Rejected For Loving a Nigerian Man

by Patricia Daboh

I just hung up the phone on my mother tonight! This is the second time I hung up the phone on her since I married my Nigerian husband on January 4, 2007. She insulted me more highly than I thought was possible. As I am writing this, I am still wondering, “What in the world is wrong with my mother!” “Does she not know how much she has insulted me!”?

The closer it gets to the time when my Nigerian husband and stepson will join me in the states (prayerfully in June), the more my mother reveals what is in her heart.

In marrying my Nigerian husband, I find that I, an African American woman, have taken on the entire country’s fight as well. I mean I am called on, through thoughtless remarks or questions, to defend my choice. And tonight, my mother actually told me that she does not want my Nigerian husband or Nigerian stepson to come to her house and meet her when they arrive in the states, for she is afraid they carry a deadly disease. Now my mother is 73 years old and has multiple illnesses in which she has been fighting and dealing with for years. But all of her illnesses are under control with her daily dose of numerous medications.

You see I live in South Carolina, and my mother (with the exception of one brother) live in New Jersey. When my husband comes to the states, we had planned for him to fly into JFK airport in New York (straight flight from Lagos, Nigeria), so we could go to mom’s house in New Jersey from the airport. That way, my husband could meet my mother, one brother, three sisters, and other relatives. However, mom, had been asking me if my Nigerian husband had gotten the “all health clear” of not having AIDS, asked me again. She finally just came right out and said, “Instead of coming here to my house when he and his son gets in, we will just come down to your place and visit you this summer”. It really didn’t dawn on me what she was really saying until later tonight. When I thought about it, I realized that my mother, whom I see only about twice a year due to my job schedule, would never in the past reject a visit from me (except now!) I, therefore, called her back and asked her why she would rather that we not stop in and see her at her apartment, but rather, she would prefer to travel over 700 miles to come to us when we get home. She said, “Did your sisters or brothers tell you what I said?” I told her no they hadn’t, but I knew in that moment she did not want my Nigerian husband and Nigerian stepson in her apartment. So, I said to her. “You know I never did ask if it was alright for my husband and stepson to stay with you for a week, but I automatically assumed it would be alright, for they are my husband and stepson!” That is when she said that the doctor told her sometime ago that she should not be around people with “deadly diseases”, and therefore, she did not want them in her house. I asked her why she felt they had a deadly disease (and I was fuming with anger on the inside and trying not to show it in my voice over the phone), and she said they were from Nigeria. I asked her if she realized that she had insulted me to the highest level, for they are my husband and stepson, and we come together as a package. I let her know that if she rejects them, then she is rejecting me! I asked her how does she know one of her own children (my sisters and brother) do not have AIDS when they visit her and sit on her couch. She strongly informed me that, “Her children do not have AIDS!” Well, in the end I hung up on her, for she was insistent that my husband and stepson are full of a deadly disease simply because they are from Nigeria. Now mind you, my mother and I are (or I thought we were) extremely close. I call her daily . . .. I send her funds when possible . . . I support her constantly . . . and I love her deeply. But tell me—how can I go back and visit her now? I mean how can I just say to my Nigerian husband and stepson when they come, “Honey, I am going to visit mom now, and I will see you in a week. Sorry, honey, but you cannot come, for mom does not want you in her house!”

I am shocked at her rejection. I reminded my mother that both of my brothers, the one that lives in New Jersey and the other brother that lives in Florida BOTH have wives that are not African American. One brother is married to an Italian girl, and the other brother is married to a Jamaican girl. I asked her, “Why did you not reject their spouses, but you, an African American woman, are rejecting an African man and an African child, which are closer to your ancestors heritage than my brother’s spouses?” This is totally ridiculous!

I can scream at this point. Imagine, my own mother, whom I love deeply and call daily to inquire about her health, well being, and financial security is rejecting me because she does not like who I married—namely a Nigerian man. Every chance mom gets, she always mentions something about a Nigerian (frauds, schemes, poverty, AIDS, lack of education, etc.).

My husband just buried his father this week, and the family is still grieving over their loss. I have decided not to tell him this turn of events, for it would really hurt him. When I came to Lagos, Nigeria, his entire family welcomed me with open arms. I was treated like royalty, and here my mother, a good Christian woman will not even allow my Nigerian husband and stepson to enter her house. Lord have mercy! He was so looking forwarding to meeting her. At one point, he wanted to know if it was appropriate to bow to her, for he wanted to show her the utmost respect. I let him know that we do not bow to one another at all (males or females), but to hug her is good enough. Now, he will not be able to do that, for she probably does not want him or my stepson to touch her.

You know what, I am sick and tired of how bad people react when they hear the word Nigeria or I am married to a Nigerian. I know Nigeria has many issues, and the recent election did not make it look any better, but what in God’s name is wrong with people. Why cannot people understand that all of Nigeria is not bad, but there are actually some wonderful, intelligent, kind, sincere, and HONEST Nigerians?

I am just angry with my mother tonight! This situation is just ridiculous . . . ! My heart goes out to mixed couples, for this treatment, especially coming from Christians is just horrid!

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Onyejowu Sunday February 26, 2011 - 5:57 pm

I really appreciate your courage and understanding. How i wish, thousands of African Amrican ladies out there can reason on the same line.

