Sticks Or Worms?

by Vera Ezimora

It does not matter what you decide to call yourself: girl, lady, woman, female, spinster, damsel… we all still want the same thing. We want that man that will sweep us off our feet and carry us to the land of forgotten troubles, which is why it’s a tremendous pain in the rear end when you meet a man who is a man, but isn’t quite the man. How many times have you had to start over because you had to accept the fact that “it’s just not gonna happen”? I know I’ve had to do so plenty times. As always, I will put my attention on Nigerian men because they are the ones I know. I have come to realize that [relationship-wise] there are three kinds of men: the stick, the worm, and the wormy stick. For most, if not all Nigerian women, we want the latter, the wormy stick, but of course, we are stuck with either the stick or the worm.

You go to Cynthia’s house and you meet Peter; you have a lengthy and interesting conversation with him, and at the end, he asks for your number. You give it to him, but he never calls. You run into him at the grocery store and exchange pleasantries, after which you ask ‘how come you never called me?” He says “I’m sorry, you look familiar, but I cannot quite remember where we met” even though he’s been blowing Cynthia’s phone up trying to ask about you. He’s the stick. He’s the man that will go above and beyond to prove that he’s tough and no feline can ever cut through him. He wants to make you work extra hard for everything, including things you don’t even give a flying boot about. He’s the man that will purposely forget your birthday and claim he “forgot” even though you spoke to him the day before. He’s the man that will tell you how troublesome women are, and how he can do perfectly fine without them. Like hell, he can! Let’s ask his mother. He’s unable to show emotions, unable to accept responsibility for his actions, unable to apologize, unable to say “I miss you” without breaking a sweat, unable to say “you look gorgeous” without loosing some hair, unable to say “I love you” without cracking a tooth or more, unable to make love, and unable to cuddle after ‘sex’ because he is not a “p*ssy”. He’s the stick; he’s inflexible.

You go to Funmi’s house and you meet Lanre; you have a lengthy conversation with him, and at the end, he asks for your number and you give it to him. You have to leave Funmi’s house for another engagement, and as soon as you step your foot outside the door, your cell phone rings. You pick it up and it’s Lanre; he says “I miss you already, baby.” He’s the worm. Now, what are you supposed to say in response to that? “I miss you too, pumpkin”? The worm is needy and sometimes insecure. He wants to so desperately please you that he ends up repulsing you. He will call eleven times in ten minutes, and if you dare not pick up your phone, he will show up at your door because he was worried about you. On your first date, he will tell you he loves you and talk about marriage and even kids you will have for him. He will tell you how important you are to him and how he never wants to lose you. After about a week of knowing him, he will start attaching his last name to your name. In all honesty, for a man to consider you to be the one to bear his last name and have his children is an honor, but when you consider who the man is, it leaves you in a less than comfortable position. The worm is the man that will never give you a chance to miss him; “do you miss me?” he will constantly ask, and deep in your guts you want to say “you mean in the five seconds that I walked from your couch to your door? Urh…not really.” The worm wants to be at your side 24/7 and never gets tired or bored. I’ll share a personal experience of this particular day that I was in my friend’s house with blood-shot eyes and was aching to put my head on a pillow. There I was barely falling into the beta phase of sleep, and this guy (whose name I will not mention in order not to get beaten) was right next to me yelling on a cell phone. I decided to leave the leaving room couch and move to the bedroom, but he followed me (still on the cell phone). I moved back to the living room, but he followed me again; one last move to the bedroom, and guess what? He’s right behind me. What’s a girl to do in such a situation (apart from screaming at the top of her lungs)? And they ask me why it did not work out.

Now, you go to Vera’s house and you meet Toby. You have a lengthy conversation, and at the end, you exchange numbers. He asks you the best time to call you and you tell him anytime from 7pm. He calls you at 9pm and you talk for about an hour about nothing intimate, but just a little history on you both (like place of birth and middle name). He calls the next day and you talk for about two hours this time, and at the end, he asks you about your marital status. You tell him you’re single, and he says he’s single too. He calls you the next two days and asks you out on a date. He decides to take you to a pool parlor since you said you did not know how to play pool and would like to learn. The pool parlor would provide an opportunity for you two to talk, yet have fun. It will give him the right to intrude on your personal space without being an intruder. He complim

ents your outfit by saying “you’re really wearing those jeans”; it’s a light but appreciated compliment. He’s the wormy stick. You go on dates for about a month after which he makes his intentions known to you. He tells you he wants to have a relationship with you; you agree and you both put all (or at least, most) of your cards on the table and pray to God that everything goes well, and the ending is happy. He compliments you reasonably, not when you look tore up from the flo’ up and he knows it, but he lies through his teeth and says “baby, you look absolutely beautiful” (the worm); or when you look like a million dollars, he says “well, you hair is a little messed up, but you look alright…I guess…” (the stick). The wormy stick is the guy who knows the beauty and magnificence of boundaries. It does not mean he is perfect, it just means that his imperfect days are way lesser than his perfect days. He gives you time to feel something that he feels instead of trying to force it on you, or pretend it isn’t there. He always wants you two to be on the same page; he’s always by your side, not in front of you or behind you.

