An African Wife/Husband Without African Values (2)

by Paul I. Adujie

My readings of these gender roles and relationship articles, has led me to conclude that there is a total disconnect between Nigerian-African males and females in the Diaspora. There are indeed impending volcanic eruptions, earthquakes and tsunamis combined; And that a simple thing as, a Nigerian male asking for a date, and proceeding to say an innocuous thing in the wrong way, could become a catalyst that leads to cataclysms, as a Nigeria female goes postal on a Nigerian male. Africa will be in prime time news again, and again, in the negative territory?

I am tiptoeing now, after reading the magnitude of anger as exuded and exhibited by a great number of Diaspora Nigerian women. As they vehemently resent the inequalities that they have witnessed or personally experienced. Clearly, very strong resentment exists among or within our female folks? And no amicable debates and discussions to resolve these issues appear likely. The essays that I have referred to above are written by protagonists and antagonists who are without doubt, light years apart! Might Nigerian men and women be happier, marrying outside our culture? Why would a Nigerian man marry a Nigerian woman who is so in name and blood only? Why would a Nigerian woman marry a Nigerian man who is so in name only (if that even!) Recently I wrote that I used to believe that marrying a Nigerian woman will save me the hassle of having to explain the most mundane to the most complex about things Nigerian-African, including whether there are radio and television stations in Africa or whether Africa is a country or continent or whether the sun also rises in Africa.

But with my new awakening, regarding gender inequalities and oppressions that Diaspora Nigerian women are angered about, what is there to gain in the artifice of an African man or woman who no longer possesses core African values? African values and morals that would have made an African man or woman uniquely spectacular and different from other possible spousal offerings as America presents? Perhaps Nigerians in the Diaspora will be better off, if we marry American women and men, if we marry other immigrants of Chinese, Jewish and German origins? Why should an African in the Diaspora marry another African without the imbued benefits of African values? African values that ideally ought to lead to advantages in understanding, spousal harmony, strength and peace. Should an African person now be expected to marry another African person and then be deprived of the expected benefits of marrying a fellow African? Isn’t that like getting all water without liquid?

Despite these futile attempts by some to localize gender inequalities, it is not local! Marilyn, my colleague sent an e-mail to me that included this quote “That’s a good one to use when folks believe gender strife is localized…as you can imagine. You might want to check out the movie “I Shot Andy Warhol” upon becoming aware that I was writing these commentaries about gender inequalities relating to Africans.

I fervently support the rights of women, gender equalities because they are important. It is frustratingly irritating, when some feminist generalize about men, all men!

If I were the one to be cynical, I would have been saying to African men, just sit back and relax, do all they can to live long enough to witness African women as they become prevalent in all-female fire-fighters, all-female pall-bearers, women are in the majority in every country, so, there should be majority of women in the armies!

African men will live long enough to be witness to the blurring of male/female roles, it is already happening. (More women are already graduating from college, than men) African men should wait for the time when unisex locker rooms become the rule, in sports clubs and gymnasiums! Even as some men actually await a world, without gender roles distinctions as is being advocated by some feminists. Nevertheless, I will continue to support gender equality issues in Nigeria, Africa and worldwide.

They are human equality issues and important.

Here are some excerpts of thoughts, by flame-throwing crusaders of old.

“Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded, responsible, thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex.” – by Valerie Solanas (Typical Nigerian in Diaspora woman?)

“It is now technically feasible to reproduce without the aid of males (or, for that matter, females) and to produce only females. We must begin immediately to do so. Retaining the male has not even the dubious purpose of reproduction. The male is a biological accident: the Y (male) gene is an incomplete X (female) gene, that is, it has an incomplete set of chromosomes. In other words, the male is an incomplete female, a walking abortion, aborted at the gene stage. To be male is to be deficient, emotionally limited; maleness is a deficiency disease and males are emotional cripples.”

“The male is completely egocentric, trapped inside himself, incapable of empathizing or identifying with others, or love, friendship, affection of tenderness. He is a completely isolated unit, incapable of rapport with anyone. His responses are entirely visceral, not cerebral; his intelligence is a mere tool in the services of his drives and needs; he is incapable of mental passion, mental interaction; he can’t relate to anything other than his own physical sensations. He is a half-dead, unresponsive lump, incapable of giving or receiving pleasure or happiness; consequently, he is at best an utter bore, an inoffensive blob, since only those capable of absorption in others can be charming. He is trapped in a twilight zone halfway between humans and apes, and is far worse off than the apes because, unlike the apes, he is capable of a large array of negative feelings — hate, jealousy, contempt, disgust, guilt, shame, doubt — and moreover, he is aware of what he is and what he isn’t.”