BEN May 30, 2010 - 6:15 am

haters pls close your mouth Nigerians are good as you have bad people in America so as it is all over the world do not allow any body to destroy your marriage hence you are living in peace

cynthia May 16, 2010 - 6:59 pm

i am 65 yrs old and he is the same age,i have noted during our 2 yrs of dating and before then of the children he have,seemingy so oroud to be the father of these hildren and stay in their ives,as a matter of fact just attended his youngest sone high school graduation,but on one hand he is so spiritual than on the other hand why some many children…i feel that heart brak reminds the same color,whether american,japanese,chinese,nigerian,jamacian etc……so whu do society lends so harshly against nigerian men, i was married 38 yrs to an all american man and guess the nigerian man have told the same lies thatt the american man have said so why generalize,evan at my age,i am very careful regardless of who i date,but please stop generalizing people

Mary May 6, 2010 - 2:41 am

Hi all, Destiney. I was sitting here reading these comments also. I am also considering a relationship with a Nigerian male. And I have taken the same approach. I will only consider how he treats me. Some friends have made some stereotypical comments but I quickly set them straight. He treats me with the utmost kindness and respect and that’s more than what I can say about some African American men. It’s nice to know that I am not the only one in this situation. And regardless of who is loving whom…everyone be BLESSED!

Heidi Engel April 26, 2010 - 7:42 am


I am no judge of race… but my 57 year old White German Fiance left to go to Nigeria to work with Shell oil and there united with a 20 year old Nigerian Singer and Dancer…. lets see… it wasn´t about love…. it was her way out of Africa and to gain her European citizenship. She is not even a grown up. By the time she is 27 and wanting to be her own person, he will be an old man. The shock of the experience has been evough… the pedophilia, the robbery, and believe it or not the total scam…. of it all.

Destiney January 26, 2010 - 6:22 pm

I’m an African-American woman who is currently considering a relationship with a Nigerian man. It is most disturbing to read alot of these posts as it confirms ignorance is still alive and well. As far as I am concerned, I am the least bit concerned with race and MOST concerned with how I am courted and treated throughout the relationship. There are MANY MANY MANY African-American men who havent the slightest CLUE what it means to be honest, genuine, or faithful. The same way there are Nigerian and men of ALL races that lack those qualities. You cannot judge an entire group of people based on your personal experiences with one or two. I plan to judge this man solely on how he treats me and quite frankly my family could agree or not. Ultimately if we ARE married, I will be waking up to him everyday. Not my family.

Awol iyawo December 29, 2009 - 8:09 pm

Thank you for sharing your story. That just remindedme of all the horror stories I have heard right here in America concerning our own American men. They do crazy stuff too. This African American woman was so in love with this man thatshe use to clean his apartment and dress itup real nice. Not knowing it was for another woman. He might have told the other woman that she was his maid. I know not funny. But he married the other (Christian) women without even letting her know. If

Awol iyawo December 29, 2009 - 7:47 pm

That’s not fair. I know African American women who are married to Nigerian men and have been for ove 20 years. I pray that all women who are married have men who will appreciate how these women have sacrificed and stay in the marriage. One thing, continue to work and save. No matter what. Enjoy life to the fullest in any marriage.

Awol iyawo December 29, 2009 - 7:40 pm

Thank You Nathalie,I believe it is better coming from you than anyone else accept the man she is to marry or God. That is why some of the people are so demanding concerning her marriage to this man. We cannot live your life for you thou. PLease continue to live, love and find peace in this wicked word.

Awol iyawo December 29, 2009 - 7:33 pm

He will trreat you as you let him. Remember you are a lady and he is a man. Research for yourself how your Nigerian man is. What you see is what you get. Just like these American men. Live, Love and remember to love peace.

Awol iyawo December 29, 2009 - 7:25 pm

How unfortunate the true history of who we truly are has been lost. I also searched and searched, util I was lead by the Spirit to unite with Liberians, Nigerians,Sereleons?, Camoroonians and Sudanese. What a wonderful people I have met. Not all were kind. But it was nice to get to know them and their culture. I believe it was told me that most Nigerians and other Africans are pure African Blood. But African Americans who came by way of the slave trade are mixed blood. Everyone wants to be accepted nd to have a foundation. Just so happen ours (African Americans) have been ripped from under us and now we have buildt a new foundation. Love everyone, don’t consider yourself a fool when you get used or abused. Continue to pray to God for help. Remembering that we by the Spirit can survive as our ancesters did.

Awol iyawo December 29, 2009 - 6:56 pm

Truth or not, Africans and white Americans stole the African Americans from their Motherland? There has been separation of families and cultures in most black families du to this struggle. The minds of most BlackAfrican Americans have been to not trust, tolive in a survival mode to get what they need. The ugly name calling was brain washed into so many children who didn’t undestand were they came from. You must remember Black History has not been taught in America as History. It is sad. I ask you to not put every African American in one box. I have been treated very bad by adult Africans (male and female), mostly Nigerians.But I would never say they are allthe same. People do what they know. What goes into the mind is what will come out. That is why education is so important. Not just acedemical education.

Awol iyawo December 29, 2009 - 6:41 pm

That is not Christ like for you to take what MRs. Daboh to heart. She seems to be in lots pain and yourmean butt just put salt in her wound. Bitter not better. But to feed bitter bitter leaf, it only stays bitter. Put alittle sweetner in there honey. You are correct concerning marriages all being the same accept when a lady marries a foreign man she feels he is better than some of the American men she might have dated. Also there are some men and women that marry for citienship. It happened to that lay who wrote “HOW STELLA GOT HER GROOVE BACK”.

Awol iyawo December 29, 2009 - 6:23 pm

I have been married to my Yorubian husband for 5 years. Each year he has a reson to go to Nigeria. He also needs to send money. Me being the Christian I am believe in mission work, didn’t mind atfirst. But there comes a time wen home comes first and his home is Nigeria and the Nigerian people. Only under followed throw threats does he seem to realize he married me an Africam Amercan woman that deserves to be loved and respected as I do in return.

P78 December 25, 2009 - 6:30 pm


P78 December 25, 2009 - 6:25 pm

Everyone is escaping something!!!

WACKYJACKY December 13, 2009 - 9:26 pm

hi I have been seeing a nigerian man for 6months now but I feel like i have known him for yrs. i live in uk recently he was arrested for overstaying and working under a false name he is now in prison waiting for sentencing .