Women also fall into the same three categories, which is why everyone should hook up with his/her own type. A stick should be with a stick, a worm with a worm, and a wormy stick with a wormy stick, so that way both parties receive as much as they give, and everyone one is happy. Some men see the obvious differences, but they choose to disavow the warning bells. For example, when you ask a woman “you missed me, didn’t you?” and she replies with “ok”, that’s not a good sign. It means she did not miss you, but she does not want to make you feel bad. If you tell a woman “I love you” and she replies with “thanks”, it means she does not quite feel the same way and/or is not comfortable with you telling her you love her. And if she says something along the lines of “really? Aww, that’s so sweet”, what she’s really saying is “you what? You must have lost your damn mind.” Or as a typical Nigerian woman would think “you’re in love with who? See this fool that thinks he can get into my pants with this 3rd century lie. What year does he think this is?” I remember when a friend of mine (whose name I will not mention, but she knows herself) went on a date which started out nice, but at the end, she was not feeling him at all (you know how that goes). He asked her if he could give her a kiss, and she said “no, thank you.” What do you interpret this answer to mean? Well, it means “no, I’ve had enough of you already, but thanks for offering me more nuisance.” Without being told, you know he is definitely a worm. Nigerian men tend to misread every single vibe that a woman is sending. You should know when she’s into your conversation, and when she isn’t. If she’s constantly looking around and checking her time or giving her cell phone that “please ring” look, then you know you’re boring her. And no, telling you that you’re obnoxious does not interpret into “you’re a really cool guy; I want to get to know you better.” And “I have a boyfriend who I’m committed to” does not interpret into “I have someone I’m talking to whom I’m willing to leave as soon as you chase me harder.” Get this: unreturned phone calls mean “I don’t want to talk to you; you’re bothering me, so please refrain from dialing my number.” If you have fallen in love with her before you even met her, please don’t tell her that on your first, second, third or even tenth date; it reduces the weight of “I love you” from 1000kg to 1 once, and that is a massive loss. Give her time to like you; make her want you; make her appreciate every single second she spends with you.

I cannot help but talk about this foolishness of Nigerian men: do not ask her very personal questions in the beginning, if at all. Do not ask questions like “are you a virgin?”, “how much do you weigh?”, “what’s your favorite sex position?” Those are the wrong questions, and God help me, I do not believe there is really ever a wonderful time to ask such questions, that is, until you know her better; as in, until you actually begin a relationship. If you’re the kind that likes to spend on your woman, then read this properly: START SMALL. Some men are so eager to impress a woman that they go in dept, and I mean serious debt. Start by buying her flowers, or maybe her favorite ice cream or candy…just be creative. Ibo people say it’s little by little that you lick hot soup, so please start small. Do not under any circumstance promise her more than you can give her; you want a woman to love you for who you are, not what you are or what you can do for her. Do not tell her that you’ll take her to a big fancy restaurant where you’ll have a candle lit dinner and end up taking her to TGIF. Now, that’s something that does not look good on your credit record of relationships. And get this, girls talk. When you do nice things for them, they tell their friends, and when you go wrong, you better believe your behind is being roasted, so when you get that funny look from her friends, you know what it means. When you do go on a date, do not spend the whole time talking about yourself, your accomplishments, and yourself. If I’m right, she probably stopped listening after your third sentence that started with “I…”. Ask her about herself, but do not be too personal, and do not press her for answers when she already said “I don’t want to talk about it.” Be a thoughtful man and open the door for her, pull her sit out for her, and if you’re dining out, please don’t place her order for her; that’s the first sign that you must be a control freak. When

you go out with a woman, she has a mental list in her head and she is watching your every move, and of course you know we are better listeners. And do not do that thing where your head practically wants to break off because your eyes are following another woman; that counts for three strikes, and if you get three strikes on one date, that means you get dropped. Breaking your neck because you are looking at another woman takes you from the list of A-Active to C-Inactive, and it will take the Grace of God to get you back on even A-Inactive; being back on A-Active will only be a figment of your imagination. Finally, please, please, please and please, be sensitive to the vibes she’s sending. If she wants to be kissed, you will know. Do not spring a kiss on her lips when she is not looking or least expecting it; it’s neither cute nor sexy. It’s disgusting and repulsive. If I may, I’d call it a lip-rape, and as soon as the congress passes it as a law, I’ll be sure to put all you lip rapists behind the bar.

