“Don’t hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love” (Leo Buscaglia).
I first encountered Ms. Folasayo Dele-Ogunrinde on the Internet seven months ago when a friend brought her to my attention. In the months since, I have wondered why she seems to be angry at men. All her treatises seem to center on or around men: how men cheated on her, how they abused her, how they attempted to domesticate her against her will, how ungrateful and duplicitous men are, and how lazy and dense they are. She doesn’t tire of telling us men are hooligans; cowards who were unable to fend off the invasion, enslavement and colonization of the continent. African men, she posits, are responsible for virtually all the ills that hails the continent. To crown her mountain of accusations, she visits the sins of the fathers on the sons. How unfortunate!
Simply put, Folasayo doesn’t think much of men. Left to her whim and imagination, at least 90% of men would be thrown off the cliff. Or decapitated. Or have their nuts cracked open and fed to the dogs. My goodness, how did she get to this point? What influenced her thinking and attitude? Who were the boys and men who eroded her earlier regard for men? What is it about men that makes her want to puke and take cover?Whatever her answers and thinking are, she sends sweat droplets down my spine. How, in the name of humanity could anyone, man or woman, be this angry?
Whatever her line of advocacy — single parenthood, spinsterhood, celibacy, misandry or whatever — I am certain she can live a fruitful life without resorting to anger. My chief concern lay in the fact that some young minds seem to be taking her words and actions for the gospel truth. In other words, I worry about the young and impressionable minds who gulp down her every word.
The rules and regulations governing African Marriages and or romantic relationships seem to pain Ms. Ogunrinde the most. She fails to realize that marriage is like a partnership, but not the 50:50 kind of partnership she envisions.In some aspect the men do more, and in other aspects, the women do more. In the end though, there is and can only be one captain, no co-captainship. Now, if you and your partner decide to make it 50:50 or 70:30 or whatever, well, that’s between you and your husband or lover. Some men won’t care if your husband is a ladies’ man, a woman-wrapper, or an assistant wife — that’s his taste.
Marry the type of man or woman that suits you. Common sense dictates you don’t tango with any man or woman who expects you to do things you otherwise would not do. That is to say marry your kind. If you are the type of woman who likes to takes order from men or who likes to cook and clean and provide sex on demand, well, please stick with such a man. Do not listen to all the foolish talks about rights and choice and preference and all such craps and colossal nonsense.
How many White couples do you suppose are constantly in and out of marriage therapy? America, we all know or should know, is full of all kinds of people who are “single and seeking” and who gallivant from one dating site to another and from one bar to another hoping to grab the man. Now, who does not know that “African wives” find partners quicker and easier and have long, happy and prosperous marriages when compared to the “modernists” who are merely mimicking what they perceive to be western.
From Italy to New Zealand, from the UK to the United States, traditional marriages abound. Why do you think husbands and wives who “know their place” within the union tend to stay married longer? And why do you suppose all the major religions of the world are very particular about the role and place of men and women within a marriage? Ask your Chinese, Brazilian, Korean, Mexican, Japanese, Malaysian, Indian, Pakistani, Argentine, or Chilean friends. Go ahead; ask them! They will tell you that their marital system is not much different from the African marital system. On the average, it is not different. And whatever difference there is, is minuscule. So, what’s all these shakara, all these huffing and puffing and talks about the suffering and subservient role women in Africa have?
Choose your wife or your husband wisely. Do not fall prey to some alien concepts. The Chinese would live 10, 15 or more years in Nigeria with his family and still remain Chinese. Same for the Germans and the Irish and others; they don’t repudiate their way of life in favor of the “African way.” It is only Africans, who after 30 days in a foreign land would disavow their Africanness and opt for a strange life. Tell me — more so in the marriage and family system — what does the Whites have to offer Africans?
Our culture may need tinkering here and there, and yes, we may not have high science and technology and may indeed not have all the good-good things that make the West attractive and prosperous; but when it comes to happiness and keeping the family whole, sane and secure, we Africans have the upper hand. How much do you suppose family and marriage therapists charge per hour in this country? Think!
Whatever it is about men that pains Ms. Ogunrinde, it is time to let the anger and the pain dissipate. “Holding on to anger,” Buddha counsels, “is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” All our love and respect…