I have always been a sceptic about dating nigerians becauseof their reputation but i must say anthony is so different and loving he asked me to mary him and i said yes but now he is facing deportation and a criminal record which makes things difficult for us to be together unless i give up all that I achieve here and move back to trinidad with him. moving to nigeria is not an option,I have a very good job and i am at the top of my banding as a nurse I dont know how my mother will feel about this i love him and dont want to be with out him in my life everthing i have here seems useless if i cant be with him i am so confused and unhappy i dont know what to do

Theresa November 27, 2009 - 2:33 pm

Hey, Im a Malaysian and Im dating a Nigerian and our relationship is for 2 years. My mom could accept our relationship but my father could not and he keeps calling my bf an Indian (He is always like that. When someone has a dark skin tone colour, that person will be always known as an Indian to him). Anyways, I dont care what my father says about me and him being together because I believe that its not his life but its mine. If he wants to abandon me as his daughter, he can go ahead. Its a free world cause if he dies and I stood by his decisions, I will regret the rest of my life loving the person which I dont love at all.

So my advice to you is your mother is not young and she is old and once she is gone, you will regret making decisions based on her and not based on you so no matter what, just put up with it and stand by your grounds.

God's child June 8, 2009 - 11:09 pm

OH MY GOD !!! I read your story and several other’s comments, all I can say to you is DON’T BE ANGRY WITH YOUR MOM FOR HER FEELINGS, ALLOW HER THAT. AND RESPECT THAT.

I have loved Nigerian men since I was a teenager and disappointed by my american baby daddy at only 3 months pregnant.

I dated a nigerian doctor for 3 years, found out he was married when he sent for his wife.

I dated a nigerian cabdriver for 5 yrs. then he went to his country, got married, and brought her here a year later.

I met and married a nigerian who had only been in the states as a student for 2 yrs prior to me, less than 6 months of marriage he went after every american woman that looked his way, including 4 of my girlfriends and he said he didnt know he shouldnt do that, meanwhile we were filing for his papers, until someone told him he should just pay a girl in New York $200.00 get his papers and be free, we divorce.

I dated another Nigerian who said “look, I like you, but I had problems with Americans girls, so I don’t want marriage”. Going through all that I had been through, I thought I felt the same way, we dated for about 7 years, he went home, married and I learned of it from someone else. he wouldnt even tell me. finally he left the state.

I had known another Nigerian who after my ex moved we became closer, 2 yrs together we said we will marry, he said after he divorce back home. I was thinking he’s honest, it’s not like i would have known if he left her in Nigeria. he went home, no luck. he said the families have to meet. A year later he went home again, but this time he came back with no proof of divorce, and then I caught him trying to put voodoo poisoning in my drink and food. YES HE TRIED TO POISON ME! HE tried to explain that it was to make our love stronger, that it is called: olima, (I may not have spelled it right).

I AM OUT OF THAT HOUSE! Thank you Jesus, he didn’t succeed, but now sometimes I get paranoid of people around my food or drink, and I am no longer interested in an intimate relationship with Nigerians. I do have 2 Nigerian friends that I talk to but, from a distance.

Nigerians’s cultural is too umpredictable, all those I dated were from different parts of Nigeria and of different ages. BE CAREFUL, IF YOUR MARRIAGE FAIL, BE STRONG! DON’T HOLD ON TO ANGER AGAINST YOUR FAMILY BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT COMfORTABLE WITH YOUR CHOICE! if it fail, they will be there. if it work out, they will come around. life is too unpredictable, prescious and short, your mother is not getting any younger and tomarrow is not a promise. GOD BLESS YOU ALL.

Lesha April 4, 2009 - 2:14 am

Wow, I am too dating a Nigerian man. I love him and have good times with him. But in my heart I just think that its a phase. He will only love me for a short time, but in the end he will choose his own kind. In a conversation with his friends, his buddy said oooh you must take this lady to Nigeria, she cooks the food so good and she’s a good girl. Then my man responded in his language somthing and his friend responded oooh, but you’re showing her alot of your culture.

It’s sad because as a African American woman, our men don’t commit to the women or the children we make together. It’s very disheartning and when I try to date broader, it’s like you’re my woman for now but its temporary.

My advise for what it’s worth. The Nigerian man is marrying you for opportunity. An opportunity for advancement. I belive that man is already married to a woman there. Normally African men are not single fathers raising their children. African men are very charming and are intellectuals but they are loyal to their own kind.


wanee March 31, 2009 - 5:24 pm

I’m a Nigerian American woman and I’m bombed by his story. Ignorance is killing our society.

Lynette February 14, 2009 - 5:56 am

Pat if you love this man baby do you. I’m a 45 year old woman in love with a 28 year old Nigerian man and we will be married soon. I have family that dont like this and respect them for how they feel. what ever the out come is I must deal with it and I will be fine. I just say to you if you love this man marrie him and keep God in your heart and you will be fine. A man is a man and I must say my nigerian baby is the best thing that ever happen to me.

Cathy February 5, 2009 - 3:43 am

be careful Patricia as they dont have the same kind of morals or values that we have here in america. In their country its ok to be dubious so they dont see anything wrong with using someone and dumping them. Also they dont make good husbands i married one and ive learned alot if nothing else i can say its been a learning experience. He’s still waiting for his 5 yrs so that he can apply for citizenship i know it because he talks about it constantly with him friends so thus im still married to him not sure for how long but ive left it all in God’s hands. Their own women are skeptical about them but in comparison to american black men at least they dont have bad credit and a criminal background so all you’ll have to deal with is probably his rude friends bad attitude and the fact that he probably does not love you. Oh and also the fact that he will leave you once he gets his citizenship.

married to nigerian October 6, 2008 - 4:43 am

I agree. I am married to a nigerian man and have experienced all of this. After trying things his way and the way of his people, and now I do it my way. I agree that for a woman to retain any sense of self she has to first be true to herself. I tried the whole nigerian church scene and think that it is good for those who choose it, but not for me. I dont feel that all nigerians are the same but as a woman i hope that Patricia has been able to keep her head and her identify because a “wife” is not all she was created to be. I’ve been learning alot about this issue in my 1 1/2 year of marriage which has been challenging but truely worth it, and I have found that you do indeed have to take things as they come but not loose sight of yourself by submersing in your husbands culture. Im proud of my fellow nurse who in my opinion spoke the truth and spoke from experience too.