I could go on and on and on about all the wrong things Nigerian men do, but frankly, I neither have the stamina nor the desire to do so, but with the little I have written, I wish everyone a happy dating life, and I pray to God that you meet that special someone one day (preferably before menopause and before you start receiving senior discounts at the local grocery store), Amen.

You may also like


Aliu October 9, 2008 - 10:32 pm

very good example of nigerian women that try very hard to see men as a group not the individuals that they are and as long as a lot of readers validate this vey absurd nonentity called an article we as nigerian men will continue to wish we had the women of calibre from nigeria that we crave

avico November 9, 2007 - 8:47 am

this is one the best article i read in so long. it is not just Nigerian men who needs to learn girl even though i am dating one but all the men. And you are right about dating your own kind – either wormy stick or wormy stick.#

You go girl that is so great lol

amaka May 21, 2007 - 10:32 am


You just know the right words to use!! Really Naija men try but there is just something in them that defies all explanation, the wowen try but this thing about being submissive is taken out of context. Whats a girl to do or so?

no comment February 17, 2007 - 11:41 am

Your article was truly in good taste. A very accurate description of the Nigerian mans tendency to 'over suscribe' or 'under suscribe' too early in a relationship. If only they could get it thorugh their heads that relationships are dependant on mutual interests and correctly interpretating non verbal language. Womane want to be romanced in a natural way and this does not mean being called at 2 am in the morning, or waking up to find them asleep on your door step. Women need finesse and mystery. There is no way I would date a man who told me he loved me on the first date, and I probably would not want to marry a man who could not work his lips to say "I love you" afetr sevral months of dating him. In an relationship a balance muct surely be met, so I am in true favour of the stick worm type, as it is clear from your article that they know the balance. The stick type would annoy me (eventually you do get tired of the 'Oh Im so mysterious and important' aura that surrounds these type of men) and the worm type (note: the most common type of Nigerian man) truly has me grabbing my bag and running straight for the door. And as for them 'stealing' a kiss, Urgggh, from the type of worm types Ive seen, thats a thought that will keep you up all night.

unknown May 25, 2006 - 6:22 am

Absolutely brilliant article…….accurate and hilarious too. How timely, I think I think I may have just met a worm……………lol

William May 13, 2006 - 6:18 pm

Can't believe I'm up at 3.30am in a foreign land reading Vera Ezimora!!! Great work, Vera…you are a breath of fresh air!

Anonymous November 14, 2005 - 12:28 pm

objective but strike the balance well

Anonymous October 27, 2005 - 6:59 pm

Writes about serious stuff we singles relate to but making us laugh while reasoning..

Anonymous October 12, 2005 - 1:59 pm

Girl u re good u need to do more of this. u have to come on board on my magazine coming out soon.

Anonymous August 26, 2005 - 9:45 am

OMG u need a blog

Anonymous August 26, 2005 - 4:46 am

''I pray to God that you meet that special someone one day (preferably before menopause and before you start receiving senior discounts at the local grocery store) Amen.'' hilllarious. i must say dis is a job well done. keep on keeping it up Vera. x

obiora August 1, 2005 - 3:07 am

wow! good one

@vera what made u think all d nigerian men fall into ua category its like u've been priviledged to meet only stalkers and loverboys.

see here in america i get turned off by nigerian women bcos they always want u to follow them around(the worm) who has that kind of time time is big money in america but ask the african american woman out there the answer is yes or no followed by her most intimate lifestyle. does that mean they r dumb hell no! nigerian girls who seldom look as stunning as d afro-american girls always want you to beg for r/shipkisssex…haba. its a new world go for what u want b4 its too latealmost every broad on the american land mass is a sex symbol.

girl u better paste ua pix and date of birth here so we can rate your article apropriately and of course send blue roses cos am not ready to send a blue rose to grace jones.

Mariam July 21, 2005 - 10:47 am

Na wah for you Vera… How did you come up with the title "wormy stick" interesting observations.

Anonymous July 15, 2005 - 6:56 am

Those are the truth about Nigerian men. I came across a guy i used to know back in Nigeria here a couple of weeks ago he has been calling me millions of times and im so tired of it. He calls me evry minute of the day several times at nite when im sleeping…..hes really pissin me of real bad. The climax he told me he doesnt want me to have friends……who is he to tell me that……i have a fiance who i will soon be married to and i told this guy so…….but he doesnt want to take a no for an answer. Im really thinkin of changin my number thank God we live in diff states. That is what brothers get for being too "wormy".

