Another Telephone Conversation

by Victor Ehikhamenor

Ring! Ring!! Ring!!! Ring!!!!

KOFI: Hello, this is Kofi Annan. Oh hello Mr. President, how are you this early morning? Yes it is midday in the US, but here in Ghana it is 5 am. No I am not mad at you.

GEORGE: Sorry, I did not mean to wake you up. I have been trying to track you down, but I was told you traveled home to take care of family business in Africa. I know how you Africans value family; you send them all your money. The Bush family love themselves too, but we don’t send money like you do. We just rotate the presidency. And those that cannot wait for their turn, we give a state to govern.

KOFI: Well, what can I say? Some are born presidents, some achieve presidency and some have presidency rigged for them. Now, I know you did not call a black man like me to discuss family values, so how can I help you Mr. President?

GEORGE: Ahh…you sound uptight a bit, loosen up buddy.

KOFI: Do not call me buddy. That was the name of my friend Bill Clinton’s dog. And I don’t appreciate you calling me like I am your mate. I know you do not have respect for your elders because of your upbringing. Now get to the point, I have a village meeting to attend in later. No, it is not the UN.

GEORGE: Ok, Mr. Secretary General. It is this Iraq matter…

KOFI: What about Iraq, I thought we had this discussion before?

GEORGE: But we did not conclude. We could not have concluded if you are telling me not to kill Saddam Hussein. C’mon Koffee-

KOFI: No, Mr President. My name is Kofi, not Koffee. I am not for sale at Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts.

GEORGE: Cur-few?

KOFI: Oh, that’s what comes into your head when you folks think of Africa, right? Ok, call me whatever you wish.

GEORGE: Forgive me, buddy. You have to understand my problems. How will the American people remember me if I do not wage war against Iraq? How can people compare me and my father if there is no “Operation Desert Storm – The Next Thunder”? Now let me ask you this, why do you think my father did not finish him off…aha, he did not because he reserved the final episode for me, his son George. Now you want me to rubbish the great BUSH name by not waging war against Iraq? I don’t understand you African people, you get a little education you become all soft and mushy and you talk about peace. How do you want me to get high…on Seven Eleven coffee? No man, I get high by killing the lowly man…

KOFI: Hold on boy, you cannot just go to a country and start fighting because you have the power. All your accusations are based on assumptions and hearsay. And the UN can not fold her feeble hands and watch you ravage the whole Middle East, from Afghanistan to Baghdad. You need to slow down.

GEORGE: you do not understand. Let me tell you a secret Mr. Koffee…I hope your side of this line is secure, Ok. I need to fight this war man…my ratings are tanking, and election is just a few months away. I can not afford to lose the second term like my father; otherwise people are going to think we are cursed. Please I need your support.

KOFI: My African spirit will not allow me to support your killing of innocent people. If you were just looking for Saddam and his cohorts, that I will understand…but your soldiers are too trigger happy to shoot and drop missiles on the wrong spots. Look at the record in Kabul, women and children are being killed on a daily basis by your soldiers. It is too much.

GEORGE: Every war has unfortunate casualties. That is why we call it war. The dirty bomb Saddam is cooking is not just for me and Barbara in the White House or my Ranch in Texas, he is planning to use it all over the place. Even innocent Israel is at risk here, why can’t you see the big picture.

KOFI: I see the big picture quite alright my friend. How come you are the only one paranoid about Saddam Hussein? What did you or your people do to him. There is a saying in Ghana which goes like this; for you to fear the curse of the gods, you must have done wrong to the gods…what exactly are you not telling me? France is not afraid; Russia is calm…why are you the only one in a panic mode? The only person singing with you now is your little English Poodle, Tony Blair.

GEORGE: I am not panicking…I need to save my people. Now think about this, the American economy is going down the drain like a fast flowing river. If I go to war in Baghdad, that will help the economy. Lockheed Martin and Boeing will sell more war planes and that will help the stock market in the technology sector. Also the companies manufacturing body bags will benefit tremendously because we like bringing our dead soldiers home for befitting burials. As you can figure out, the news media have been slow these days…can you imagine what they will do to my English language and foreign policy if I do not divert their attention soon…please support this war.