Isabella September 14, 2008 - 6:12 pm

Its so unfortunate that you would judge and criticize an African American. Please remove American off the title… African.. we all are. I’ve been treated the same way by Africans, Jaimacans, Afro Cubans, but I choose not to allow my encounters to generalize an entire population of people. I charge it to the indivisual and not a race. so sad to be so closed minded. You really need to work on your real issues which you will find have nothing at all to do with the bad treatment from African Americans. If we are so far off than international blacks then why are so many countries you’re from are so poor? why are the government so corrupt?

Mad african September 8, 2008 - 1:22 am

I just feel bad for Nigerian men that stoop to the level of dating or marrying African American women.

I love black women don't get me wrong, i will rather relate to caribean women or south american than american blacks. I came to the sates for college at the age of 19. Most Africans will agree with me that any african kid wants to meet black americans because we were raised to believe that they are our kingfolks. When you get to the states you will realise that african americans are very mean to africans, ignorant and always try to put us down. I never dated an african american woman because of the way they treated me when I first came to the sates, as a young teenager trying to go to college, i used to cry all day when some black kid called james used to call me names at mcdonalds where we used to work. At a point, i called my family wanting to abandon college in america and come back home. Anyways after several years, after my graduate school, now as a 27 year old, i visited my old neighbourhood in Nj, guess what james that used to make fun of me and my accent is still there at same mcdonalds.

I am not saying that all Nigerians are angels, all of them are not crooks either, you got to know someone well to pass judgement. For the lady's mother I nwish she could visit Nigeria and realise that african americans are not doing better than most Nigerians that live and work in Nigeria financially and otherwise, I feel stuck in the states anyways, I am always angry at my parents for bringing me here and I wasted all my youth and productive years here. Tell what is special about living in the states, 70 hrs a week job, stress, broken homes, ignorant people, hatred, gang banging, teen pregnancy, illiteracy. look at the report about divorce rate among african american, the record was not created by Nigerias. you black americans can tell your bull to africans back home watching BEt and MTV that never came here and see that you guys are worse off than any set of black people in the whole world in general.

African-Americans are less likely to get married and more likely to get divorced, according to experts who have studied divorce rates around the United States. The biggest indicators for marriage success — or failure — are age, poverty and education levels, they say.

Divorce among black couples is more prevalent than it is among whites or Hispanic couples, according to a 2003 study by Demographic Research,, a web site that published demographic research on the Internet and encourages an "international community of people concerned with population issues." The study on the site show that 32 percent of African-American couples divorce as compared with 21 percent white couples and 22 percent Hispanics.

While he thinks the reasons for the numbers are complex, Andrew Cherlin, professor of sociology at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, Md., tried to explain the problem: “Blacks are more likely to get divorced because, first they are poorer, and poverty strains marriages, and second because African-American culture places more weight on ties to grandmothers, aunts, and other kin than does European-American culture, compared to the ties between husbands and wives."

In a study called "The Topography of the Divorce Plateua," Dr. R. Kelly Raley and Dr. Larry Bumpass said the high rate of divorce among African-Americans “may provide an important insight for understanding the low, and decreasing, marriage rate for the group as well as the high proportion of the birth to unmarried black women,"

The researchers found that “70 percent of black women’s first marriages will end in divorce, as will 47 percent of white women’s marriages…" Age, education and income are major factors in the stability of all marriages, regardless of race or ethnicity, but those factors affect African-American couples more than others, according to the two researchers.

"It is likely that the more uncertain the prospects for marital stability, the more the potential gains from marriage are decreased and the potential costs increased…,” they wrote in their study.

That's not surprising to Divorce 360 expert Dr. Pamela Thompson, an Atlanta psychologist, who counsels couples in marriage therapy as part of her practice. “Marriage is virtually extinct in the black community in the U.S. today,” she said. “A person born in the black community has a 70 percent chance of being born to an unmarried couple.”

African-American couples who are married often have less than a fighting chance, she said. “What puts more pressure on an Afro-American married couple is that the female earns more than the male in many instances, and she has a more favorable career track. That upsets the apple cart in the natural order of things,” she explained. “As the head of a household so goes the family. If the head of a household is a man who isn’t pulling his weight, then he makes the whole family vulnerable."

She also criticizes black women for contributing to the problem. “In recent years there is harshness to black womanhood. Because her world is harder and tougher it makes it makes marriage for her much more fragile,” Thompson said.

Rev. Cedric Brooks, associate minister of Redemption United Methodist Community Church in Atlanta, thinks the decline in church participation among African-Americans has contributed to the problem. “There was a time when there was a stigma if a woman wasn’t married in the black community, particularly if she was pregnant. Today I run into women in the black community that want a baby but not a husband. I think it’s their maternal instinct, but they don’t want the jerk that comes with the baby,” he said.

Another factor: “The Afro-American community has attempted to integrate itself into mainstream American society," he said. "The more we’ve tried to do this, the more we’ve accepted the views of mainstream American society. The black community’s chase for money and material things has caused us to push aside the family and family values."

That's unfortunate, according to a 2005 study called "The Consequences of Marriage for African Americans."

The study was produced by five scholars: Lorraine Blackman, Indiana University School of Social Work and the African American Family Life education Institute; Obic Clayton, Department of Sociology Morehouse College; Norval Glenn, Department of Sociology University of Texas; Linda Malone-Colon, Department of Psychology Hampton University and the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center; and Alex Roberts, Institute for American Values.