Anonymous June 26, 2005 - 10:28 pm

this was good and im only 16! Afolasade

Anonymous June 26, 2005 - 9:20 pm

This is so true, omg!

Anonymous June 23, 2005 - 7:31 pm

my experience with and observation of naija men!!!

Anonymous June 23, 2005 - 12:10 am

Simply Excellent

Anonymous June 22, 2005 - 5:09 pm

Interesting. But I wouldnt generalize so much.

Anonymous June 20, 2005 - 11:13 pm


Sovereign June 18, 2005 - 11:34 am

the article is good and humourous. i admit that i sometimes act as a 'stick' and transform into a 'worm' when dealing with the same girl depending on how she is behaving. this makes me unpredictable i believe that is the best policy.

Anonymous June 18, 2005 - 9:17 am

very educative for anyone thats planning for a serious relationship and expects some good loving

Anonymous June 16, 2005 - 4:18 pm

if i would say ur article is a nice one, u might have come acros men dishonest men but u have not try d good and godly ones, not all men are bad like me sincerely speking i dont have a girl but d day i would i proise to give her d best of me, peaceeeeeee from femi alao a.k.a ghettochild.

Anonymous June 14, 2005 - 7:54 pm



Anonymous June 11, 2005 - 8:16 am



Anonymous June 9, 2005 - 6:47 pm

Its somehow true how we all try to do the mating dance without takind steps.Both parties are doing it wrong because African tradition encourages modesty and it inhibits communication.Its I can't talk right, you don't respond well disease.

Obi O. June 9, 2005 - 4:27 pm

Nigerians are more intelligent than this. I am not referring to the article. I am referring to the various "positive" comments following the article, which were obviously submitted by the writer herself or her friends. Read them again and you will notice a pattern. The same pattern of "comments" followed her previous articles. Naija!!!

Reply June 9, 2005 - 2:20 pm

Hi everyone oh!

Thank you so so so much for all your support. I read allllll the comments over and over, and I love them all. For those that sent me personal emails… thank you so much too. Your support means da world to me, thank you. I will endeavour to write more often. Thank you!!!

Anonymous June 9, 2005 - 9:50 am

very interesting………

Anonymous June 9, 2005 - 8:09 am

This does not read like an article to me.

She is just "gisting". The whole matter could have been written in 500 words. The Stick, Worm or the Wormy Stick only exist in her head. Nigerian men do not fall into all these parodies of Western personalities. Nigerian men simply love you or pay the price you are asking for. And every Nigerian single lady has a price. So, Nigerian men just pay for it for keeps or for the fun for as long as it lasts.

I don't like those who date only four different Nigerian men and use that to generalize the whole population of Nigerian men.

It's short-sightedness.

Anonymous June 9, 2005 - 3:27 am


I just have to say congratulations on a masterpiece. Your sense of humor is outstanding, and your words are very, very true. I felt like you had read my mind. The things we women have to go through.

Anonymous June 8, 2005 - 8:27 pm

I just love the way Vera writes,she hits 'the nail on the head' with her articles.Thanks girl,you got it right once again.

Anonymous June 8, 2005 - 7:01 pm

Thanks for this very interesting article. Every nigerian man should learn from it

and find ways to improve especially when it comes to asking a lady personal


Anonymous June 8, 2005 - 2:21 pm


Anonymous June 8, 2005 - 1:13 pm

You go, girl. You have a style. You should write more often.

Anonymous June 8, 2005 - 11:26 am

Verastic! you are too much! All bow.

Anonymous June 6, 2005 - 7:33 pm

Insignificantly trivia.

Anonymous June 6, 2005 - 7:00 pm

Laughing my head off. Particularly the last paragraph. Hilarious!!

Anonymous June 6, 2005 - 2:08 pm

Interesting article and I enjoyed your sense of humor.

Mike June 6, 2005 - 11:53 am

Vera! i love your article but you women are really making things hard for us. lol at lip rape. never heard that one before. you sound very intellectual and you have a lot of wit. if i were in maryland i would ask you a date and dont worry i wont look at other women lol.

Anonymous June 6, 2005 - 11:07 am

cool observations,

i hope to read more from you someday.

rotimi []

Anonymous June 6, 2005 - 7:20 am

A lip-rape! I second that. Nothing is more off putting than a pair of lips coming at you from no where.


Leave a Comment