I Don’t Expect You To Understand My Pain! I Don’t Really Care If You Don’t

It’s 1.08 am and I do not feel sleepy at all. I haven’t had much sleep in the past one month and it’s seriously getting to me. My back hurts constantly but I’m afraid to get it checked out. I do not want to be subjected to a series of appointments with the chiropractor. There’s a program on TV and I couldn’t care less, because all I am seeing is a bunch of people trying to prepare some kind of dish that I’m not sure would taste good. I have serious writers block and I am hoping something will come up, unless I am just going to bore you with my crap.

My heart is heavy and I seriously want to vent but I do not know what I am supposed to be venting about. I haven’t been on here for two weeks now and I felt the need to post something. I lost an aunt a week ago……My friend is devastated because her mum isn’t going to be with her anymore. I grieve because she died of something I totally despise. I pray God he heals my heavy heart. I pray I understand why I feel the way I do.

I could tell you a little bit about how I feel right now, but I can’t. I could tell you… No. I will just keep typing and hope it all makes sense.

Nigeria! This is where I come from, it’s my home, and it’s my country. I am surrounded by people I love. We started out by standing in a long line; father, mother, brothers, relatives, friends and not so close friends. Through the years, this line has gotten shorter and shorter. I have said hello to someone today, and had to say goodbye the next day. It’s always the same painful feeling as I see their bodies in huge coffins buried in the dirt. They tell me strangers took them away, and these strangers have names. I’ve recited these names in my head everyday. It’s now a gut wrenching song in my heart, and the beat changes each day as I am more determined to put them away.

The beat moves me; Disease, why did you take my loves away?

Piece by piece you took them, till I had nothing left.

By God I will fight you, till there’s nothing left of you.

These strangers paved the way for my journey and it’s been a long and fulfilling one. I have come across so many obstacles, but I am still strong. I will keep moving till I put them away. I have only one weapon, and that’s an education in the health care field. I know I want to help people, but most importantly I know I don’t want to keep seeing citizens of my country die everyday due to lack of healthcare.

“Uncle I know you are lying in the hospital right now. You can’t talk; you can’t move….I don’t know what to do. Why can’t the doctors give you adequate care? Why don’t they have the resources needed to provide effective health care? If you die I do not know what I am going to do. Uncle if you die, something inside of me is going to die. (God please don’t let him die). I saw uncle Ononiwu in my dream last night, he looked happy. I was happy to see him happy. I remember he was in so much pain before he died, but he says he is happier now. I told him my dad and I missed him and we never understood why he left us so early. He smiled and held me close.

Uncle I want you to know I am praying really hard. You won’t die, I still want you here! We all want you here! Am I being selfish? I don’t care, I want you here!”

I want my uncle here; I don’t think I can take anymore loss. I can’t write anymore right now. I thought I would feel better, but I feel worse…

Written by
Sandra Ukachi
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  • Sorry that it took me 2 months to return to this beautiful site.Not only do I have a 1 star rating but i read certain comments from some nosey parkers.I have also read your notes about my “tripping” and I hope you had your own trip writing that too.

    As a naija I have to apologise to you for making no respectful comments about your uncle.That is unNigerian.No matter how bad things are at home we have not forgotten certain things that still makes us better than the whites with whom you live.Please accept my apology which I hope is not too late.Above all I never meant it as a personal attack on you . Honestly you are a damn good writer and I am proud of our origins.Its just that I don’t like disrespect for my country.If you are looking for a Nigerian nazi I am proud to announce that I am one.There is nothing wrong with our fatherland nor with our people.We have a fantastic set of nations in our country who are suffering under the yoke of about 5000 families who dominate the military/political machine in naija since the 60’s.One day all this shall end.Most people in naija have agreed that only the Rawlins option can work here.

    Meanwhile many of us have agreed to attack any article on the internet that seem not to understand the debacle of our people……..Please keep on soooooooting!

  • Thanks so much you guys…It makes me smile when I see your comments.. …steve you are so funny…i agree sha. Uzo, dynma, rosie, tokunbo and reader thanks for actually reading my article and understanding it. Ehmmmm…lol…luciano, I don’t think you read my article, what are you talking about? I think you left your comment on the wrong post. Thanks for passing through though…but I have some more stuff to tell you luciano..lol…

  • fire this thing it will hurt no one.water this thing,it will never grow and if it will,they did be all gone.some have ears but too deaf to hear,some have eyes but cannot see people dying when there are means to survive.they want to see this coffin on daily bases to enable them pepertrate their nocturenal acts.here is where people die smiling,crying and smiling.even in death we dont know whether to cry or smile because we dont understand that they want us all dead.I will not die,you will not die,your uncle will never die because we have the backing of the author and finisher of our faith.I dont understand what am saying…..emm those who want us dead shall dine with the vultures….emm am i nuts or something?watch and pray.dont worry be happy

  • hei! our country will someday be good. however, we’ve got to keep pounding those destroyers and haters of the masses untill they cave in. let’s keep Dr. Martin Luther King Jnr. dream in perspective, though not much has changed in Amii since that dream was revealed, but we hope for a systematic and “divine” change in 9ja. it will come to fruition. sometimes, the best in us is exhumed at the worst time of ours

  • People like you are always at pains to tell God-knows-who why you had to leave our fatherland.To be honest we don’t give a damn that you did.Pain or no pain ,who send you? Lets hope your “streams of consciousness” become rivers of nothingness as long as you write rubbish stuff about our dear country.

  • Ada, sorry for my misunderstanding on your uncle’s part. Who say!!; Tufiakwa!!. May your uncle live many many more years.

    I am happy I made you laugh; mmmmmmmmmm… it does help.

  • steve, it seems like you have already condenmed my uncle. He is still alive, and thanks for your advice. lol. Sex doesn’t solve problems…I appreciate your reading my article…

  • Well, let’s put humor to this article:

    First, Ada, your uncle is in a happier place.

    Now, to easy your back pain, and heavy heart, especially for someone who works long hours; seriously, get yourself a good man that can give you a good back robe and massage. Also, make sure it is more missionary style in your adult play.

  • Ah,’stream of consciousness’ is a very good literary device and works for me.Ada,wish I could tell you something to ease your pain but I have no words but I do know that you are stronger than you believe.Keep writing,it’s therapeutic.

  • I don’t know if you are aware that this writing style is called ‘stream of consciousness’ and not a lot of people will get it. Anyhue, i like it. And you sound like me on a bad day.