“Although completely physical, the male is unfit even for stud service. Even assuming mechanical proficiency, which few men have, he is, first of all, incapable of zestfully, lustfully, tearing off a piece, but instead is eaten up with guilt, shame, fear and insecurity, feelings rooted in male nature, which the most enlightened training can only minimize; second, the physical feeling he attains is next to nothing; and third, he is not empathizing with his partner, but is obsessed with how he’s doing, turning in an A performance, doing a good plumbing job. To call a man an animal is to flatter him; he’s a machine, a walking dildo. It’s often said that men use women. Use them for what? Surely not pleasure.”

“Eaten up with guilt, shame, fears and insecurities and obtaining, if he’s lucky, a barely perceptible physical feeling, the male is, nonetheless, obsessed with screwing; he’ll swim through a river of snot, wade nostril-deep through a mile of vomit, if he thinks there’ll be a friendly pussy awaiting him. He’ll screw a woman he despises, any snaggle-toothed hag, and furthermore, pay for the opportunity. Why? Relieving physical tension isn’t the answer, as masturbation suffices for that. It’s not ego satisfaction; that doesn’t explain screwing corpses and babies”

Below is an article featured a few days ago, and could this be the sorts of long term road and direction, to which Diaspora Nigerians are headed?

Americans’ circle of close friends shrinking By Amanda Beck

Americans are more socially isolated than they were 20 years ago, separated by work, commuting and the single life, researchers reported on Friday.

Nearly a quarter of people surveyed said they had “zero” close friends with whom to

discuss personal matters. More than 50 percent named two or fewer confidants, most often immediate family members, the researchers said.

“This is a big social change, and it indicates something that’s not good for our society,” said Duke University Professor Lynn Smith-Lovin, lead author on the study to be published in the American Sociological Review”. Nigerians in Diaspora are getting there with the Americans! Especially in view of this gender wars!

Many American men practice Mail Order Brides, as some American males seek, “traditional wives” and so, these American men import wives from the Philippines, from Mexico, Russian, Japan and the newly free former East European countries. Because my knowledge of these gender wars in America, I continue to see the war of the sexes, as global or universal phenomenon. It is not in any way unique or peculiar to Nigeria or Africa! There are more women in the world, than men, hence you always see more women waiting to use the toilets at airports and other public places, than men (even discounting the multiple variables of women’s special health needs, in toilets, crevices and all) there need to be more toilet, two-to-one toilet rule, in favor of women, advantage women, because they are more in number in every population in the world!

I therefore see gender inequalities, in part, in terms of the inadequacies of airport toilets for women worldwide (airport toilets are neither two-to-one in Nigeria nor in America)! It also therefore encompasses the universality of gender inequalities! It is a global issue!

I see gender inequalities, a violation of female rights, in the inadequacy of airport toilet every where in the world that I have been. Toilet availability is a gender issue, alright?

Are Diaspora Nigerian two men and men, now headed towards beating the Americans at individualism? Are some Diaspora Nigerians becoming so self-absorbed, with gender wars and other issues that make it unattractive and unwise, for Diaspora Nigerians to copulate? These are increasingly becoming intense. These have become issues gnawing at our social fabric. We ought all, to be addressing these issues that are creating wedges and even oceans, between Nigerians in the Diaspora.

Mrs. Hilda Adefarasin, former president of Nigerian Organization for Women (NOW) was wife of Justice Adefarasin in Lagos; She, it was, that, in her very genial and amicable way, got Nigerian men awake and engaged, in gender inequality issues. Because of her, I actually thought of joining NOW, while I lived in Lagos, Nigeria. Mrs. Adefarasin was not a flame-throwing crusader!

I am a Nigerian, an African male, and I have always described myself as a male feminist! This is because, I am an aware human, just like the next woman, and I was born by a woman and I have a sister and extended family members, who are females! But flame-throwing crusaders do great disservice to crucial issues of gender inequalities.

No nation should keep women in bondage. To do so, is foolish. If nothing else, neglecting women issues is unwise; particularly, because, it is akin to neglecting the bulk of your resources! Why operate with one-third power?

All human beings are aware that there are more women on earth than men; that clearly, illustrates or demonstrates the crucial importance of women, women issues are of such magnitude in importance, to economic, political and social development.

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Toyin July 13, 2006 - 12:51 am

Very Well written!

You make some very good points. Although I dont quite agree with everything you said, I think that you have a very interesting point of view on the "gender inequality" issue.

MKA June 30, 2006 - 2:20 pm

You have written it like it really is. If a man has to marry an American, then he should marry a real one not an imitation of one.

Reply June 30, 2006 - 10:49 am

Dear Paul,

You forgot to define "African Values." Your essay, though well-written, is quite contradictory in itself. You claim to be a feminist, yet you slam the very issues women are fighting for. Nigerian women deserve the right to choose how they want to live their lives with their husbands without being pigeon-holed into a "role". In defense of Ms. Ogunrinde, she has not written a single inaccurate information. Men may not like her article because she is holding up a mirror so the men who perpetrate these actions can see who they really are…and the sight aint pretty.


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