The study's findings conclude:

Marriage improves the economic, social and psychological well-being of African-American men and women.

Black men receive more benefits from marriage than black women.

Financially blacks benefit more from marriage than whites.

Black women benefit less from marriage than their white counterparts.

Black-White differences in quality of marriage are an important reason why black women benefit less from marriage than white women.

Marriage results in important benefits for black children.

Marriage is definitely beneficial for male children.

Black children appear to benefit more from marriage of their parents than white children.

It is not clear why there are apparent racial difference involving black and white children and marriage.

Marriage matters as far as those who are concerned about black American and make policy.

Whatever positives the study shows, Thompson isn't certain what can be done to improve the marriage or divorce rates for African-Americans. “I try to remain hopeful that somehow marriage for African-Americans will improve, but I’m not sure how it can be turned around and improved when black women have few reference points to guide them,” she said.

Don Moore is a veteran newspaper editor and reporter who spent more than 40 years working at newspapers around Florida. He recently retired from the Port Charlotte, Fla., Sun-Herald. He can be reached at

DeeDee July 29, 2008 - 10:38 pm

I fell hard for a man that was Nigerian and he stole my money and my heart his only intention was to come to the USA. He never cared about me he only cared about himself. I hope you ending is happier than mine was.

Nathalie May 3, 2008 - 10:43 pm

Dear Patricia,

I will not fully give my name but there may be something you are not expecting to read at this time. I come from Africa and not from Nigeria but one thing for sure, we are all of the same blood. There are some men who would do anything to get out of the misery in Africa to come to the States. They do it here for those already in the states to get their papers and be able to stay legally(quickest way) in the states. You see they know that most of the women here (no insults) quickly fall in love and are willing to stay away from their family and friends just to get their way. All the while knowing that it is something they (these men) would never do back home (marrying a woman without the approval of the girls’ family and that is parents, grd parents and so forth) due to the traditions.

Please be very careful, you may feel in love right now and may have married by this time but this issue is no secret. I recently had some issues with the INS and I was shocked to hear the interview officer suggesting me to marry an american citizen so that I could quickly solve the issue! Yes, my dear and it is no lie! You see they know very well the deal!

I am just letting you know. By the time he gets his papers and is able to stay here without the need of an american woman, I hope his love for you would remain the same. I am afraid it may well be not the case.

Sorry to let you know the tuth. It may be hard but better is the one telling you te truth than those trying to make you feel good. Please, keep the good ties with your mom, when husbands and people around leave or disappoint us those we can always run to even at their old ages are our parents.

I am

Mrs. Ayodele March 8, 2008 - 8:49 pm

Patricia I too know the feeling. I am going to marry a man that also lives in Nigeria. We are in love. My family is not too happy about my decision to marry him. I am going to anyway. I pray that all is well with your marrige.

angel March 7, 2008 - 9:23 pm

Iwas in love with a Nigaerian man an broke my heart. I will never truat another. Be careful.

sabah February 7, 2008 - 2:25 pm

My heart goes out to you and your new husband. sometimes we have to forgive those who are ignorant and know not what they do….i am an african american woman who dates a nigerian man and i am madly head over heals in love with him. My dilema with the relationship is not feeding in to the sterotypical ideas of him and his culture but i cant help but think b/c he can be cold and very distant that he can care less b/c im american.As much as I try to understand him not as an african man but a man period sometimes I think based on his culture he is afraid to be close to me for fear of what others might think. I need help …how did you relate to one another and come to a point of marriage with all the odds being against you PLUIS trying hard to break down the barriers between the two?

Myeisha Bell December 13, 2007 - 12:34 pm

Iam with nigeria men too. But sometimes he ack like a nigeria man and sometimes he ack like american man. And i no they are to treat woman like queens right?.

Belinda Smith December 3, 2007 - 8:14 pm

I just needed to know that I was not alone!

Teri November 27, 2007 - 7:37 pm

i don't know if this will get to you, but would love to talk with you privately… i am also in love with a nigerian man, and i hear it all the time how this is no good the doubts the right up front judging and it makes me sick, i have met some wonderful people through this man and it is sooo sad the government that they have no control over has made it sooo bad that people just assume they are all bad… my response to that is this… i didn't know that God had created only certain countries that are evil… how ludicris is that…there are just as much crooked people in our own country it's all over the world which means that if people just get out of their heads and see that as long as there is ignorance about nigeria , very beautiful people will never have a chance now isn't that an injustice of our country????? i don't know.. all i know is because of all this it has made it very hard for me to get him over here, i have no idea how to start… i don't have much money nor does he and we are just looking for advice from anyone who may be able to give some kind of direction….i hope you recieve this bulletin, if sooo could you plzzz email me at, thanks **HUGS** Teri

PJ June 27, 2007 - 6:18 pm


When I read your post I started crying b-cause my situation is just like yours I'm also an african american women & I'm dating a Nigerian man & we'revery inl ove& we even talk about getting marriage. But,I'm so scared b-cause, when i firsttoldmy mother she had the same attitude she said all Nigerian people is a bunch of scam artist & most of the population has HIV. I was so, upset when she said that like America don't have peoplew/HIV too. It's so stupid how people could be so judgemental & stupid. My whole family is againstmy relationship w/ this man all I know I have prayed about it & I left it in God's hands for his will to be done & thats all U can do Patricia my prays are w/ U & don't give in to the devils trap. If u & this person is meant to live the rest of your life as husband & wife then don't worry yourself about what your mother say. God will turn her around one day I wish u all the best & cheer up remember he has the last say! peace & love, PJ

