VOICE: Hi, its Angelina…is this…
ME: Angelina who?
VOICE: Angelina Jolie Brad Pitt
ME: Yes, how may I help you?
ANGELINA: What is it with the attitude man! I am just calling to congratulate you on the birth of your new baby!
ME: Look, I have diapers to change…I am not like some people that get 4 million dollarsfor their baby’s photo. If I get my friends to view mine on yahoo…I am lucky! And please my baby is not for adoption…take your call elsewhere!
ANGELINA: Don’t believe everything you hear…you sound very angry my dear African brother…what is eating you?
ME: What is eating you too. And how dare you call me…how could you Angelina, how could you….
ANGELINA: How could I what?
ME: After all we went through together, you completely did an about turn on me and stabbed me in the back…white people!
ANGELINA: Ok, get to the point…what did I do? [BABY CRY] Mazisi, please check Shiloh for me. I am on the phone. Sorry, that was my Namibia babysitter and breast feeder. She is still getting used to America…
ME: You see, that is exactly what I am talking about…you even have a Namibian babysitter? What did we do to you people…no matter how much we do, you people still find somewhere in your heart to diss us. Remember we are still the old broom that knows the corner of the house. Don’tnobody forget that the lion still owns the jungle, no matter how austere that jungle may be.
ANGELINA: My friend, since you picked the phone, you have been speaking in shrouded parables…
ME: No, I am as clear as water that has alum in it. Was I not the one that told you the quickest way to get an ambassadorial position in the UN is to adopt a Somalian child? Was I not the one that told you that the best way to look like a luscious black girl was to expand your lips…? Did my advice not lead to your hooking up with the white world’s sexiest man alive…how come you did not come to Nigeria to have your baby?
ANGELINA: Oh…is that what all this about!
ME: You damn right it is Angelina…that was a once in a lifetime opportunity for my village to make it to international limelight. My grandmother is the best native midwife in the entire universe, and she doesn’t charge a cent. She delivered future doctors, lawyers, writers, nurses, ambassadors…yet you did not deem it fit to go to my village to have your baby. What is in Namibia? They don’t even have oil…my president would have given barrels of oil as birth gift to your newborn! You miss Angelina…Angelina you miss big time.
ANGELINA: Look, it was not my fault…I told Brad we should go to Nigeria and have the baby in your village, but he would not have any of it. He said he could not trust your president, he said anybody that wants to change his country’s constitution because of a secret agenda should not be trusted as a host.
ME: But I told you that the Nigerian president is never in the country. He rules with cell phones from neighboring countries…that is if he is not in America.
ANGELINA: Well…it was Brad’s fault, kindly forgive me
ME: I never liked that Brad Pitt anyway…lets talk something better. Ehhen…how come you gave that large sum to the village where you had the baby. What did you deliver, an elephant? I have never heard of maternity bill that amounted to $300,000.00.
ANGELINA: No…it was not a hospital bill, it was just a good gesture for their hospitality…
ME: What is the difference between hospital and hospitality? Why do white people always think we are a charity case…and can’t wait to dole out sara to us at the slightest opportunity!
ANGELINA: Lets not politicize this, my friend…it was just a good gesture like I said before. After all, I am a goodwill ambassador to the United Nations.
ME: That is exactly my point…what did you give to the poor people of New Orleans.
ANGELINA: But I did not have any baby in New Orleans?
ME: Anyway, lets get back to Namibia…how was it like having a baby there?
ANGELINA: It was the most beautiful thing. We went to a secluded Safari, we fenced out everybody else, except our local helps…and from my maternity bed, I could see elephants strolling, giraffe plucking leaves off tall trees, beautiful peacocks displaying their booty feathers…
ME: Where was Brad when you were observing all these?
ANGELINA: He went drinking brew with the locals. I was told husbands don’t stay with their wives when they are having babies…first I was angry, but the midwives started laughing at me…”has he not caused you enough pain, why do you still want him around…you white people…” that was when I gave up and told him to leave the room.
ME: Did the women cook any pepper soup for you…?
ANGELINA: Oh my gosh…did they? Phew! I almost died of that soup…it was so good, yet so hot. I thought I was packing hot coals into my mouth. Few minutes later, my stomach gave like the bottom of an overused bucket. I started hollering for bed pan every two seconds. I was told, that was how nursing mothers lose their birth weight. I am already thinking of how to market the sauce in Hollywood…
ME: Are you breastfeeding?
ANGELINA: Nope! I don’t want to lose my standing.
ME: What do you mean?
ANGELINA: I don’t want my breast to fall…I have a tattoo of a fiery lion on my right boob…and I don’t want the lion to sag like a dead dog. I have already done enough. How many Hollywood women have children these days?
ME:Don’t you believe in breastfeeding? World Health Organization is big on breast feeding, and you are an ambassador, remember…
ANGELINA: Oh yes I do…that is why I brought with me, a Namibian woman, Mazisi, she too just had a baby, so she can feed Shiloh for me. She got big breasts…I never knew there was so much milk in one woman’s body.
ME: That is because you are used to adopting children after they are weaned. But don’t you think Shiloh will have more affinity to your Namibian breast feeder?
ANGELINA: No, once Shiloh stops breast-feeding we will free Mazisi to go back to her village.
ME: So you are just using her…or should I say holding her against her will?
ANGELINA: Don’t make it sound like that my friend…it looks like you are still angry for my not going to have my baby in Nigeria.
ME: You damn right Angelina…Nigeria is the giant of Africa…we have everything, from Safaris at Yankari game reserve to Obudu cattle Ranch…to sprawling green farmlands. Not to talk of the oil…oil everywhere, Angelina we have so much oil it comes out of Obasanjo’s nose like catarrh.
ANGELINA: Who is Obasanjo?
ME: Oh he is a character in a Nigerian cartoon book called ASO ROCK RAIDERS.
ANGELINA:Interesting…so when are you coming to see the baby?
ME: I don’t know yet, I don’t want to see the baby while I am still mad at you [PAUSE] Angelina, I have to go…I am picking up a friend’s wife from Nigeria. She is coming to have her fifth baby here in America.
ANGELINA: You gotta be kidding me…why would she want to come to America to give birth?
ME: Why did you go to Africa to have your baby?
ANGELINA: Because…because…I could do that, it is good for my PR.
ME: Oh well, you did yours for fun…apparently…but it is not so for poor folks that come to America to ha
ve their babies.Nigerians come to America to give birth as a future insurance for the children against insolent, coldhearted, dubious, inhuman, illiterate, bloodcurdling, sex-starved, divorce ridden, KKK, colonialist…consular officials at America Embassy in Nigeria.
ANGELINA: Oh my God! We have to do something about that…
ME: What do you mean? Do something about what? You mean like banning Nigerians from coming to have their babies or send UN soldiers to American Embassy in Lagos to teach the consular officer who refused my mother, a 76 years old woman who is no threat to the American economy, who was my only hope of a baby sitter in a country that demands a second mortgage to pay for day care, a lesson?
ANGELINA: Stop the bitterness my friend, look at the bright side of life…
ME: What bright side is that…the bright side that I stayed up all night to baby sit my newborn because your embassy in Nigeria refused my mother a visa or the bright side that I still have to go to work with bleary eyes that feel like sand on bare feet?
ANGELINA: Ok, I will send you some money to pay for a babysitter…if that will cheer you up.
ME: I am not a charity case…thank you and my baby is not for adoption, mind you….because before I know it now, you will have your lawyers knocking on my door.Send your money to Namibia as usual. Bye!