we feel when we receive so many telemarketers’ calls in the span of an hour. Take your own advice. A cruise is what the doctor ordered.