DionyDee June 16, 2007 - 6:48 pm

To tell you the truth I am really kind of confused. As a African American woman all of my life I have wanted to visit Africa and get to know more about my heritage. I have always wanted to meet a good man from Africa to teach me things that we have forgotten. I just don't understand why Africans are looked at differently than African Americans when we originated from the same place. These same Nigerians that we are sitting here talking about have the same blood running through their veins as we do. The only difference is the soil that we were raised up on. I wonder if you were to line up 10 Nigerian men and 10 African American men in a row could we choose the Nigerians from the Americans? It is very sad that we have allowed the American society to dictate what we know about our own people. (Africans) When I went to school I never learned anything about Africa and we as African Americans need to remember where our forefathers came from. We need to take it upon ourselves and trully learn about our people. Just like when we were children we thought everyone in the Bible was white and I wonder why. Well I can trully say this I would much rather have a wonderful Nigerian man who believes in family and education than an American man who does not. Until we get rid of these prejudices we will never fulfill Dr. Martin Luther King's dream. Need I remind you that He said that," I have a dream that one day ALL OF GODS CHILDREN," Not just Americans, Chinese, and British but ALL. He said they will one day walk hand in hand. Gosh people after all of these years that he had this dream it is still not being fulfilled as of 2007. It is sad that we forget so soon how we as African Americans received our blessings. Well let me remind you that we came over to this country not as free americans but as slaves and it does not matter how we got to be in this predicament. Slaves from this same country we have our noses turned up against. These same slaves lost their lives so that we may live in America as free people. And in my opinion just this fact makes the average Nigerian man or woman special and we should give them the utmost respect. Now I am not saying every Nigerian is good but I am definately not saying every

American is either. Come on people a man is a man and a woman is a woman.

Mary June 2, 2007 - 1:47 pm

Hi Pat,

I know what you are going through exactly!! I met you in one of the Nigerian sites and You put this in the response I had gotten from you.

You are so right about how people are with the Nigerians. I am a White/caucasion American who married a Nigerian Man. And the things I hear from the public when they find out that we are married. No matter what race, creed or color they are there are some good "and" bad in them.. They can be American and still use us for something. Let alone the domestic assaults that people claim for the other cultures to do.. Americans do it too.. its a bad problem internationally. My husband is a good man, and works his butt off just to try to have a life for us.

Its a shame that our world can't get along and respect one another. I know I did with my son's and it has payed off good. They are as open minded as I am now.

Stick to your guns friend.. stand your ground or should I say "keep" doing what your doing. Its your life your the one that has to live it and so be it!

Hugs to you friend!

atird May 31, 2007 - 4:43 pm

hi Pat sorry for want you had to deal with your mom. I do understand you wanting her to accept your new family. I 'm a afro-american waman in love with Nigeria man who wants to marry me in Auguest. My family doesn't want be to do this half are happy for me and half are not. There are some problem one is he is younger then me my 10 years. But he don't care about my age and long as we love each other. We both feel that God has put us together. We pray all the time about our relationship and my family. You need to pray that God will increase your mother love for your new family and that in her fear and God will keep her. Don't cut her off just keep loving her your husband can handle this. If he is anything like my Nigeria you too will pray for you mother love and God will take care of it. You and your new life be bless… sister in christ…..AtirD

Chi May 30, 2007 - 4:11 pm


Please get over it! I don't have any paper napkins to spare. By posting this information, you have not done yourself, your future spouse, your mother or anyone a favour.

This should have been a purely personal matter that you should have dealt with personally – my opinion. Of course Nigerians have many deadly diseases and your mother probably knows this better than you. She has a right to protect herself. A few years ago, a West African died a few days after arriving the States with a deadly disease – Malaria. Why? Because the smart US doctors misdiagnosed him and quaranteed him for this deadly disease that my 10 year old cousin could have prescribed Fansider or Artermisinin for a cure.

If I were your mother, I would refuse them visit or refuse to visit them for at least 3 months after their arrival. Now consider this scenario: You husband or stepson arrives with Malaria, and is bitten by a mosquito in New Jersey's sweltering tropical summertime. The same mosquito then goes on to bite your weak old mother – well considering the kind of inexperienced doctors you have, this could be a death sentence to you mother – a point in fact that she is probably smatter than she you think.

As for Nigerians visiting America, you need to be warned that America is full of diseases – no joke. These diseases can be ear borne – yes you heard me right. It could be transmitted by what you hear. Unlike conjunctivitis, some of these disease can be transmitted through what one sees – I kid you not! The greatest disease in America is TV.

It has caused the breakdown of many recent African immigrants marriages, destroyed several young people not yet old enough to make wise decisions and continues to wreak unavoidable havoc on the economy of Black people in America.

So, what's my point? None! I just think you should love your mother, your husband and your stepson. You are going to need to stop expecting some universal symetries and understand that no bias is built on nothing. Again, what's my point? Nothing – just love rambling and disconcerting people. Just kidding! Then again, maybe you should read in between the lines. Thank you.

1Kid2Luv May 30, 2007 - 3:09 pm

To Comment #16. Very interesting, but I must say that it is dripping with the bad taste that your failed relationship has left in your mouth. I, too, am American; southern bred as yourself, and married to a Nigerian. We are now separated but remain amicable. I agree that the blogger should not have dragged her mom to the Net, but blogging is a way of dealing with frustration. Lots of us have "mom issues" and "complicating" these issues is difference – in this case, the blogger's "different" husband. It is not your mom that's the issue, Blogger. It is you and perhaps how you feel about your husband being foreign. You are in for a rude awakening, sister. Your mom's comments are only the beginning of a very long and bumpy ride. You'll have to work hard at making your relationship with your foreign husband all right with you and only you. He will stick out like a sore thumb among you and your other American friends, especially on couples' night out, if you have one. You will hear your friends and family ask him all types of questions that will horrify you but also make you laugh at their ignorance. The best way to handle it all is to accept that your husband will be "different" here in the states and laugh at the response. It's like a bad movie (see My Big Fat Greek Wedding) but laughable in how we see difference. Enjoy your new man and immerse yourself in the difference, but DO NOT drown yourself in it, like Nurse Bishopville South Carolina. Women often find that when they lose themselves in someone else, and that someone else does not, for one reason or another, act mutually, they're responses are angry and bitter. Of course there are wonderful God-fearing Nigerian men all over the world — WITH green cards! Enjoy your life with your new family; laugh at the differences and pray for those around you.

