The Masters of Mayhem

by Sola Osofisan

Hi. My name is Rolanda. My friends call me The Guru. Can I interest you in some cocaine?

I beg your pardon?

Cocaine. We have a few kilograms and are calling around to see if anyone’s interested.

Is this some kind of joke?

Oh, you hear the laughter? Is it bothering you? I can go to the next cubicle if it’s getting in the way. I have some clients here sampling the goods.

Who are you and where are you calling from?

Who I am is insignificant. I am a nobody looking to make you somebody. This is about you, not me. You! Can you dig it?

This is a joke, right? Who put you up to this? Did Akin ask you to do this?

I’m just a marketer with a product to sell. I can open your mind wider than the gates of hell.

Are you insane? You think cocaine is like a cruise to Hawaii or such a thing that you can just pick up the phone to sell?

You gotta flow with the river, my man. Rhyme with the times. Shine with the sun. There’s nothing we don’t sell on the telephone now. Prescription drugs, guns, assassins for hire, US visas… As long as it brings in a couple of Dollars, we’re into it. Whatever you want we got. You only have to ask.

We? Who are this “we” you speak of?

The Masters of Mayhem.

This is a company?

God inspired, law-abiding, tax evading company incorporated in the state of New York. We have helped a lot of families in areas like Newark, Harlem… You can visit us online at You can even shop in a secure environment, just don’t use a credit card cos we can’t resist the urge to empty your account balance and then pilfer your identity.

Okay, I don’t use cocaine. Please get off the line and take my number of your list.

Oh, how about some crack then?


What, you want to tell me you don’t do that too?

I don’t.

What exactly do you do for fun? Watch Survivor?

As a matter of fact, I watch Mirror in The Sun, but you wouldn’t know what that is, would you? You think coke is fun?

It’s the heights, my man, unbeatatable.

Haven’t you heard of addiction and all sorts of dependencies?

Sure. What else is new?

You don’t think there’s something weird about the way you think?

I’m a realist, my man –

No, you’re not. You can call yourself anything but a realist. A realist wouldn’t be calling me on the phone to peddle drugs.

Really, what’s the worst that can happen? You make it sound like such a big deal?

The worst that can happen? I could get hooked on it and then someday when I’m unable to support the habit, what happens to me?

We don’t really think that far ahead, as long as you don’t owe us any money. And you can always sell your stuff to get some more hits. You can sell your car. People have done worse things. I know a gurl who sold her daughter. You can sell your house… You still have the house, right?

Sell my house? And where would I live?

You’re asking for too much, man. Isn’t it enough that I’m offering you a piece of paradise? The city has homeless shelters. I can give you the address of a place where they will welcome you. I can even link you with my buddy in the shelter to supply you when you run out. Jeeze, think of the wonderful life you’d be living, man. No more worries about the car loan or insurance or mortgage or medical bills. You’d be a king my man.

The king of squalor? The “high” king? What would I do for food?

What? You think they don’t got food at the shelter? They got good food. Been there, done that and I know they got good food. I wouldn’t give my dog that kind of shit, if you pardon my French, but it’s all good. Besides, by the time we’re done with you, food will be the last thing on your mind.

You obviously don’t wish me well. Or are you with the police? Is this some sort of entrapment to see if I am into illegal drugs?

Don’t you go dissing me, man. You calling me five-o?

Just get off my phone. I’m not interested.

Okay. Let me talk to your son or daughter?

How did you know I have a son and daughter?

You mean Sonny and Kate? I do my home work, man. I’m a businessman. When I hit your home, I hit your home with the total package. They should still be in school now, right? Evening college? Give me their mobile phone numbers and I’ll catch them before they leave school.

If you contact any of my children, I will have you arrested.

I’m a ghost man. You can’t grab the wind.

Keep away from my family –

Don’t be so difficult. You know it’s the American way. Something’s gotta give. If you and the kids don’t bite, I’ll try their ma. I think it’s called multi-pronged marketing, isn’t it?

I will shoot you –

You gotta a gun? Who sold it to you? Tell me. I can sell you the same gun at half the price – if you return the one you got. Who sold it to you? Master Jones? Samurai? C’mon, man, who sold it to you? Hello? Hello?

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