KOFI: I see your point, but let me run it by Nelson Mandela when he stops by today for palm wine and let me see what he thinks…

GEORGE: Nelson who? Oh please, why don’t you just run it by Angel Gabriel…I will get a better hearing from Gabriel than from Nelson…The years in prison have turned him into a pope. How can you be locked up for decades and come out and still be preaching forgiveness and reconciliation…? Please let this matter be between you and me.

KOFI: George let me ask you this…why did your country turn her back on Rwanda, Sierra Leone, Congo, Liberia and many other troubled African nation…but when a fly goes across the Middle East, you all have erections? Talk to me, don’t be silent… Are you still there? Is this about oil? And how come the only friend you have in Africa is the Nigerian President…is this whole human carnage about oil. I know you were in the oil sector before you became the president, and your vice-president is in the oil servicing business…talk to me boy!

GEORGE: Hold on Mr. Koffee…there is a call coming in…hello, who is this? Oh Obasunjoor how are you. You are up already? I am on the other line with Mr. Koffee in Ghana and he said it was 5 am in Ghana, I am assuming Nigeria and Ghana are in the same time zone?

Aha, I understand… You are not in Nigeria, you are in Switzerland? Waoh, I thought you just left the United States… I like your kind of luxury. I wish I could leave my country and rule her from abroad. What do you want? Well, let me see my calendar, no I am not free this weekend, but you can visit me next weekend. What do you have for me…thank you my friend, I always knew I could count on you and your people in East Africa…oh Nigeria is in West Africa? When did you move? Alright, see you then…bye…

Sorry about that Mr. Koffee, that was Obasunjoor the governor of Nigeria. He never stays in his country, he is always asking for permission to visit America…I have never seen such a lousy man. I always book a hotel for him; he will never sleep in the white house as long as I am the president not with the kind of entourage he travels with. I wonder who is left in his country when he travels with so many people. That is why my father preferred the military rulers in Nigeria, they don’t bother with all this visitation, once you pay them money for the oil that is the end of the deal, they remain in Nigeria. And those military men don’t haggle price like this Obasanjo does…Mr. Koffee, are you still there?

KOFI: Yes, please hold on there is a call coming in…hello this is Kofi…Oh good morning sir. Yes, family is fine sir. I am still waiting for you sir. I am very honored by your visitation sir…yes, it is George on the other line…hahahaha, that was funny, yes he does behave like a bush man. I have already told him that sir, I know you prefer peaceful negotiation …good bye sir, and I will see you later sir.

Ok, George I am back. What were you saying about Obasanjo…well I have very little regard for a man who has so many resources and does not know how to use it. And what is your government doing about the Islamic laws of stoning innocent women in Nigeria or that is none of your business as long as you buy their oil? Obasanjo is like you, you rule America from your Ranch in Texas while he rules his country from abroad.

GEORGE: Very funny…who was on the other line with you?

KOFI: That was my elder statesman Nelson Mandela. He said he just heard on the news that Saddam Hussein wants the UN arms inspectors to come back to Baghdad and finish the inspections of the sites.

GEORGE: Oh Lord bless my soul! I don’t want to hear that. I am already boiling for war…that is the last thing I want to hear, Saddam is playing games man…

I am going to assume that Nelson Mandela told you not to support me right…? Well let me tell you Negroes, whether you support me or not I am going to Baghdad to kick ass. I am a cowboy and kicking ass is in my nature. I don’t need the UN to tell me what to do…you can not show any back bone. This is my war. This is my career that is on the line, I don’t give a F@#$ about you, nor do I about that sissy prisoner of conscience…we shall see…we shall see… (Hangs up the phone).

Hey Rumsfeld, get me a glass of Jack Daniels. That was a wasted call to Ghana…how come it is not Obasunjoor that is the Secretary General of the UN…by now we would be fighting in Iraq. By the way Obasunjoor said he will sell more barrels of oil to the US if we go to war. He needs money for his campaign; next year is general election in Nigeria.

KOFI: (gently placing his GSM phone on the bedside table) Oh America, I weep for you and your children…God bless America the land of the free… (He falls into a peaceful morning sleep as the gentle rays of Ghanaian sunshine electrifies his grey hair).

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