Anonymous May 28, 2007 - 10:01 am

What an assumption by comment #12. Sorry to disappoint you, I am not Nigerian. I am an American, born and raised in Bishopville, South Carolina. I spoke out of experience. I learnt your Yoruba ways and your twisted English language (pikin) during my three years experience with a Yoruba man.

All the comments so far have been vilification of grandma, because her daughter chose to bring her up in your discussion board when you guys should be discussing on how to better govern your country. Where is your so-called respect for your elders? And some of you call yourselves Christians. I don’t blame you for the provision of the Internet.

I was with a Yoruba man for three years; learnt to cook your traditional food, which was the only thing he ate. Dressed up in your Yoruba attire to the match, along with the man and other iyawos, because he said that was how it is done. I immersed myself into the Yoruba culture, and what did I get? Abandonment. After he had secured himself the almighty green card. It was then he remembered that a family friend back home had helped sponsored him through university education and that his father wanted him to be married into that family. This was the same father that welcomed me with open hands during my visit to the Yoruba land and I was instructed to call him Sir or respond with sentences and end in Sir. This reminded me of the slave master days as a black American in the South. But who cares about my history and tradition. It has to be matching traditional outfits, and the Yoruba traditional ways. And, I did these things for the family I thought would be. Why would they care? The family had one thing in mind, suck me as much as they can, and after pikin got his green card, completed his medical residency, and built a story building with my money, then before I say where is omo, omo is no where to be found.

To Patricia, what ever she is on, love, voodoo, or the excitement of indebtedness for power, I hope the song will not be different in five years. You would have done better not to drag your mom to the Internet and find a way to deal with your personal issues. If these Yorubas commenting have the solution, they should tackle the issue of several concubines their men keep for their social outings. Since, you have already taken the jump, my only sisterly advice is this, if this is truly love, and not some voodoo excitement, avoid overly immersion into his culture as some comments have suggested you join whatever church they call it. These churches are not your traditional Christian church but more of the Yoruba culture and a way to keep you from who you are. If your man will become a professional once he is in the U.S., you are better socializing with professional minded people, both of American and African groups. This way you are not all about Yoruba, but still have your individuality in place.

Once again, to each their own. Just wanted to share the other side of things.

I am 33 years old and a Registered Head Nurse in Richmond, Virginia

sam osita May 28, 2007 - 12:47 am

The comment # 10 is unfortunate, ignorant and disgraceful.A lot of Yourbas or call them Nigerians are in america today without any 'escape ticket' like you call it.Nigeria is not as bad as media do portrays it.At lot of americans and citizens of other from countries live and do business in Nigeria.

renee May 27, 2007 - 3:11 pm

Well Girl, You love your man and stand by him because in the State"s a few Nigerian's have left a bad taste in Americans mouth, but each and every person is not the same, no matter where that person is from. Until that man do you wrong , you believe in him. And for everyone else screw them , they need a life, then they want have to worrie about Yours. People For years have always thought bad about Nigerians even my uncles who are from other parts of africa, have warn me all the time about my association with Nigerian men and women, but to tell the truth they are better friend to me than the ones talking. So keep your head up and Enjoy your marriage.

Mae May 26, 2007 - 9:37 pm

My best wishes to you, Patricia. I am glad to know that i am not alone. I am in love with a Nigerian man, and i plan to marry him in July. Like you my family feels the same way, but my decision has been made and they will have to accept that. Your mother will have a change of heart in the end.

Anonymous May 26, 2007 - 6:46 pm

To comment #10,

Oh God! So you're saying that Nigerian men only marry African American women for a meal ticket , or that they don't treat their women right? I hope you just know what you did to your own people by doing that–STEREOTYPING!( You insinuated that in your posting, not anybody on this website!

I don't agree with what Mrs. Daboh's mother said and I DEFINATELY will reject what you just mentioned. You're not anybody's psychic, mother or grandfather to predict their futures. If I were to know you( which I would never want to because I don't want to know ignorant individuals like your self) and for all you know it may last forever( yes, It may just hurt you feeling that even Nigerian/African-American relatiohship DO LAST!hurt your feelings doesn't it?).

Whether Mr. Daboh knows a lot about her husband or know little about one thing is clear about your internet character, whether I'm African-American or Nigerian I wouldn't want for my child to marry you, because you're natavist, hateful and ignorant as hell! The world is diverse and it is not yours! even in a predominately Black African country like Nigeria, there are Americans and other non-Nigerians living there so get used to it. You may prefer for Mrs. Daboh to have a failing marriage and to have something to rant about, but I guarantee the same words you uttered about her may come back to haunt you and I don't care if youre in a Nigerian on Nigerian relationship as I've even seen some of those marriages go down the tubes! While I respect culture, I will never respect ignorance like yours and if Mrs. daboh ever have kids, I hope that her chidlren grows up with a lot love , compassion and understanding. God knows I wouldn't want those kids to grow up with your venom!

Chiddy May 26, 2007 - 5:30 pm

I sympathize with you on what is currently going on.I know your mum might be afraid and all that but sometimes our elders have a point(not about your husband having AIDS and what not) but in the things they see.It could also be because of brainwashing and constant negativity beamed about Nigeria and Nigerians across the Western media.My prayer for you is that your marriage works and that you prove the nay sayers wrong.I hope your man is one decent Nigerian and that he does truly love and isn't just escaping from home.

Above all,I wish you the best and hope that things sort themselves out in no time.

Anonymous May 24, 2007 - 4:54 pm

Wooh!!, don't insult grandma now. She may have her own old ways, but let see what happens in the next five years after nice boy has settled down with his pikin, then he will remember his iyawo back in the Yoruba land. Yes, Patricia was treated as a royalty when she visited Yoruba land. What was the reason she was treated that way. My guess may be is because she is the ticket for Mr. Daboh to escape Yoruba land.

How much did know about Mr. Daboh before marriage? Well to each their own.

rifa May 24, 2007 - 2:46 pm

i sympathize with you. i am going through the same thing. i am a Jamaican and my fiance is a Nigerian. my mom is against us getting married. she thinks i am making a mistake and think all Nigerian men are liars. they don't understand that men will be men regardless what race they are. your mom will accept the relationship when she gets to know your husband.

Sam May 23, 2007 - 10:17 am

Your mother is just old and ignorant as old people can be sometimes. She sounds like a supersititous type of eprson that believes in throwing salt over your back if you spill it and other things that are equally stupid. If I were you I'd tell her that if she wants to act like a monkey, fine, but don't invlove you in her monkey ways. Most black people in America are scared of balcks from other cultures. Its a shame but also a vestage of slavery and a product of being American, She sounds about as Christian as the people that preach hate for other people they have never met and have only heard about through euqally ignorant people.

Manuel May 23, 2007 - 10:13 am

Pat, I am stupefied indeed. Worse still how do I counsel you without bruising your feelings? I have been there. And tell you what? You'd have to sit your husband down when he arrives one-on-one and open up to him in full details about your mum and all thats happened. Remember you are walking together as one and information is all he needs to help him prove to her (and indeed your family) that all Nigerians are not what they think we are. Alligning with a church may not necessarily help matters – afterall your mum is the product of a church – now you know even the bible does not teach nor encourage discrimination. It is very important he (your hubby) hears from you earliest.

Finally, remember in your new relationship, the closest person to you after God is your husband – not your mom nor brothers nor anyone else. After him, your stepson. The family unit is very important. The way you relate and deal with him will generate respect for him by your family – when they realise they cant involve or get to you without going through your hubby, they'd have no option but to come with tails between legs and tolerate him; gradually tolerance will lead to understanding. Best of luck sis…

Anna May 23, 2007 - 9:43 am

As you read in the other comments, your mother is old and set in her ways. I went through the same process with my mother when I told her I was moving in wiht my nigerian boyfriend. It was a shock, but she loves me as your mom loves you and she got scared, so while I told her that I was happy and I wasnt going to let that go, I also understood why she felt the way she did and waited for her to realize that its not worth it. In the end all that matters is that we are happy. Dont ever let your mom dictate what your decisions maybe, but remember she is your mom and she loves you, and it will take time. Also do not take offense, she has not met your husband and stepson, and does not yet know what wonderful people they may be. Give her the benefit of a doubt, and allow her time.

I wish you luck!!!

Mayo May 23, 2007 - 9:31 am

Hey Patricia,

I'm deeply sorry about the pain u have to go through. Such stereotypical judgements may be very difficult to live with, but i'm sure you know they are not new. It is very easy to develop prejudices against a set of people, but difficult to correct. One thing i can assure you though, is that your husband and step-son might even end up being your mother's best friends. I live in germany and i hear such things virtually everyday, though i'm not married to any german. Their prejudices are not just against nigerians but against any one from a poor country. They now have a scale depending on what they know about your country. Most of those who say this negative things have no personal contact with the people they judge and that is life. I'm sure she wouldn't say these things if only she knew what you know. I wish you all the very best with your decision and blessed marriage.

Dele Oluwole May 23, 2007 - 8:38 am

Patricia, Everyone God created has got at least one cross to carry in a life time like Jesus Christ. In this case your mother is your cross; please carry the cross with all your strength. Don’t force her to meet your husband and step-son time will be the healer, so blank your mind as if you never heard her say those hurting words. Take heart my sister.


Iyawo May 23, 2007 - 12:17 am

Patricia, my heart goes out to you. Particularly as I, too, am an American woman planning to marry a Nigerian man this fall. I am finding as soon as I say Nigeria or Africa people start making stereotypical judgements. Then comes the "he is probably just using you. As soon as he gets over here he will get a divorce" Well, I am not sure how that would be any different from a lot of other divorces. My parents have also reacted as your mother. Good Christians…just very judgemental. Praise God that their children see more clearly, His Word, than our parents did. Best of luck to you…and in the end, you will be with your husband. Not your mother. God bless and be with you all.

Bola May 22, 2007 - 7:19 pm

Patricia, I truly sympathize with you but you most understand that your mother is a victim of centuries of brain washing white people have been doing to seperate us as Black people. They used to call Africa the Dark Continent and say in Africa people swing on trees, have tails, practise cannibalism etc. Where as its all a pack of lies. Now they say there is famine, disease, etc. I do not deny that there some parts of Africa where this happens but its not all parts. I would advice you to give your mother TIME. She is old, set in her ways and most of all she is AFRAID. And when people fear or panic they do and say what they wouldnt normally say. I would not advise you to take your husband to see her just yet. Tell him she is not feeling too well or something and when she is up to it she will see you guys. I guess its all a shock to her and it needs getting used to. You've just got to exercise alot of patience with people and stick to your decision. I always say it is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. And yours will not be loss in Jesus Name.

Anonymous May 22, 2007 - 5:06 pm

Patricia: Should I say, welcome to life of a mixed-couple.

You must calmly advise yourself that as hurtful as that may be, from experience, you must soldier on. If you have other Nigerians in the area, their frienship may be a comfort.

Also, a good place to network would be the church. There should be a Redeemed Christian Church of God that would have many Nigerians as members. You can google the church together with your zip code and it will give you one nearest your location. Family support is important and the church usually is a very good network place. Your parents may change (sadly, but happens) when you start doing well materially as a couple and it shows.


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